No sleepover when her kids are home

[Days and Confused]

To the next level!?!?!

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for the past two years and we have become very close both intimately and emotionally.

Recently she has stated how close to me she feels and how safe she feels with me and that we should take things “to the next level” by moving in together.

I have suggested this a few times this past year and the conversation has always faded to nothing.

This was the first time she has suggested moving in together and the topic was left open for more consideration in a positive way.

Thanksgiving was just a couple weeks away from her “living arrangements” proposal,  meal planning for Thanksgiving  became a discussion topic a few days later.

And just as my girlfriend has enforced on all other previous special occasions (Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc) or visits when her family would be attending, my girlfriend would not allow me to stay over night because her kids were home…

Needless to say, I was confused and taken back, she was still enforcing the “go home” rule, just days after saying she wanted to move in together.

I accepted my girlfriend’s decision for the first year because our relationship was still new.  Near the end of the first year, when it was just her son visiting, me spending the night was no longer an issue.  However, whenever her daughter came to visit,  I can’t stay over.  

I would understand if her kids were adolescents, but they’re not, they’re both in their thirties!

Her son as well as her daughter with husband and two grandchildren, live about an hour away.  When they all came at the same time, I could stay for supper or a short visit during the day, but I was instructed by my girlfriend that I couldn’t stay over night, citing there’s not enough room (in her large 3 bedroom home with a huge living room, rec room and home office  - c’mon!)

I have my own place (it’s very nice) however this past year, 90% of the time I have stayed at my girlfriend’s home, mostly at her request.  Therefore,  each time  I was sent home, I was confused, didn’t understand why, felt excluded and a little disposable.  Whenever I tried to explain to my girlfriend how this was making me feel or ask for an explanation, It would always turn into a blow out, followed by a painful silent treatment from her for 3-4,days.

My girlfriend also visits her daughter about twice a month for 3-4 days at a time.  I’ve never been invited and if I ask if I can come along, I’m not allowed.

I’m a nice guy, I’ve never done or said anything that might have offended her daughter, in fact the few times i have been around for the visits, it’s always been pleasant. I also get along great with her two grandchildren!, they are adorable .

Is it wrong if me to desire to wake up with my girlfriend Christmas morning? Christmas just passed with the same rules in place and of course a heated discussion after her kids went home, ending in another silent treatment I’m currently suffering through.

I am  starting to question what I always thought to be a normal transition in any relationship.

Am I overreacting?!

Does it make sense I’m sent home whenever her 35 year old daughter visits?

Obviously, moving in together has not been discussed in months…

[indea08]

I am with you, I find this very odd. What explanation does she give as to why she doesn’t feel okay with you staying?

[Days and Confused]

Always vague without any dept..

”I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable” or  “She’s not ready “ etc

I would say “ready for what?” She’s not 12….

”Don’t worry about my family, why can’t it be just you and me?”

but then I wants me there for the special dinners - very confusing and frustrating 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

"I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable” or  “She’s not ready “ etc

All you can do is step back. It's her house and her family. Some people feel awkward having sex or partners sleeping over when family are around.

It seems she thinks of you as a great BF but not part of her family.

[Days and Confused]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

.Some people feel awkward having sex or partners sleeping over when family are around.

Nothing to do with sex, because we already don’t have sex when her son is there. I’m totally ok with that and respect her decision on that.

And doesn’t explain why I can’t go to her daughters house for a visit, dinner and definitely not sleep over there….

How do I step back if moving in together is the ultimate goal ?

[indea08]

13 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

Nothing to do with sex, because we already don’t have sex when her son is there. I’m totally ok with that and respect her decision on that.

And doesn’t explain why I can’t go to her daughters house for a visit, dinner and definitely not sleep over there….

How do I step back if moving in together is the ultimate goal ?

I don’t think you’ll really be able to determine a way forward with her until she gives you a valid explanation. Is she able to share her true thoughts/feelings with you? Is there any reason why she might not want to be honest?

[Days and Confused]

11 minutes ago, indea08 said:

Is there any reason why she might not want to be honest?

I would say we are honest with each other, although I have wanted to say

”you’re not telling me everything”

because I really feel there’s more to this than she is letting on

however, I don’t say that because it’s a loaded accusation and will definitely result in conflict…

 

[indea08]

17 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

I would say we are honest with each other, although I have wanted to say

”you’re not telling me everything”

because I really feel there’s more to this than she is letting on

however, I don’t say that because it’s a loaded accusation and will definitely result in conflict…

 

Perhaps….but the alternative is what??

