Do I end my 9 year relationship?

[Thatanxietygirl]

I have been with my partner for 9 years. We got together quite young, I was 19. We are due to get married in less than 6 months. 
 

Lately I am really confused about how I feel. I’m unsure about whether I am happy in this relationship any more. He’s a lovely guy I can’t fault him but I just feel like instead of growing together we’ve grown apart and we’ve became more like room mates. We’ve had multiple talks where we’ve said things have to change that we both need to try harder. 
 

Things change for a few months / weeks and then they go back to how they were. I think the only thing stopping me is that I can no longer imagine life without him since he’s been a huge part of my 20s. I also worry that I’d let everyone down by calling off the wedding. 
 

I worry about how he will cope, because more than anything I want him to be happy. It’s although I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m in a relationship that I essentially feel lonely in. 
 

what do I do? 

[Jibralta]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I think you break the engagement and call off the wedding. It's better to do it now, when you might get your deposits back, than five or six months from now.

21 minutes ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

I also worry that I’d let everyone down by calling off the wedding. 

Unfortunately, that's not a good reason to bind yourself to a person that you are unhappy with. 'Everyone' is not going to be in this marriage with you. 

[Kwothe28]

According to Sternberg there are 3 components of love(passion, intimacy and longevity) and 8 types of love base on it. Yours is what he would call "Empty Love". Meaning that you have a longevity together due to being together long enough and you grew accustomed to each other. But you(probably) lack passion and intimacy. Which is quite understandable from the side that you started dating while you were young. And in time probably grew apart as people change a lot from their teen selves to adult ones. Simply put, the only thing keeping you both there is that you are longterm relationship and got used to each other.

In cases like that, yes, you should think about ending the relationship. You both deserve somebody that you would want to be other then just simply being together. Also, even if you stay together, there is a huge risk of you both being unhappy even after marriage or maybe even after having kids as the next step there. To the point one or both of you would probably seek that hapiness outside of marriage. So its better that you both just search that hapiness somewhere else now then afterward.

[kctiger]

This is extremely common, especially in younger couples. It happened to me, practically happened to every one of my friends. Relationships that start when you are still growing as a person oftentimes lead to growing apart as two people. You didn’t even know yourself at 19. The difference between who you are now and who you were when this relationship began is significant. Unfortunately, the 9 years together has become stale and you are both very different people. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase “we’ve become more like roommates than a couple” when two people move in together. Been there, done that. 

Of course you are scared of change and moving on from this person who you’ve grown accustomed to for 9 years. That is a very long time. But the other option is staying in a loveless relationship, get married, God forbid have children, and watch it crumble from the inside out. It takes courage to end a relationship like this, but it is also worth it in the long run. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but it is natural. It’s not your job to worry about letting everyone else down. Better to end it now than get married and things get much more complicated. From a happiness perspective, you owe it to yourself, you both owe it to each other, to call it quits and start a new life as two separate adults who tried really hard but things just weren’t meant to be. There will be ups and downs, grief and longing, but it’s a part of growth and, frankly, it’s inevitable. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Ah, I've been through it too in some way. I hear you. It's scary to leave, but it's also very very liberating. He might feel like a security blanket now, but you have to let go. You need to put your adult/ big girl pants on and remove the band aid. It'll hurt at first, like with any healthy break up, but you'll grow a lot and open a wide door of possibilities to yourself.

Life is too short to stay in a marriage unhappy. It's also not fair to both of you to stay out of obligation or just because it's been X number of years you were together. It's about quality and not quantity.

When you break up with him, live separately and go low contact asap. It'll save you a lot of delay in healing and moving on. Take care 💚 you got this!

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

more than anything I want him to be happy. 

Do you think being married to someone who doesn't really want to be married to him would make him happy? Do you plan to hide the fact you aren't truly in love with him for the rest of your life? 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

then they go back to how they were.

 Sorry this is happening? How were they and what changes do you want him to make? 

