Feelings For One Of My Best Friends - What Do I Do?

[jthompson8]

This general topic has been beaten to death over the years, but because I have a specific background to cover and it feels like a lot of weeds to navigate on my own, I'm hoping to get some advice more tailored to my specific situation. Thank you!

About 3 years ago I was introduced to this girl (we'll call the girl Emma) thru a guy friend of mine. I was in a relationship at a time and so was she, so we were just acquaintances...we didn't see each other too much but were friendly when we did. Then, 2 years ago and 1 year ago, respectively, I got out of my relationship and Emma got out of hers. Emma and I, now both single, got a lot closer. We started hanging out a lot in group settings and really enjoying each other's company, and I started to have feelings for her beyond just friendship. Then, a major confounding variable entered the equation: Emma met and quickly became good friends with my ex (this happened after me and Emma were already friends), and the three of us (Emma, my ex, and I) all got wrapped up in the same friend group. On two drunken nights this past summer, I called Emma and told her quite candidly how I felt about her, to which she raised concerns about how my ex would feel about us being more than friends but never shutting down the idea beyond those concerns.

Fast forward 6 months and I am now one of Emma's very best guy friends (we kind of just never revisited the things I said while drunk on the phone, lol). In the past 3-4 months, we've started hanging out 1 on 1 very often...we go on drives, go out to eat, look at Christmas lights, etc. Every thursday night we've made a routine out of taking edibles and either going to the movie theater 1 on 1 to see a movie or watching a movie over facetime together until we fall asleep, etc. Just today, she called me midday saying she got off work early and asked "do you want to take us on an adventure?" to which I said yes, and we spent the next 3 hours driving around the city and exploring different neighborhoods so that she could get a feel for where she wants to move to come the summer. So much of what we do feels date-ish but never really rises to the level of a date because there always seems to be a mutual underlying understanding that what we're doing "MUST" stay friendly due to the high risks of pursuing anything else.

She has her own sex life, and I have mine, but independent of that we always seem to gravitate back towards one another when it comes to relational contact with the opposite sex. We've never done anything physical, but our friend group (when my ex isn't around) always jokes that we'll someday get married, or hookup at some point, etc... comments to which we always both just kind of ignore but never really refute. To other people, Emma and I's interactions always come off as being flirty, although nothing is ever acted on. It's interesting though...every once in awhile there's some smoking gun that will pop up and make me think she feels exactly how I feel... for example, over the summer Emma met my parents for the first time at a concert (I wasn't there) and she sent me a picture with them captioned "my future in-laws," but in the days following that, I didn't get any more indicators that the vibe between us had changed... it just seemed like a one-off occurrence. Suffice it to say: I feel like I'm living in the most ambiguous territory ever, and I'm not at all sure what to do about it.

On one hand, I could realistically see myself dating and even marrying Emma. We're both in our early-mid twenties, and she's everything I want in a woman with very few glaring flaws. Plus, we're already some of each other's best friends which is how I believe any good partnership should be. On the other hand, my personal belief is that although I don't think I'm friend-zoned, I'm not at all confident how she'll respond given how fragile all of this is with my ex being one of her good friends, all of us being in the same friend group, etc. Part of me wants to just say f*** it and do and say what I want because I never want to live with the regrets of "what could have been," but I'm also balancing that "f*** it" mentality with the realization that taking the risk and failing would substantially change the dynamic between us and could fracture our whole friend group (as her and I are smack dab in the center of it). There's also the option of not saying anything now but saying something down the line? I just have no idea how to play this but I'm tired of not being able to figure it out... Help? 🙂

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, jthompson8 said:

She has her own sex life, and I have mine, but independent of that we always seem to gravitate back towards one another.. 

🙂

Are you both dating others? Perhaps you could start dating each other but keep in mind, that's a one-way street. It would be awkward if things don't work out.

Right now you're both sort of in limbo. Spending too much time together "as friends" but not really friends and not really dating. So you're depriving yourselves of what you both want.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, jthompson8 said:

On one hand, I could realistically see myself dating and even marrying Emma. We're both in our early-mid twenties, and she's everything I want in a woman with very few glaring flaws. Plus, we're already some of each other's best friends which is how I believe any good partnership should be. On the other hand, my personal belief is that although I don't think I'm friend-zoned, I'm not at all confident how she'll respond given how fragile all of this is with my ex being one of her good friends, all of us being in the same friend group, etc. Part of me wants to just say f*** it and do and say what I want because I never want to live with the regrets of "what could have been," but I'm also balancing that "f*** it" mentality with the realization that taking the risk and failing would substantially change the dynamic between us and could fracture our whole friend group (as her and I are smack dab in the center of it). There's also the option of not saying anything now but saying something down the line? I just have no idea how to play this but I'm tired of not being able to figure it out... Help?

My advice -do this ASAP -tomorrow she could meet someone special - and certainly in a year.  I am married to my husband because he didn't wait to tell me he wanted to get back together -we'd had 3 platonic meet ups after 7 years apart - and his friends advised him to talk to me about this after he went back to where he was living at the time (2 hour plane ride) and to think it over.  Instead he asked me at that third meet up.  If he had not I would have continued dating and meeting others and I'm not sure if I would have been up for having that conversation months later, long distance as his friend advised.  It's not because I wanted to friendzone him -the opposite -I mean from a realistic perspective life happens and at our ages -late 30s - I'd have been really sad he didn't seem to feel the same way and left town but I'd likely forced myself to move on and meet others. 

