Girlfriend angry - blended family not going as planned

[sunday_luthier]

Hello,

I'll try to make this short.

Girlfriend is 41, I'm 44.  She has one daughter age 14.  I have two daughters, 10 and 13.

My ex moved out of the family home (which belongs to me) 3 years ago.  She has moved on.  It was tough, but now I'm fine with it.  We share custody of the kids.

I started a new relationship with my current girlfriend 1.5 years ago.  I get along great with her daughter and I feel comfortable staying at their house.  The other way around is difficult.  My girlfriend is very uncomfortable and uneasy when she comes over, and doesn't click with my daughters.  She has sometimes displayed passive agressive behavior that have made some evenings super cringey.

We talked about the situation and she told me she doesn't want to come over anymore.  She says she feels unwelcome and I can't blame her.  But at the same time, I feel she isn't willing to put in the effort I put in to blend in with her household.

We recently agreed we had met a hurdle and that we would work on it together as a team to resolve the issue.

Out of nowhere, she now tells me I'm not making room for her into my life and that she now wants to focus on herself.  At first I was shocked and sad by this statement, but now I'm feeling downright angry.  Whenever I don't have the kids, I am at her full disposal.  I drive her daughter to activities because she has a hectic schedule, and I am happy to do so.  

I feel I should respect her request for time alone, but that I am in fact, and since the beginning of the relationship, the one that actually made the effort.

What should I do?

[spinstermanquee]

Give her the space she is requesting?

[sunday_luthier]

Absolutely, no question about that.  

I do suspect she will be mad at me for not checking up on her though... But we'll see

 

[Seraphim]

Why bother dating someone not comfortable with your children? Doesn’t sound like a lasting arrangement. 

[spinstermanquee]

It's (supposed to be) a two-way street, not a one-way.  You said (my paraphrase/interpretation) she isn't putting into the relationship bank yet she is withdrawing at a rapid pace.  That creates a deficit, one which is not easy to resolve unless both parties are fully committed.  Perhaps you left out some other details regarding the ex partners, etc. because when the kids aren't open to a new person, that could be some influence from others, especially at that age.  In any case her "I vant to be alone" sounds a bit like game-playing to me (seeing how much more you are willing to do to keep her around).  If there is no harmony in your home when she's in orbit then it's best she find someone else to drive Miss Daisy when she's "too busy."

[spinstermanquee]

7 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I do suspect she will be mad at me for not checking up on her though

"Let me get mad at you for giving me what I asked for"  might fall into the game category as well.  Good luck! 

[Coily]

With her behavior, she is adding nothing to your family at this point.  
I almost get the sense that she resents having to via with your daughters for your attention. Which, even as an evil bachelor, tells me she is not the right fit for blending with.  At this point prioritize being the best dad you can; and if your girlfriend can’t handle that, she knows where the door is.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

My girlfriend is very uncomfortable and uneasy when she comes over, and doesn't click with my daughters. 

Out of nowhere, she now tells me I'm not making room for her into my life and that she now wants to focus on herself. What should I do?

Sorry this is happening. This aspect makes you essentially incompatible. She is in effect breaking up using the 'focus on myself' excuse. Give her space. Let her reach out.

[spinstermanquee]

13 minutes ago, Coily said:

I almost get the sense that she resents having to via with your daughters for your attention

^^^ spot on, Coily.  I married a guy who had a young daughter and us BOTH being there for her growing up took precedence.  The kids need all the adults (past, present, and future) to be on the same page for their healthiest outlook.  Kids can never have too much love.  sunday, bless you for being selfless with her child.  Keep moving and you will find that person who will not only enhance your life, but the lives of your children as well (NOT replace their mother; rather be a "bonus" adult female in their lives that they can build their own relationship with).  This competition thing Coily mentioned is not mature at all.  You don't need another child (madam "i need my space") in the mix!

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

My girlfriend is very uncomfortable and uneasy when she comes over, and doesn't click with my daughters.  She has sometimes displayed passive agressive behavior that have made some evenings super cringey.

