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Help me win back the love of my life after a messy break up (infidelity)


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hi all

Dan (37) & Sadaf (34) together 4.5 years, living together for most of that time after the first 6 months. We’ve been in Berlin the last 2.5 years on and off and difficulties began approximately a year ago with my testing the boundaries of the relationship by on a few occasions giving other women attention when we would go out to clubs. Sadly and inevitably drugs are big factor in this whole situation.  Berlin is a free and open place that upholds the importance of sexual freedom and I should say that since I was 18 I have been single for less than a year, with one relationship beginning as another ends almost continuously for 18+ years, and these last years are my first time living outside of the UK.

The drug use when we went out was normal (ecstasy K coke etc) but my insistence on using hash chocolate, which I believed helped me to connect with people, possibly made me a little too open and carefree (is that a thing?) and led to my giving other women attention, causing big arguments and even threatened to break us up, but we worked through it together.

Last summer we took a 3 month road trip around the US, towards the end when Sadaf was back in London & me still on the road, we broke up suddenly after she caught me messaging someone else on instagram. I never met with this person and was alone on the road and wanting to meet people. I found this to be an extreme reaction, we then had 4 sessions with a relationship counsellor and agreed to carry on.

We are often split between Berlin and London and during the 2-3 months she was there in autumn last year, I was pretty lonely in Berlin and slipped into a cycle of going out partying / clubbing a lot, developing a dependency on a particular substance, GHB, and I was unfaithful on a number of occasions (kissing etc). On one occasion I slept with someone a few times over the course of a week. I’m no longer in contact with this person / any of the others and there was no emotional affair here, this was purely physical desire for another human(s) and I didn't / don't want out of the relationship.  The timing was especially bad as during these months back in London Sadaf's brother's mental health had again deteriorated and this led to him being sectioned. 

This all came out a few weeks before xmas and we are effectively broken up with seemingly little chance to save it although this is what I would like and believe strongly in the power of forgiveness although acknowledge it’s too soon for this. Couples counselling is for sure the only way forward for us and currently she won't agree to it, having previously been ok with the idea over xmas after it happened.

So the big question for me is, what can I do to get her to see that there is more to this situation than betrayal and her own hurt? Which there is. I am not challenging her feelings and maybe she needs more time to process in her own way before feeling ready for counselling, but she says things like I need time on my own, and that I (me) need to work on myself (true) and she doesn't want to be around for that.  I recognise fully that my problems caused this chaos and I'm ready to do everything that I need to to be healthier person for myself and for the relationship.

She also takes issue with me blaming drugs for what happened, and I take responsibility for my actions but the fact remains that without drugs and this drug in particular GHB, which makes you very loose, suggestible and open, none of this would have happened.

I would mention that I have previous when it comes to being unfaithful, twice in a relationship that ended 6 years ago. Back then it was because I wanted out of the relationship but couldn’t act on it. I would say my motivations for being unfaithful this time were different.  I know there are distinctions to be made about being a cheater (someone who always cheats) and someone who has cheated, I think I am in the middle somewhere here.

I think important to note for people not familiar with a partying lifestyle, this is a conscious choice on both our parts and has been part of our lives for years.  We have regular jobs and we often go out together taking the same drugs.. but this is very different life to 2.5 kids and a house etc

ALSO.. before this all came out, she cheated on me by kissing a guy she has known for years when she was at the club without me, an old flame shall we say, that she had never explored possibilities with.  so there was a real emotional component to her cheating and we had spoken about my issues with him being around.

Other than the recent chaos we generally have a strong, loving and supportive relationship, spending most of our time together.   We have a great deal of love for each other still but it’s a very difficult situation.  We are currently living separately in Berlin and contact is at a minimum.

Any advice or thoughts welcome

Dan

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, DanJC said:

Berlin is a free and open place that upholds the importance of sexual freedom

There are plenty of people living in Berlin who are monogamous and not taking drugs in clubs, or who aren't cheaters.  Leave Berlin out of it.

5 hours ago, DanJC said:

I was pretty lonely in Berlin and slipped into a cycle of going out partying / clubbing a lot, developing a dependency on a particular substance, GHB, and I was unfaithful on a number of occasions (kissing etc). On one occasion I slept with someone a few times over the course of a week. I’m no longer in contact with this person / any of the others and there was no emotional affair here, this was purely physical desire for another human(s) and I didn't / don't want out of the relationship.  The timing was especially bad as during these months back in London Sadaf's brother's mental health had again deteriorated and this led to him being sectioned. 

