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New relationship, how do i get more comfortable?


lwatson1677
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I just started dating this guy, and its honestly my first real relationship. But its not his first, hes been in a long serious relationship and my longest has never been more than a month, tops. I say real relationship because im taking it serious and in my previous ones i wasn't the best i was a bit younger and i kind of took it as a joke, im still young now but i actually like this guy, its just hes good at this and im not. We havent kissed yet because im too scared to screw it up ive dodged him twice already, this only started a week ago, but im scared hes gonna leave me because im not experienced enough and i feel like im bad at it. Im dreading having to even hook up with him because like i said he knows what hes doing and i dont. Im weird around him and i want to just be more comfortable, but idk how.

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Just for some context, how long have you been dating him? How old are you both?

You need to take things at your pace and step by step. Your comfort and self-respect should be your priority. Take things one full step at a time. Everyone is new at something at some point, so it's okay to be anxious.

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Hes pointed out i struggle with eye contact, he always says i dont actually like him or im faking it, or im embarrassed of him etc. I try to reassure him hes overthinking but i can tell he doesnt believe me. If we get in an argument he always says "its always me right" which then makes me think its my fault and its me. Its getting better i guess.. but im still not at the point i wanna be. 

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10 minutes ago, lwatson1677 said:

Hes pointed out i struggle with eye contact, he always says i dont actually like him or im faking it, or im embarrassed of him etc. I try to reassure him hes overthinking but i can tell he doesnt believe me. If we get in an argument he always says "its always me right" which then makes me think its my fault and its me. Its getting better i guess.. but im still not at the point i wanna be. 

None of this is good and you are not screwing anything up. He's being a total jerk with him being passive/aggressive/manipulating/ to make you feel guilty/bad. That's not right at all, and you should never feel bad about how you feel ever. If you don't feel comfortable, that's because he is not treating you with respect. He's being a little pushy and that's not fair. Don't ever think you have to impress him in some way, or appease him when he starts making bad comments. You stand up for yourself and tell him to kool it. If he walks, no loss on your part, you just dodged a bullet.

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Honey, he's a jerk. There's nothing to work on here. The only work to do is to throw him in the trash and move on. Do you have any idea how inappropriate, invalidating and disrespectful is his talk to you?

Don't ever let anyone ever talk to you or criticize you like that. In a relationship, your partner is supposed to love you for who you are and not for some alternate version he has of you.

6 hours ago, lwatson1677 said:

i put his feelings first

It doesn't work like this. This is never healthy.

YOU always come first. Your feelings are your #1 priority and they matter. Trust how you feel about him and this whole relationship. If you're feeling low/inadequate/conflicted, it's time to leave. He doesn't need to agree with you leaving as it takes one person for a relationship to end. You will find a guy who will love you for you 💚. You can take the current bf (or ex) as a lesson and one of the many lessons you'll have in relationships.

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11 hours ago, lwatson1677 said:

A little over a week now, and we are both 16. hes commented on things i do wrong. 

It's ok to have a crush. Don't rush into anything you're not ready for.

If he's criticising you, stop talking to him. That's why you're uncomfortable. Never get pressured into sex by guys who talk down to you. Some will try that.

Talk to a trusted adult about boys, dating and sex.

Before you start getting sexual, you'll need to see a physician for a check-up and discussion about contraception and STD prevention.

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6 hours ago, Andrina said:

Don't date until you can do so with a more casual mindset, such as, "I'm going to enjoy this guy's company, doing fun things, as long as things stay good."

Yep. "Good' in this instance means that you can relax and enjoy your date AS YOURSELF rather than trying to play a role of whatever you believe the guy wants.

You are able to have a good time, because you have nothing to lose--your date is also relaxed and being himself, and at the end of it all one of 3 things might happen: 1) you both really like one another and date again, OR, 2) one of you doesn't own the capacity to view the other through the right lens, so no further dating is offered or accepted, OR, 3) given a campus where you will both share social situations going forward, you both agree that you make excellent friends and will enjoy sharing fun whenever your paths cross.

Where you DO have something to lose is when your date insults you or otherwise implies that he might like you better "if only"... fill in the blank.

That's sick dating, and any girl worth her own self esteem might appear gracious until she safely gets home--then she would never date him again.

Quote

Because when you're dating from a place of fear, it's self-sabotaging and you'll be clinging even if the relationship is toxic.

This is where you're so over-invested in a guy that he can mistreat you and you'll still stick around for that. 

It's toxic, and in your case, it's what's happening. It's like the big blazing neon red flag that says, you're acting out some kind of trauma bond (look it up) and you're willing to accept a doormat position just to be around some warped guy.

Not a good scenario, and there won't be a good outcome. I'd tell such a guy that I think we can share great times whenever our paths cross, but I don't think we are a good match for one another romantically.

