Setbacks along the way...

[Wimpy]

As some of you know, it's been 8 weeks since my ex dumped me in a cold, callous, inhuman (to quote my friends) e-mail 10 days before I was due to go visit him. He'd taken all my help, support and love for the past 2 years (a year of which we were in a relationship) whilst in my country. The minute he left and went home he changed. He said he still wanted me to visit as his "friend" - I was too gutted and cut up over what he did. I never went - lost all my money on the ticket instead.

 

In the past 8 weeks I've realised that the guy I was in love with obviously never existed. I've also realised that over the course of the relationship I gradually gave more and more of myself and personality to keep him happy. In hindsight he never asked me to do this - I don't know why I did it. I guess a TREMENDOUS lack of self-confidence and self-esteem all my life and then suddenly to be going out with such a "great" guy...I wanted to do all I could to keep him. I'm glad eventually I said (by actions not words) enough is enough and by not going declined his offer of friendship.

 

I've been doing better the past week or so. Concentrating on the positives out of this....I don't have to uproot and leave all my family and friends to move with him, don't have to leave my job/home etc. I finally can get on with my life - no longer wondering "what's going to happen". I've ordered a new car, getting some work done on the house (all things I shelved whilst I waited around for the ex to decide what he wanted ) and I thought I was doing okay. I'd even admitted to myself that although I loved him and will for a long time yet, I deserved better.

 

So last night, why did I suddenly just get so down again? As I came home at around 9pm I suddenly started thinking about Thursday nights when I was with him. We would always have a great time on a Thursday night - it was one of the nights we always saw each other. Instead here I was coming home to an empty house all on my own and the loneliness hit me

 

Foolishly I re-read his e-mail and I realised that as long as I live I'll never understand how he could treat me so badly after all I did for him. This week I had been struggling a bit too with wondering whether I'd done the right thing in deciding not to be friends but when I read his e-mail again I was like "hell yes...how could I think I'd want to be his friend"...

 

Like Hockeyboy said in something earlier this week in a post he made...I have enough friends and I don't want a friend LIKE HIM anyhow (my ex that is not Hockeyboy!!!! )

 

I just needed to express myself. I guess this is just a setback and I shouldn't be too down on myself... 8 weeks isn't much time I guess.

 

This week I also made it back to the gym for the first time in ages so I've done a LOT of things this week which is why feeling so down and hurt again last night has knocked me a little.

 

My self-esteem, worth and general belief in myself has really suffered through all of this. People keep telling me I'm a nice person, decent, honest, loyal etc. If I was such a great person why have I reached my mid-30's and am still single?

[punchy504]

healing is like a circle, every once in a while you do pass over the hurt again, but each time it should be less or you should be better able to deal with it. good luck to you, hopefully you will find someone who deserves to be with you

[GettingOverIt]

It does get better in time... I never used to believe that... I still have en emotional breakdown about my 'ex' about once a week or so, and that ended more than NINE MONTHS ago... Yeesh, I hadnt thought of that.. Man, nine months and I still fight these feelings... But, what I have noticed is that the feelings have diminished over time... All the feelings... The love, the hurt, the pain... The breakdowns come with more days between them...

 

You deserve much more than this guy gave you. You are taking steps to get your life back, and to be the woman you ARE not the one you became! There are guys who will see the things in you that your friends see. You just happened to have found one that saw those things and tried to destroy them...

[loveseeker]

It's really annoying, isn't it? You know that this little t0sser is unworthy of your feelings and time. You pick yourself up and dust yourself down and you move forward with your life, but this THING holds you back and drags you down again.

 

The more you allow it to, the more you hurt. So what is this THING?

 

It's the part of you WANTS to be attached to him, still. You know, of course, that it's ridiculous; that you could never trust him again and that he doesn't deserve you. You get frustrated at yourself for feeling lonely, missing him, loving him, because your head knows what your heart does not and you want your head to win. You NEED it to.

 

You're starting the really tricky part of the process now: the struggle with yourself becomes harder because the feelings are more surprising when they come up... they catch you off-guard. Be vigilant. Always. And remember, the person who is worthy of you will not make you feel like you're lucky to have them; you'll also know that you deserve them, without question. And never--NEVER--will there be a question about whether you are putting up with less than you deserve. In a natural and good relationship, questions of self-esteem and self-worth become irrelevant. Believe in yourself...

[hockeyboy]

well im glad that something i said stuck with somebody.

 

your mid thirties in single...so what. a lot of couple as they approach their 40's (im young so this is just what i have observed) tend to loose the "magic" they once had. because they probably got together in their 20's as time goes by, all the stories have been told, the adventures have been taken and things just settle into a routine.

 

so lets say..in a year you meet the guy who is the one for you. you won't hit that rut. you'll have so much to do and so much to look forward too.

 

we often joke about it and you see it a lot on tv shows for example...how husbands and wives just want to get away from eachother...how they need that space. well...we all do need some space...but wont it be nice to know that you and your lover probably will want to be with eachother more then the average couple....

 

just trying to be optimistic..its the way to be

[sadgirl_april]

If I was such a great person why have I reached my mid-30's and am still single?

 

Maybe it is because the fate wants to give you a nice person who you deserve. This selfish guy couldn't and shouldn't end up with you. It is meant to be this way. Once you get over him, you will meet a really nice person who will love you back.

 

When one door shuts, another door opens.

[Rainz]

Wimpy,

 

I understand how you feel, don't beat yourself up for feeling how you feel. It's ok and it's alright if you want to have a bit of a blubber as well.

 

These types of feelings ALWAYS seem to come along when we're not busy I find, it could be at the end of a long busy day, you go back home and it's just you and the furniture...I know, because I've been there.

 

Being single in your 30's is a whole different phase I think, if you're like me and there aren't may of your friends who don't have a partner or children, I know it's not easy, and being alone with your own thoughts can make you question yourself as you have. Just continue to keep yourself busy and focus on yourself, and making you a better you.

 

I'm single, your single, there's got to be 30 something singles guys out there too right ?

[Wimpy]

Thanks to all of you who replied with such sound words and just what I needed to hear.

 

I hope I can maybe return the favour some time soon.

 

Thanks again....