You proved very brilliantly that you're not "boyfriend material." 

5 hours ago, DanJC said:

believe strongly in the power of forgiveness although acknowledge it’s too soon for this.

"Forgiveness"?  You really don't feel that you've done anything wrong.  It's all because of the features of whatever drugs you're on, Berlin, you want to meet new people, etc.  If a person is looking for forgiveness they have to be in a space where they're ready to be fully accountable for whatever wrong they've done.

5 hours ago, DanJC said:

She also takes issue with me blaming drugs for what happened

I do as well.

5 hours ago, DanJC said:

and I take responsibility for my actions but the fact remains that without drugs and this drug in particular GHB, which makes you very loose, suggestible and open, none of this would have happened.

So ... a person who wants to be a steady partner in a monogamous relationship doesn't go out to clubs on their own and  take drugs that they believe "make" you cheat.

5 hours ago, DanJC said:

I think important to note for people not familiar with a partying lifestyle, this is a conscious choice on both our parts and has been part of our lives for years.  We have regular jobs and we often go out together taking the same drugs.. but this is very different life to 2.5 kids and a house etc

Yes, we know that.  You seem very immature - more like a 15 year old mindset than that of a grown man.   You're simply not in a place where an adult monogamous relationship is possible for you.  That's not wrong - but it's wrong to cheat and drag someone who seems committed to you through this nonsense.

You surely realize you can be single and free, or have an "open relationship."  Evidently not with this young woman, but in "the party lifestyle" you surely know others like yourself who want to go with whatever their high takes them.  

Why not just keep yourself free to do that without lying and cheating on somebody you supposedly care about?  And who has been going through something pretty serious and intense - even more important than your experiences of being high on whatever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I think you’ll be ready for serious relationship when you stop making excuses for your choices to take drugs  and your responsibilities for your choices when under the influence.  It’s essential IMO for someone who is a close friend or romantic partner in a serious relationship to be in general a person who doesn’t blame externalities for bad choices and or treating another person badly.  Don’t subject other people who trust you to your lack of integrity and trustworthiness. 

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6 hours ago, DanJC said:

I know there are distinctions to be made about being a cheater (someone who always cheats) and someone who has cheated, I think I am in the middle somewhere here.

Although the majority of your excuses are classic, cheating is a choice one makes, and nothing more than that.

If you have the time to cheat, you have the time to think about it.  In short, nothing will change until you decide to own your own choices.

 

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You have shown her that you are not date-able. 

It's not only about forgiveness. It's also about someone's ability and readiness to be in an exclusive, monogamous, mature and committed relationship. You showed her without any shadow of a doubt that you are not at all that guy, at this point in your life. 

There won't be any coming back from this. There was way too much damage done. The best you can do is leave her alone, and apply the lessons you have (hopefully) learned here in your next relationship. 

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On 1/7/2023 at 6:27 AM, DanJC said:

So the big question for me is, what can I do to get her to see that there is more to this situation than betrayal and her own hurt?

Hah! Wow. ^^This sounds like a standup comic line.

So I punched this woman in the gut, right? But all her writhing and rolling around in pain is so inconvenient for me. If she'd only stand upright, she'd get it--there's so much more to see.

Good luck with that, Dan.

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Dan seriously???

You spent paragraphs making excuses and one sentence saying you take responsibility for your actions.  Do you see the hypocrisy?

Here are the simple facts:

- She cannot trust you no matter your reasons, justifications or excuses, you cannot be trusted.

- When you are away from her you go out looking for someone to fill that void.

- You lack basic empathy.

- You are selfish.

 If you want a chance with her then get into therapy for yourself by yourself to build your character, understand how you can so easily betray the person you say you love and figure out what you want for your life right now. Run around chasing women or a monogamous relationship.

 You are a cheater that got caught but cannot admit you are a cheater because that means you are not a good person.  Classic...

Lost

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On 1/7/2023 at 3:27 AM, DanJC said:

believe strongly in the power of forgiveness

But apparently you don't believe in the "power" of being faithful to your partner.

Also, how convenient that your belief in the power of forgiveness allows you to be as unfaithful as you want with zero consequences, since you think she should forgive you each time. 

If you want to sleep around, go ahead! Just don't expect a woman who's not into the same lifestyle to be OK with your repeated cheating. Either be single or be in an open relationship with a woman who agrees to one.

I hope she got tested for STDs and is negative.

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