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I feel like I'm that friend who can never get anything right and things don't work out for. I've been in so much therapy, I've grown a lot. I make improvements based on past situations. But somehow I still manage to mess up with who I choose even when my standards and things I look out for expand. I'm so embarrassed of the failures I had this year. 

I had been going on dates and such since August/September during this round. There was one failure which I received so much feedback on on this site from my last one which I had posted about here. That guy and I weren't exclusive but things were getting there and I was attached. He has reached out twice since we stopped dating but it was too soon for me to entertain him as there is no way he has worked through this issues in such a short period of time.

There was someone different that I had started to talk to at the end of October who had made things exclusive a few weeks ago. I knew about his trauma but made sure he had gotten help for it and had a good support system in place before we made things exclusive. I made it clear that I was not looking to be a therapist. 

It was family and developmental based which led to him having a troubled adolescent and brief marriage when he was younger. He was very self aware and his growth was so admirable. Things were going great - same values, goals, expectations, were vulnerable, discussed boundaries, I admired his faith, etc. Then... He got triggered by something that had happened with his family. He had communicated how he was feeling with me mental health wise, told me his feelings for me hadn't changed, he said he felt heavy. He told me that he felt like he had to be at church/with friends from church to try to shake what he was going through. He said it gave him joy that I was invested in this bump with him. I gave him space as he was very clearly needing to process things on his own which I totally understand. I am positive his feelings never changed. 

Yesterday, he ended up texting me outlining what exactly (details I hadn't had before) had happened with his family that triggered him. He had told me he was isolating himself which I already knew as I know his peers. He said he has growth to do, his brain is feeling off, can't be the man I need right now and this was bye for now. He did mention how he meant everything he's ever said to me and it is very clear he valued me. Oddly enough, he said that he was saying bye to respect and cherish me. I don't doubt that he has feelings for me. But we're over... Just like that. 

 

I responded to him thanking him for the transparency, told him that I wished he'd let me be there but it doesn't seem like he has the capacity, that I have to respect his decision even if I don't want to, I told him that I still care, bye for now and that I'm opened to reconnect. 

 

But I can't help but wonder... What am I doing wrong?? Was I wrong for giving him a chance after learning about his trauma? My friends think that I'm too compassionate and should not have the patience that I do. I can't understand why he can't balance his growth and me. He was literally telling me how happy he was, all the things he liked about me, how seeing me happy made him happy, told me that he sees me as long term, how easy things were, etc., right before his trigger. I know I sound SO selfish. I don't think it's fair to not give people who have trauma a chance because I have my own trauma that I've grown so much from. He clearly demonstrated how much he had grown as well and treated me SO well. He was very committed and we had the same goals. I know we didn't date for long but the communication about our needs, goals, how we were feeling, etc., were great and made us so easy. He was literally the improvement of every problem I've ever experienced with a guy. It's just tough when I can't relate to someone's trauma response. I really don't want to let him go but he hasn't given me a choice.

 

I'm not sure what to do from here.

 

Please be nice. This is already tough. This happened yesterday and I have made it out of the shock phase... Crying phase is now. 

Thank you 

 

 

 

 

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Sorry to hear about your break up.

I think there are a few things going on here, the primary problem is you are looking towards broken men for relationships. Your compassion is leading you to want to help these guys out, but that makes you more of a therapist than a girlfriend. Which in these cases sounds like the root cause of why things ended; they came to see you not as a loving companion, but someone to spill everything to. This is not healthy for the beginning of a relationship, when you two are feeling each other out and looking for that spark of excitement and butterflies.

You sound like a very kind individual, but I think you need to accentuate your fun and loving side before having the men you are dating open up. For you it is a closeness bond that you're developing, for many men it's a vulnerability; especially if they have been through the emotional wringer can make that vulnerability is a relationship killer.

For the next gent, I would suggest opening more slowly on the emotional front. Continue to be warm and caring, but don't quickly go into therapist mode. When you want to ask about past traumas hesitate a little longer, focus on the communications and the fun light hearted side of dating.

I wish you the best of luck, there's a better guy out there for you.

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14 minutes ago, Coily said:

Sorry to hear about your break up.

I think there are a few things going on here, the primary problem is you are looking towards broken men for relationships. Your compassion is leading you to want to help these guys out, but that makes you more of a therapist than a girlfriend. Which in these cases sounds like the root cause of why things ended; they came to see you not as a loving companion, but someone to spill everything to. This is not healthy for the beginning of a relationship, when you two are feeling each other out and looking for that spark of excitement and butterflies.

