I wish I could move onto someone else and feel attraction again

[Frostypeach]

I (26F) can’t stop thinking about him (28M) sleeping with someone else

The thought of him having sex with someone else is making me feel so sad

In June 2021, I (26F) got a message from a guy(28M) on a dating app. The chats were amazing, we just clicked. He was soppy and affectionate, every date was fun and we both agreed it was wonderful. He was quite a gentle man, very in touch with his emotions. long hair and a beard and I liked that he wasnt too pushy for sex. He said he preferred cuddles to sex but we still had sex as I became very attracted to him and I initiated a lot. I felt safe with him, he said loads of lovely things.

We became a couple and dated until march 2022.

Before I met him, I had dated men but I just didn’t feel any sexual attraction. I would worry about this a lot.

As we got to know each other over a month or so, and he wasn’t pushy for intimacy, the sexual attraction developed. For the first time in my life I wanted sex with a man, and I loved it. I was proud of myself and quite relieved I had reached a level of comfort that made me actually want and enjoy sex. I found him irresistible, his smell,  his hair, every part of him 

He never initiated sex though, he was always calling me sexy, but said he preferred a massage to sex. But I was confused as he told me and his Instagram posts were full of innuendos and he was always liking bikini photos of his female friends. He even told me he loved anal with his exes and thought I would be the kinda girl to like that too. Him telling me this shocked me, as I couldn’t imagine someone being so prude having anal sex as he was so prude 

But then over the next few months, I realised he never did anything for me. He never took me on dates, he criticised me In little ways. He was still relatively nice, but there was this coldness about him, he wasn’t the super friendly, affectionate man in the beginning. I actually lost all the desire I had for him and I thought I was the broken one… he started to smell disgusting to me when initially I loved his smell, that upset me a lot.

And in fact, one day I was coming home from work and my phone rang. He told me he never fell in love with me and stayed with me out of loneliness.

I was devastated. I really loved him.

It’s almost a year since breakup and I’ve had no success with meeting guys anymore. I feel angry, angry that I’ll have to start from the beginning to build up comfort to have sex with someone again. I feel worried too, because no one turns me on other than him which scares me. I talk to guys on dating apps, the chats are so boring, and not like what me and my ex had

I’ve found out my ex is dating again and it makes me feel jealous and sick, sick that he can move on and have sex with other women easily, and I can’t feel anything toward anyone else. I’m scared I’ll never feel it again. I have no options and at 27, feel a bit doomed

Don’t understand why dating app convos feel so stale, where as with him and other men before him, I could sustain an exciting convo. It’s like my brain is quite reluctant now to get excited

Now it’s coming up to 2 years since we met, I’m freaking out a bit. What if I don’t even have sex this year either

[Kwothe28]

Please tell me you are just trolling at this point. I refuse to believe this is the 3rd or 4th thread about the same issue.

Also, have you tried anything people told you to try? Change something, maybe try to socialize more, heck maybe even enroll into therapy if your narcissistic ex left you that much broken? Maybe just block him so you wouldnt see his updates about the next girl he uses to pay for his stuff? No? Then why are you expecting some change? You need to be able to make changes on yourself in order to get different results. You are simply not doing that. And you would rather cry how you are alone then try to better yourself and change that.

[boltnrun]

In all of your previous threads about this exact same topic you've been advised to look into supportive therapy to help you get past this situation (it wasn't a relationship). Have you done this? Have you made efforts to implement any of the multitudes of excellent advice people gave you before?

[Frostypeach]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

In all of your previous threads about this exact same topic you've been advised to look into supportive therapy to help you get past this situation (it wasn't a relationship). Have you done this? Have you made efforts to implement any of the multitudes of excellent advice people gave you before?

I’m allowed to believe it’s a relationship though as it meant something to me. It was special to me. I saw a video that said you’re allowed to grieve situationships and call them a relationship. Yes I’ve got lots of self help books for the new year and focusing on exercise, sleep and friends. Therapist can’t be afforded right now. 
 

the advice was great. Though and much appreciated? 
 

