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I let go of someone really Amazing.. Will I regret it?


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I unexpectedly met a 36 year old guy from hinge and have been dating him for the past couple of weeks. I had been off the apps for a year and this is the first man in a long long time who I felt was actually serious about me. We spoke on the phone before we met and we instantly clicked because we both realized we had so many important factors in common. We both had the same political views... family views... even our upbringings were so so similiar. I was so happy after that first conversation that when we then met up things felt so fun and natural. I quickly realized in person, he was a gentleman, chivalrous, and SO much of what I want in a man. Hardworking, disciplined, but also fun and genuine. If there were a piece of paper of all the qualities I would want, it would be him. 

After 3 great dates, In which the 3rd one he kissed me.. He called me up the last weekend to plan our fourth date but this time he asked me to come to him and he offered to pay for my uber since he lives quite far from me, like 40 minutes but it's not bad. Since the very beginning, although I enjoy talking with him and spending time with him and kind-of always had a gut feeling that I physically wasn't that into him. He's definitely not a bad looking guy, he's ripped as hell because he's very athletic and tan but very opposite of what I'm crazy attracted to physically. So essentially what I'm saying is, I felt like I connected with him on an emotional level/intellectual level but on an physical attraction level it was close to nothing. In the kiss, I didn't feel much (But I've had slow attraction come from certain people) so I chose to give it once more date, and thought that maybe in this date when we got the chance maybe more chemistry and sexual attraction would be there bc we would have some time to probably physically connect in his apt etc. 

He took me to dinner, he even let me bring my dog since I was sitting him, he was SO kind and a great host... I brought (on accident) one of his favorite bottles of wine as a thankyou and as we were chatting and just getting ready for dinner and as I was looking around his apartment, it was so clean and tidy and I just thought to myself "Man, this man has his life together".  

We had a great dinner, he has great taste in restaurants and in food, and we both love seafood so he took me to a great spot by him, and then we went to a bar after to just swing by and say hi to some of his friends. Then we went to his apartment, and honestly he just wasted NO time, he took my clothes off.. everything happened so fast and we hooked up, it kindof hurt if I'm being honest in the beginning but I wasn't sure if it was bc I have been mostly celibate this whole year, but then it felt fine... but then what sortof left me confused is after he came, he just passed out and never acknowledged me, and I'm somebody who likes to be hugged, carressed and acknowledged after. and He snored and just passed out next to me, so I just ended up falling asleep too and carrying on. 

The next morning, he barely said goodmorning to me, and just asked if I wanted to have morning sex and to be honest, I wasn't feeling it. My cervix felt kindof bruised and my whole body just felt so off, so when I told him I didn't feel good I felt as though he was only trying to make me feel better so that he could just hookup with me again. He kept asking me over and over and over again until finally I just said.. I'm so sorry if you're H*rny, but I'm just so not feeling it, I'm dehydrated and my stomach hurts. (at the time I couldn't tell if it was my stomach or my cervix) and then finally he laughed and said Ok ok no worries. 

I ended up deciding I wanted to leave right after, and we had planned to go to the beach and to go to yoga and all these things but I made all the excuses in the world and I went home because I needed to think. When I got home, I didn't feel great to be honest.. I felt like when him and I finally hooked up it didn't feel the way I personally wanted it to feel. I always try to go in with no expectations but I just felt like maybe I was going along with this because "he's a nice guy", "he's a good guy" and it's definitely hard to find that In the city where I live in, but I guess my question to you all is... If I didn't feel it, Did I do the right thing by politely ending things this week when he called me? I just am personally confused as to what happened too. 

If a man is everything that you want on paper, but you feel no intimacy or true physical connection to someone, are they right for you? I've always felt it's important to have both but damnn. I just didn't see this coming, and I'm almost like upset with myself because I didn't like him and as I kept looking at him asleep I just didn't find him attractive. Am I going to regret this? Or did I do the right thing? I felt that I at least tried.. 

 

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I think you are better off letting this one go. 
 

I am reading that he checked off a lot of the things you want, but I think that’s clouding the reality of how you feel. It reads that you found a man who is in a material sense what you would like to find; but the chemistry is non existent.
The sad fact is you were looking for excuses to flee tells you all you need to know.

Now will you have  idle moments wonder what could have been? Yes. I think you would regret staying in a relationship that was nothing more than a friendship with sex.

Do you want to feel appreciated after sex? Or a put together guy who makes you shrink afterwards?

To steal from a wiser man than I; “Better to have loved an lost, than to have never loved at all.”

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3 hours ago, electricorchid said:

  I didn't like him and as I kept looking at him asleep I just didn't find him attractive.

Sorry this happened.4 dates, especially including sex, is enough time to determine attraction.

In this case, although he checked a lot of boxes, some of the major boxes were missing.

You made the right call cutting your losses early.

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Nah. You don't need to regret it. Chemistry is a key element and must have in a relationship. Sometimes you can bring two great people (on paper) together and yet their dynamic is off/ they don't mesh well. And that's normal/okay. Plus, it's always good to listen to your body. It knows best.

It's great you broke it off so you don't have to waste more time with him. I would have done the same thing.

