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So I have a fiancé and we are trying to move forward and plan a life together. Only huge problem has been his ex wife. She has done numerous things to upset me and he refuses to deal with her as he said she will round his adult kids against him. She has shown up at a few dinners uninvited while we are with his kids and talked only to him and about how they did things together. She is constantly texting or calling about nothing just to chat about her vacation. She is also engaged but since the very beginning she has basically told me they are best friends.  Problem I have is she has now changed her name back to her married name on Facebook. I feel this is very manipulative but my fiancé says it’s no big deal   Fiancé has never spoken up and I have been told that I’m causing drama. Not much more I can take and as soon as I try and address an issue he breaks the engagement need advice 

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Your fiance will always have his ex-wife in his life especially because of their children.  She will not go away.  He will not confront his ex-wife because she will use the children against him.  She will continue to interfere with your and your fiance's life forever.  Should you complain,  he'll break the engagement.  Either accept your fiance, his ex-wife and their children and being your fiance's lowest priority or break off the engagement.  You will never be happily married to him.  Date and marry a man without baggage because it will be easier and smoother. 

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1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Your fiance will always have his ex-wife in his life especially because of their children.  She will not go away.  He will not confront his ex-wife because she will use the children against him.  She will continue to interfere with your and your fiance's life forever.  Should you complain,  he'll break the engagement.  Either accept your fiance, his ex-wife and their children and being your fiance's lowest priority or break off the engagement.  You will never be happily married to him.  Date and marry a man without baggage because it will be easier and smoother. 

Agree on somethings but to say she needs to be in his life all the time because of two adult children is crazy. I’m sorry you feel that way but I have many friends that have husbands with ex wives and they are not in daily contact about how they are feeling etc or interfering with the new wife 

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6 hours ago, Matter2134 said:

Problem I have is she has now changed her name back to her married name on Facebook. as soon as I try and address an issue he breaks the engagement need advice 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live together? 

How old is he? How old are his children? 

How long have they been divorced? Perhaps you're seeing why he's divorced. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you or the relationship. His ex-wife isn't the problem.

Don't bother with her social media. Perhaps she wants the same name as her kids or it's a dig to her fiance.

It sounds like they deserve each other. Don't get in the crossfire of their ridiculousness.

Step back and reflect if you want to be treated like this. 

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So he lacks boundaries with his ex wife and lets her walk all over him. She will remain in your life as long as he allows her to. And he has shown you that he wants her to do so. He's NOT over his ex.

This is not something YOU can fix. This is a red flag for you to run from. Like, to the hills.

12 hours ago, Matter2134 said:

try and address an issue he breaks the engagement need advice 

Because he still has feelings for her and you are here just to fill the "engagement" void he has. Do you have any idea how inappropriate it is to threaten your partner like that? How disrespectful and inconsiderate it is to do so? How immature and childish!

You don't have to put up with this. At all. Dump him and run to the hills. He is NOT a catch and he has shown you with his actions that he is NOT marriage nor partner material. I'm sorry.

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I wouldn't tolerate my ex's shenanigans, especially if it was immature stuff that hurt my partner. Your fiancé is a jerk. There's no respect for your relationship or your feelings. For me, this would be a deal breaker. I would never be with someone that had a toxic relationship with their ex. I'd be gone. 

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It's time to end this relationship.

 

He isn't ready for marriage or another relationship.

 

 

He won't put her in her place, because her place will always outrank yours.

He allows all these things and more that you are unaware of to happen.

 

 

 

Also they will always remain in  each  other's lives forever. 

They have children. Co parenting will never end unless one or both passes, regardless of the children's age.

 

Alot of times you have to come together and discuss, plan out things, try and figure out the best way to help your children...even if they are adults.

 

Their relationship is inappropriate though.

He probably invited her.

They speak more often than you know.

 

They are perhaps still physically involved as well.

 

 

He's probably telling her that she'll always have his heart, they may even be planning on being together again.

 

 

You'll never win against her.

 

 

She truly has his heart.

She has his children.

I highly suggest you leave this toxic unhealthy relationship.

 

 

 

There are plenty of people that will genuinely treat you right and love you, who are childless.

 

 

You don't need this drama

 

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On 11/20/2022 at 4:27 PM, Matter2134 said:

Agree on somethings but to say she needs to be in his life all the time because of two adult children is crazy. I’m sorry you feel that way but I have many friends that have husbands with ex wives and they are not in daily contact about how they are feeling etc or interfering with the new wife 

I'm sorry you feel the way you do.   I never said she needs to be in his life all the time because of their children.  I said that the ex will never go away as long as she contacts him which is a distraction to the next relationship.  Hence, the newer person in the relationship will feel as if she has lower priority and status.  It's a lot easier and smoother to be with a person who doesn't come with baggage. 