You sound like a very kind individual, but I think you need to accentuate your fun and loving side before having the men you are dating open up. For you it is a closeness bond that you're developing, for many men it's a vulnerability; especially if they have been through the emotional wringer can make that vulnerability is a relationship killer.

For the next gent, I would suggest opening more slowly on the emotional front. Continue to be warm and caring, but don't quickly go into therapist mode. When you want to ask about past traumas hesitate a little longer, focus on the communications and the fun light hearted side of dating.

I wish you the best of luck, there's a better guy out there for you.

Hi there,

I appreciate your feedback. But with the last two guys, I didn't play the therapist. I knew not to. I legitimately told him that I'm not looking to be a therapist and I'm looking for someone that is self aware, has a good friend group and has done the work to grow. He told me about his divorce as I deserved to know (didn't go into much details,just that she cheated) that he had been married before if case I wasn't interested in dating someone who has been divorced, how he was a rebel in his teenage years/early twenties and his relationship with his parents ( he told me a couple of stories about his parents). We were slowly unraveling. I was not guiding him or giving any analysis of input on anything he told me. He honestly never have a break down or been upset at all since what happened with his family last week and I just gave him space. 

The last guy and I never talked about sad things or trauma. He was NEVER vulnerable. We had so much fun.

 

Me two years ago definitely would have been guilty of what you outlined though. 

This response was very good for me prior to this year haha. Definitely already grown enough to not play therapist. I appreciate your perspective though. 

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41 minutes ago, Shelley511 said:

My friends think that I'm too compassionate and should not have the patience that I do

It's not about being too compassionate or patient. It's about you not having firm boundaries and lacking the self-worth to just walk away when someone starts rattling off their own warning signs. 

 

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50 minutes ago, Shelley511 said:

But I can't help but wonder... What am I doing wrong?? Was I wrong for giving him a chance after learning about his trauma?

How long did you two date before he opened up about his trauma? What was the dating like?

I don't think you were wrong for giving him the benefit of the doubt and seeing the good in him. But, I need more context from the above. It seems he opened up too quickly, which can be a red flag.

I'm sorry about the break up. Time will heal. Hang in there 💚

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9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not about being too compassionate or patient. It's about you not having firm boundaries and lacking the self-worth to just walk away when someone starts rattling off their own warning signs. 

 

Thank you for this feedback. What do you think the alarms were?

Was it the information he shared in general? Or the fact that he shared info in general? 

He made it clear that I was looking for a relationship and not to be someone's therapist from the get go. 

We met on an app and he asked if being divorced was a dealbreaker for me which is how I found out about that. 

He told me how important family was to him and how its a priority. He had worked for correct his relationships with them. More detail came out over time but we knew each other just under 3 months total. 

 

I think the point where my boundaries should have come into effect was over the last week.

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Is the depression guy this one or the last one?

I am going to assume this is different one since timelines dont match...

Anyway, you have to realize you are not a charity organisation. That kind of guys are drawn to you because you have "I can fix him" attitude and they need fixing. You need to stop that. Those guys are not ready for the healthy relationship and asking them to balance you and their problems is impossible. They are unable to do that and again, you are not a charity organisation or their terapist so you could tolerate that kind of behavior. If you want a normal relationship, stop taking charity cases.

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11 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How long did you two date before he opened up about his trauma? What was the dating like?

I don't think you were wrong for giving him the benefit of the doubt and seeing the good in him. But, I need more context from the above. It seems he opened up too quickly, which can be a red flag.

I'm sorry about the break up. Time will heal. Hang in there 💚

He's very traditional so the dates were great. Picked me up, went to eat or grab drinks, would talk, never pressured me into sex but it did happen when I was ready and wanted to, went to his work party, etc. He treated me very respectfully and it was clear he valued me. He communicated very openly throughout it. A month in he told me that he sees me being long term but we aren't there yet which I understood and I wasn't even bringing up exclusivity. 

We made things exclusive a week after that though. He has his list of needs and I guess he was just making sure I checked them off just like I was very overt about what I needed. 

I found out about his divorce right away because he asked if being divorced is a dealbreaker for me. I think that is reasonable. I found out later that she had cheated on him.

I found out about some of his family stuff (I didn't know all of it, probably skimmed the surface) 1 1/2 months in. 

