My (f19) boyfriend (m19 commented on my biggest insecurity

[Ella2717277]

I was talking to my boyfriend about how I’m insecure about my nose and want to change it. He kept telling me that I looked fine and that I don’t need to fix it. When I changed the subject he stopped me and said that he “didn’t want to lie” and that he did notice SOMETHING about my nose but it was so “minuscule” that he only noticed after seeing my face up close.

 

He could tell I felt bad and started saying things like how his own insecurities about his nose are much more noticeable and he can’t stress how “minuscule” the problem with my nose is. 

 

The next day he apologized a lot. He told me he was tired at the time (last night we spoke around midnight on the phone) and he didn’t mean what he said. He also said there was nothing wrong with my nose and that he cannot possibly look at me in a negative light. 

 

I don’t understand why he pointed out the problem with my nose when he knows Im insecure about it. This conversation also happened after I opened up to him about my body issues and battle with anorexia in the past.

 

I know it’s just a small comment but I can’t get over my own boyfriend thinking there’s something wrong with my face. Am I being too sensitive for thinking of breaking up with him?

[Batya33]

You opened the door to this issue -why were you discussing this with your boyfriend in the first place? Yes he could have been more tactful but he's not a mindreader -perhaps he wanted to validate you that you can have some work done on your nose.

[catfeeder]

Good point. In this age of shaming anything even slightly superficial, he may have been trying to support you if you're entertaining any ideas of doing anything to help you feel better.

I can only speak for myself. Having the smallest bit of removal from the sides of my nose was the most liberating thing I've ever done. If I knew that is was so simple, I would have done it years earlier. It has spared me all makeup that I had used to compensate, down to the smallest amount of UV ray coverage and some mascara. Boom! Done, and feeling fabulous ever since.

Head high, and if this is important to you, embrace change.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Ella2717277 said:

. This conversation also happened after I opened up to him about my body issues and battle with anorexia in the past

Sorry this is happening. Although you are looking for reassurance with self criticism, hoping to hear "it's fine", this approach puts the other person on the spot.

It's similar to the perpetual question of "does this make me look fat?", in hopes to be reassured.

The best people to discuss this with are your health care providers. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Research "Body Dysmorphic Disorder". It can take on a life of it's own but the good news is there's a lot of help a available.

A BF can not be a therapist and be responsible for knowing the desired response in every situation. You can work on self acceptance with help from your healthcare providers.

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, Ella2717277 said:

I don’t understand why he pointed out the problem with my nose when he knows Im insecure about it. This conversation also happened after I opened up to him about my body issues and battle with anorexia in the past.

I don't think either of you were coming from a bad place. But I do think that you guys both need to learn the skill of self-editing. Everything does not have to be said.

[Andrina]

Everybody says dumb things now and then. It's what their intent was that's important. It doesn't sound at all like his intent was to be mean or hurt you. You should let that slide.

I, myself, like most people, have things l like about my body and face, and things I'm not too crazy about. Never once have I said a thing to my husband about what I see as my bodily faults. In my mind, he might not have noticed or doesn't have the same opinion, but if I pointed out the flaws, he'd really look and think, "Hmm, maybe she does have a point."

And really, those discussions usually are quite boring to a guy.

What should you have done in hindsight, perhaps? At the point you've saved enough money to change your nose to your liking, you could've then told him when you were going in for surgery.

Take care and happy holidays.

[smackie9]

This what you do...stop putting yourself down. If you want plastic surgery to fix it sure put that on the back burner until you are ready.

The mom talk: Remember guys can be thick headed. He thought by agreeing with you that he was being supportive, but when he said it he knew he messed up and tried to recover, but made things worse. Just let it go. There are more important things in life than this little squabble. Just enjoy the holiday season by going out and see the light displays, ice skating, etc.