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Unsure how to stop therapy sessions - using my savings to pay for them


Hhbgff
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On 11/17/2022 at 9:18 PM, greendots said:

Sorry to hear that you're going through so much.

How so is he angered by your neighbour? How do you get along with her? Also, what does your partner work in?

Anyone who denigrates you doesn't deserve to have you in his life. How dare he say such unspeakable things to you! Honestly, not acceptable.

Excuse my bluntness, but I'd give him the old heave-ho.

 

There are plenty of kind, respectable men out there. 🙂

He works in web development and works from home. 

The neighbour is at home all day, every day and out in the garden which is directly below my boyfriends office. She speaks loudly on the phone in the garden, gets overly excitable when anybody enters the garden and runs up to greet them including bin men, window cleaners and post workers, she takes her posessions in and out of the garden all day long, she is just loopy and although the garden is supposed to be shared, she treats it as her own. You can always hear her. 

She has gotten under my boyfriends skin. My boyfriend has gotten very agitated and it's horrible. I don't think he can cope and all he talks about now is about us moving somewhere else. 

I/we don't speak to the neighbour anymore, we don't acknowledge or say hello to each other when we pass each other. She doesn't speak to my or my boyfriend. We just blank each other if we cross paths. We did use to greet each other when we first moved in last year, but that stopped after a couple of months. 

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He can't purchase headphones and wear them while he's working? Lots of people do that.

I suppose the loud neighbor is your fault too.

You haven't answered why you choose to stay in this toxic relationship. You want marriage and children. He said he won't marry you and won't have children with you. So why again do you stay? Do you have anything other than "but I LOVE him!!" or "we've been together for almost ten years and I don't want it to be all for nothing" or "I'm afraid to be 'alone'". Also, what does your therapist think of your relationship with him?

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23 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I/we don't speak to the neighbour anymore, we don't acknowledge or say hello to each other when we pass each other. She doesn't speak to my or my boyfriend. We just blank each other if we cross paths. We did use to greet each other when we first moved in last year, but that stopped after a couple of months. 

I'd go buy my own place and leave the nasty BF there to get cheered up by the neighbor.

I really do mean this.

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I have been following this thread off and on, and my God it keeps getting worse! Please leave this guy! He is so horrible to you! Whatever it is you are hanging onto, I promise it's nowhere near as good as the relief you will get from not being constantly criticized and bullied. I know because I left someone very much like him earlier this year. I didn't even grieve the relationship. I didn't need to. I had peace and freedom instead!

You have an inheritance, so I would strongly advise you to use that to get out and pursue what you really want. I don't think it's as strong an argument as escaping abuse and reclaiming yourself, but I have  been strongly advised by financial professionals not to buy a house with someone you are not married to. It gets very messy and complicated when the relationship folds, and he already told you he would have left by now! He is only staying for a very selfish purpose! So essentially, it IS over. You don't owe him anything. Save yourself!

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

She speaks loudly on the phone in the garden, gets overly excitable when anybody enters the garden and runs up to greet them including bin men, window cleaners and post workers, she takes her posessions in and out of the garden all day long, she is just loopy and although the garden is supposed to be shared, she treats it as her own. You can always hear her.

She actually sounds like a friendly neighbour.  Maybe a bit loud due to the set up, but she's welcoming, jolly, kind and hospitable. These people are rare nowadays. I imagine if you weren't with your boyfriend, you'd be having tea with that neighbor and become closer to her.

See, the way your bf thinks of this neighbor as a woman is the way he thinks of ALL women including yourself. That's another textbook classic red flag of abusive men. Let me guess. He often has issues with women in his life? Neighbor, colleague, gf, or family member. Right?

Now please, can you make a safe exit plan and leave him? Do you have friends or family who can shelter you from him until you find your own place and start detaching from this toxic mess?

Please remember that you are in the thick of it, so it's easier for you to underestimate the severity of the situation. He doesn't need to hit you physically for your to label this as abuse. And just because your partner has good qualities in him (like all people), it doesn't mean you don't break up with him. Emotional abuse is a 100% justifiable reason to urgently break up with him and leave. Take care 💚

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Yesterday we arrived at our destination of our road trip and my 13 year old son was delighted and in awe when we took him to a block in this city where there is live music he can hear without entering a bar. I loved the  music too as did my husband but the true delight was watching him experience it and a city he’d never been to. And that’s just one hour of one day being a parent. You want to be a parent. Imagine this experience and so many others you can reach for if you make changes now.  No guarantees but right now you have zero guarantee of you and this person becoming loving parents and loving each other much less enjoying an experience like I described because of what a loose cannon he is. 
All you need to know is this is a go nowhere relationship.  Who cares if he is a narcissist or you are delusional.  

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He can't purchase headphones and wear them while he's working? Lots of people do that.

I suppose the loud neighbor is your fault too.