 

It's interesting because the last two guys were not vulnerable AT ALL. The guy that things just ended with and I discussed how we will slowly unravel. He had a good support base of friends and his faith so I trusted that he would be ok. He had counseling in the past too. 

 

 

 

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On 5/14/2022 at 12:37 PM, Shelley511 said:

Hi everyone,

I'll start off by saying that I'm extremely anxious. I met this guy online 7 1/2 weeks ago and it was looking promising. He's very communicative and forward. I was aware of how busy of a person he was when he started dating as well. He works in finance - the type of job where they work 12-14 hour days and even work on the weekend or have to travel for work. He gave me a heads up that the next month or so would be very busy which I understood. 

Within the first 5 weeks, we went on 4 dates which were great and he asked me out on a fifth which would have been a week ago. I've met and hung out with his friends, I've slept over, we slept together ago a few weeks of dating. He started not feeling feel before he left for a work trip a couple of weeks ago (2 Mondays ago). Our date was planned for the end of that week when be got back (would have been a week ago). He asked to reschedule for when he was feeling better which I totally understood. He couldn't keep food down. He was still feeling sick at the beginning of this week but said he was starting to feel better and would see a doctor on Friday (yesterday). He was being warm through text throughout this week (called me sweet, said I was a beauty, said he's been stoked to know me after I made a joke about how he should be, texts me a lot through out the day, tells me what he's up to the one day he did get back to me late). We had talked everyday throughout the day since we met 7 1/2 weeks ago. The one day I didn't receive any message, he was on his business trip which I know is real. He hasn't texted me back since yesterday morning. I know his friend has a series of events this entire weekend (Saturday and Sunday) which I know he'd support him at. We didn't talk about this, I just know his friend. It's a VERY big deal what his friend is doing. He also had a very long work week and wasn't feeling well midweek. Am I being ghosted? Do I give him space? My last text wasn't a question but I figured he could have responded. I haven't seen him in person in 2 1/2-3weeks because of the business trip and sickness. I believe him about them. What should I do? I'm so anxious. 

 

On 11/20/2022 at 3:10 PM, Shelley511 said:

Good afternoon everyone,

I had been dating a guy for a few months. Things were really well. I had noticed that he has been less groomed, had darkness in his eyes and generally looked distracted for the last couple of weeks. He had been showing up really late for dates looking .... Not in the best shape in everyway. I didn't doubt how he felt about me. 

Yesterday, he showed up an hour late for our date and again... He looked... In pain in his eyes and like he just rolled out of bed. He told me that he has mental health issues. He essentially said that he can't be dating right now because it's gotten so bad that he doesn't get out of bed, doesn't shower, doesn't respond to friends. He said this is a long term issue and has been present in the past. He told me that I've been the only thing that's been making him happy and that was just keeping the depression at bay but the depression has been overwhelming. He said that I make him happy, that my smile makes him happy, that I was the person he looked forward to seeing and always was happy to be around. But he needs to focus on getting himself better. I had told him that I had noticed the shift in him a couple of weeks ago and asked if that was why. He said it was and he was running the scenarios out in his mind and was trying to push though but him and I don't deserve that way he's been acting (him stuck in bed depressed which is why he had been late for our dates). He said there has been no other girl, he likes me and saw us going somewhere. However, his mental health is bad and he can't date. He wanted to be friends and it didn't need a conversation we had that day, he mentioned talking about it in a couple of weeks. I told him that I couldn't have that conversation with him right now because I have feelings for him and that I had to process. I told him that when he is in a better place to reach out if he was looking to date. He made it clear he had feelings for me too in this conversation. He said he didn't want to end things but he has to start figuring out how to solve this long term mental health issue. 

 

This morning, I got a message from him. I got to read the preview which said that the conversation yesterday must not have been fun and

 asked how I was feeling.

My thoughts are really disorganized. I'm wondering why he is reaching out. I know that if I kept him around, I wouldn't have friendship intentions. I also don't want to hurt him. I'm grieving myself. But he was so vulnerable with me about his mental health. I could see that he was suffering in the weeks leading up to it.

 

My questions are so selfish. I'm embarrassed but it's what came to mind less than 24 hours after our separation.

What's the best course of action in this scenario? 

How is he able to let go if I make him so happy? 

 

I had done so much work on myself and finally started dating this guy who treated me so so so well. I'll miss that. I didn't want it to end as what we had was truly unique. 