So do it now.  You've known her long enough.  Keep it really simple with no big back story and no wishy washy -be clear with your intentions -you want to date her because you see serious potential here -not "take it slow" or "we can go on a date and see and go with the flow" - tell her simply put that you want to date her properly and see if the two of you can be serious in a romantic relationship.  

All my husband said -with all our history and baggage and cancelled wedding was "do you want to get back together?" Then we had a 2 minute simple convo about our intentions and goals -to be exclusive, for me to relocate for his career if needed, to see if we should get married this time around.  Because if the two people want to be together it's that simple with rare exception.  I get the awkwardness - we had that too since we had to hope our family and friends would be supportive (they sure were!!) - but don't wait any longer-she's at that age where she could meet a special guy tomorrow.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

 

You are friendzoned. And no matter what they tell you in movies, no, friendzoned guys dont get the girls. You have to understand that to her, you are not a dating prospect. You are like a brother to her. Which makes any of your romantic advancements to her impossible due to the fact that she cant see you together. She wont sleep with her brother (well except if she is from Alabama lol), she will sleep with the man. Somebody who she will see as a dating prospect. Somebody that would make her heart tingle. And I am sorry to say, from all you are saying, you are not that. 

 

To quote myself from a similar thread.

Sorry, but if she wanted to happen it would happen regardless to your ex or not. Its just Emmas excuse. You are somebody who she will complain about other boyfriends on the phone while you are watching a late night movie. Not somebody who would be "the boyfriend". Sorry. 

But you have feelings so you are free to try. You would maybe ruin your friendship but at least you would know where you stand. And even if you dont get the answer you want, you can at least move on from this.

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, jthompson8 said:

Part of me wants to just say f*** it and do and say what I want because I never want to live with the regrets of "what could have been," but I'm also balancing that "f*** it" mentality with the realization that taking the risk and failing would substantially change the dynamic between us and could fracture our whole friend group (as her and I are smack dab in the center of it).

Though teens in high school and when you're young in your early to mid twenties, you can't envision a life where this same friendship group will remain exactly as it is now.

But change is inevitable and will no doubt happen when some or all of the members enter into serious relationships, have children, move away, get too busy with new friends or hobbies, etc.

Your friendship with this woman has to change one way or another. Sounds like this is a watershed moment for you that you will have to take the lead on.

I agree with Kwothe 28, and my read on it is that she likes the ego boost you have a crush on her, but she's just not that into you. In her shoes, knowing that you are friendly enough with your ex, and that she became friends with her after you two had already ended things, I believe she would've discussed with this friend if it was okay if she dated you.

What would I do in your shoes? Have one more discussion with her. Say, "I'd like to date you. If you want the same, are you will to ask X if she's okay with this, if that's your only barrier?"

If the answer is no, for your own good, you will have to take steps to lessen this friendship greatly, as in no more one-on-one get togethers and even losing each others numbers. Basically being pleasant in the group.

If you don't, it will prevent you from bonding with an available love interest. And a new love interest will make a quick exit from your life when she finds out that you get together with, and regularly text and call, a woman you consider your closest friend whom you've wanted as a girlfriend.

Change can be upsetting, but is a normal part of growing up, and also can lead to better things you can't even imagine right now.

Getting an answer will help you to emotionally move on with no more wasted time if the answer is no, or will give you the opportunity to move your life in a whole new direction if the answer is yes. Good luck and keep us updated.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, jthompson8 said:

On one hand, I could realistically see myself dating and even marrying Emma. We're both in our early-mid twenties, and she's everything I want in a woman with very few glaring flaws. Plus, we're already some of each other's best friends which is how I believe any good partnership should be. On the other hand, my personal belief is that although I don't think I'm friend-zoned, I'm not at all confident how she'll respond given how fragile all of this is with my ex being one of her good friends, all of us being in the same friend group, etc. Part of me wants to just say f*** it and do and say what I want because I never want to live with the regrets of "what could have been," but I'm also balancing that "f*** it" mentality with the realization that taking the risk and failing would substantially change the dynamic between us and could fracture our whole friend group

Yes, that's true, you can end up risking what you've got right now with her as a 'friend'.

This just reminds me of the classic 'a guy isn't really your friend, he's there cause he wants more' - and this is why its always best a woman hangs more with her actual 'female' friends.

So, yeah, you do have choices in this.  

1) You back off a LOT, in order to have your hormone's calm down and keep her as your friend.

2) You risk this friendship, admit your feelings for her and yeah, see if she pulls back and refrains from confiding in you again.

I have been thru this experience a cpl times and yes, it does change the dynamic of the friendship.  every time, things did end up messed up & we never talk anymore. ( is very hard to go backwards to just a friendship, after you've crossed those lines...). 

In ways, I do see you doing it though.  Because it is killing you inside 😕 . So, let's see how this all is in a week, huh?

 

 

[greendots]

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My advice -do this ASAP -tomorrow she could meet someone special - and certainly in a year. 

This. You have feelings for her. Tell her and ask her out on a proper date. Take it from there. Her response will tell you if it's good news or not.

Is it worth risking a friendship? For a quick roll in the hay, certainly not. But if your feelings are very strong (Ross and Rachel type of strong), then why not find out. Right now you're in a limbo.

Besides, if she doesn't accept the date, well, surely the friendship will be awkward for a while and you'll need to take some time off from the friendship to heal. However, you get to move on emotionally.

But what if she accepts the date? 🙂