Jump to content

Expectations, second date


oldworld
 Share

Recommended Posts

48 minutes ago, oldworld said:

... I'm asking in general, do people feel you know all you need to know by the second date? Or if you enjoy each other's company and have fun together, do people agree you can put expectations aside and just enjoy spending time together?

I'm so sorry you're disappointed. That sucks.

I tend to work certain questions into my initial discussion, up front, even before accepting a first date. That's to learn whether we'd both be dating for the same reasons.

If I've earned anything in my lifetime, it's clarity about why I date, and that's not to demote potential romantic interests into friends--OR, to 'hang in there' to play friendzies with anyone who doesn't view me as potential long-term relationship material for himself.

I don't do all the rejecting here, I've eaten from that plate myself. I've found it helpful to reframe the idea of rejection as being less personal than I once believed.

Rejection speaks of the limits of the person doing the rejection. It comes from someone who doesn't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value in the way that you deserve to be appreciated. 

That's most people!

When you can see the goal of finding your RIGHT match as a needle-in-a-haystack deal, you won't view wrong matches as implying anything 'wrong' with you.

True simpatico requires just ONE person who can view you through the right lens.

say, hold out for that person. Don't try to 'win' anyone who doesn't own the vision to 'get you'.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, oldworld said:

It's interesting that you don't understand how you can enjoy someone's company if there's no potential for a spark. If expectations are set aside, it's just having fun. Maybe it'll become an actual friendship- not a "friendzone" or whatever else. If there's honest communication, then no one is leading anyone on.  It's like approaching it from the other way around- when you become friends with someone, you don't think about whether there's a potential spark. If that happens later on, when circumstances change, so be it. But it's not the reason for the friendship.

Because especially when I was in my 30s I already had enough friends.  I liked making new friends -men and women.  I didn't want to make new friends through dating sites, singles events or anything else date-related (although I did end up doing so). But when it came to looking to date, I didn't have time to go on dates with male friends.  To waste precious date nights on male friends.  Also typically one person does have a spark and then it's unfair.  Also most men paid for or offered to pay for me especially in the beginning and  that's also unfair to accept that offer from a "friend".   Also then there's pressure to see if there's a spark because it's one sided

I don't think the spark has to be there from the first moment and people often are nervous the first meet or first few dates so if I was on the fence I gave it some time.  I knew a really happily married couple where she told me she really wasn't sure either way till date 4 -they'd met at work.  Also sometimes an instant spark instantly crashes.

I think whenever someone says there is no spark it's unproductive to wonder if generally that person is being too hasty.  People are individuals.  I had a woman friend who had to have sex right away to test drive the "chemistry" part.  My own mother who barely dated before she met my father at age 16 told me that if a man didn't try to kiss me by the 4th date to move on LOL.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

42 minutes ago, oldworld said:

I think it's better to be in the first situation- just enjoying the moment without worrying about what may come of it.

I would have to presume she wasn't in this mode. She was likely dating with the goal of finding a romantic partner. And judging by your reaction to her decision to stop dating you, you also were hoping for romance. And that's why it makes sense that she chose to stop seeing you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're not old fashioned.  Accept that everyone is different and there's nothing old fashioned about that whatsoever.  Ignore stats because each person and each communication style is unique. 

She actually did you a favor by being forthright from the beginning and very clear.  She is offering friendship and nothing else.  Take it or leave it.  If you choose friendship,  split the bill going forward just as you would with a friend.  If you want more than friendship, then tell her and tell her friendship falls short of what you wanted.  Then tell her it's time to go your separate ways permanently so no one wastes their time,  effort,   energy and resources on each other.  Wish her all the best and part ways respectfully, very politely and peacefully.  No need to argue. 

Yes, her offer of friendship is a boundary.  You are free to accept or reject her friendship offer.  It's your choice. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, oldworld said:

I'm asking in general, do people feel you know all you need to know by the second date? Or if you enjoy each other's company and have fun together, do people agree you can put expectations aside and just enjoy spending time together?

Whether or not a person can accurately decide in 1 or 2 dates that the other person isn't for them and can make an informed, correct decision isn't the point. The point is that some people DO decide within 1 or 2 dates that the other person isn't for them. It's possible that if those same two people were marooned on a desert island for 10 years they'd fall madly in love with each other-thus proving their first decision to be wrong. But it's IRRELEVANT because the person HAS made their choice within 1 or 2 dates, it's game over, regardless of what "could have been" had they given it more time.

Most people are on dating sites to meet a relationship partner - not to make friends. She said "I hope we can remain friends" but I'm fairly certain that she was just trying to dull the pain of rejection. Unless she's the type to accumulate lots of platonic guy friends and while that's possible I doubt she'd want some guy she dated hanging around taking up her time while she goes around dating and ultimately finding her next relationship partner. And I doubt you'd want to stick around while she did (hoping the entire time she'd realize she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life by telling you she's not interested in you as a partner).

I've been on dozens of first dates over 40 years. Some I knew immediately would never be for me, I wouldn't be attracted to her nor want to be with her if we were the last two people on the planet. There were a few who I was so into (and she felt the same), that we became exclusive after only the second date. A few lasted several months, a others went several years, and my most recent lasted 10 years (we lived together for 7). Here I am, 5 months in to a new one, we were exclusive after spending a first weekend together.

Then there those who I just "wasn't sure" about. They were sweet, attractive, good conversation, but I wasn't really feeling it. Whatever "it" actually is. They were into me, but I simply chose not to take it any further after a few dates. Could those have really become something special if I had stayed with it longer? Given my feelings more time to develop? Who knows? But again, I made the decision not to pursue those women and I wasn't looking to make opposite sex friends- it simply doesn't work for me, especially since I was actively dating. Some people probably make  friends this way but that's not really what you're looking for anyway.

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went through a phase where I made a decision to spend more time with people with whom I felt no initial "spark" at all.  It was a total bust.  Whatever it takes for me to want a romantic relationship with a person, it's something that I can feel and recognize very early on.  If I'm feeling it, that does not necessarily indicate that a longterm relationship will ensue.  If I'm NOT feeling it, though, for sure a longterm relationship will NOT ensue.

This is certainly an individual thing.  My own sister ended up marrying a man she worked with for whom she had zero romantic interest for over a decade.  They are a great couple.  But for me - nope.  

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...