Unfortunately, no matter how kind you try to be, when a guy is a JERK, he's likely to insult you for the rejection. Doesn't matter--just let him have his 'win' on the way out, and treat him as kindly as you would a stranger whenever you cross paths on campus.

Head high, you can get out of this. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

 

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2 minutes ago, lwatson1677 said:

Exactly, its because hes in bad moods sometimes and wont tell me why, and i ask him if hes okay but he wont tell me why and so he turns it around on me and says im acting weird or says im always complaining. Then other days hes perfectly fine and all over me.

He's allowed to be in a bad mood.  He's not allowed to react to being in a bad mood by being rude or disrespectful to you.  I'd exit this relationship and stop interacting with him now before it gets even worse.

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29 minutes ago, lwatson1677 said:

Exactly, its because hes in bad moods sometimes and wont tell me why, and i ask him if hes okay but he wont tell me why and so he turns it around on me and says im acting weird or says im always complaining. Then other days hes perfectly fine and all over me.

Why bother staying with someone who not only brings you down, but gaslights you on the way there?

And this has happened multiple times in a WEEK?

Not typical, and not good.

Why not just leave him to his lousy moods and go find someone who is happy to be with you?

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1 hour ago, lwatson1677 said:

I've been thinking of that but then things get better and i want to stay with him, its just on and off constantly

lwatson, i am in my late fifties and if i could help one person in the world it would be either my daughter or someone else's (fingers crossed, haha)

when i was 16 i had a super jealous controlling boyfriend that made my life a living hell. he constantly criticized, surveilled, and always had something to say about MY goals, my education, my upbringing, etc... in other words, not his domain.

yes, i was raised by wolves but when i evaluated his reasoning for bringing up these issues it certainly wasn't for my betterment.  so after that i looked only at the person's reasons for bubbling up an issue:  did they have a stake in the matter?

since then, i have adjusted my evaluations to include what is their stake in the matter - or in other words, what impact does *my* behavior have on them and why would they care about it

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2 hours ago, lwatson1677 said:

I've been thinking of that but then things get better and i want to stay with him, its just on and off constantly. I do want it to work out, so i just keep hoping it'll blow over and were just not used to each other yet but i'm not sure.

OP, it is best you learn this very very quickly before you invest anymore time in this jerk. Note, it will never blow over. Ever. This is who he is. He's showing you who he really is (and it's not very nice at all).  What you see, is what you get.  If you think he'll change over time you are sorely mistaken.  In fact the total opposite will happen and things will only get worse for you.  By staying with him, you are showing him that you accept his lousy behaviour.  You accept his manipulative ways.

Don't ever get pressured into doing things you don't want to do. Ever.  All you get from that is serious hurt and heartache.  You need to stand up for yourself and learn to say "no".  Better still, show him you have some self-respect by walking away from jerks.

If however you choose to stay with him and continue to allow him to manipulate you and make you feel uncomfortable, that's on YOU. You can blame no-one but yourself for your choices.

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You came on here asking the wrong question, because you are young without much dating experience. A dozen of us who have been there, done that, or at least observed others making this mistake, have given the advice to ditch the dud. 

When you have overwhelmingly similar advice from numerous impartial parties, best to take note of that, and act on it, for your own good.

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3 hours ago, lwatson1677 said:

... I do want it to work out, so i just keep hoping it'll blow over ...

Blow over? The time between his nastiness is just a pause to manipulate you. 

People newly dating are on their BEST behavior. This guy can't even fake it for one weeK. What should that tell you?

Are you waiting for this guy to haul off and belt you before you grasp how dangerous he is?

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On 11/25/2022 at 3:12 PM, lwatson1677 said:

I just started dating this guy, and its honestly my first real relationship. But its not his first, hes been in a long serious relationship and my longest has never been more than a month, tops. I say real relationship because im taking it serious and in my previous ones i wasn't the best i was a bit younger and i kind of took it as a joke, im still young now but i actually like this guy, its just hes good at this and im not. We havent kissed yet because im too scared to screw it up ive dodged him twice already, this only started a week ago, but im scared hes gonna leave me because im not experienced enough and i feel like im bad at it. Im dreading having to even hook up with him because like i said he knows what hes doing and i dont. Im weird around him and i want to just be more comfortable, but idk how.

 

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Blow over? The time between his nastiness is just a pause to manipulate you. 

People newly dating are on their BEST behavior. This guy can't even fake it for one weeK. What should that tell you?

Are you waiting for this guy to haul off and belt you before you grasp how dangerous he is?

Just act like he's your best friend but add some closeness. 

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39 minutes ago, Rosestorm said:

Just act normal and like he is your best friend but add some closeness. Don't shut him out but give him space. If he isn't saying anything then let him be. After a while then ask if he's fine. If he don't say why try giving him some time to think. Don't push it.

I disagree that the goal is to manipulate a nasty person into pretending that they're nice again.

A healthy, mature person will grasp, quickly, that a nasty person is a dangerous person, and will stay away from them.

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