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How do I get over being ghosted and not take it personally?


Redrose120
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I went on two dates with a guy I met off a dating app. A lot in common, we both said we felt a connection. We ended up sleeping together on the second date. He was very affectionate afterwords and asked me to stay the night. Vague plans were made to meet up again this weekend the morning after. I texted him on Monday saying I’m going to be in his area on Saturday if he wants to see me again, and that I think I left some jewelry at his house. He said he would keep an eye out for it and that he would get back to me with plans. It’s been days with no communication. He also updated his dating app profile. So I texted him again today asking what was up, because I had to plan my weekend. It’s been 4 hours. No response. 

I just feel horrible. I feel used and discarded. I know you usually shouldn’t sleep with someone on the second date, but I thought I finally met someone who liked me for me, and someone who I had a connection with. Also upset because I did accidentally leave some jewelry there that I can’t get back. It’s just so hard to believe how someone can be so nice to you, and then drop you completely.

I just don’t understand why men do this. If he didn’t want to see me again why didn’t he just say he was busy? What’s the point of stringing me along and then not even answer? Struggling to not take it personally.

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17 minutes ago, Redrose120 said:

I just don’t understand why men do this. If he didn’t want to see me again why didn’t he just say he was busy? What’s the point of stringing me along and then not even answer?

Oh that is easy. He wanted sex and did everything to come to that. Once he got it, it doesnt matter. 

Dont sleep with men unless you get to know them better. Lots of men on dating apps only have a goal to sleep with the most number of women. Heck even some women do that now so its more "Hookup app" then "Dating app" lol. So unless you get to know somebody better, dont sleep with them. If you got to know him better you would maybe see how he is not a good man. Or he would just ghost you after you dont give him sex. But anyway, then you wouldnt have a problem like this. Where you are feeling used for sex. Like this, I am sorry, you would have to accept that you had a consentual sex with this man. And that there is nothing to do but accept that he is a bad man and not for you. Sorry about that and about jewelry.

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Did you also use him? What if you hadn't liked the sex much - would you have seen him again? Many people decide not to see someone again after meeting twice.  You agreed to have sex with him and you had fun and you enjoyed the sex.  You did that without any discussion of future intentions or exclusivity.  He could be a very good person who enjoys casual sex and enjoyed your company on a short term basis.  You agreed to have sex with him with no commitment and even no plan of a future date so what's wrong with him participating in what you were offering?

He didn't drop you because he never caught you -he is a person you met twice in person and he doesn't want to see you again so he didn't ask you out again and he didn't respond to you expressing interest in seeing him again.

I'm sorry about the jewelry -it's hard to keep track of stuff sometimes in unfamiliar places.  

It's fine to sleep with someone right away if you accept the potential downsides and if the fun of sex and pleasure is worth it to you - I never did that because I knew I'd get emotionally attached through sex and didn't ever want to take that risk.  Also it's easy to be "nice" to someone you just met - whether someone is a kind and thoughtful person over time and generally requires a much longer time investment and not just seeing if the person acts nicely to you for two dates and where you're naked together.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.  And I think you should lose the attitude ASAP that somehow this is about "men" or that he is necessarily not a good person because getting jaded and cynical is not going to help you be a good person to meet people to date.  And now you know  you don't like the feeling of having casual sex and then no other date is planned.  I hope you feel better!

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14 hours ago, Redrose120 said:

I went on two dates with a guy I met off a dating app. A lot in common, we both said we felt a connection. We ended up sleeping together on the second date. He was very affectionate afterwords and asked me to stay the night. Vague plans were made to meet up again this weekend the morning after. I texted him on Monday saying I’m going to be in his area on Saturday if he wants to see me again, and that I think I left some jewelry at his house. He said he would keep an eye out for it and that he would get back to me with plans. It’s been days with no communication. He also updated his dating app profile. So I texted him again today asking what was up, because I had to plan my weekend. It’s been 4 hours. No response. 

I just feel horrible. I feel used and discarded. I know you usually shouldn’t sleep with someone on the second date, but I thought I finally met someone who liked me for me, and someone who I had a connection with. Also upset because I did accidentally leave some jewelry there that I can’t get back. It’s just so hard to believe how someone can be so nice to you, and then drop you completely.

I just don’t understand why men do this. If he didn’t want to see me again why didn’t he just say he was busy? What’s the point of stringing me along and then not even answer? Struggling to not take it personally.

Maybe you feel bad because you made a bad choice and it hurt you.

instead of beating yourself up why not flip the script. Instead asking why are guys like this and feeling used...

Another perspective is- You enjoyed the sex and you learned something about yourself. You should not have casual sex.  And now you know that. 

It's not really rationale to ask "why do guys do this?" you did it, too. 

See your role in this and learn from it.  that's all you can do. 

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14 hours ago, Redrose120 said:

I thought I finally met someone who liked me for me

After just 2 dates, it's far too soon to make this assessment. He doesn't know you, and vice versa. 

All you know about each other is that you had a fun couple dates. It isn't possible for him to like you for you, because he barely knows who you are. The same goes for you. You felt some sparks, yes, but it's too soon to determine if there is a connection. 

14 hours ago, Redrose120 said:

I feel used and discarded

If you participated voluntarily, you were not used. I say this again because you two hardly know each other and yet you both chose to have sex. And that's not a bad thing, but you have to keep your expectations low and be realistic that it might go no further. 

Having said that, I get why it stings that he appears uninterested now. You're human it's okay to be disappointed. Just take this as a lesson that you should hold off on sex when you're not really dating someone. Not everyone is cut out for casual sex, and now you know that you are among them. That's perfectly fine. But try to resist the urge to tar and feather him when you hold equal responsibility for having sex early on. 