[Batya33]

Marrying someone isn’t about the negative “I can’t live without him” although that’s romantic (except in your case it’s likely because of time passing ) but about the affirmative “I want to take the leap of faith and commit to this person in marriage because we love each other, we desire each other and want to be together. I am reasonably excited and sure I want to be married to this person even though I know technically there could be somewhere out there in the world and even more handsome and funny and smart and good person. There doesn’t matter to me. I want him and want to be married to him “, 

I mean sure there are variations mama sure a couple  can decide together ok a marriage of convenience or an arranged marriage etc but it has to be both with eyes wide open. Some thought I married my husband because I was 42 and pregnant. Also because we’d cancelled our wedding in our early 30s because I had core shaking doubts.
We were in very limited contact for 7 years then got back together for all the right reasons and married for all the right reasons. Thank goodness we ended it when we did. If we hadn’t we’d not be together and married now. I am certain of that.  

please don’t passively marry.  I don’t think it’s about age necessarily.  My friend’s daughter met her husband when she was 12 and they married when she was around 17. He was 19.  They have 3 kids around 10 years later and happily married.

My best high school friend met her husband at 15 and married at 21 and they’ve been married 35 years. Same with my mom and dad - they were married 62 years. People can change in their 40s too and grow apart. certainly younger people likely change more. 
yoi owe it to both of you to separate and stop the wedding plans and don’t use those as an excuse to go ahead. I almost did. We lost a few thousand dollars. Better than lying to myself and taking fake vows and getting divorced. It’s hard but do it so you can know you care about yourself and want to do the right thing by him and the family and friends who shouldn’t be asked to attend a wedding that is fake. 

[Thatanxietygirl]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry this is happening? How were they and what changes do you want him to make? 

I just feel like we don’t communicate any more. He sits on one seatee and I the other while we just sit on our phones. Might be too much info as well but there’s no intimacy now. We don’t have kids and we’re both in our 20s yet I feel like we’re an old married couple. There’s no excitement any more. I will openly admit we’re both guilty of not trying as much as we should 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

I just feel like we don’t communicate any more. He sits on one seatee and I the other while we just sit on our phones. Might be too much info as well but there’s no intimacy now. We don’t have kids and we’re both in our 20s yet I feel like we’re an old married couple. There’s no excitement any more. I will openly admit we’re both guilty of not trying as much as we should 

Do you find you’re more interested in planning the wedding reception than planning the marriage ?

[smackie9]

First step go to couples counselling. And for the love of god, put those phones away! Open a bottle of wine and talk before dinner. After dinner, both help clean up and then go for a walk together. Talk some more. It's all about keeping a routine and sticking with it. More quality time together is key.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

I also worry that I’d let everyone down by calling off the wedding. 

I worry about how he will cope, because more than anything I want him to be happy.

I hear. However, it's an aspect of maturity to drop people-pleasing in favor of private discretion.

Nobody else is living your future FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

People are rarely as invested in our wedding as we imagine, so I'd scrap that idea--they'll all live.

As for wanting partner's happiness, it makes no sense to assume that he'll never find someone who can love him in the way that he deserves.

I was shocked to learn that adolescence doesn't end at age 18. It runs through age 25, when the prefrontal cortex of the brain completes development. That's a BIG range of change over many years, and people change over the course of those years.

Young long-term relationships tend to stunt both people, and it's natural for you to sense this and want more for yourself.

We can never get back any time to live over again, but we can change course based on our learning to build a brighter future. The pain involved is real, and I won't try to minimize it.

But it's also worth it.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[WalterSobcha]

Have a long, hard, honest talk with him about this and about your doubts.

Best case scenario: you will become more intimate and have renewed faith in your couple.

Worst case scenario: you will find out that your needs are incompatible and you will know before it's too late.

Definitely have a talk before you take a decision.

[Andrina]

If he's a mentally healthy person with good self-worth, would you think he'd want to spend one more second with you if he read what you've written here?

It's ridiculous to be a sacrificial lamb and give up a happy life to appease family and friends who will be disappointed about the breakup, and more importantly, to lose an opportunity to make yourself free to eventually find someone who meets ALL of your main needs.

It's never a good idea to marry unless you're 100 percent confident in that decision.

Don't have such an inflated idea of yourself that another person will crumble to the ground and never be able to function again because you've walked away. Of course breakups are hard for everyone involved, but people are resilient, or at least should be, if they've properly handled their lives.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[Tiddytok5]

Call everything off immediately breakup.

 

You need to experience other relationships.

 

You can call relationships off at any point.

 

Stop feeling obligated to live your life according to others.

 

 

You are an extreme people pleaser.

 

You need to work on getting out of that habit, 

Other wise you'll lead a miserable existence.

