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My ex broke up with me, and didnt tell me why, she just told me that she ist happy anymore


Leeroy
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We were dating for 1 year and 4 months, 1 month ago she broke up with me.

I tried to find out why, she just stated that ist happy anymore and is uncertain of what shes feeling she said.

I only regret the 3 mistakes that I’ve done in this time of relationship:

1. First mistake was I didnt introduce her to my friends. Which raised kinda a red flag for her. But there is a thing, that she is very very shy around new people, I knew her very well, and once I did introduce her to 2 of my friends, everyting was fine, but afterwards when I asked her “How did u feel around my friends?” She replied “I didnt felt to well, cause they didn't take me into account that much, I felt marginalized.” From then I tried to control everything around me and her, she has this thinking that she will be judged wrong about new people around her, I tried to protect her. But sadly in the end she thought that I dont want to introduce her to my friends and she was thinking that I keep her only for sex and for my satisfaction. All I wanted was to protect her from bad judgements.

2. Second mistake was; she was very skeptical of me that I would cheat on her, I dont blame her attitude cause she had one relationship before me and didnt went that good, I didnt want to ask that much from her past though. Like I was saying, from her likely “paranoic” behaviour, she took my phone, and went through all my messages of course she didnt find anything, (except for 1 thing that we sorted it out and was my university colleague), she also looked at my tik tok likes and saw that I liked few tik-tok short videos of girls, I tried to explain that I was very sorry and she was developing security issues that she is no good for me, that she looks ugly and with big nose and so on. From that time I took all the blame and felt very sorry about what I did.

3. My 3rd mistake was. when we held arguments between us, I was the only one that ran away from fights. OFC I didnt dodge her for days or weeks, I just wanted to clear my mind and come back within 30 - 40 min to discuss. I did it several times, but the last time I was very sorry and told her that I will change and wanted I prove it with facts. She always tells me when I do this that "I always run from problems."

I begged her that she is making a mistake, and stated that I still love her and wanted to get over this obstacles together, I cried in front of her when she gave me the news. It was a tough day.

She said that she will help me get over the pain and sorrow, but of course I told her she is making it worse. I told her that I dont want to talk to her anymore. And that I dont want to be in friend zone.

We kept seeing eachother. I tried to go to her university once, cause she was dodging me and was rescheduling the dates. I waited outside the uni, to talk to her. But she perceived me that I stalk her to see if she is seeing another guy. I told her that she was dodging me that's why I came up. Now she is scared that I'm stalking her... She said that "Now if u did this, I  dont know what you're capable of, and I'm afraid."

Its this relationship salvageable ? I want to know how if it’s doable. (sry for my bad english, not my main language)

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Sorry you’re going through this, but you need to act more mature in this situation. She has insecurity issues, and you have some attachment and control issues. When a woman tells you she’s not happy anymore, there is nothing left to salvage. Go no contact and LEAVE HER ALONE! Immediately, like NOW. Do not, for any reason, show up to her university or exhibit any other stalkerish behavior as you are towing the line of getting police involved. She told you she is not sure what you will do and your behavior is unstable. 

Vent on this board, talk to friends, bury your head in your studies, but whatever you do, walk away from this. 

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2 out of 3 those "mistakes" are just her being possesive and introvert. That is not your fault, that is on her.

I dont blame you for being insecure. For a year you had somebody who questioned your every move, even go through your phone, doing a number on you. And you accepted that as "normal". Even blaming yourself for something that is clearly her "red flags" and something that you should have run away from. That is your only mistake here, that you didnt run away from her on time. Before she installed those insecurities on you. 

And after all that you want her back? Be happy that she is gone. You are far better even being alone then with somebody like that. 

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18 minutes ago, Leeroy said:

Second mistake was; she was very skeptical of me that I would cheat on her, I dont blame her attitude cause she had one relationship before me and didnt went that good, I didnt want to ask that much from her past though. Like I was saying, from her likely “paranoic” behaviour, she took my phone, and went through all my messages of course she didnt find anything, (

Actually, your biggest mistake was to date someone who lugs around toxic baggage, making you pay the price for a crime you never committed. Those sorts of people shouldn't be dating until they've ditched unhealthy emotional baggage.

Obviously she's attractive and the sex was good, but reading what you wrote, sounds like misery to me. Perhaps you don't know that the majority of time, a great relationship should have a lot more happiness than turmoil.

Your self-worth is lacking, or you wouldn't want to return to this mess. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve. If you felt good about yourself, you'd know you deserve better. Read articles on how to improve your self-love, and you will likely have better success in romance in the future.

Go no contact. You can't move on to the much needed stages of healing and moving on until that happens. 

 

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Sadly there is nothing to salvage. It is much healthier to go no contact, and for now remember the fights and her jealousy.

once you have healed a bit then allow yourself to remember the good times; then when you find someone better you can let those memories fade.

when you feel the urge to contact her, write it down, here or on paper. Vent a bit, we all need to; then look to new opportunities. It is going to suck hard for a while, and until you find peace memories can always pop up when least convenient. But like any loss, you need to mourn the. Pick up the pieces.