You haven't answered why you choose to stay in this toxic relationship. You want marriage and children. He said he won't marry you and won't have children with you. So why again do you stay? Do you have anything other than "but I LOVE him!!" or "we've been together for almost ten years and I don't want it to be all for nothing" or "I'm afraid to be 'alone'". Also, what does your therapist think of your relationship with him?

I suppose. I wrote a post about why I want to be with my boyfriend in my last thread. I want him, I love him, I want to travel with him, I want to get married, I want to grow old with him, I want to have our child. I can't explain it, he sparks something in me. 

He hasn't said he doesn't want to marry me or have children with me, although I do realize that these things are *on hold* because he thinks we aren't in the right position with regards to my job/salary and the fact we are still renting. He has come round to the idea of having a child and has told me in the past year that it's something he's come round to the idea of and he's told me that you know, he's been thinking about us buying a house and starting a family. Its something he wants the next couple of years, he doesnt want us to be old. Again, his friend got married last year and at the time he said he couldnt stop thinking about our wedding and he was excited for it to happen in the future for us. 

I suppose it could me my fault again. It will probably be my fault again if we leave it too late for me to have my own child again. I've just turned 30, maybe I have time, maybe I don't. 

I've just been to my therapy session. She metioned that maybe what is causing my depression/anxiety over the past few years is not actually the abortion and my job situation, but it is actually my boyfriend's behaviour and treatment of me. 

This has struck a chord with me. 

I told her what my boyfriend said about me having caused his mental health issues over the years and how he told me this two weekends ago. 

She has mentioned someting about cooercive control tonight. 

My boyfriend was putting me down an awful lot this weekend, finding little digs here and there.

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5 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He hasn't said he doesn't want to marry me or have children with me, although I do realize that these things are *on hold* because he thinks we aren't in the right position with regards to my job/salary and the fact we are still renting. 

You just finished saying in this thread that he told you he would have left you already but he's too miserable to make the move.

I hope your therapist helps you to open your eyes. 

 

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30 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

Imagine going to the supermarket, and then going home, and NOT being criticized for how long it took or how much money you spent. How does it make you feel to imagine that?

Nice, happy, content. Like, I was with the right person, somebody that respects and cares about me and somebody THAT PUTS ME FIRST

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4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You just finished saying in this thread that he told you he would have left you already but he's too miserable to make the move.

I hope your therapist helps you to open your eyes. 

 

Ok, but does my boyfriend really think and feel that? Is that what he truly wants and thinks? 

 

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8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You just finished saying in this thread that he told you he would have left you already but he's too miserable to make the move.

I hope your therapist helps you to open your eyes. 

 

I presume this is the real reason why the both of you want you to stop therapy ⬇️

19 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

She metioned that maybe what is causing my depression/anxiety over the past few years is not actually the abortion and my job situation, but it is actually my boyfriend's behaviour and treatment of me. 

This has struck a chord with me. 

I told her what my boyfriend said about me having caused his mental health issues over the years and how he told me this two weekends ago. 

She has mentioned someting about cooercive control tonight. 

You're miserable but you won't leave the person who is making you miserable.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I presume this is the real reason why the both of you want you to stop therapy ⬇️

You're miserable but you won't leave the person who is making you miserable.

The both of us? My boyfriend knows I do therapy, but he doesn't know what I talk about with my therapist. I dont talk to him about it. He's had a nag at me before that I don't tell him anything about it and it seems like some big black hole to him. Hes said that he hasnt noticed any progress, that I seem worse and he hasnt seen any possitive change from it. 

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, because he said so.

Would you EVER say something like that to someone you love

Its hard to answer the question, because somebody I love has said it to me! I really feel like I havent done anything to deseve it.

It makes me sick that he thinks that or even sicker that he said those things to me. Its so much! 

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29 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

She metioned that maybe what is causing my depression/anxiety over the past few years is not actually the abortion and my job situation, but it is actually my boyfriend's behaviour and treatment of me. 

She has mentioned someting about coercive control tonight. 

The therapist is correct. She is trying to tell you he's abusive, but you already know this. 

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5 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Ok, but does my boyfriend really think and feel that? Is that what he truly wants and thinks? 

 

If he didn’t and wanted to be with you of course he wouldn’t risk sabotaging if there was a chance it was a momentary jitter.  Pelase. Also you feel a spark and “can’t explain “ why you want to be with him.  You owe it to yourself and any future child why you think he makes a good partner right now.  Why you two are right together right now. Not if you get a better job or if he stops acting like a jerk. Right now. The magical stuff is sweet and part of being in love but since most of his words and actions are obviously that he wants no marriage to you and no family with you then you don’t get to be lazy and passive and refer to some unexplainable spark.

