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LONG STORY! 
So I (23F) recently broke it off with my fiancé (27M) of 1.5 years. I am still trying to process how I feel about it; everyone in my life is glad that I ended it and I can clearly see times where I was wronged, and yet I can't help but feel lost and lonely. 
My ex was a good man, in that he was an independent and deep thinker, unique, very smart, and a "C" type personality.He was also religious and we had all the same values. I, on the other hand, am a very soft and emotional introverted girl. 
Throughout our relationship, there were a couple rough patches in which our chemistry and connection needed work: we would discuss that we needed to talk more, he would often make me feel bad for being quiet in new or uncomfortable situations (even though we are both listeners and equally to blame), and in general compare me to my more extroverted and lively family. As an insecure person, this made me slightly more insecure, but I plowed through, giving him my all and treating him with so much respect, love, spontaneous gifts, kisses, and what have you, and tried to change to become a better fiancee. He is basically an emotionless guy, his love for me was never expressed in words, but more so through his actions (taking me to dinner, paying for small items, listening to my problems) etc.

Over time however, he got more stressed due to social problems from feeling neglected by friends. He also was worried that his chances of getting into med school were slim. When he finally got an interview, he only focused on the negative in that scenario and would self deprecate about himself being a loser and having no friends and that everyone else was rich and perfect etc etc. “I only got one interview, I’m such a failure” .

I took on sort of a motherly role and helped him through these struggles which lasted months and are still going on. 
Over time though, he would take out his frustrations on me: I was never enough for him. My teeth were a major turn off and I needed to get them fixed, my photos weren't as attractive as the real thing "not all angles are worth sending"/ "maybe I just have a low libido", I wasn't fluent enough in his "comfort" home language although I expressed that I was trying to learn and that it would take lots of time. 

He hid the fact that I have hearing loss from his father for months, as though it was a taboo subject. When his family finally found out, he was so scared and nervous and started overreacting about the chance of my and his future children inheriting it (its just a moderate loss, nothing else). His father started poking fun at intermarriage and the issues it could cause (my parents are cousins, so I guess he was mocking that intermarriage was still in practice and thus I was a byproduct of such a catastrophe).

My ex asked for my genetic tests repeatedly, wanting to see what genes I carried and what possible diseases I could pass on. When I was depleted and upset about this and withdrew, he got angry that I had ignored his calls and texts and told me that I needed to stop withdrawing from him anytime I was bothered.
So small incidents like this were more commonplace, and it got to a point where every other week these same couple issues that I couldn't change were cropping up over and over again. I just forgave him every time because I loved him, but it chipped at my self esteem over time.

A month ago, he wanted to take a break and said that he wanted to explore his options and that I was never engaging enough and that he was bored with me and that he wanted to find someone more clicking. I was of course destroyed. The next day he came back and apologized and said he was just feeling rejection from life and that we would try again. After this recent event, my anxiety was through the roof, i was crying more than I ever have in my life, and I had lost 20 pounds from all my stress. I wasn’t eating a thing! 

But this is when the relationship really went south and finally ended:
What happened was that about three weeks ago he came over. We had a great time, played board games, even got intimate afterwards. 

The next night, over text just after a silly conversation, he tells me he’s too young and immature for a relationship. Out of the blue. 
I was like “What the hell..are you serious, you can’t just spring that on someone!” He said, “Yes, I can’t maintain a relationship and I don’t wanna get married for at least five more years” (we were engaged and I was discussing wedding plans for the following year). My heart was shattered, I tried to reason and he started self deprecating and saying that I deserved better and that he was narcissistic and a loser and that he wanted his freedoms: the freedom to do random things with his brothers or potentially move far away and not have to deal with all the crap life was throwing at him. 

Now I was plenty used to the self pity by this point, but the fact that he had blatantly told me that I deserved better and that he was narcissistic and young and immature and that he didn’t even have prospects and that he feels like an imposter in the relationship really hit the nail in the coffin for me. This was different. This looked to me like the absolute end.

I was very upset. He asked me “Why are you sad?” I said “Basically you’re telling me you’re done.” He said “No, but now that you know what’s in my head you can make your own judgment. I went to bed. This was different than all the previous self deprecating night text convos, this one seemed for real, he mentioned that he wanted to reach success then pursue a relationship and that he didn't want to be with anyone. Then the next day I cried to my parents and they saw the texts with their own eyes: they were furious that he had done this. 

Hours later I texted a long and respectful breakup message through tears.

He replied shortly with “No way, I never insinuated I wanted to split. You made it all about you when I was just self-deprecating the whole time. Have my actions never shown you I love you? Yeah I’m young and immature but I can still change, please, you just misunderstood me, you never get me the first time”. 
I was forced into an apology but before that, I exploded a bit and called him delusional and not normal. He love-bombed me and told me to please think about it and that it was all just some misunderstanding. He begged me to stay and told me he had problems but that he still loved me. 
The next morning he woke up MAD. He said, “You called me not normal yesterday, you and your mom and your whole family never think straight; why did you even drag your parents into this? I don’t want to deal with your behavior anymore. Think about what you’ve done.” I was flabbergasted. He then gave me the silent treatment for three days. I broke the silence after a day because it was childish to me and I wanted to just talk. He insulted me when I retracted my apology (for calling him delusional) because I realized I had been too kind and I wanted to stand up for myself. That is when he got very violent and abusive and called me very bad things and insulted my intelligence. I was rude, completely lost, beyond repair, and he felt indifferent towards me, saying that I was acting like a boss woman and that me calling him “toxic” was just me and my “stupid buzzwords from TikTok”. THIS is when I finally ended it for good. He immediately tried to switch back to the love bombing to bring me back, but that didn’t work. Then he tried to guilt me, saying, Just remember that you’re going to end a man’s entire engagement just over a few texts and stuff like that. Omg. Just a whirlwind. 

