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Unsure how to stop therapy sessions - using my savings to pay for them


Hhbgff
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If you feel you have been a bad girlfriend in this situation how are you going to show a child as a role model how to interact with other human beings and have appropriate boundaries? Kids absorb everything especially how their parents interact. 

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17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you feel you have been a bad girlfriend in this situation how are you going to show a child as a role model how to interact with other human beings and have appropriate boundaries? Kids absorb everything especially how their parents interact. 

That's if he even agrees to have children.

He has already given her a list of requirements before he'll consent to marriage and children. He dangles marriage and children like a carrot before a horse knowing how badly she wants them, then snatches them away if she doesn't comply with his demands.

And if that isn't abusive and toxic I don't know what is.

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On 11/21/2022 at 12:48 PM, Hhbgff said:

He works in web development and works from home. 

The neighbour is at home all day, every day and out in the garden which is directly below my boyfriends office. She speaks loudly on the phone in the garden, gets overly excitable when anybody enters the garden and runs up to greet them including bin men, window cleaners and post workers, she takes her posessions in and out of the garden all day long, she is just loopy and although the garden is supposed to be shared, she treats it as her own. You can always hear her. 

She has gotten under my boyfriends skin. My boyfriend has gotten very agitated and it's horrible. I don't think he can cope and all he talks about now is about us moving somewhere else. 

I/we don't speak to the neighbour anymore, we don't acknowledge or say hello to each other when we pass each other. She doesn't speak to my or my boyfriend. We just blank each other if we cross paths. We did use to greet each other when we first moved in last year, but that stopped after a couple of months. 

So, your neighbour is quite a handful and understandably gets on his nerves. Still that's no reason to be disrespectful towards you. Truth be told, "disrespectful" is putting it mildly.

I know that what's next is a brave and difficult step to take. But think of the possibilities that open up to you if you were to leave him. Being able to find a nice man who treats you with kindness, who won't mind that you brought dinner late one day and will make breakfast for you on a weekend just because. A man who will encourage you in a positive way and who genuinely cares about your opinion. There are plenty of men like that out there. 🙂

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2 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

Maybe I just havent been good enough as his girlfriend, I havent tried or pushed for anything or done anything for him and hes been getting unhappier and unhappier wanting us to move for months and months now.

But what about him? How is HE a good boyfriend to you when he abuses your kindness and pressures you too do things you DON'T want to do? How is he when he refuses to meet you half way when it comes to decisions? His is he when he doesn't make you feel special and appreciated for who you are?

Your partner might have good qualities, like most people, but he is abusive and abuse is 100% an instant deal breaker and a reason to break up with someone asap. It includes breaking up with someone even if you have loving feelings for them. A person with a healthy self worth would walk away and find themselves someone who values them and respects them. Honey, you can do this too. You need to believe in you yourself.

Please bring up trauma bonding with your therapist or at least read on how to stop it and heal. I'm very sorry again that you are going through this. It's normal and you have done nothing to deserve such treatment 💚

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On 11/21/2022 at 3:53 PM, Hhbgff said:
On 11/21/2022 at 3:45 PM, catfeeder said:

You just finished saying in this thread that he told you he would have left you already but he's too miserable to make the move.

I hope your therapist helps you to open your eyes. 

Ok, but does my boyfriend really think and feel that? Is that what he truly wants and thinks? 

Given how he treats you, why would you even need to ask?

I'm starting to believe that you're not for real.

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I wrote in one of your previous threads that you will give up everything you ever wanted including marriage and children just to hang onto this guy. And you'll wake up at age 50, unmarried and with no children, wondering how it all went so wrong.

Today you have the ability to change that path. But only if you realize your hopes and dreams are not going to come true with this guy. 

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I've wondered this for a while, given the way these incredibly circular threads go. 

 

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Given how he treats you, why would you even need to ask?

I'm starting to believe that you're not for real.

 

Oh I'm real believe me. This has been my life for the last 8-9 years. 

A big old waste of time to be honest! 

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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

. This has been my life for the last 8-9 years. A big old waste of time to be honest! 

Use your remaining therapy sessions for private confidential professional advice and a plan to improve your life.

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5 hours ago, Hhbgff said:

 

 

Oh I'm real believe me. This has been my life for the last 8-9 years. 

