Christmas he doesn’t want to spend it with me or nye

[Kalypsok]

We been together 1 year. He’s divorced with 2 kids. Ex wife cheated on him 3 years ago. They divorced 3 years ago.

he tells me he loves me and misses me a lot. We are in a long distance relationship but we FaceTime 4-6 times a day. He is kind and comes from a good background. 

In August he committed to me as his gf. he did that because I walked away as I was frustrated he wouldn’t claim me as his gf after 9 months and he was not seeing anyone else. he just disliked having titles. 

he then also told me that thanksgiving he’s taking his kids on a 2 week vacation during that time and wanted me to be aware of it and not be mad that he wasn’t inviting me. 

our 1 year was Halloween weekend  while we were together but he nonchalantly pretended it didn’t exist after I told him about it. 

this past week I asked about the holidays and he was being evasive. 
 

last night I spoke to him about Christmas and nye and if he wanted to spend it with me as flights are expensive and I’d like to plan it.

he told me he wants to spend them with me but he can’t because he doesn’t want marriage. He’s worried this will lead to that. I have been honest with him since the beginning how I want marriage. He also said he might re marry but he doesn’t want any more kids and I agreed to not having kids. I told him at least give me marriage if I have to give up having kids. 
 

he told me he loves me and really wishes he can be with me for the holidays but he just can’t seem to make it happen. He also said he still wants me to be his girlfriend. 
 

I told him that is selfish and I will not be  his gf and be sad, angry, and depressed and alone on the holidays knowing he didnt want/can’t be with me. I rather be alone and single. 
 

he then said I don’t want to lose you but I said you can’t have your cake and eat it too. He said he still can’t get over the hurt his ex wife did to him. He said I am perfect in every way but hard to open up more to me.  He said maybe if I didn’t speak of marriage so much he would have spent the holidays with me. 
 

I am really hurt right now. Knowing how he’s not choosing me. 
 

did I the do the correct thing and end it? Should I have just have be quiet and wait it out? I’m 35 years old and he’s 42 years old. I just don’t want to waste my youth on someone who’s just enjoying me for the time being. 
 

[Seraphim]

You want marriage , he doesn’t. He really just got out of a messy marriage. He is telling you in every way possible to slow the roll and you are mad. 

This is not the relationship for either of you. 

[Batya33]

Agree- please don't nag someone into committing to you and the bogus stuff about titles - please -he knows it's not just a title because he was married and he doesn't want to marry you because it's not just a title and he doesn't want to lead you to believe he wants this sort of commitment to you.  Move on and find someone who does.  Of course he doesn't want to spend these holidays with you because he begrudgingly agreed to be your boyfriend and he doesn't want any further intensity of commitment.  Are you sure he's legally divorced? I mean I'd just end things if I were you and find someone who wants the same things you do -including children -why would you sacrifice the dream of parenting a child?

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, Kalypsok said:

I am really hurt right now. Knowing how he’s not choosing me. 

He is not choosing you because you are a passing thing to him. He already had marrriage and kids, he doesnt want another one. He needed so much time to commit because he doesnt want to commit. He wants  a casual relationship. Meaning you see each other when you see each other, no big holidays together, no commitment etc. Heck he even says that to you all the time

14 minutes ago, Kalypsok said:

he told me he wants to spend them with me but he can’t because he doesn’t want marriage.

He doesnt want commitment.

Dont stay with somebody expecting marriage and even giving up on kids when he doesnt want to even spend holidays with you. Dump him and find somebody who would want all those stuff with you. Because this one aint that.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Kalypsok said:

I told him at least give me marriage if I have to give up having kids. 

No, no, no. 

The big things should not be negotiated on like this, because it will lead to resentment down the line - for him, because he doesn't want to get married again, and for you because you obviously wanted kids. 

1 hour ago, Kalypsok said:

Should I have just have be quiet and wait it out?

No, absolutely not. You had to walk away just to get him to be your boyfriend. This is not how a good relationship goes, ever. Don't do that again - just correctly read it as the sign that he's not the right man for you, and break up for good. 

This relationship has no future. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kalypsok said:

last night I spoke to him about Christmas and nye and if he wanted to spend it with me as flights are expensive and I’d like to plan it. did I the do the correct thing and end it? 

