porn during sex?

[Yzzi]

So it all started when my bf and i were having funky time a week or two back. We were getting our rocks off and having a good time when i looked back he was watching a porn video and enjoying it more then he was with me. Instantly ruined the mood for me but i let him keep going till he finished. Now every time we’re about to do it i think back to that and notice that the girl looked nothing like me or even remotely close, does this mean he doesnt like me? Or does it mean he’s bored of me? I feel gross about myself eveytime i think about it or when we’re going to do it. Lately every time we do it its been boring or we just stop as soon as we start or he’s definitely not in the mood. I’m so confused as how to feel about anything. I feel like i have no right to feel the way i do but its just eating away at me.

 

[Batya33]

I think sex should be comfortable for both people. So tell him that you are not comfortable having sex while he watches a porn video. I wouldn't worry about what the woman looked like - it's a person on a video and he loves you, right? Also ask him if he wants to spice up yours and his sex life.

[Starlight925]

Um, yeah, that's a no for me, dog.

If it's a no for you too, then it's a no.  Tell him.  If he's not ok with this, or he simply "can't" have sex without it, then it might be an unfortunate mismatch.

[DarkCh0c0]

Kick him to the curb. He has a porn addiction and you are not equipped to deal with this. Don't try to play therapist nor fix him. Just walk away.

How awful of him to put you through this. There's an episode in Sex And the City whereby Miranda is with a guy who is exactly like this. You can watch it to feel empowered. I think it's Episode 6 Season 2.

[lostandhurt]

So he was USING you instead of his hand to masturbate to porn?

Yeah you need to rethink this relationship right now.  It is only going to get worse.

He is an idiot...

Lost

[MiaAntonia]

This is a fairly common problem where the man wants to watch porn while doing his woman. I face this situation quite a bit in my practice.

If you love him, and trust him, and interested in keeping the relationship, do not confront him. Join him, and watch with him, and comment on the woman or whatever he is watching. Try to use dirty words, describing the woman or the action you are seeing. Let his interest in porn be diverted to you, by provoking him with your encouragement and words. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MiaAntonia said:

This is a fairly common problem where the man wants to watch porn while doing his woman. I face this situation quite a bit in my practice.

If you love him, and trust him, and interested in keeping the relationship, do not confront him. Join him, and watch with him, and comment on the woman or whatever he is watching. Try to use dirty words, describing the woman or the action you are seeing. Let his interest in porn be diverted to you, by provoking him with your encouragement and words. 

I find this so concerning  - this "how to keep your man" - I think this is fine if the woman also feels comfortable taking on this role, comfortable with the porn her partner is watching, and it's consistent with her values and standards -I do not think anyone should do this just out of love for one's partner. 

[electricorchid]

This is EXACTLY why I don't understand why women are so flexible about letting men watch porn in general during a relationship and even worse, during sex. If we're only human and you thoughts are going to wander If he like what he sees visually in his porn more than what he has in person then why let him watch it? I would have this discussion with him, I've had to have this convo with my ex and my ex understood immediately why it made me feel uncomfortable when I explained why to him. I personally think this is emotional cheating, visualizing and getting off to another woman instead of your partner is emotional cheating. 

A lot of people will try to argue my point that if he loves you then it's ok, but to be honest it all comes down to values and if you two value "monogamous values" in the same way. If two people are not on the same page about this then OF course you're going to naturally feel jealous, uncomfortable and etc. 

Personally I don't see the need but here's as to why: Instead of investing energy and time into just you and him together during sex and focusing on yourselves and your sexual energy and connection combined, you're basically tinkering with a third party distraction that's digital and also NOT you that's not allowing you to do that. So for me personally, this is a fat no. Just sharing my opinion so you can come to your own decision and conclusions on your own. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/25/2022 at 9:03 AM, Yzzi said:

. Instantly ruined the mood for me 

It's important that both of you enjoy sex and obviously him being distracted by and engrossed in the screen is not working. Perhaps reconsider why there were relationship issues in the first place.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, electricorchid said:

This is EXACTLY why I don't understand why women are so flexible about letting men watch porn in general during a relationship and even worse, during sex.

Women in general? I don't think so.  Some women and some men are ok with it, some men and some women love the additional excitement of watching porn together.  Some men and some women like having another person in bed with them.  I think flexibility is great as long as it aligns with the person's values and comfort level.  And sometimes people want to experiment with going out of their comfort zone and reevaluate those boundaries-I have in my marriage -not sexually but in several different areas.  It depends.

[jul-els]

On 1/2/2023 at 9:34 AM, Batya33 said:

I find this so concerning  - this "how to keep your man" - I think this is fine if the woman also feels comfortable taking on this role, comfortable with the porn her partner is watching, and it's consistent with her values and standards -I do not think anyone should do this just out of love for one's partner. 

Agree. You both need to be in agreement and on the same page. He’s being horny, a typical male trait, and you’re being emotional, a typical female trait. Communication is the thing that brings you to a place where the two of you can meet in the middle. Neither one of you is right or wrong for feeling the way you do, but when you each have different feelings about something, it needs to be discussed in an open, respectful, adult manner. Letting him run over your boundaries is a bad way to go. It will only compound the issue.