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15 hours ago, Redrose120 said:

just don’t understand why men do this. If he didn’t want to see me again why didn’t he just say he was busy? What’s the point of stringing me along and then not even answer? Struggling to not take it personally.

You gave him sex on the second date. It was so easy to get you in bed. He got what he wanted and left. Easy 🤷‍♀️

Next time, don't sleep with someone before you get to know them, trust them, and you are at least exclusive.

Just think of it as a fun sexual experience, and next time don't be in a rush to share your intimate body with a stranger. Take your time, look out for red flags, check if they are actually caring and thoughtful, ect.

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15 hours ago, Redrose120 said:

He said he would keep an eye out for it and that he would get back to me with plans. It’s been days with no communication.

Sorry to say, but he saw this as a casual hookup. Just focus on getting your items, but as far as dating, he's not interested.

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34 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You gave him sex on the second date. It was so easy to get you in bed. He got what he wanted and left. Easy 🤷‍♀️

Next time, don't sleep with someone before you get to know them, trust them, and you are at least exclusive.

Just think of it as a fun sexual experience, and next time don't be in a rush to share your intimate body with a stranger. Take your time, look out for red flags, check if they are actually caring and thoughtful, ect.

I would check for caring and thoughtful only if you are interested in the person as a whole and getting to know the person for a potential relationship. If at the moment -  if you are a fan of impulsive decisions cause they’re fun and or exciting or you think it’s “living in the moment “ - you feel like having sex and you are not concerned about him being too rough or having an STD- then put aside red flags or caring or thoughtful which really don’t matter for having a fun time for a night or even a few nights.  
 

Too much work or thought if the person mostly appeals to you as a sex partner and fun casual once in awhile date.  

but this requires self honesty and accountability.  You don’t get to blame “men” if you lie to yourself about what you want out of an interaction with a new person - or a longtime friend who suddenly appeals to you sexually. 

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I agree he just thought it was a hookup. If you want their true intension, then hold off on sex until exclusivity is assured. Sex is first on a man's agenda, and most will do/say anything to get it. You just have to be more cautious, it's just the way it is. BUT you did have fun and it was an enjoyable experience so you got that out of a few nights. Some don't even get that. Just carry on. 

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There is nothing wrong with having sex with people you don't know well or aren't in an exclusive relationship with, but not everyone is cut out for it.  Seems like you're not.  I understand why this would hurt your feelings, but keep in mind that you were NOT used, you participated as fully as he did with no commitment in place.

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Sex is first on a man's agenda, and most will do/say anything to get it.

In my 20 plus years of dating (1980-ish-2005) that was not true at all for me - some yes - but I met very few men who felt this way (meaning I want to have sex with that woman and i wish I could convince her) AND also acted on it in pressuring or pushy ways.  I stuck to my goals, standards and values and that was reflected in how I interacted with men, the context, and how I carried myself -even before we got to know each other.  I met many men who believed in getting to know me -and women in general - as people before having sex.  I had really good friendships and romantic relationships with many men and met a minority of men who acted in a pushy way. 

I also met women who were mostly interested in having sex right away either because it was fun and/or because those women felt that this was the way to test if the chemistry worked or if the man performed up to their standards in bed.

I treated men as individuals.  It helped me to stay mostly positive about looking for the right person.  And I also stayed true to myself as much as possible and it is what I suggest to the OP.

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I agree with the folks who suggest that it’s not really in your best interests  to paint all men with one brush. That defeats the purpose of learning how to screen out the bad matches instead of seeing them again.

This narrows your dating pool down to guys who answer reasonable questions in ways that match your own position on the matter, and they are equally free to ask you questions about things that matter to them, too.

From there we each learn whether another walks their talk. If I state up front that I consider myself commitment material, and I ask whether he views himself the same way, I’m not going to keep seeing someone who prefers dating casually or doesn’t know what he wants for himself yet.

But even one who claims to be dating to find a committed relationship might not be willing to date without sex to get to know one another in other ways. So he’ll screen himself out, I don’t need to do a thing.

If you believe that sleeping first, then asking questions later is the only way to keep a guy interested, that misses the point and targets the wrong guys.

Most people are NOT our match. If you can see that as a good thing, you won’t mind allowing anyone who doesn’t view you through the right lens to pass early. This keeps you open to find one who can see and appreciate your unique value.

This guy was not him.

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On 12/8/2022 at 5:52 PM, Redrose120 said:

We ended up sleeping together on the second date. He was very affectionate afterwords and asked me to stay the night. Vague plans were made to meet up again this weekend the morning after. I texted him on Monday saying I’m going to be in his area on Saturday if he wants to see me again, and that I think I left some jewelry at his house.

Eh, I'm definitely not an expert. But the "I left some jewellery at his house" sounds like a spiel to spent some time together again, even if you genuinely accidentally left them there. That coupled with telling him that you're going to be near the area on Saturday, might have been too much too soon.

If there's one thing I learnt is that some guys run from women who are "too eager". Yup, been guilty of that.

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7 hours ago, greendots said:

Eh, I'm definitely not an expert. But the "I left some jewellery at his house" sounds like a spiel to spent some time together again, even if you genuinely accidentally left them there. That coupled with telling him that you're going to be near the area on Saturday, might have been too much too soon.

If there's one thing I learnt is that some guys run from women who are "too eager". Yup, been guilty of that.

Yes and in the beginning impressions are fragile -the person -even if you swapped bodily fluids -doesn't know you -and if there's a whiff of overeagerness that can turn an initial spark sour.  

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