Getting married to only please others is something you should never do. 

 

Along with getting married because you already paid for everything and perhaps can't get a refund.

 

 

End this relationship asap

And also get into therapy.

Maybe it would be beneficial 

 

[MissCanuck]

This relationship has long since passed its expiration date. 

You were young when you got together, and you have outgrown the relationship. It isn't the basis for marriage, so you need to do the right thing and end it respectfully now. He will be hurt, but it would hurt a lot more to divorce him years down the line because your feelings just aren't there. 

Don't worry about letting down everyone else. It isn't their life and they don't get a vote. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

 he’s been a huge part of my 20s. I also worry that I’d let everyone down by calling off the wedding. 

Is this an arranged marriage? Will you two be doing premarital counseling?

If you are in your 20s and the relationship is already sexless and loveless, it's not going to get better.

How long have you lived together? Do you co-own or co-lease? When did you two fall into this rut?

Consider that divorce is as expensive, more expensive than a wedding. Especially if this is a marriage of convenience or a security blanket.

Are either of you interested in someone else? "We're like roommates" is a common refrain when there's an outside interest.

Do either of you have mental or physical health issues that reduces libido?

Is there pressure from families to marry?

[SooSad33]

On 11/23/2022 at 6:21 AM, Thatanxietygirl said:

Things change for a few months / weeks and then they go back to how they were. I think the only thing stopping me is that I can no longer imagine life without him since he’s been a huge part of my 20s. I also worry that I’d let everyone down by calling off the wedding. 

Don't proceed with something like this unless YOU are happy.  Sounds like you're not.

 

On 11/23/2022 at 6:21 AM, Thatanxietygirl said:

I worry about how he will cope, because more than anything I want him to be happy. It’s although I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I’m in a relationship that I essentially feel lonely in. 

Don't worry so much about how he will cope.  A failed relationship is never easy 😕 , but it happens all the time....

Is time to consider yourself in this.

On 11/23/2022 at 6:21 AM, Thatanxietygirl said:

He’s a lovely guy I can’t fault him but I just feel like instead of growing together we’ve grown apart and we’ve became more like room mates.

Sounds like the relationship has died.  Then, nothing much either of you can do about it.  My sister was in something similar for about the same time ( 9 yrs).  People can end up becoming distant and come to realize how different they truly are, then agreeing it's not the same anymore.  We grow up & can grow apart from our 'first love'.

 

[sunday_luthier]

On 11/23/2022 at 5:14 PM, smackie9 said:

First step go to couples counselling. And for the love of god, put those phones away! Open a bottle of wine and talk before dinner. After dinner, both help clean up and then go for a walk together. Talk some more. It's all about keeping a routine and sticking with it. More quality time together is key.

My marriage started going down the drain when my wife got her first smartphone (and then so did I).  You're be surprised at the little things it takes for a relationship to go one way or the other.  Another thing : no TV in the bedroom.  It's a no-brainer to me now, but it wasn't at the time.

 

[Thatanxietygirl]

To keep everyone updated, I had a long hard talk with him. 
 

I poured my heart out to him about how I was feeling, what I wanted to change and asked what he wanted to change in the relationship. 
 

In return he poured his heart out to me and he actually broke down and cried which I have never seen him do in the whole 9 years we’ve been together. Turns out the new role at work which he was in was really affecting his mental health, and he felt like he couldn’t speak about it due to there being so much taboo around men’s mental health. 
 

The past few days is the most we’ve communicated in a long time and although we’re not 100% back at where we should be, it’s definitely been a huge jump in the right direction 

[boltnrun]

On 11/23/2022 at 3:21 AM, Thatanxietygirl said:

We’ve had multiple talks where we’ve said things have to change that we both need to try harder. 
 

Things change for a few months / weeks and then they go back to how they were.

 

12 minutes ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

I had a long hard talk with him. 

Is there a reason why you think this talk will be any different from all the previous talks you have had?

13 minutes ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

he felt like he couldn’t speak about it due to there being so much taboo around men’s mental health. 

Why does he think you would look down on him for having mental health issues?

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Thatanxietygirl said:

The past few days is the most we’ve communicated in a long time and although we’re not 100% back at where we should be, it’s definitely been a huge jump in the right direction 

I'm glad you talked. I hope things continue to improve for you!