Can you explain the above a bit more?

What exactly are the problems she has with your daughters, and in which ways has she been passive-aggressive? 

[sunday_luthier]

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Can you explain the above a bit more?

What exactly are the problems she has with your daughters, and in which ways has she been passive-aggressive? 

I don't know if passive aggressive is the right word.  But being distant, not engaging in conversation, being visibly annoyed by playful jokes my youngest says.  Sometimes it was really fine and fun, but other times it was like she really wanted us to know she'd rather not be there, being quite irritable.

Of course, everyone can have a bad day or be in bad mood once in a while, but I think it was a bit too much a bit too often, and after a few evenings of uneasiness, I think my kids started to feel things were simply not as fun as when it's just the three of us and, frankly, so did I. 

[boltnrun]

I would recommend waiting at least a full year before even introducing a date to your children. Kids get attached. They don't fully understand dating. And if it doesn't work out they have to go through a loss all over again.

My brother just went through his second divorce. In his case his kids weren't all that fond of his wife but they kept quiet because they could see he was besotted with her. The marriage ended up lasting only a year. It was a disaster all the way around. He immediately started dating again (even before he'd filed for divorce!). I hope next time he's a bit more cautious and a lot slower with trying to integrate a woman into his family.

So I would strongly recommend going much slower next time.

[waffle]

4 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

 Whenever I don't have the kids, I am at her full disposal. 

And when you do have the kids, what happens then?

[Andrina]

7 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

'm not making room for her into my life and that she now wants to focus on herself. 

When someone truly cares, they will ask for improvement instead of bailing.

 

2 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

But being distant, not engaging in conversation, being visibly annoyed by playful jokes my youngest says. 

She sounds really immature and unpleasant. If you two got back together, your kids would eventually come to know that this lady in your life wants nothing to do with them. Kids soak up everything like a sponge. How do you think they'd feel about their dad dating someone who can't stand being around them?

A kid's parent's partner doesn't have to play the role of a very involved step-parent, or be best buddies with them, but if they can't even be pleasant around them, that should be a dealbreaker.

I was the step-parent of a teen and she did things that annoyed me, just as my own kids did, but the majority of the time we got along and I did things with her without her Dad if I had the day off and he didn't, such as go to the movies and clothes shopping. 

In your case, this is already bad in the dating phase. It'd likely get even worse if you two co-habited. A new year's around the corner. I'd start fresh by moving on.

[waffle]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

. . . your kids would eventually come to know that this lady in your life wants nothing to do with them. Kids soak up everything like a sponge. How do you think they'd feel about their dad dating someone who can't stand being around them?

 

Sounds like he's figured out that it's his kids that don't like the evil stepmother figure.

8 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

She says she feels unwelcome and I can't blame her. 

There's more to this situation.

[Batya33]

I agree with Boltnrun. I don’t see this as a blended family issue. She is someone you’re dating and suddenly you’re heavily involved with her child - too much too soon. Why is she around your children this much and this soon ?

[greendots]

Honestly, I thought that she'd try to win your daughters over or at least try to keep the peace. Not make you choose between your daughters and her.

What do you think? Also, what are her good qualities?

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I started a new relationship with my current girlfriend 1.5 years ago

The good news is that dating 18 mos and separate households is not a "blended family". It's a situation where there was a bit too much too soon as far as kids are concerned and unfortunately too many incompatibilities.

Was this a rebound relationship for either of you? Often trying too hard to make everything fit too soon can be a symptom of that. In the future, focus on dating each other more rather than parenting each other's kids.

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

other times it was like she really wanted us to know she'd rather not be there, being quite irritable.

When a partner won't be consistently kind to your children, everybody loses--especially your kids.

It sounds as though this woman wants to 'take' a partner who will care for her child, but she's not willing or able to offer the kind of balance your daughters deserve.