 

FWIW, I agree with you. She’s not telling you everything.

[Days and Confused]

3 hours ago, indea08 said:

Perhaps….but the alternative is what??

I agree indea08, it’s time to ask tougher questions. Thank you for your input.

I’m hoping others will share their thoughts on this matter as well 

[Batya33]

I too find it very odd given her children are adults! Do both of you see living together as a next step as far as an emotional commitment? Because it can mean different things to different people -have you asked her-if you lived together, what would happen when her kids came to visit? I personally never related to living together as a next step or a necessary step.  

Is it possible there's concern about an unrelated male being around the grandchildren? I mean I'm grasping at straws here.  

But I would ask her honestly how the arrangement would be if the daughter came to visit to yours and hers place.

[catfeeder]

I have no clue. I'd be honest with her about not seeing our way forward to living together if she continues to relegate me as disposable in the presence of her family, and while she won't even invite me to visit her kids with her.

I'd tell her I'm pulling back to give her time to think this through, and she can let me know what living together is supposed to look like to her--because either we'll consider one another as family, or not, and I won't be taking any hotel rooms when her family comes to visit.

[Days and Confused]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

because either we'll consider one another as family, or not, and I won't be taking any hotel rooms when her family comes to visit.

Everything you have stated in your post I have said several times this past year, especially what I just put in quotes.

so far it’s looking like I’m not being unrealistic after all… thank God!

i was doubting myself and feeling guilty for all the for the heated arguments that I felt I was causing from expressing myself.

Thank you for that!

[Days and Confused]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do both of you see living together as a next step as far as an emotional commitment? Because it can mean different things to different people -have you asked her-if you lived together, what would happen when her kids came to visit? I personally never related to living together as a next step or a necessary step.  

Is it possible there's concern about an unrelated male being around the grandchildren? I mean I'm grasping at straws here.  

But I would ask her honestly how the arrangement would be if the daughter came to visit to yours and hers place.

I’m pretty sure we are both seeing the next step the same way - living together 

when I asked her if this would continue if we were living together, I get mixed inconcise answers, but deep down, I can tell she would be very content with me not there during her daughter’s visits.

In the beginning one of the excuses my girlfriend would use “ what would my grandchildren think…”

until one of the visits the oldest child was begging me to “stay over” so I wouldn’t have to drive home and we could “hang out” longer… so that extinguished that excuse.

(the youngest is just now learning to speak, so had no input so far lol)

my girlfriend has said it would be different if we were living together 

“different how?’ I would ask and why doesn’t it matter if her son is around, I only get exiled when her daughter comes to stay.

so I’m not convinced this issue would go away if we were “officially” living together.

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I too find it very odd given her children are adults! Do both of you see living together as a next step as far as an emotional commitment? Because it can mean different things to different people -have you asked her-if you lived together, what would happen when her kids came to visit? I personally never related to living together as a next step or a necessary step.  

I second this.  It's exactly what I was thinking.

How would any of this work if this is still how she acts?

How about you tell her you two need to have a 'heart to heart' talk.  And ask her to NOT freak out on you & give you the stoopid silent treatment for days!  That gets you nowhere & shows lack of communication ability - she she should really stop doing this!

And with this 'discussion', expect some answers.  Tell her you want to know why she is like this re: no sleeping over because of this situation and that.  Explain how things will really be if you two lived together -- Get her to see the 'reality' of it all.

Yeah, some things really need to be ironed out BEFORE you even consider sharing a place with her.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

You better NOT move in together until this is sorted. 

Imagine you move in and then she asks you to leave your own home when her daughter drops by?! It's ridiculous!

Have you ever spoken to that daughter? How's she like?

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Days and Confused said:

when I asked her if this would continue if we were living together, I get mixed inconcise answers, but deep down, I can tell she would be very content with me not there during her daughter’s visits.

Do not tolerate this at all.  Full stop.  If you live together -and don't be "pretty sure" about what it means to her -be sure - this is your home too.  Leaving your home because her family member is coming and you're asked to leave would not be ok with most people.  She knows that.  If you need to have it in writing in a sort of "contract" between you then do that -spell it out. 

Certainly she can go to a hotel with her daughter for one on one mom-daughter/grandkids time -I know of couples where once a year the wife takes a hotel room by herself for the night and chills out/gets spa treatments whatever but she'd never ask her family to leave the home so she can have it to herself.  This is the same -your GF is asking for the home to herself and her family and you're kicked out.  Nope.  

