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Boyfriend jokingly insults me


Kat30
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Boyfriend (in his forties) hits, pinches, twists my fingers/squeezes my fingers, knots my hair (for real), makes fun of my appearance and calls me dumb/idiot and will say no one likes me and I’m an awful, mean person… but of course when I’ve told him I don’t like that he says he is just joking and he says/does that to everybody, even his kids. I know this is abuse but I can’t seem to leave. I’ve tried and he will beg me to come back and I fold. I just feel incredibly stupid and need some advice on how to leave for good. There is also other things that are red flags about him. Anyone else experience anything like this before?

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Why "can't" you leave? Is he physically blocking the door? Is he threatening to harm you if you try to leave him? Do you have no access to money or transportation? 

Obviously you have internet access, so can you send a family member or friend a message that he's blocking you from leaving and ask for help?

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6 minutes ago, Kat30 said:

I know this is abuse but I can’t seem to leave. I’ve tried and he will beg me to come back and I fold.

Yes, he's abusive while passing it off as joking.  There's a method to his madness where he has you falling for it. You're selling yourself short, and he's running with it.

In any event you're in a situation where the name of the game is "what you see, is what you get."  It's time to up your value, and leave him in the dust.

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What would you tell your closest girlfriend, your mom, or any woman you love, if they asked your advice? 

I'm sure you wouldn't tell them to fold and run back to him.

The problem is that you don't love yourself, and so subconsciously, an abuser is what you think you deserve in life.

If you don't have your own back, who will? You're a grown woman, and need to learn to do what's best for yourself. Be strong and walk away for good and block him from reaching out to you. And then work on your self-worth or you will repeat the same toxic pattern.

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What you are experiencing is a textbook example of a person in an abusive relationship. Where the other side tries to put you down, insults you, even gets physical with you. And when you say that you would leave they beg you to stay. Abuser power lies in the fact there is somebody there to abuse. He doesnt love you. He loves the fact that you are there to be a punching bag for him to feel better.

You should know that before you fall again to his words and "But I love him, cant leave him" excuses. Yes, you can leave him. You know that his behavior is bad and that you should. And I suggest you do leave before it escalates to more physical violence or worst. Because the way you are heading, you are going to that.

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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I dated someone who wouldn't let me breakup in person, so I waited until he was a work, left a note and the key, made a clean get away. 

^ This.  No excuses. Just do it. Yes, you can.  OP, by staying, all you are doing is giving him the message that you accept being abused and he's thriving on it.  Seriously, leave already.

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5 hours ago, Kat30 said:

Boyfriend (in his forties) hits, pinches, twists my fingers/squeezes my fingers, knots my hair (for real), makes fun of my appearance and calls me dumb/idiot and will say no one likes me and I’m an awful, mean person… but of course when I’ve told him I don’t like that he says he is just joking and he says/does that to everybody, even his kids. I know this is abuse but I can’t seem to leave. I’ve tried and he will beg me to come back and I fold. I just feel incredibly stupid and need some advice on how to leave for good. There is also other things that are red flags about him. Anyone else experience anything like this before?

This abuse will never end. A friend of mine married his wife because she was pregnant. He doesn't find her attractive and keeps making fun of her look in front of friends. Even after 10 years he keeps belittling her even though she showed a lot of discomfort and pain in front of everyone. I have told my friend that it isn't funny but he is not listening.

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YOU need to learn some self respect and get a backbone.  Learn to act out & speak up for yourself.  See that No One should ever mistreat you! 

This stuff he does hurts you....right?  Then why do you allow it?  Fact is, you need to get stronger than this. ( Not sure how long you've been with him- but no way would I even think twice about walking away from someone like this).

So, get that inner strength and act.  Now.

What you are doing is showing him that his actions & behaviour is okay.  You are accepting it all.  Why?

 

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is scary and painful.

The joking is a tactic abusive people use to escape accountability from their actions. When he says he's joking, he's making you feel as if your feelings are not valid because, well, "it's a joke" aka "it's not real" aka "it's in your head". It's a form of gaslighting and manipulation. A woman with a more healthy self esteem would have reacted the first time he's done this by saying "this is not a joke. Not for me. And what you're going is inappropriate and concerning" and would immediately run away from such man. Honey, you have done NOTHING to warrant his abuse. Let's be clear on that. He's abusive and he enjoys abusing women.

I recommend you leave when he's not around. Ask a friend to accompany you until you find an accommodation. You are deeply in the abusive cycle, so you need the help to stay away from him until his spell goes away so to speak. Block him everywhere and don't allow him to contact you anymore. Tell his people you don't want to hear from him and block them too.

Use the very little strength that got you to this forum to leave. You got it. You need and deserve to be away from this. Take care 💚

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9 hours ago, Kat30 said:

 I know this is abuse but I can’t seem to leave. 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're not living together so that's all you have to do.

In the meantime, reflect on why you sat still long enough for him to "twists my fingers/squeezes my fingers, knots my hair" without running out the door.

 

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He is a nasty, manipulative bully.  If you do not stand up to a bully then they will continue.  I once had a boyfriend who would deliberately elbow me and tell me it was an accident.  After he'd done it a couple of times I told him, "You do not do that to me ever again" and he didn't.  However, once I knew that such behaviour was within him, my view of him was permanently tainted.  If that's how you feel, you're better off just being done with him.

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I feel really bad for you that your confidence is so low you feel you can’t rid yourself of this jerk. I also feel bad there are guys in their forties who still act like they are 10 years old and girls have cooties. How old are you? What is it you see in this guy that makes you stay with him? 

Get yourself out of this relationship and start dating men. Don’t date boys anymore.

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20 hours ago, Kat30 said:

I know this is abuse but I can’t seem to leave.

My heart goes out to you. In order to understand your private power, change the word "can't" in the above sentence to the word "won't", for accuracy.

From there you can make a better decision, and you can get help to make a safe plan.

You can reach out to you local women's shelter for an appointment with a counselor to help you create a plan and possibly offer access to resources to keep you safe from stalking or coercion or worse.

You do not need to be physically abused for help from domestic violence agencies, social workers, and counsellors because their primary focus is on PREVENTION.

So other options for help and potential access to resources that are not generally known to the public, contact your nearest teaching hospital for a referral to a case worker or call one of the domestic violence hotlines on the web for counseling and a referral to local resources.

Please feel free to write more if it helps.

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