A big old waste of time to be honest! 

So why again do you refuse to leave this relationship? You know for a fact your dreams of marriage and children will NEVER come true as long as you insist on staying in this dead end, toxic relationship.

If you do choose to stay I can only conclude you don't really want marriage and children. And that's fine. If being with that guy is your only goal in life and you enjoy the way he treats you then by all means stay.

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When me and my boyfriend had that blowup two weeks ago, you know the one that he started. The one where he told me that he's too depressed to leave me and you know that if we wasn't as depressed as he is at the moment, he would have already found a way to leave me. He also said that even if we both had good, professional, high-paying jobs, he doesn't think that we'd be interested in dating each other. I've never heard him say this before. 

It's so sad. 

Last year, he told me that things were going much better between us and everything was so possitive. We were both so happy. We were dreaming of a house and a family. 

I don't know where everything has gone so wrong, that now were here and it feels like it is just going to keep on getting worse and worse. Is it the stress of the neighbour or my boyfriends mental health? 

 

 

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7 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

It's so sad. 

my boyfriends mental health? 

He is a grown man and can see a physician/therapist any time he wants. He's just manipulating you because he is afraid the therapist will finally convince you to leave the abuse, and he'll lose his punching bag. But you know this.

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If a loud neighbor breaks up your relationship it wasn't strong to begin with.

 You can't be surprised and sad when you end up 50 years old, unmarried and childless because you are choosing that future with your refusal to leave him. If that's what you truly want then go ahead and stay. If not, you can leave him and have the chance to meet a decent man who doesn't enjoy hurting you.

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OP, if your ex was a healthy mature communicator, he would have knocked on the neighbor's door and informed her that she is a bit loud and tried to find a compromise while being kind. No hard feelings.

But look at him complaining behind her back. He's making it out to be as if she's the source of his depression. How pathetic.

Funny thing is, I have a noisy neighbor who plays the music loudly specially at night. All it takes is a knock on his door to let him know to keep it down. If he doesn't oblige, I call the police. Simple. But he is NOT a source of misery. I can let the apartment owner talk to him if I want to, but for now, I live with it until I move out.

Maybe your abusive and manipulative bf is using this against you as a reason to push you to move out with him? Have you thought of that?

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One of my last arguments with my ex was also about making a big move that I didn't agree with. You know what he did?

He started complaining and hating everything around the area we lived in. He hated the neighborhood dogs, hated the neighbors, hated the green park, hated the location... Everything. He did it ALL indirectly on purpose to pressure me to say "Yes, let's leave. You're miserable babe". 

🙄Pathetic.

It was all part his manipulation. He thought that I would eventually break and submit to his request, but I knew what I would be losing if we'd made the move. I knew I was happy there. So I planned a safe exit, blocked him everywhere and left him. Boy, bye! Now I'm living near the city centre and have a great job!

You can do it too. Believe in yourself and don't succumb to your self-doubts. You don't need him. You can be single and happy.

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Please stop making excuses. As Harry says in Harry met Sally when you know you want to be with someone for the rest of your life you want the rest of your life to start right then. No excuses. As you know many people we know didn’t um have a pot to piss in when they married. Kinda like my parents. 

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On 11/24/2022 at 10:39 AM, Hhbgff said:

Is it the stress of the neighbour or my boyfriends mental health? 

 

 

It's 100% your boyfriend's mental health that is the problem. How could a neighbour, who is just minding their own business, be responsible for all your problems? Even if the neighbour was SO bad that you had to flee your apartment, why would you have to move all the way across the country? You could be free of her just by finding a new building. His logic does not add up.

If he really does blame the neighbour for your problems, then my impression is that maybe he overreacts WAY out of proportion to what's actually happening. My abusive ex did that. It turned out he had a massive anger problem that he couldn't control and any minor disagreement or perceived slight would send him into a blind rage. If this is your BF, RUN! 

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On 11/24/2022 at 10:39 AM, Hhbgff said:

I don't know where everything has gone so wrong, that now were here and it feels like it is just going to keep on getting worse and worse. 

 

 

I'm not sure anyone ever really knows. Relationships are complicated. But ultimately it doesn't really matter where it went wrong. The important thing is to recognize that it DID go wrong and make good decisions for yourself about what to do next.

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