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Days and Confused said:

How do I step back if moving in together is the ultimate goal ?

Start by not spending as much time in her house. Unfortunately it's her place so you're just a guest at this point. It's not your decision to make how she interacts with family or whatever house rules she has.

Try not pushing the agenda of camping out at her place this much and this hard. Go to your own house and spend time with your own friends and family. You seem to be suffocating her.

No one is obligated to host you, so the more you step away from that mindset, the less resistance you'll encounter.

Take a deep breath and stop persisting and insisting. You're her guest. That's it. You are not married, it's not your house and it's not your call whether you are invited as an overnight guest or not.

[Days and Confused]

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

How about you tell her you two need to have a 'heart to heart' talk

Thanks SooSad33,  I agree a heart to heart conversation will be first priority in the new year.

[Days and Confused]

6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Have you ever spoken to that daughter? How's she like?

In two years, I could probably count easily how many conversations I have had with her daughter, mostly beause the "rules" eliminate opprotunity for us to get ton know each other better. However any interactions with her have always been friendly and pleasant 100%.  Always a good conversation with her husband when I've seen him and their two daughters seem to enjoy having me around.

I have had too many conversations with her son to count in the same time period, we get along great, super nice guy!

I agree DarkCh0c0, I have no intention of taking things to the "next level" until the overnight issues get resolved.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

In two years, I could probably count easily how many conversations I have had with her daughter, mostly beause the "rules" eliminate opprotunity for us to get ton know each other better. However any interactions with her have always been friendly and pleasant 100%.  Always a good conversation with her husband when I've seen him and their two daughters seem to enjoy having me around.

I have had too many conversations with her son to count in the same time period, we get along great, super nice guy!

I agree DarkCh0c0, I have no intention of taking things to the "next level" until the overnight issues get resolved.

It's not just the sleepover then.  She doesn't want to integrate you into her family or else she would create opportunities for you to get to know her family.  I included my serious boyfriends in many many family gatherings and encouraged everyone to get to know them especially if I saw marriage potential.

[Days and Confused]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go to your own house and spend time with your own friends and family.

You are absolutley right Wiseman2, even though my girlfriend is the one:
- insisting I stay over at her house 90% of the time when I'm about to go home
- refuses to stay at my (beautiful) home or makes excuses why she can't visit me there
- and gets mad when I do decide ignore her request to stay and just go home
I need to stand my ground and not let her influence me so much.  
Compromising is one of the main ingredients in a succusessful relationship and so far, I've been the one compromising.
If she is unable to compromise while we both have our own homes, it will only get worse if we share the same roof..

[Andrina]

Besides what's already been said, I find it strange she spends around 8 days each month living at her daughter's house, who only lives an hour away, which isn't all that far.

I'm all about family time, but to me, in her case, that's being overly involved. If my SO did this, he'd no longer be my SO. Especially when I wasn't invited. It's exactly why I always avoided having a relationship with a Mama's boy.

If you do decide to live together, definitely do not give up your primary residence until it's clear things are working out.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

You are absolutley right Wiseman2, even though my girlfriend is the one:
- insisting I stay over at her house 90% of the time when I'm about to go home
- refuses to stay at my (beautiful) home or makes excuses why she can't visit me there
- and gets mad when I do decide ignore her request to stay and just go home
I need to stand my ground and not let her influence me so much.  
Compromising is one of the main ingredients in a succusessful relationship and so far, I've been the one compromising.
If she is unable to compromise while we both have our own homes, it will only get worse if we share the same roof..

Yes -you let her walk all over you and it's eventually going to be a turn off unless she's the sort who loves being the one in control.

[Days and Confused]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I find it strange she spends around 8 days each month living at her daughter's house

Thanks Andrina, I have thought the same thing and I have said, "you have a son too!" who lives 10 minutes away from her daughter.  "why doesn't the get the same attention?"

Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend dearly!  This thread is starting to paint a negative image of her.  Everything else in our relationship is amazing. 
There's definetly some kind of strong hold her daughter has on her that I don't understand or something else bigger going on...

[Days and Confused]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -you let her walk all over you and it's eventually going to be a turn off unless she's the sort who loves being the one in control.

oh yes, she likes the control.  I can't cook anything in her kitchen without her stepping in front of me and telling me what I'm doing wrong.. lmao