 

I quoted your posts from May and November, in addition to today's query about this current guy.

In May, the guy was too busy to date.  He was too busy to even ever speak on the phone.

In November, the guy suffered from depression and seemed to need a therapist, as he'd show up an hour & a half late, unkempt.

Today's post is about a guy who has some sort of familial issues that are causing him stress.

In all of your posts, you repeatedly say you don't want to be someone's therapist.  You tell the guys this.  Yet, you find yourself in the role of therapist.

Your question today is "What's wrong with me"?  My response:  You gravitate towards guys who are not dateable, but you write paragraphs about all the details about how wonderful they are, dismissing any notion of what would be good for you.

What is it that you want?  If it's a guy who isn't too busy to date, a guy who has completely worked out his mental health issues, a guy who can be that 50/50 partner for you, then what's wrong with you is, you're not only gravitating towards these wrong-for-you guys, you're ruminating over them.

I know this sounds harsh, but it's not meant to be.  Figure out what patterns in your own life, your childhood, your world, that keep drawing you to men who are simply not relationship material.  This might take therapy on your part.

 

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11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is the depression guy this one or the last one?

I am going to assume this is different one since timelines dont match...

Anyway, you have to realize you are not a charity organisation. That kind of guys are drawn to you because you have "I can fix him" attitude and they need fixing. You need to stop that. Those guys are not ready for the healthy relationship and asking them to balance you and their problems is impossible. They are unable to do that and again, you are not a charity organisation or their terapist so you could tolerate that kind of behavior. If you want a normal relationship, stop taking charity cases.

Your assumption was correct. 

I don't even think I go into anything intending to fix anyone. But I think you're referring to me being upset that they can't balance their self care and being in a relationship? 

 

I truly don't realize that they are charity cases if I'm honest. Both guys put a real effort in. With the depressed guy, I noticed the darkness in his eyes, the unkeptness of him, etc., and I made note of it but didn't process it at the time until *** hit the fan. He had never opened up about his issues until the end. With the last guy, he was very intentional, he was so self aware and worked on himself so much, had a great support base and relied on his faith so much that I figured that he had processed and grown from his past. This past week was the first indication that he wasn't as healed as I thought he was. Our communication was so great. This is going to sound so stupid but it was the first time I've felt safe in my gut about a romantic connection. But apparently I still have a problem. 

 

I really appreciate your feedback. I keep making improvements to how I approach things but apparently mistakes still happen. 

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1 hour ago, Shelley511 said:

I knew about his trauma but made sure he had gotten help for it and had a good support system in place before we made things exclusive

So, from what I understand, he had a trauma surface just before you were exclusive?

If yes, then he wasn't ready to date. Point blank.

1 hour ago, Shelley511 said:

I made it clear that I was not looking to be a therapist

Why did you feel the need to say that to him? You shouldn't need to say that to anyone. Not directly at least. You should have trusted your own assessment of the situation instead and walked away. I think your alarm was correct, but you chose to blurt out the above as opposed to walking away. But, I get it. You gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, I might be wrong, but I think he trauma-dumped on you. I think it was too early for him to do that. When you're dating, you're going in with your best foot forward. If his best foot forward includes trauma dumping on you, then he wasn't ready to date. And as you see, he came back to that conclusion.

However, let me clarify one thing. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you. When we date, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves in the process. It's a try and learn kind of thing. None of us here is perfect at dating, and if we do it well, it's because we've had our share of mistakes too. It's okay to make mistakes. Give yourself some grace. At least it was just 3 months, so you have not wasted too much time.

Next time, check the red flags and don't stay to find out how red are the red flags. Guy won't commit? Bye. Guy trauma dumps with puppy eyes from the first dates? Bye. Guy is flaky? Bye. Know your worth and you'll get there. Don't accept to be treated by someone any less than the way you treat them. Stand up to yourself and your standards.

I hope you've got some ice-cream to sooth the emotions 💚

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1 hour ago, Shelley511 said:

But I can't help but wonder... What am I doing wrong??

I'd start by questioning the premise that you 'must' be doing something wrong.

Given that most people are NOT our match, sometimes it requires a bit of dating to learn that beyond our initial screening. It's rare to find a lasting couples where either partner has NOT had their fair share of prior relationships.

So maybe these are just your prior relationships? Some of the hard knocks we all typically take before finding our RIGHT partner?

