I can't forgive myself about my past One Night Stands

[MasterofHeartaches]

Hi! When I was 23, my childhood best friend(who turned out to be a gay) used me and pretended that he loves me. I was happy to be with him but after a month, he broke up and got to know that he used me to hide his identity to his family and friends. 

It was so devastating I had a bad depression and decided to leave my hometown for good to live in another town.

I learned online dating to my new friends and tried it out. It was empowering at first as I am heartbroken and I feel alone in a new place. I had plenty of meet-ups and sadly, one night stands. I was young that time (I am 32 now) and I forgot my feelings back then but I think I felt needed and love and affection. Those deeds I've done lasted for a year (or less). I found a boyfriend after that and he accepted me from my past. 

I changed and I told myself that I didn't want to be that person in the Past anymore. 

I broke up with my boyfriend that time because we are different individuals already. 

I have a new partner now.  He told me that he loves me for who I am and tries to forget my past but I know deep in my heart it also hurts him. 

Everyday, and now and then, my memories of my past deed haunts me every single time. I try to forgive myself from everything I have done but still I'm still working on it..It's very hard. I try to be better every day and try to love myself but it's still not working. 

How can I have self compassion when I hated my past self from doing all those messed up things? 

Thank you

[1a1a]

Your past brought you to present.

No period of self discovery, would also mean no current partner.

[sweetlady]

1 hour ago, MasterofHeartaches said:

Hi! When I was 23, my childhood best friend(who turned out to be a gay) used me and pretended that he loves me. I was happy to be with him but after a month, he broke up and got to know that he used me to hide his identity to his family and friends. 

It was so devastating I had a bad depression and decided to leave my hometown for good to live in another town.

I learned online dating to my new friends and tried it out. It was empowering at first as I am heartbroken and I feel alone in a new place. I had plenty of meet-ups and sadly, one night stands. I was young that time (I am 32 now) and I forgot my feelings back then but I think I felt needed and love and affection. Those deeds I've done lasted for a year (or less). I found a boyfriend after that and he accepted me from my past. 

I changed and I told myself that I didn't want to be that person in the Past anymore. 

I broke up with my boyfriend that time because we are different individuals already. 

I have a new partner now.  He told me that he loves me for who I am and tries to forget my past but I know deep in my heart it also hurts him. 

Everyday, and now and then, my memories of my past deed haunts me every single time. I try to forgive myself from everything I have done but still I'm still working on it..It's very hard. I try to be better every day and try to love myself but it's still not working. 

How can I have self compassion when I hated my past self from doing all those messed up things? 

Thank you

Don't beat yourself up for your past.

I done the same but remember what you done is done. The past teaches you lessons. Just move on from it.

 

[Lambert]

So how does beating yourself up now, years later, change anything?

If you feel bad forever will that change anything?

You obviously hurt yourself deeply with these acts.  Can you talk to yourself now as a much different woman and have compassion for the younger you? That woman was hurting, too.

maybe try thinking of your past as if it were someone else. What would you tell them? 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, MasterofHeartaches said:

He told me that he loves me for who I am and tries to forget my past but I know deep in my heart it also hurts him. 

Why are you discussing your past sex life with him?

It really is not his business, beyond making sure you are free of STIs and are sexually exclusive now. There is no reason to feel guilty about enjoying some casual sex when you were single, OP. It seems you have unresolved issues inside you surrounding sex and shame. 

What is wrong with what you did, exactly? Is your boyfriend making you feel guilty? 

[Seraphim]

1. You don’t need to discuss your past with anyone. 
2. The past can’t change you can only write your future. 
 

Why not discuss this with a Counsellor if you can’t get past it ?

[DarkCh0c0]

I don't see anything that needs forgiveness here. You've had a time period where you slept around to fill a void and that's okay. It happens to many people. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Add to that, your past belongs to your past and in my opinion you don't need to tell anyone about it. You don't owe it to anyone.

If you feel the pressure is a lot, I also suggest unpacking this with a therapist. I'm sorry you feel this way 💚 You are worthy regardless of what happened in the past.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, MasterofHeartaches said:

 I hated my past self from doing all those messed up things.

Sorry this is happening. As you know, excessive ruminating and guilt are often symptoms of untreated anxiety and depression.

The best place to start is to finally address this and get help.

Keep in mind that depressed people self-medicate with all sorts of substances and behaviors including sexual "addictions".

The other issue is low self worth leading to TMI to try to reassure yourself that you'll be liked.

That as well is a lack of boundaries and a desperate attempt to feel better.

Until you see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support, you're going to be stuck in this self-defeating loop of bad feelings.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Until you see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support, you're going to be stuck in this self-defeating loop of bad feelings.