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Forgot to mention. A few weeks before she broke up with me, she even made Tinder. I saw a notification on her phone that was Tinder logo and told her "whats up with this notification ? Can I see what u are up to ?". That was my first time looking in her phone, and ideed it was tinder but she didnt had a photo of her or her name or her age. It was a completely random girl photo and random name. And she told me that she installed tinder to find out that I was having tinder. I was mindblown.

6 minutes ago, kctiger said:

Sorry you’re going through this, but you need to act more mature in this situation. She has insecurity issues, and you have some attachment and control issues. When a woman tells you she’s not happy anymore, there is nothing left to salvage. Go no contact and LEAVE HER ALONE! Immediately, like NOW. Do not, for any reason, show up to her university or exhibit any other stalkerish behavior as you are towing the line of getting police involved. She told you she is not sure what you will do and your behavior is unstable. 

Vent on this board, talk to friends, bury your head in your studies, but whatever you do, walk away from this. 

 

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you are incompatible. However she seems to have a lot of problems with control and jealousy. Step back and leave her be for now. Let go.

 

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8 minutes ago, Leeroy said:

And she told me that she installed tinder to find out that I was having tinder. I was mindblown.

Seems like you dodged a bullet. She has some major insecurity issues she needs to work out and it’s not your job to fix anyone. That’s on her. Ain’t no sex good enough to keep someone like this in your life. There are plenty of other woman out there without this type of baggage that won’t make you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

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3 hours ago, Leeroy said:

. I tried to go to her university once, cause she was dodging me and was rescheduling the dates. I waited outside the uni, to talk to her. But she perceived me that I stalk her to see if she is seeing another guy. I told her that she was dodging me that's why I came up. Now she is scared that I'm stalking her... She said that "Now if u did this, I  dont know what you're capable of, and I'm afraid

As she should. Leave her alone and cut contact.

As everyone mentioned, it's time to move on to better matches. Sorry.

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She just gave you an early Christmas gift.  It may not seem like a very good gift right now but in time you will look back and realize just how valuable the gift is.

 I wonder how long you would have stuck in there with her behavior as it was?  

It was a relationship but not a healthy one that is for sure.

I can see you trying to take the blame for the break up so if you can just fix your mistakes you can get her back right?  This isn't on you, it is on her and like mentioned above she has a trunk full of baggage that will haunt any relationship she gets into.  You were supposed to be her bf, not her therapist.

  Be thankful she ended things so you can step back and see the relationship for what it was.

Learn from this so you don't end up sticking around to long even after the person you are with has shown you who they really are.

Lost

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All I see is a major blessing in disguise. This relationship was really unhealthy (imo) and you should count yourself lucky that you are now free of her.  She's got too many issues and you two are incompatible.  Go no contact and stay no contact. Nothing to salvage here.

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I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hope that you don't view the relationship you've described as at all healthy or natural. 

It concerns me that you view as your mistakes an inability to pacify such an unhappy person. Unfortunately, your mistake was to stay instead of walking away from your ex's miserable and manipulative behavior.

However, she was right about one thing: to show up where you have not been invited or expected is scary behavior and could land you involved with the police.

Skip that, and challenge yourself to project your vision forward onto better days ahead. 

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13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I hope that you don't view the relationship you've described as at all healthy or natural. 

It concerns me that you view as your mistakes an inability to pacify such an unhappy person. Unfortunately, your mistake was to stay instead of walking away from your ex's miserable and manipulative behavior.

However, she was right about one thing: to show up where you have not been invited or expected is scary behavior and could land you involved with the police.

Skip that, and challenge yourself to project your vision forward onto better days ahead. 

Thank you all for your advice, I'm feeling better hearing your support and I'm still healing. 

Many hugs to you !!

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5 hours ago, Leeroy said:

Thank you all for your advice, I'm feeling better hearing your support and I'm still healing. 

Many hugs to you !!

So happy to hear this, Leeroy. I hope the main message you'll take from all our responses is that this woman was already unhappy. There was nothing you could have said or done to 'make' her any happier.

Her habit of raising problems with you was just an unhappy person trying to cause drama to distract herself, or possibly to bully you into tap-dancing to try to make her happy--but she's a lost cause.

When someone is abusive just for kicks, there's something deeply wrong with them.

That's not your fault, but it does mean--clearly as a giant neon red flag--that you should walk away from such a person to avoid getting run over and hurt.

There can BE no good outcomes when someone is damaged enough to turn critical and irrational.

Head high, you'll find someone healthy soon enough, as long as you don't settle for another unhealthy scenario. If you'd like to enforce your ability to screen out unhealthy dating matches, consider using your uni's counseling services. If you are a student, your tuition already covers such services on campus, it might be helpful to use them. If you are not a student, contact the uni to learn whether they offer a sliding scale rate to the public.

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