I can't help myself from going back over the old texts. I don't want to make excuses for him but I love him so much and I keep thinking to myself, maybe it was just self-deprecation, maybe he really does love me, maybe this really DID have nothing to do with me.. my heart and head are being pulled in opposite directions! And recently I heard from his younger brother that my ex is so butthurt over the whole thing and never truly wanted to leave me. I have no idea what to do. I just want to be able to sleep and eat again.

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It’s really tough and I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I’ve learned over time and from past relationships that any situation that causes you that much pain and anxiety to the point of affecting your physical health is simply not going to work.  I once lost over 50 pounds because of a woman who did nothing but play games with me.

As a guy who has suffered from anxiety and depression among other things my entire life, I admire you for your efforts and wish I could be with a woman who cares as much as you do.  So many women would look the other way as soon as there is a hint of anything negative - one woman who I was pondering proposing to even dumped me when I lost my job unexpectedly.  

Everyone has flaws, and life will undoubtedly have challenges along the way.  But you don’t deserve to be treated the way he is treating you.  One thing I have learned is that someone’s situation is no excuse for treating anyone badly.  If he really loves you, he wouldn’t do what he is doing. Read that last sentence over and over.

A recent reply to one of my posts in another forum really hit home for me.  I used to think every couple has their fair share of ups and downs, probably because of everything I went through growing up.  Then someone said in her 33 years of marriage, the downs are few and far between because they work together and respect each other.  One should feel safe, comfortable, and loved, not stressed, disrespected, and belittled.

You deserve to be happy.  Don’t let this guy continue to negatively affect your health.

I’m here if you want any advice from a guy’s perspective.  I feel your pain and am happy to help if I can.

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No, this man does not love you. He doesn't even have basic respect for you. 

He sounds exhausting, manipulative, rude and selfish. This guy is awful, in other words, and he is absoluely correct that he should not be in a relationship. He is an energy vampire and doesn't see you as his equal at all. "Self-deprecating"? Pfft. He's an pain in the arse, that's what he is. 

You need to get away from him and block him and all his famliy members too. 

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I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the heartbreak you're feeling.

Honestly, you were in an abusive relationship. You had bent yourself over and backwards to do whatever he wanted and that's not healthy. And, you still are under the influence of this man. To correct your post title: his actions AND words say no. It's sadly your wishful thinking that's clouding your judgement.

I would suggest you go no contact with him, his friends and his family. You are still in the thick of it, so to speak, and you still want him back in some way. So you take space away from all this so you can see clearly in your own eyes that he was a bad partner to you and didn't treat you right. He is negative, manipulative, criticized you and made you responsible for his feelings in an attempt to change you to whatever he wanted, and he never validated your feelings. Whatever good qualities he has go out of value because of how much of a pr!ck he was to you.

Please take some space and focus on loving yourself and surrounding yourself with good friends and family. If you love yourself enough, don't allow him back in your life. Don't let him jerk you around anymore. He says he's not ready for a relationship... Agree and kick him to the curb. You've wasted enough time and now it's time to be single and happy you. Use this time to reflect on your low self esteem and see why you've dragged yourself through this. You don't want to repeat the same pattern with another guy. Consider getting therapy or reading books that talk about emotional abuse.

Please remember that a healthy relationship includes a partner who makes you feel loved and heard. A healthy relationship is stable, consistent, and kind. A healthy partner would love your for who you are and not despite of it 💚 take care.

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6 hours ago, remerz said:

I took on sort of a motherly role and helped him through these struggles which lasted months and are still going on

It's not your job to play his mother, therapist, nurse, ect. Next time you go into a relationship, think of yourself as partner. If the man needs mothering, he can go to his mom's place and he's not partner material.

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Narcissists dont love anyone. You have to understand that you were not a person with emotions to him, you are a fan. He is emotionless because he is incapable of loving anyone but himself. You are precisely there to bring him entertainment, not to be with him. If he needs cheering up you are there to do that, and if he needs somebody to bring his frustrations to, you are also there. Narcissists are incapable of having a negative opinion on themselves because that would mean they are not perfect. So all his frustrations about school and everything else, are your fault according to him. You are not perfect so you bring him down.

Same with genetic tests. I dated a girl that told me about her previous relationship. And how she met her ex boyfriends family, specifically his aunt and that she was kinda crazy. So, she broke up with her boyfriend because "she doesnt mixes her genes with just anyone". Those were her exact words. In a moment I thought it was just a joke. But after a while when I read up more about narcissism, turns out she is the poster child for it and it was likely not a joke. Same with your ex. His thoughts are that his genes are perfect. If yours are not, well, he wont mix them with his. Because the thought that he wont make something perfect if he decides on a child with you, is incomprehensible to him.

Make no mistake, your ex has all the symptoms of narcissism. From emotionless husk that he is, to genes, to insulting you when you criticize him for something(because him having flaws would mean he is not perfect so he cant let that ego of his shattered) to love bombing you to get together again. No he doesnt love you, again, he is incapable of that. And you may not see it right now, but you should thank God that he broke up with you. Because that means you are finally free from him and his narcissistic behavior. Just delete and block him and dont talk to him ever again.

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