Hypersexual activity

[ALotOfQuestions]

Hello everyone,

Tis has kinda come out of left field so was hoping someone could give me a little advice.

I've been with my partner for about 2 years now, everything is going great. A short while ago we were talking about past relationships. How they ended etc.

She mentioned she went through what she called hypersexual activity. Where she slept with people really fast, maybe after 2 dates. The guy then, 9 times out of 10 just walked away soon after that. 

She mentioned that she had had a bad time with a previous bf and as a result was trying to get, validation from other guys. Is that a common thing? It's just kinda got me thinking. 

With us having been together for 2 years I don't think I have anything to worry about but I was just wondering if anyone had any insight into that type of behaviour 

[Batya33]

She is calling it some fancy term -I simply know it as sleeping around.  She is sharing with you that in the past for a period of time she slept around.  She shared some theories as to why she chose to do this.  There are people who choose to have intercourse with people they don't know well or really at all.  For all sorts of reasons -people move towards pleasure and away from pain, typically.  So for her it was more pleasing than painful (meaning the risks/potential downsides of multiple partners and casual sex) to sleep around at that time of her life.

I don't think there is anything to worry about if you trust her.  I don't think it has any relevance to whether she chooses to be faithful to you.  The only relevance is if her past behavior concerns you because of how you personally feel about sexual promiscuity.  The only concern also would be -which could be true of any relationship-if she tells you she would like to have sex with other people and have multiple partners again.  But even if she hadn't acted that way in the past, she might decide she would like that.  You two have promised to be sexually monogamous it seems so if you trust her that is all that matters.

[boltnrun]

I know people who do that and they're proud of it.  They love "hook up" culture and consider sex a recreational activity. 

I went through a period of time when I was having sex with two men (not together as a threesome lol). They didn't expect me to be faithful and I wasn't in a committed relationship with either of them. But when I am in a love relationship I choose to be completely faithful and monogamous.

BTW, having sex with men and having them disappear afterwards is the opposite of validation IMO. She was probably confused and in pain. I'm glad she got through that time and hopefully is doing better now. 

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, ALotOfQuestions said:

She mentioned she went through what she called hypersexual activity. Where she slept with people really fast, maybe after 2 dates. The guy then, 9 times out of 10 just walked away soon after that. 

 

"Hoe phase". She got through "hoe phase" in modern terms.

In modern dating world yes, sadly that is a thing for a lot of people. Seeking validation through sleeping with random people that they dont care too much about.

[Lambert]

what would there be to worry about?  Serious question

 

[lostandhurt]

You are thinking her past will come back and she will become hyper again?  I doubt it.

I do know of a few women that felt all they had to offer was their bodies and sex so to keep any guy interested they would move quickly to the physical part.

The old saying goes "To get over someone get under someone else"  Sounds like that is what she did several times.

 Is she the same person she was back then?  Do you fear she will cheat on you?  Has she done something to cause you to feel insecure about her faithfulness?

 Lost

[ALotOfQuestions]

Thanks all. She's certainly not like it now from what I can tell. It's been 2 years since we got together and I've had no reason at all to think anything has happened. 

These guys she slept with weren't people she cheated with, these were ones she dated, slept with and then after they slept with her they tended to ghost her or just call it off. She said that because she felt lied to etc during her long term relationship that she would sometimes think sleeping with a man would give him what he wants and then make him want her more.

I did a little research and apparently any type of trauma can lead to heightened sexual activity among people that may have a, shall we say, low strength mental health. In her case the trauma being the long term relationship.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, ALotOfQuestions said:

Where she slept with people really fast, maybe after 2 dates. The guy then, 9 times out of 10 just walked away soon after that. 

 How old is she? How long ago did she go through this phase?

This is not "hypersexual" , this is hookups and ghosting that happens all the time.

It's unclear why she confided this, but it seems she's a bit insecure and was hoping you wouldn't be like this.

[ALotOfQuestions]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How old is she? How long ago did she go through this phase?

This is not "hypersexual" , this is hookups and ghosting that happens all the time.

It's unclear why she confided this, but it seems she's a bit insecure and was hoping you wouldn't be like this.

She's 32 and it was, I think around 6 years ago.

Well, her intention wasn't hookups, she wanted a relationship but the guys did not. So she kept seeking it out

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, ALotOfQuestions said:

She's 32 and it was, I think around 6 years ago.

 but the guys did not. So she kept seeking it out

Ok so she went through a few unfortunate pump-and-dump situations for a time.

That is not unusual nor hypersexual. There's nothing to be worried about here except she used poor terminology to describe this situation and seems to be making a big deal out of nothing.

If you two are happy and in a committed relationship, she should be able to confide in you that "a while back I went through a phase of meeting the wrong guys" without anyone getting upset about it.

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, ALotOfQuestions said:

Thanks all. She's certainly not like it now from what I can tell. It's been 2 years since we got together and I've had no reason at all to think anything has happened. 

These guys she slept with weren't people she cheated with, these were ones she dated, slept with and then after they slept with her they tended to ghost her or just call it off. She said that because she felt lied to etc during her long term relationship that she would sometimes think sleeping with a man would give him what he wants and then make him want her more.

I did a little research and apparently any type of trauma can lead to heightened sexual activity among people that may have a, shall we say, low strength mental health. In her case the trauma being the long term relationship.

I don't think there is any point to doing any research.  You're not a professional and of course any type of trauma can trigger an overreaction in a lot of ways -some people stop eating, eat a lot, have a lot of sex, drink a lot, take drugs -other people who experience trauma choose instead to get help, do something productive to heal like exercise, rest, eat well, speak with loved ones, go to a place of worship and speak with a religious figure, etc.  It's a hugely broad range.  She told you she self-diagnosed her reasons for sleeping around.  But what does it matter now? 