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I had about 5 dates with a guy at one point in my life... same thing. Nothing wrong with the guy we got along great and he was a nice person. 

Sex was so so because of a lack of spark. And it felt awkward straight after as though we were both silently acknowledging that it wasn't that great.  I did see him another time because I thought maybe it was first time nerves. But no.. that first indication was correct.

We just naturally stopped seeing each other, neither of us had to say anything actually. After the last time I saw him he didn't text me, and I didn't text him. No hard feelings there just clearly wasnt a spark there.

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5 hours ago, electricorchid said:

Am I going to regret this?

No. 

This was not a match on a fundamental level. You can't make yourself feel attracted to someone, nor should you try to force it. It's either there, or it's not. And it's not here. 

Your body and heart are telling you that this isn't your guy. It was best to call it off. 

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17 hours ago, electricorchid said:

After 3 great dates, In which the 3rd one he kissed me.. He called me up the last weekend to plan our fourth date but this time he asked me to come to him and he offered to pay for my uber since he lives quite far from me, like 40 minutes but it's not bad. Since the very beginning, although I enjoy talking with him and spending time with him and kind-of always had a gut feeling that I physically wasn't that into him. He's definitely not a bad looking guy, he's ripped as hell because he's very athletic and tan but very opposite of what I'm crazy attracted to physically. So essentially what I'm saying is, I felt like I connected with him on an emotional level/intellectual level but on an physical attraction level it was close to nothing.

You felt some sort of connection emotionally as you said - but it just wasn't enough.  Totally understandable.  Is always great in the beginning 😉 .

Don't feel bad.  As you said, you tried.  If you weren't feeling it, then that's fine.

Plus, this was only over a short time span.  You got your taste of this guy and you figured out that this isn't for you.  It happens.

All is done & you move on.  

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I have to agree - something is way off with that guy. Sorry, but what kind of fourth date is to go to dinner, then bar with his friends, then stay over at his place, have sex for the first time together, then on the next day - go to the beach, then yoga... my head is spinning only from reading all of that. It's too much too soon, like 3-4-5 dates in 1. Is the purpose getting to know each other or showing off how "fun and welcoming" he is, how much variety he has in his life, how many places and people he knows? Sounds to me he just tries to tailor a feeling of "personal" experience that leaves the impression you're special to him but it's only on a superficial level... Because, really - how special could you be to someone after the third date? I think his behaviour post sex and in the morning after better shows his true face - kinda uncaring, cold, selfish, greedy...

If I sound harsh I hope you understand it's not aimed towards you. I just dislike it when people put deceitful facades (and rather grandiose in this case), as that guy did, at least - in my opinion.

To conclude, I see nothing amazing here and I count it as either good luck or some kind of good intuition on your part that you weren't able to feel deep attraction towards him. Easier to move on. As to regrets - what is there to regret - the underwhelming intimate experience? I don't think so.

Good luck.

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21 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its OK, I dont think that guy was that good of a guy as you think at all.

After re-reading my post, I realize I missed a lot of parts out and made it seem like he was selfish? He totally could be but I didn't mention that he got up to give me an tums to see if it would make my stomach feel better, or how my dog needed to go out and pissed all over the front of his elevator and he ran to clean it up and he told me to carry on and take the dog out down stairs. I truly don't think he was a bad guy, I just think the guy was horny but also unconciously inconsiderate of how i physically felt after I had told him, considering he kept asking me so many times, that's all. 

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On 11/17/2022 at 9:39 PM, electricorchid said:

 our fourth date but this time he asked me to come to him and he offered to pay for my uber since he lives quite far from me, like 40 minutes 

Have you heard from him? Weather he's a nice guy or not is not the issue. It's just that you seem incompatible as far as attraction and chemistry. 

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44 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

"Sorry, but what kind of fourth date is to go to dinner, then bar with his friends, then stay over at his place, have sex for the first time together, then on the next day - go to the beach, then yoga... my head is spinning only from reading all of that. It's too much too soon, like 3-4-5 dates in 1"

"I think his behaviour post sex and in the morning after better shows his true face - kinda uncaring, cold, selfish, greedy..."

"If I sound harsh I hope you understand it's not aimed towards you. I just dislike it when people put deceitful facades (and rather grandiose in this case), as that guy did, at least - in my opinion."

"I count it as either good luck or some kind of good intuition on your part that you weren't able to feel deep attraction towards him"

Couldn't agree more with you, at first it felt like a fun idea but now looking back at it and reading your comment it was A LOT way too soon. And I even told him I felt all of this way happening way too soon, and he goes "Really? I feel like it feels right" and I should have seen his selfishness there but I didn't, he didn't even care about my answer. It was hard to decifer between his excitement in having me over vs he just wanted me there for his selfish gains. 