I agree with @Wiseman2up to here. I think it's the perfect suggestion to get evaluated and to work with a therapist who is trained to help people grow from their past rather than torture themselves needlessly over it. But I disagree with imposing a sentence of suffering unless you do what I say.

Most people grow from taking some turns down roads they don't like. That's how we all learn how to self correct. If we always behaved perfectly, there are no challenges and no need to develop the most important life skill of all--resilience.

I also agree with the folks who say that seeking love through confessions of our past is not only unnecessary but harmful because it places a burden on a partner to heal us even while we refuse to love, accept and heal ourselves. That's an impossible place to position a lover, and it creates a strain on the relationship.

We are each responsible for how we choose to frame things. When we treat past behaviors as sins rather than learning devices, we impose our own suffering, and for no good purpose.

By framing our past in this way and then imposing that view of it on a lover, we create a double whammy, where even when we can heal ourselves, now we still carry the burden of poisoning our partner's perceptions in a way that feels like a barrier to our shared happiness.

So I'd work backwards from partner. I'd ask whether he'd be supportive of me healing my views of my past. If he says no because he's stuck there, then he wouldn't be the right partner for me.

Chances are, he wants you to heal because he's worn down by your self imposed trap and doesn't view you with a fraction of the harshness you're imposing on yourself.

I've found it helpful to ask myself, "How much do I WANT this to matter to me?"

I follow with, "How much MUST this matter to me?"

When those 2 answers can align because there are no legal oppositions or other external penalties to letting something go, I'm all in for dropping the thing into history where it belongs. Then I'll proudly accept my lesson completed as the stepping stone it has become to the future I desire.

Give it a shot, and reach for professional help if you need it.

[lostandhurt]

Stop unburdening yourself onto your partner.  That is not fair.

 We all have regrets and many times if we get the chance we can apologize to the person we wronged and should if possible to make emends.

 In this case the only person you feel you hurt was yourself.  Is there anything to forgive?  Who hasn't done something in their youth that looking back we cringe a little when we think about it?  This was part of you dealing with your pain from the betrayal of your friend.  Was it the best way? Probably not but you didn't use people like he did you simply wanted to feel wanted.  Nothing wrong with that.

I agree seeing a therapist is a great idea not only for this but to help you cope with stressful and hurtful situations.  When you were young you left town to get away from the pain and it seems you continue to try and hide from it.  Learning to face the pain head on and work though it will help stop it from haunting you so many years later.

 Lost

[boltnrun]

I did some pretty terrible things in the past. I'm not proud of those actions, but I do know that I will never do them again. And I don't think how I behaved back then makes me unworthy of love today. Because of that, I won't burden a loved one with those details. Why would I want to hurt someone I love?

Try to frame it that way. You are a different person now. And there's no reason to hurt your partner by telling them stories of your behavior from years ago.

[tattoobunnie]

14 hours ago, MasterofHeartaches said:

He told me that he loves me for who I am and tries to forget my past but I know deep in my heart it also hurts him. 

How does you having a sex life before you dated each other, hurt him?  Because he can't claim you're a potential blushing bride?  What is this time portal? The 1950's?  Were you suppose to be a practicing nun before him?  A REAL MAN wouldn't hold your past sexual experience over your head like this.  You have done nothing wrong.  If I were you, I'd drop this bozo.  A person who really deserves you is someone who loves you warts and all, and thinks you are the best.

[erase this face]

If you continue to live in the past you won't be living at all.  You're a different person now.    You've changed for the better so remind yourself of that.

[Tinydance]

I guess my question to you is do YOU feel guilty about your past one night stands? Or do you feel bad about it because your partner said something? Or because you're worried you'd be judged by other people/society? 

Personally I don't think that having one night stands is good or bad in and of itself. As long as you don't treat people badly and you practice safe sex. There are people who judge people who have one night stands but there are also people who don't care (I don't). Amongst my group of friends, people are pretty open - minded and most have had one night stands or casual hookups. If people don't want to do hook ups, that's totally up to them. If they do, also up to them. I see it as just a personal choice.

You were fairly young when you had those one night stands, in your early 20's. I think it's common for young people to do hook ups. Now you're in your 30's and you've had serious relationships since then. It's not like you're still doing one night stands now. 

My suggestion would be not to tell your partner about your sexual past. It was a very long time ago and it doesn't have any relation to your life now really. Unless you had an incurable STD or something that you need to tell partners about.

[Capricorn3]

For future reference, there is no need to tell your partner about your past sex life. Ever.

What's done is done and there's no point in wasting so much time and energy on something which you cannot change.  Live your life to the fullest in the here and now rather than wasting it on turning yourself into a pretzel about what happened in the past.  It's done. It's over. Long gone. Let it go. Look ahead and focus on living a good life.