If this doesn't ring simple or true enough for you, and you believe that your breakups are about mistakes that YOU are making, then none of us can say you're not right about that.

In that case, I'd research the term 'trauma bonding.' It's a subliminal handshake between two partners who ring a bell of attraction to something in the other that agrees with a faulty sense of what 'love' is. This faulty sense is an imprint from our earliest development where longing is built into our definition of love.

This would attract you to the traumas of others, spoken or unspoken, because their damage resonates with your unconscious feelings of 'love'.

This would be stuff to explore with a 'trauma informed' therapist who can help you to heal your attraction pattern and improve your choices in love prospects.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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24 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

 

 

I quoted your posts from May and November, in addition to today's query about this current guy.

In May, the guy was too busy to date.  He was too busy to even ever speak on the phone.

In November, the guy suffered from depression and seemed to need a therapist, as he'd show up an hour & a half late, unkempt.

Today's post is about a guy who has some sort of familial issues that are causing him stress.

In all of your posts, you repeatedly say you don't want to be someone's therapist.  You tell the guys this.  Yet, you find yourself in the role of therapist.

Your question today is "What's wrong with me"?  My response:  You gravitate towards guys who are not dateable, but you write paragraphs about all the details about how wonderful they are, dismissing any notion of what would be good for you.

What is it that you want?  If it's a guy who isn't too busy to date, a guy who has completely worked out his mental health issues, a guy who can be that 50/50 partner for you, then what's wrong with you is, you're not only gravitating towards these wrong-for-you guys, you're ruminating over them.

I know this sounds harsh, but it's not meant to be.  Figure out what patterns in your own life, your childhood, your world, that keep drawing you to men who are simply not relationship material.  This might take therapy on your part.

 

I don't believe that I am behaving as a therapist for any of them to their faces. With the current one, we were slowly unraveling. He had asked if being divorced was a dealbreaker for me as he had been. Later on in dating, I found out that she had cheated on him. He discussed how important family was to him when we were discussing values and such. In a similar matter, I found out that he put effort into his parents and siblings a lot because he wanted healthy relationships with them. I know a couple of other details that are major but not all the details. I didn't give him feedback or meet up with him to discuss traumas all day. I'm just aware of what trauma is because of all the therapy I've received. I'm not justifying anything or trying to disagree with you. I'm just not sure how I played the therapist in this scenario. Is it because I know some things? Please know I'm not trying to disrespect you! When I had brought up not being a therapist, it was because I was discussing my needs of things being consistent, congruency, equals, individuals with hobbies, friends, etc who come together when they are good apart. 

 

What's interesting is I thought he was datable because all of the work he had done on himself and how self aware he was. I didn't expect him to mentally spiral when he got in a fight with his family. Witnessing it caught me off guard. 

 

He had all the clear needs that I listed. I guess he didn't work through things enough even thought he has a good support base, got help in the past, has his faith, drive to grow, has very clearly grown and self awareness. 

 

I appreciate your feedback so much! Thank you!

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2 hours ago, Shelley511 said:

,  My friends think that I'm too compassionate and should not have the patience that I do. 

Listen to your friends. A good relationship is a balance, not one person fixing another.

Reflect on why you are doing that. Remember that even though you mean well, no one wants to be someone's project.

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54 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It's not so much about whether you're "behaving as a therapist" with the guys.  It's the fact that you're selecting, exclusively, guys who are in dire need of a therapist.

^^ This.

For some reason, these guys all have the same thing in common:  They are all in need of a therapist.

You are maybe not necessarily playing that role, but in staying past the first few red flags, you're allowing yourself to be hurt by these men who are simply not dateable.

Yes, they appear dateable at first.  They've "dealt" with their issues (turns out they have not), they treat you well, they call when they say they will.  Until it turns out, their issues are still very much there.

Get out sooner.  And figure out why you stay, and why you ruminate over it.  A healthy relationship doesn't start out like this, nor does it get worse.  To have a healthy relationship, we must be a healthy partner, which means getting out when we realize it doesn't work for us, and staying out, both physically and mentally.

Think of it this way:  Say you decide to quit eating junk food, start working out, want to live a healthier lifestyle.  You meet a new friend, but she's into fast food, couch surfing, and doesn't own a pair of walking shoes.  If you decide to stay her friend, that's cool, but she's not likely to change to work with your new lifestyle, so eventually, you'll need to find friends, in a world, where you can practice this newfound healthy lifestyle without judgment.  Staying in her world, on the couch eating the broken chips at the bottom of the bag, keeps you stuck.

