I've messed up the best relationship I've ever been in. Losing hope of ever being able to have a healthy relationship

[Looktothesky]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Instead of googling concepts like abuse and emotional abuse for what purpose -to beat yourself up with reference to terms like abuse? - how about instead act in ways that show yourself and others that you have good and kind and thoughtful intentions -whether it's a small thing like noticing someone carrying a bulky package and walking over to the door to open it for them or being supportive of a friend whose dog is sick and may need to be put to sleep (I am in that situation now -trying to support a friend going through this, so hard).  

No I don't think silent treatment is emotional abuse in all cases -depends on context and extent and a lot of stuff like that.  I do know for sure that terms like abuse and toxic are thrown around far too much IMO especially on social media.  And I know for sure that you seem to be almost indulging in beating yourself up - that's not going to help anyone least of all you.

Thanks, I think you are right. It’s not constructive. It’s easy for me to read something like that and begin to spiral thinking ‘oh god that’s me’. As a teen I had a period I was worried I was schizophrenic, and another where I was worried I’d become a school shooter because I’d hear the lines they always say - he was quiet, kept to himself - and again think ‘oh god that’s me’.

I did go to my mom’s house today and made it a point to just be present and talk with her about what’s going on in her life. It did indeed feel really good. Partly because I wasn’t wallowing, partly because I know how much it means to her.

[catfeeder]

Glad to hear you spent time with your Mom. I will say that the most healing and normalizing periods of my life have been spent in a focus on family, friends and neighbors with a goal of making it about them-not-me.

In other words, I heal best when I can get out of my own way.

You are not a villain, so no need to treat yourself like one. Just move your focus onto others to prevent yourself from digging a deeper hole to climb out of.

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/7/2022 at 8:09 AM, Looktothesky said:

No I have not had my physical health evaluated in quite some time or had any tests done. What exactly would I need to ask for? Would this just be a standard physical check up?

You made an appointment and that's great. All you need to do is be honest about your symptoms and depending on your age and basic testing, they will guide you to a way to feel better and get whatever help and treatments are available to you. Mental health is not a DIY situation. While online quizzes may be fun, they're not a substitute for appropriate mental and physical healthcare. 

[Looktothesky]

I had my therapy appointment today and more scheduled through the end of the year.

One thing I was told was to take time every day and think about the ways I communicated that day, whether or not they were effective, and how I plan to communicate the next day. Also to try and identify the situations that prevent me from communicating effectively.

Maybe I need to be more patient and just keep sticking with it. I’m just hoping to dig a little deeper and figure out why it’s so hard in the first place. This is only my third time seeing this person. I’m trying to keep an open mind, but I do miss my old therapist who I felt really understood where I was coming from.

[boltnrun]

That's good advice.

I think about what I'm about to say and ask myself if it's true, necessary and kind. If one of those things is missing, do I really need to say it?

Another thing (and I've struggled with this) is I tend to stay quiet when a kind or encouraging word might help someone else tremendously. I didn't get praise when I was a child. I was told by my mother that praise would make me "stuck up" or full of myself, or that I would think I didn't need to put in any effort anymore. I've taken on a LOT of what my mother told me. Well, she was wrong about that.  A kind and encouraging word can make the difference between someone having an awful day or a good one. So if you have the opportunity to do so, give someone your attention and a kind word. Even if you have to drag it out of yourself lol.

And finally, it's OK to have bad days and to tell a friend or loved one "Today's been kind of rough. I feel like I need some alone time. Can I catch up with you later?" It's even OK to tell them "I felt hurt by what you said/did/didn't do. I'm pretty sure you didn't have bad intentions, but it did bother me." Instead of crawling into your shell and giving someone the silent treatment. I promise the world will not implode if you're honest about your feelings. Just remember tip #1 above.

I'm glad you plan to continue with therapy. If that therapist isn't right for you after a few more sessions it's also OK to switch. 

[Looktothesky]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

That's good advice.

I think about what I'm about to say and ask myself if it's true, necessary and kind. If one of those things is missing, do I really need to say it?

Another thing (and I've struggled with this) is I tend to stay quiet when a kind or encouraging word might help someone else tremendously. I didn't get praise when I was a child. I was told by my mother that praise would make me "stuck up" or full of myself, or that I would think I didn't need to put in any effort anymore. I've taken on a LOT of what my mother told me. Well, she was wrong about that.  A kind and encouraging word can make the difference between someone having an awful day or a good one. So if you have the opportunity to do so, give someone your attention and a kind word. Even if you have to drag it out of yourself lol.

And finally, it's OK to have bad days and to tell a friend or loved one "Today's been kind of rough. I feel like I need some alone time. Can I catch up with you later?" It's even OK to tell them "I felt hurt by what you said/did/didn't do. I'm pretty sure you didn't have bad intentions, but it did bother me." Instead of crawling into your shell and giving someone the silent treatment. I promise the world will not implode if you're honest about your feelings. Just remember tip #1 above.

I'm glad you plan to continue with therapy. If that therapist isn't right for you after a few more sessions it's also OK to switch. 

Thank you. I guess it’s something that’s hard to practice because I don’t have many people in my life.

[boltnrun]

37 minutes ago, Looktothesky said:

Thank you. I guess it’s something that’s hard to practice because I don’t have many people in my life.

OK, another assignment (well, two).  Next time you have a thought like this one, ask yourself "is this a legit reason that's preventing me from doing this, or is it an excuse I'm making up to avoid something that makes me feel uncomfortable?"  Also, next time you think something is "hard" ask yourself if that means it's impossible.  Things that are worthwhile are hard.  I gave birth with no anesthesia.  Think that wasn't "hard"?  But totally worth it.

Work on eliminating those knee jerk defense mechanisms you've created over the years.  It'll be worth it, I promise.