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Yes, there's absolutely no reason for parents of adult children to talk unless there's an extreme issue, like their child has been hospitalized, or needs an intervention because of alcoholism, etc.

You've voiced your concerns and it's fallen on dead ears. The woman says they are best friends, so his inaction of establishing appropriate boundaries proves that's the case.

If you'll only be happy if major change happens, the relationship isn't the right one for you. Doesn't matter how attractive and financially successful he is, or how much time you've invested, etc. You're worthy of a life that's no so frustrating and upsetting. Free yourself to find that.

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Why do you want to marry someone that doesn't respect you, care about your feelings and is basically still married?

 You can do better and if not being alone is better than this.  There is no building a life together when he will not let go of his last life.

I am sorry but you are willing to start building but he is not. I think it is time to let him know you cannot be in a relationship with him when he is still in one with another woman.

Lost

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My parents were divorced and my dad is now passed. But my mom despised him really only talked to him when I got married, when I had my son and a few days before he died only to tell him the two good things he did with his life were his kids. 
 

My mom was remarried. 

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Matter, sorry to hear you're still struggling with this man and his ex wife for - more than a year?  When he moved out in January he exhibited the same behavior - no boundaries with ex, didn't respect you, refused to meet your needs.  He doesn't sound like much of a prize.  Why are you hanging on to someone who has been so consistently crappy to you for so long?  What exactly are you getting out of this "relationship" besides drama and poor treatment?

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On 11/21/2022 at 2:52 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live together? 

How old is he? How old are his children? 

How long have they been divorced? Perhaps you're seeing why he's divorced. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you or the relationship. His ex-wife isn't the problem.

Don't bother with her social media. Perhaps she wants the same name as her kids or it's a dig to her fiance.

It sounds like they deserve each other. Don't get in the crossfire of their ridiculousness.

Step back and reflect if you want to be treated like this. 

Hi kids are 18 and 23. They have been divorced 11 years   He keeps saying they don’t talk anymore but I know that’s a lie because I have seen his messages to her and it’s still laughing about how she went to a restaurant and how they went when the kids were small. It bothers me and he says I need to let it go. He promised it would stop so I’m trusting his words but I don’t trust her as I know she will try something else  

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On 11/26/2022 at 8:36 AM, spinstermanquee said:

Matter, sorry to hear you're still struggling with this man and his ex wife for - more than a year?  When he moved out in January he exhibited the same behavior - no boundaries with ex, didn't respect you, refused to meet your needs.  He doesn't sound like much of a prize.  Why are you hanging on to someone who has been so consistently crappy to you for so long?  What exactly are you getting out of this "relationship" besides drama and poor treatment?

 At this point I do t know anymore and the last time he left I let him go. Then he hounded me with calls texts etc. guess he knew I was not taking him back. I won’t let him move in with me again he has moved back to his house. It’s all drama with the whole family and has been from day 1. I’m almost ready to say that’s it as my life is good with out all of this.  I know I need to make a decision and he says I need to stop this immediately questioning about her motives as he doesn’t care 

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47 minutes ago, Matter2134 said:

the last time he left I let him go.  I won’t let him move in with me again he has moved back to his house. It’s all drama with the whole family and has been from day 1. 

Agree. This is sheer chaos. On/off, moving in/out, etc. Unfortunately his ex is not the problem, he is and the relationship is. Their texting seems to be the least of the problems.

Don't make your home a rotating door of craziness. The ex is not abusive/unstable, he is. It's easier to blame a scapegoat, but he is making you unhappy, not her.

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1 hour ago, Matter2134 said:

...my life is good with out all of this.

Good. This is all you need to know.

You don't need to sink to desperation to resolve this. It's not your problem.

Stand back, let him decide whether we wants to resolve it, or not. If not, then you don't need to do anything but stop taking his calls.

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4 hours ago, Matter2134 said:

he says I need to stop this immediately questioning about her motives as he doesn’t care 

uh-huh.  agreed... he doesn't care because as long as there is someone to receive his D it doesn't matter which person receives it.  he will just tell the one at the current address that they are the one he loves.  easy peasey!  omg i hope his kids are okay

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11 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

uh-huh.  agreed... he doesn't care because as long as there is someone to receive his D it doesn't matter which person receives it.  he will just tell the one at the current address that they are the one he loves.  easy peasey!  omg i hope his kids are okay

Oh his kids are okay well his boy of 18 called me horrible names but that’s what he heard from the mother 

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Just now, Matter2134 said:

Oh his kids are okay well his boy of 18 called me horrible names but that’s what he heard from the mother 

They all said I caused all the drama since I came In the picture. It’s probably because the father never had anyone is his life for 8 years 

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