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1 hour ago, Shelley511 said:

I truly don't realize that they are charity cases if I'm honest. Both guys put a real effort in.

At the start while you dont know them yet. After a while they become undatable mess. You should, as we say here "open up 4 eyes wide open" while you date people. Precisely because there a lot of people out  there with a lot of issues. And you shouldnt indulge them when you discover those issues. When you discover them, that is your cue to walk away. Not to wait for them to resolve those issues. So, "open up 4 eyes" next time please. 

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3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It's not so much about whether you're "behaving as a therapist" with the guys.  It's the fact that you're selecting, exclusively, guys who are in dire need of a therapist.

Don't feel guilty.  ...

Date healthy men.   ...

Yes! You may not be trying to 'therapize' anyone, but you are participating in a co-dependency-like involvement.

As though this is natural, or a 'must have' for you.

The word 'discrimination' has harsh undertones, but on it's flip side it's a healthy use of judgement to select one's options carefully.

You have leaned into the role of a support person for those who are 'in progress'. That's a great vocation, but not-so-great for partner selection.

Leave it to @Jaunty for clarity.

Embrace HEALTHY. You can always 'go back' to a social worker mentality to learn where you can help others in a totally different context later.

JUST DON'T MAKE THAT YOUR LOVE LIFE!

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6 hours ago, Shelley511 said:

I responded to him thanking him for the transparency, told him that I wished he'd let me be there but it doesn't seem like he has the capacity, that I have to respect his decision even if I don't want to, I told him that I still care, bye for now and that I'm opened to reconnect. 

This reads to me as a lack of self-esteem on your end. It's sort of like you're willing to settle for the scraps of friendship (and the words I put in bold are suggestive as a supportive ear for his problems, so you saying you didn't want to be a therapist is reading as the opposite in this excerpt).

Open for reconnecting is unwise, as you already thought he'd grown past his former difficulties, and yet he hadn't. Whose to say this pattern wouldn't repeat? 

You're so close to the situation you can't see an alternate possibility--that he'd set up this exit from the very beginning, as some guys actually want short term, even as they say otherwise. They like to bolt as soon as they've met the goal of intimacy, and then it gets to the point the woman expects things to go to the next level. He could've put that worm in your ear about past trauma, and then pulled it out of his hat when the time came. He could then get out without too much melodrama from you, since who could argue about his mental health needs?

Do some more work on your self-love, and perhaps you might end up with better relationship success. I know when I did OLD, there were times I thought my self-love was at a good level, but looking back, I found it was far from being healthy. I shake my head at what I put up with. With time and distance, I saw things through a clearer lens. 

Good luck going into our new year.

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I used to fall into the trap of wanting the damaged baby bird to nurture back to health. I found it romantic that I could take this damaged man and show him how it felt to be loved and accepted. But it backfired every time. They either were too damaged to know how to give love and/or to accept it with grace or they embraced their damage and used it as an excuse to cause pain to others. It never worked out.

I finally learned that it was me who was damaged and that's why I thought I had a better chance with troubled men. Totally wrong and self destructive.

After I realized this I learned to walk away as soon as I saw signs a man wasn't emotionally healthy. The last guy who I started to get involved with along these lines told me about all sorts of turmoil he had been going through. I noticed it pretty much was all self inflicted, which he excused by saying "Well, I can't help it, I have an ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY!!!" I got away from that one. And he's still stumbling around ruining his own life to this day. He'd have ruined mine too if I'd let him.

There's a reason why you keep choosing damaged baby birds. Find out why so you can end this cycle.

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He’s telling you he’s not capable of being in a healthy relationship now. Believe him, he’s doing you a favor. You may want to ask yourself if you’re ready for one too, since you want so badly to be with someone who has told you he isn’t emotionally available. 

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21 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So, from what I understand, he had a trauma surface just before you were exclusive?

If yes, then he wasn't ready to date. Point blank.

Why did you feel the need to say that to him? You shouldn't need to say that to anyone. Not directly at least. You should have trusted your own assessment of the situation instead and walked away. I think your alarm was correct, but you chose to blurt out the above as opposed to walking away. But, I get it. You gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Also, I might be wrong, but I think he trauma-dumped on you. I think it was too early for him to do that. When you're dating, you're going in with your best foot forward. If his best foot forward includes trauma dumping on you, then he wasn't ready to date. And as you see, he came back to that conclusion.