I accidentally posted this, it was on a tab on my tablet and posted it. I’d drafted it out. I wish this thread could be closed

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I’m allowed to believe it’s a relationship though as it meant something to me. It was special to me. I saw a video that said you’re allowed to grieve situationships and call them a relationship. Yes I’ve got lots of self help books for the new year and focusing on exercise, sleep and friends. Therapist can’t be afforded right now. 
 

the advice was great. Though and much appreciated? 
 

I accidentally posted this, it was on a tab on my tablet and posted it. I’d drafted it out. I wish this thread could be closed

Of course you can feel what you feel about your interactions with this person.  

[Tinydance]

I haven't actually read your other posts as I've been away from the forum for a few weeks beforehand. Just going off this post though...I understand break ups are really hard and yes of course you're allowed to feel sad that this relationship/situationship ended. I know it's easy to think that you'll never find anyone else again or feel sexual attraction again but that's a normal process of thinking after a break up. The amount of times I thought I'd never find anyone again after a break up and I always found someone again lol It's not an instant thing and it's actually normal for it to take months or even years to find someone you truly like. If someone loved someone and one week after break up they'd already "love" someone else, that would just be monkey branching or being on the rebound.

My advice about online dating would actually not to just keep talking online. First of all it's a waste of time because you need to meet people in person. Also in my experience some people just aren't that good at writing about themselves on a dating profile or talking online. Some people are a lot better in person. I'm actually very talkative but I hate wasting time talking online. I also talk to a few people at the same time so I keep the conversations short. So maybe I come across as not talkative and boring online but in real life I'm very outgoing and I can talk about anything for hours. I don't think you actually know that there's definitely no connection or attraction with anybody when you don't even meet them in person. You're not actually giving them a chance and you're already saying it's all no good.

[smackie9]

I can't see how you can find the emotional connection or attraction you so crave on an app. I suggest you make plans with friends and start going out more. Be creative, try to be more interactive in your community, a group activity, etc. One on one irl, spontaneous encounters, meets through friends/family is the only way to get yourself out of this slump. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I think it's natural to grow bored with messages on a screen.

Why not try screening people in or out based on your deal breakers, then just meet people in person over a quick coffee to check one another out?

This isn't a surefire way to learn whether you'd become sexually interested down the road, but it's at least a way to learn whether there might be any personal chemistry.

Most people are NOT our match. That's the thing to grasp in order to build the resiliency required for dating. Meanwhile, you can consider each person you meet as one step closer to finding that needle in a haystack.

I can also appreciate your fears, but I'd be careful not to fuel them. We often create self fulfilling prophesies, so I try my best not to adopt negative mantras to feed my brain exactly what I DON'T want. Focus on changing the voice you run in your own head to something simple, like, "Okay, I can do this..."

Head high and write more if it helps.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

, so I try my best not to adopt negative mantras to feed my brain exactly what I DON'T want. Focus on changing the voice you run in your own head to something simple, like, "Okay, I can do this..."

I used to do this thing when I had blind dates and first meets especially if we were meeting at a restaurant or cafe.  I often was nervous so I'd tell myself "you are beautiful and glamorous" and I'd make myself pretend I was meeting someone for high tea -it reminded me to walk with good posture, confidence, to look poised etc (also I can be a bit of a klutz so especially if I was coming from work and had my briefcase with me plus purse and had to navigate between people/tables etc it reminded me to take my time, not trip, etc!).  

No I did not really think I was beautiful or glamorous.  But repeating that as I approached my date helped a lot and helped me walk with confidence. First impressions mean a great deal especially on first meets.

[OliviaJJJ]

I didn't find anyone attractive or even be with anyone for 13 years and when I finally did (I wrote about it here last week) it was over within a week because the guy turned out to be a epic time-waster. lol. You're definitely not doomed.

Anyway, while I'm both a bit stung (still a bit if I'm honest) and annoyed at myself for being dumb, I'm glad I put myself out there to feel attraction again. I'll get over this blip and you will too. I would probably heal a bit before getting involved with others - comparing everyone you meet to your ex isn't healthy. Once you start to feel strong and focused again, these things seem to just happen. But you gotta get over this dude and I would make that my first priority.

[Capricorn3]

On 1/6/2023 at 11:38 AM, Frostypeach said:

 I wish this thread could be closed

^ Thread closed.