Sorry this happened. How far apart are you? How often did you see each other? Who was supposed to move to whom, if this worked out?

It seems like you made the right choice ending thing because of multiple obstacles and incompatibilities from distance, to marriage to children to how to spend time together.

Free yourself for a local man you can build a relationship with in person and who wants what you want.

[Kalypsok]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How far apart are you? How often did you see each other? Who was supposed to move to whom, if this worked out?

It seems like you made the right choice ending thing because of multiple obstacles and incompatibilities from distance, to marriage to children to how to spend time together.

Free yourself for a local man you can build a relationship with in person and who wants what you want.

We would fly to each other twice a month. Stay with each other 4-5 days. Sometimes once a month depending on our work schedule. 

i would have to move to him which I was perfectly fine with as his entire family is there. 
 

in the beginning I told him I didn’t want long distance as they typically fail if there isn’t an end solution. He pursed me regardless and I ended up falling for him. 

[Kalypsok]

Fyi, I was honest from the beginning I told him I am looking for marriage  in general after 5th date and if he wasn’t looking to be married again it was okay. We just are not on the same page. He pursued me anyways. 
 

when I did walk away I did meant it. I was ready to move on.  I avoided him for a week. He texted and call me relentlessly and even calling my friends. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Kalypsok said:

We would fly to each other twice a month. Stay with each other 4-5 days. Sometimes once a month depending on our work schedule. 

i would have to move to him which I was perfectly fine with as his entire family is there. 
 

in the beginning I told him I didn’t want long distance as they typically fail if there isn’t an end solution. He pursed me regardless and I ended up falling for him. 

You can't control who you fall for and you can control what you do about it.  He chose to pursue you despite not wanting what you wanted.  So here's my suggestion -choose to pursue yourself and never accept the lame "oh well I ended up falling for him and oh well if i nag him enough and give up being a mommy maybe he'll ask me to relocate and live with him, woo hoo!!" - pursue finding out what you are worth. 

What are you worth? Is it worth it to sit back like a pretty flower and whine about what he won't give you when instead you could decide "but I love him" isn't enough because my actions show I don't give a darn about myself."

[MissCanuck]

24 minutes ago, Kalypsok said:

when I did walk away I did meant it. I was ready to move on.  I avoided him for a week. He texted and call me relentlessly and even calling my friends. 

Does this sound like an emotionally-healthy man to you?

Even with this relentless pursuit, it's a bad sign that it came after you broke up with him.  And the rest was just all downhill. At least now you know that this isn't going anywhere. 

It's time to end it cleanly and cut all contact permanently. 

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, Kalypsok said:

Fyi, I was honest from the beginning I told him I am looking for marriage  in general after 5th date and if he wasn’t looking to be married again it was okay. We just are not on the same page. He pursued me anyways. 

Yes because he didnt want to give up on you casually. Not because he wanted the same thing you want.

If you saw and still see that he doesnt want the same thing your reaction should have been going away from that and finding somebody who does. Instead you invested time and a lot of money(can imagine flying wasnt cheap) into somebody who doesnt even wants to spend holidays with you "because its like having a relationship and marriage". 

If you want marriage and family, pursue people who want the same. Dont settle for some middle age divorced guy who doesnt want another relationship and kids.

[smackie9]

Well there's your answer right there...you two want different things. This is a waste of your time. You have plenty of time to find yourself a date for NYE. 

[catfeeder]

You were smart enough to walk away once, so stay smart and do it again. This time, block him.

Your instincts about long distance were correct, and add to that his necessary focus on his children. Spending holidays with you means he doesn't spend them with his kids, and for most parents that's a big deal. 

This guy has nothing to offer you but the expense of airline tickets.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, Kalypsok said:

did I the do the correct thing and end it?

Yep. Block him everywhere and tell your friends you don't want to hear about him.

He's stringing you along. He's not serious about you and won't include you in important events. That is your clue to out. He says he "loves" you, but his actions say the truth which is he's not really in love with you.

Honey at your age, you need to stop wasting time on him. And next time, don't ask a man to show commitment/love to you. It's like telling an adult not to steal. Your don't do that cause everyone just knows it. So when a man doesn't follow his actions, take the hint and cut him loose.

Time to meet new men who are local, available and who want the same things! Have fun on NYE 💅