However, let me clarify one thing. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you. When we date, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves in the process. It's a try and learn kind of thing. None of us here is perfect at dating, and if we do it well, it's because we've had our share of mistakes too. It's okay to make mistakes. Give yourself some grace. At least it was just 3 months, so you have not wasted too much time.

Next time, check the red flags and don't stay to find out how red are the red flags. Guy won't commit? Bye. Guy trauma dumps with puppy eyes from the first dates? Bye. Guy is flaky? Bye. Know your worth and you'll get there. Don't accept to be treated by someone any less than the way you treat them. Stand up to yourself and your standards.

I hope you've got some ice-cream to sooth the emotions 💚

I don't remember when he told me about his relationship with his parents. Probably around the time we became exclusive. But when he was triggered by the fight with his family members was after we were exclusive. It was my first time seeing how he responded to a stressor like that. He generally handles stress easily. 

The reason why I said that I wasn't looking to be a therapist was when we were discussing our needs in a relationship. In retrospect, I see where you're coming from but I didn't make the comment is response to anything he had said. It was on my list of needs along with - wants kids, consistency, congruency, etc. I went into this round of dating knowing what my needs were. He had told me what his list was too. 

I guess a great point you made was me needing to understand when someone is being vulnerable/open and when they're trauma dumping. I was under the impression that he was being vulnerable because it's not like he was pouring out his soul to me and these things he told me are a big reason of who he is how and why he values what he does. But maybe he shared too much. Maybe I should just accept that most men I come across who have that trauma, likely truly haven't worked through it even if it seems like the did. It's tough because he treated me SO well. I know I'll get through it with time but I felt understood, safe probably for the first time and respected. 

 

I appreciate your kind words and your wisdom.💚 I think I'll need lots of ice cream and time to grieve. 

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21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd start by questioning the premise that you 'must' be doing something wrong.

Given that most people are NOT our match, sometimes it requires a bit of dating to learn that beyond our initial screening. It's rare to find a lasting couples where either partner has NOT had their fair share of prior relationships.

So maybe these are just your prior relationships? Some of the hard knocks we all typically take before finding our RIGHT partner?

If this doesn't ring simple or true enough for you, and you believe that your breakups are about mistakes that YOU are making, then none of us can say you're not right about that.

In that case, I'd research the term 'trauma bonding.' It's a subliminal handshake between two partners who ring a bell of attraction to something in the other that agrees with a faulty sense of what 'love' is. This faulty sense is an imprint from our earliest development where longing is built into our definition of love.

This would attract you to the traumas of others, spoken or unspoken, because their damage resonates with your unconscious feelings of 'love'.

This would be stuff to explore with a 'trauma informed' therapist who can help you to heal your attraction pattern and improve your choices in love prospects.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it. 

Ive just done so many adjustments and he met all my needs. Like I had written down exactly what I wanted. Everyone has their baggage and I truly was looking for the signs that he had worked through it. It was how he spiraled because of a fight with his family members that caught me off guard. He's also religious so I think he thinks there's also a spiritual element to it as well. It's just so difficult to accept that despite making this list and reflecting on past situations, it didn't work out. I think I need to accept that him spiraling because of family may be something that is lifelong response to whenever he would get in a fight with them. He says that his mind has never felt like this before and it has lingered for over a week. 

 

I do work with a trauma informed mental health professional. Trauma bonding is definitely something I should research more. It didn't feel like that was what was happening because I've been there before. Maybe I'm just dealing with the consequences of dating someone who hadn't actually learned how to manage their responses to trauma even if it seemed like it did. But then again... 3 failures this year. I need to question why I personalize these things so much when it isn't about me. In the two prior situations, I can definitely see where I should have put my foot down. With this one, his response to his fight with family would have been my first sign if I didn't want to just walk away when I find out that someone has a bit of a history. This sucks. 

 

I'm doing a lot of thinking as I type this out. I really do appreciate your response. I'm still cloudy from the shock of this situation. I'm glad that I'll have this to read again later. 

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OP, the other reason I wouldn't lean too much into the trauma aspect of this is because you have no idea if it's even true. 

What I mean is this: he may indeed have suffered trauma in his life. But that might have nothing to do with the demise of this relationship. For all you know, he could have met someone else and is using this trauma spiral as an excuse to avoid being honest with you. 

 

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