Are you worried if she experiences trauma she'll sleep around again? I mean I think anything is possible -sky could fall in -and all relationships require risk.  Yes if she was diagnosed as a sex addict by a professional, told you this and said she wasn't any better and still felt addicted to sleeping around or having multiple partners, I'd worry now in the present. 

All she told you was she slept around for a period of time in the past when she was single, and gave an excuse about trauma.  She might be trying to find an excuse other than "I slept around cause it was fun and I felt like it at that time."  She might be lying to herself, or it might be entirely true that that was the choice she made in reaction to trauma -having sex with strangers/near strangers soothed her. The only person she potentially hurt was herself - some STDs affect fertility, etc and other physical conditions but it sounds like she is healthy.  

[sugarthewitch]

It all happened in her past. She is sharing with you because she considers you as the most important and trusted person in her life.
The main reason she is sharing this to you is she wants to get more loved and little more attention from you ( Girls do this when they wanna get extra love and care from their partners. Saying indirect termss like for e.g " see these boys do this to me so i hope you will not " )
So, just happily accept her past. Even if she tells u or tells u not the relationship and conditions has to stay the same. And treat her like a queen for now.

all the best in your relationship ❤️

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, sugarthewitch said:

It all happened in her past. She is sharing with you because she considers you as the most important and trusted person in her life.
The main reason she is sharing this to you is she wants to get more loved and little more attention from you ( Girls do this when they wanna get extra love and care from their partners. Saying indirect termss like for e.g " see these boys do this to me so i hope you will not " )
So, just happily accept her past. Even if she tells u or tells u not the relationship and conditions has to stay the same. And treat her like a queen for now.

all the best in your relationship ❤️

I would not make these assumptions when someone shares that they had multiple sex partners in the past.  I would ask the person specifically "why did you share this with me?" Some people share to brag, some to share that they are different now and no longer into having sex with multiple partners, some to push the other person away ("see -I'm not the person you thought I was"), some because they feel insecure and some people are chatty and overshare and love to share TMI.  Some share for the reasons you wrote above.  But people are individuals with individual motivations.  If a person is close to another person that person should ask-if curious "why did you tell me this?"  

I would not force myself to happily accept someone's past.  It would depend on what it was, why the person told me, and if I stayed with the person acceptance would be essential even if neutral not "happy".  If it felt happy, then cool.  

[sugarthewitch]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would ask the person specifically "why did you share this with me?"

Actually, why would you overthink and suffer? I just don't get it.

instead of thinking like this, life is too short to suffer. We can enjoy and love for current moments to the fullest. Things will happen and if fate does not meet each other, you will walk away. Something amazing will happen if you just trust your partner and live your moments to the fullest...

She loves you and she shares her internal things about you. Dont overthink..

[kreed]

On 12/5/2022 at 7:25 AM, ALotOfQuestions said:

Hello everyone,

Tis has kinda come out of left field so was hoping someone could give me a little advice.

I've been with my partner for about 2 years now, everything is going great. A short while ago we were talking about past relationships. How they ended etc.

She mentioned she went through what she called hypersexual activity. Where she slept with people really fast, maybe after 2 dates. The guy then, 9 times out of 10 just walked away soon after that. 

She mentioned that she had had a bad time with a previous bf and as a result was trying to get, validation from other guys. Is that a common thing? It's just kinda got me thinking. 

With us having been together for 2 years I don't think I have anything to worry about but I was just wondering if anyone had any insight into that type of behaviour 

I feel your pain. I am trying to reconcile that I just saw where my wife told an entire community of Reddit followers that she has slept with over 30 men in her life. She told me the number was under 10. I stumbled across this after being married for 6 years. I don't even think I can look at here the same.

[lostandhurt]

As humans we like to label things that scare us.  It makes us feel more in control over something we have little to no control over like in this case.  This happened before you met her so you have zero involvement in it other than to deal with this knowledge here and now.

 These were her choices there is no getting around that simple fact and blaming them on a syndrome or self diagnosis might make you feel better but in the end she is the one that chose to have sex with that many men in a fairly short amount of time.

 You sound like you love her and want to be with her so stop ruminating over this and focus on the woman in front of you today, not the person she was or the actions she did years ago.

  If you feel like you cannot let this go and will hold this over her in how you view her then it is time to end the relationship so you both can be with someone that accepts them for who they are now and all their choices that brought them here today. 

Lost 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, sugarthewitch said:

Actually, why would you overthink and suffer? I just don't get it.

instead of thinking like this, life is too short to suffer. We can enjoy and love for current moments to the fullest. Things will happen and if fate does not meet each other, you will walk away. Something amazing will happen if you just trust your partner and live your moments to the fullest...

She loves you and she shares her internal things about you. Dont overthink..

I'm a fan of asking rather than assuming.  No need to suffer.

[ALotOfQuestions]

Thanks everyone, I know I let these things manifest a little and I shouldn't!

[MissCanuck]

I don't think there's an issue here. 

She had sex with guys she was dating. Many do this, both women and men. It doesn't mean they are "hypersexual" or have some other sort of psychological condition. It doesn't bear researching, from my point of view. It's not unusual when someone is single or trying to get over a past break-up. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Everything that we have done in our past contributes to the person we are today. If you love her today, and she hasn’t committed any crimes that could disrupt your future together, then reconcile any stuff you’d project onto her and be grateful for meeting her and having her in your life.