& No offense taken whatsover, I appreciate you saying that actually, I would hope that it wsmy intuition that saved me after all ❤️ 

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UPDATE: To anyone whose curious: He called me wednesday night to chat, and catch up and probably to make plans for the upcoming weekend this week and I told him politely that I think he's a fantastic person, and since I have a lot of respect for him I just had to be honest with him and tell him I wasn't feeling quote "as strong as I think I should feel by this amount of time we've been dating" He didn't take it badly at all, he said he felt a little blindsighted, but then looking back he could feel me pulling away this week and wasn't sure if his intuition was correct or not. But then he thanked me for my honesty and we ended things amicably. I left it vague, and NOT once tell him that he wasn't my type (bc that's just too hurtful IMO) or that I wasn't physically into him, but I did insinuate that the intimate connection was quote "not as strong as I would like for it to be" and he was very curious as to *when* did I start feeling this way, so I was honest with him and told him that it was only after that weekend that I felt that way. Overall, He was very mature about it, we're still friends on instagram and I don't plan on unfollowing him, I just was thinking a lot about it this week because like I said.. on paper it was like a match made in heaven and meeting him but not being attracted to him and not having any chemistry was so confusing. 

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1 minute ago, electricorchid said:

 I just had to be honest with him and tell him I wasn't feeling quote "as strong as I think I should feel by this amount of time we've been dating" He didn't take it badly at all, 

You did the right thing and handled it well. Cutting your losses early is the key to preventing burn out as well as hurting oneself and others trying to force fit unmatched pieces. It also offers a dignified way for both to walk away in peace.

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On 11/17/2022 at 9:39 PM, electricorchid said:

Am I going to regret this? Or did I do the right thing? I felt that I at least tried.. 

 

No, I doubt you'll regret listening to your gut. Or your cervix. Or whatever is telling you NO.

When some of the most important aspects of a connection are missing for you, that's really all you need to know. You don't need to fill out a report card, so no need to pretzel yourself to identify exactly what's wrong.

Head high, allow bad matches to pass early, and you will thank yourself later--with no regrets.

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6 hours ago, electricorchid said:

just think the guy was horny but also unconciously inconsiderate of how i physically felt after I had told him, considering he kept asking me so many times, that's all. 

Why does horny excuse rudeness. Unconscious -in what way -was he passed out? I know what you mean but..... nope - he was actively inconsiderate -it showed in his actions.  It was not a mistake either.  It doesn't matter how you physically felt- if you said no and weren't laughing or being tentative then THE END (I mean if tentative then sure he could ask -once more maybe).  

Yes superficially on paper he is a catch and he has good looks too.  But no he is not a catch and you are second guessing on a guy you slept with after you didn't enjoy kissing him.  

I went on 4 dates once -met on a dating site -with a guy who was a recovering addict (active in AA about one-two years sober) -very smart, a gentleman, very interesting to talk to.  I actually thought I felt a spark so I kept seeing him.  But around date 4 I realized I wasn't ok with the "recovery" and felt a weird vibe about it -he was so honest with me about his fears of someday relapsing.  He kissed me.  I felt nothing and I just wasn't into it.  He called a lot after that and I didn't see him again.  A lot of it was because of the kiss -I realized after 4 dates that it wasn't going to go down a romantic path and it wasn't fair to ask for friendship (ironically we'd also met a year previously for dinner and I couldn't remember why we didn't meet again -so we sort of "knew" each other from before).

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6 hours ago, electricorchid said:

UPDATE: To anyone whose curious: He called me wednesday night to chat, and catch up and probably to make plans for the upcoming weekend this week and I told him politely that I think he's a fantastic person, and since I have a lot of respect for him I just had to be honest with him and tell him I wasn't feeling quote "as strong as I think I should feel by this amount of time we've been dating" He didn't take it badly at all, he said he felt a little blindsighted, but then looking back he could feel me pulling away this week and wasn't sure if his intuition was correct or not. But then he thanked me for my honesty and we ended things amicably. I left it vague, and NOT once tell him that he wasn't my type (bc that's just too hurtful IMO) or that I wasn't physically into him, but I did insinuate that the intimate connection was quote "not as strong as I would like for it to be" and he was very curious as to *when* did I start feeling this way, so I was honest with him and told him that it was only after that weekend that I felt that way. Overall, He was very mature about it, we're still friends on instagram and I don't plan on unfollowing him, I just was thinking a lot about it this week because like I said.. on paper it was like a match made in heaven and meeting him but not being attracted to him and not having any chemistry was so confusing. 

I think you handled it well -I never listened to the "you are so amazing" or "you're so fantastic" stuff because it meant nothing to me from someone I didn't know well and I didn't need the ego "boost" but it was very polite on your part.  I am shocked you think a man who would do the insta-relationship thing and push you to have sex again is a match made in heaven -would you introduce him to a friend of yours who might be attracted to him or would you consider you wouldn't want your friend to be pressured by him?

I don't think he used you for sex -I think you are an adult who agreed to go to his home and you agreed to have sex with him.  I think he liked getting to know you and was very focused on sex but would have seen you again to date plus continue having sex with you.  

I know it's awkward to tell someone you don't feel it. I would not follow him on IG - that's kind of looking for trouble, no?

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I never listened to the "you are so amazing" or "you're so fantastic" stuff because it meant nothing to me from someone I didn't know well and I didn't need the ego "boost" but it was very polite on your part. 

Same. It's a red flag to me and a sign of immaturity. I noped out of dating a guy because he came all strong like that from when I first met him.

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