Heaven forbid if you have a child with this man and end up having to leave your child deserves more than “I’m sorry.  I stayed with him and had a child with him because….I loved him and can’t explain why I put up with his horrible treatment of me.  Sorry you have to be the victim but it was just something I wanted even though he showed no regard for my well being or yours”.
ask your therapist if feelings of love for a person who bullies you is “enough “. 

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3 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Its hard to answer the question, because somebody I love has said it to me! I really feel like I havent done anything to deseve it.

It makes me sick that he thinks that or even sicker that he said those things to me. Its so much! 

Answer the question. Would you say something like that to someone you love.  If it makes you sick then you can explain why you want to be with him. Because your self esteem is in the toilet and you believe being a mom will give you some stamp of approval like a marriage.  Raise your esteem.  Convince your boyfriend to want you and love you because you are the mom of his child. Doesn’t work that way. You know that right?. 

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12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The therapist is correct. She is trying to tell you he's abusive, but you already know this. 

Look, I know now but haven't always known. Ive gotten upset but have been made to feel guilty for getting upset because ive already upset my boyfriend and have caused it all

I have felt that something didnt feel quite right and I have heard of and decided to look up narcistic relationship patterns and behaviour in the past couple of years. 

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23 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Its hard to answer the question, because somebody I love has said it to me!

That wasn't my question. 

My question was, would YOU ever say something like that to someone you love?

Would you be deliberately hurtful? Or would that be the last thing you'd want to do?

We can't make you want to leave someone who has clearly shown he doesn't care if he hurts you. It's just sad to see.

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1 hour ago, Hhbgff said:

I've just been to my therapy session. She metioned that maybe what is causing my depression/anxiety over the past few years is not actually the abortion and my job situation, but it is actually my boyfriend's behaviour and treatment of me. 

 

It struck the chord with you because its the truth. Truth hurts a lots of times.

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21 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Can you please NOT stop therapy?

Did you read up on trauma bonding and codependency? Do you identify with them?

I have 2 more therapy sessions to go, my therapist is giving me a free session. I would really, really like to carry on with therapy, I adore my therapist. I will have to have a think about what's best and what works. 

I have read both of the links you sent me for trauma bonding and codepency. I can especially relate to trauma bonding. What I have copied below especially. Each time my boyfriend gets upset, he comes out with more and more things and its get harder for me to get out of it. I can relate to it all to be honest, but I can't believe its my relationship or the truth of it. I keep thinking we are just going through rockier patches at the moment because my boyfriend is unhappy because he is getting so frustrated by the neighbour and is waiting for us to move and is waiting for me to start taking actions towards moving. Maybe it is being confused with this. Maybe I just havent been good enough as his girlfriend, I havent tried or pushed for anything or done anything for him and hes been getting unhappier and unhappier wanting us to move for months and months now.  I havent been proactive like he would need me to be, but I feel stuck. I dont know what the right thing to do is. My boyfriend wants us to move to a completely different part of the country, i dont know if i feel ready for such a big move and upheaval. I enjoy where we live. 

I'm not reliable and havent been. 

 

What Is Trauma Bonding In a Relationship?

Trauma bonding often happens in the context of romantic relationships, and typically occurs where there is some kind of perceived abuse. Like any toxic relationship, there are severe fluctuations of mood within the relationship, and trauma bonding in relationships is on the same track.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When an argument or some kind of abuse occurs in the relationship, the goal becomes for that to not happen again, but each time it happens, it gets worse and more difficult to get out of.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

This is due to the deeper emotional attachment that happens after each cycle of relationship repair. Our brain looks for the best ways to survive and we believe that the perpetrator isn’t all bad, and so we continue to move forward.

It can be really confusing as you may feel true love and dependence and compassion for your partner who is perpetrating this on you. These feelings are valid and we all crave attachment, so as a way to survive, we find ways to adapt. It can also happen to anyone and can be really hard to identify for yourself.

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14 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

Maybe I just havent been good enough as his girlfriend, I havent tried or pushed for anything or done anything for him

What the what?? You truly believe you haven't done anything for him??

Wow, he has you gaslit really bad.

Does your therapist agree you are a bad girlfriend who hasn't done anything for her boyfriend? Does she believe you deserve the way he treats you?

Please don't stop therapy. You don't really want to, but you think you have to do to get him to love you. News flash, he will still find things to get on you about because he likes to upset you and pick on you. He does. 

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56 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I keep thinking we are just going through rockier patches at the moment because my boyfriend is unhappy because he is getting so frustrated by the neighbour and is waiting for us to move and is waiting for me to start taking actions towards moving.

 Take actions toward moving? Does he mean spending your inheritance on a house for him? Discuss this with your therapist. Talk frankly about the coercion and wearing you down.

You need to read up on "abusive relationships". Isolation is a major tool. If you move with him away from everything you know the abuse will escalate. Read up on "cycle of violence", it's not a "rocky patch".

 Every time you jump through one of his hoops there will be another and another. You have one life. You don't want to spend as a punching bag for a miserable man.

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