As uncomfortable as this is for you, it really pulls the rug out from under your children, who don't deserve an obligation of sharing their father with anyone who is inhospitable to them.

Your daughters have already suffered your breakup with their mother, so imposing a hostile woman on them in YOUR home is, IMO, unthinkable.

Add to that the idea of having all 3 children get along without territorial insecurity and acting out, and you've got yourself one harsh landscape for your kids to navigate--at a time when they are just entering the already-insecure years of adolescence.

I'd skip the woman. Unless she comes forward, unprompted, with a sincere and heartfelt commitment to step up her efforts to bond with your daughters, it makes no sense to go forward with any more attempts to mix her with them. They deserve for their father to be focused on THEM. Period.

[sunday_luthier]

20 hours ago, waffle said:

 

There's more to this situation.

First of all, thank you for all your responses.  Is has really given me food for thought.

The reason I can't blame her for not feeling welcome is that I started inviting her regularly when the kids were over at a time when I think they really needed stability on my side and in the home they've always lived in.

Their mom was preparing to move in with her new boyfriend.  So my daughters were moving out of their mom's appartment and moving in all together in a new house with this man and his son. 

Right before the move, my older daughter was constantly giving the evil stare, snapping or giving me the silent treatment.  I think the idea of moving was making her very anxious about the future.  In retrospect, the timing to introduce a new character to our home was terrible.

My girlfriend didn't know how to handle this situation, and her own mood swings really made for some akward silences.

_________________

 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

First of all, thank you for all your responses.  Is has really given me food for thought.

The reason I can't blame her for not feeling welcome is that I started inviting her regularly when the kids were over at a time when I think they really needed stability on my side and in the home they've always lived in.

Their mom was preparing to move in with her new boyfriend.  So my daughters were moving out of their mom's appartment and moving in all together in a new house with this man and his son. 

Right before the move, my older daughter was constantly giving the evil stare, snapping or giving me the silent treatment.  I think the idea of moving was making her very anxious about the future.  In retrospect, the timing to introduce a new character to our home was terrible.

My girlfriend didn't know how to handle this situation, and her own mood swings really made for some akward silences.

_________________

 

If she can’t figure out that a child is having a very difficult time and has emotional instability issues she is not the person to be around your kids. 

[sunday_luthier]

So we had a talk today.  Not sure it was a good one.

One day after telling me she needed space (which I gave her by basically saying "ok, I don't agree with the reasons you are angry with me, but I understand"), she sent me a text saying she wanted to see me.

I told her she could come over after work.  I think she expected me to apologize or crawl. 

I told her that her message was precisely what I don't find acceptable in a relationship, that I would not accept any kind of mind games, and that she should learn to be happy herself before guilt-tripping me into spending even more time with her, especially since she's the one who decided not to come to my house anymore.

She admitted she was distressed at the thought of not knowing when we would see each other again (the weekend?  next monday?...) as we hadn't made plans.

Funny how the whole "I need space" scenario suddenly disapeared... 

I told her that I felt her view on the relationship looked more like dependency than love and that I found it alarming.

We had to end it there as she had to leave.

 

[Seraphim]

She is a game player . 

[sunday_luthier]

1 minute ago, Seraphim said:

She is a game player . 

I don't need a relationship.  I need to be a good dad.  I'll take the relationship if it brings me joy, not anxiety.

We'll see where it goes.  I did the whole "comforting her" routine before she left, but yup, she's a game player.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

 I started inviting her regularly when the kids were over 

Perhaps it's better to part ways.  You're both disappointed and angry at this point..

As you mentioned your focus is on being the best dad you can be. Date when you don't have your custody days. Spend quality time with your children and separate get-to-know-you time with women you date.

You're right about way too much too soon and having a new GF over when you have your kids.

Let this go and now that you've worked out some issues with the ex, coparenting, housing, etc., reflect and regroup.

Next time get to know who you're dating first and develop the relationship first  rather than trying to force fit a blended family by introducing your children too soon or worse having women come to your place on custody days.