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Unsure how to stop therapy sessions - using my savings to pay for them


Hhbgff
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Anyone who is suicidal needs a hospital. I took my husband immediately to a hospital for treatment. I didn’t play mind games with him and tell him he was worse. I made sure he got immediate treatment and after therapy . That is what a loving partner does . 

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Nope, he didn't pressure you to quit but he denigrated you and the effect the therapy had on you so badly you are suicidal.

How do you interpret that as him not pressuring you to quit?

You've known for years you're being used for your money. Yet you won't leave him. Do you honestly think being away from his emotional abuse would be worse? And of course he hates your therapy because you might get healthy and he'd lose his cash cow and the dog he gets to kick. It's evil and sick.

Please call a suicide hotline and contact your insurance to ask for emergency treatment. You can do online therapy to eliminate the travel costs. But first of all you need to have the suicidal ideation treated.

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12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Nope, he didn't pressure you to quit but he denigrated you and the effect the therapy had on you so badly you are suicidal.

How do you interpret that as him not pressuring you to quit?

You've known for years you're being used for your money. Yet you won't leave him. Do you honestly think being away from his emotional abuse would be worse? And of course he hates your therapy because you might get healthy and he'd lose his cash cow and the dog he gets to kick. It's evil and sick.

Please call a suicide hotline and contact your insurance to ask for emergency treatment. You can do online therapy to eliminate the travel costs. But first of all you need to have the suicidal ideation treated.

I am not suicidal because of anything my boyfriend said about my therapy, I have had these thoughts for the past year. 

I do have thoughts of giving up on life. I don't have much hope left. I've lost the hope in my eyes and light in my heart since having to lose my child 3.5 years ago, knowing that my child would have been completely healthy and a shining light. I don't know if I want to be in the world, knowing that my child couldn't have a life here with me. Knowing that I won't get the chance to have a child again.

I know that my boyfriend has his own motivations, milestones and goals he wants to meet, but something just doesn't feel right to me. I don't know what he feels for me anymore, he's had so many episodes where he's blown up at me recently on the weekends, on the evenings after work. All of the blow-up's are in relation to my situation with having a low paid, underachieving job and my him still waiting on me to make a change and also about him being absolutely desperate to move because of the neighbour. After some of the blow-up's, he will apologize and tell me how much he loves me and start been all affectionate (putting his hands round my waist, hugging me from behind, kissing me on the neck and face), but its not in a sexual way. I think he is also infatuated with me at the same time. He has my photo as his phone background and even had another one as his computer background, and always compliments me and calls me pet names. 

He has told me recently and before that I make him depressed and have and have had a negative affect on his mental health over the years. It is a lot to stomach for me. 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He has told me recently and before that I make him depressed and have and have had a negative affect on his mental health over the years. It is a lot to stomach for me. 

Again, this toxic relationship is what is causing your mental and emotional distress.

He gives you crumbs of affection because he wants you to stick around to fund the house he expects you to buy for him (it's not for you when he gets to choose the location and the house and it's not where you want to live). Him hugging your waist isn't going to transform into the marriage and children you want. He does the bare minimum to appease you. 

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? No marriage, no children, you won't get to live where you want. Other than some hugs around the waist and your photo as his screen saver, what is he actively doing to show his love and commitment to you? What loving support does he give you?

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28 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

, and always compliments me and calls me pet names. 

Can you say this out loud?

28 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He has told me recently and before that I make him depressed and have and have had a negative affect on his mental health over the years

This is all part of his emotional abuse OP. He's feeding you lies. The yelling at you and then apologizing is part of the toxic push pull cycle he got you sucked in. When he pulls you back in, it shows to him that you are under his charm/manipulation. And when you stay with him regardless of the abuse, you give him the sign that you are willing to put up with it.

However, you are very smart and aware of his trashy behaviour. Why can't you seem to accept this for what it is and let go? You deserve so much better. He isn't your saviour or something. You are.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, this toxic relationship is what is causing your mental and emotional distress.

He gives you crumbs of affection because he wants you to stick around to fund the house he expects you to buy for him (it's not for you when he gets to choose the location and the house and it's not where you want to live). Him hugging your waist isn't going to transform into the marriage and children you want. He does the bare minimum to appease you. 

What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? No marriage, no children, you won't get to live where you want. Other than some hugs around the waist and your photo as his screen saver, what is he actively doing to show his love and commitment to you? What loving support does he give you?

I don't know how he can support me right now. I don't know if he's in a good place himself. He has been wating on me for years to do better than I currently am so that we have more options, and flexibility and can move our relationships and lives forward. He has told me before (recently and in the summer), that he has gotten depressed and struggles with low mood. He thinks something is wrong with him or that he might have a hormone inbalance.

It kills me to write this, but he's recently (last weekend) said that he's only staying in a relationship with me because of his depression and low mood. If he wasnt struggling with these things, then he would have 'seen the light' and left me, but he hasnt because of not been in the right mental state. 

Our next door neighbour has also made him absolutely desperate to move out. She is driving him mad and he's told me that the worst thing about her is that shes making him angrier and angrier and he never knew he could be so angry. 

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27 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

I do have thoughts of giving up on life. I don't have much hope left. I've lost the hope in my eyes and light in my heart since having to lose my child 3.5 years ago, knowing that my child would have been completely healthy and a shining light. I don't know if I want to be in the world, knowing that my child couldn't have a life here with me. Knowing that I won't get the chance to have a child again.

 

And whos fault is that exactly? Is it maybe your boyfriend who made you to get abortion and now wont even marry you and have a kid again?

You need a good therapy to cope with stuff like that and come to realization why you are all those things you say you are. You giving up on therapy because some low interest rate and so you could fulfill your boyfriends dream and buy a house in English village, will just make you more miserable. Because its not what you want, its what he wants. As it is with not being married and not having a kid. 

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He keeps you around so he has someone to blame for his failures and to kick when he's down. And he throws you a hug from behind and a screen saver so he can continue.

He's basically telling you he would leave you if he could (BTW, he won't because few women would stick around for his abuse and he knows it).

So what are you going to do? So far your choice has been to stay and continue to expose yourself to his abuse. But why? And something better than "but I LOVE him!!" or "I'm afraid to be 'alone'", or "I'm 'hoping' things will change if I just do everything he demands", please.

Someone's gotta look out for you. He never will.

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45 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

It kills me to write this, but he's recently (last weekend) said that he's only staying in a relationship with me because of his depression and low mood. If he wasnt struggling with these things, then he would have 'seen the light' and left me, but he hasnt because of not been in the right mental state

😞 I'm so so sorry he said this to you. This is beyond outrageous and hurtful. No sane partner would ever say that to someone they love and care about. When someone cares about you, they would want to protect your heart as much as they would protect their own. But with him, it's obviously not the case.

Please remember that you have a choice in this to leave. It's never too late to do so whenever that time happens to you 💚 

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I was out at therapy this Monday and offered to pick my boyfriend up something for his dinner on the way home. It ended in disaster!  

I got home late at 9pm, as I had to wait 30 minutes for the next train and also was a bit slow in the supermarket. 

I get home with my boyfriends food i picked up for him. Hes not happy because its 9pm now. 

I get home and he wants to know what i have just spent £40 on in the supermarket. He says it straight away. 

My boyfriend was making all of these remarks about how he can't rely on me, can never rely on me actually and should have just known and ordered himself a takeway. 

He has the food I picked up for him. He doesnt finish it and he tries to offer it to me even though i have something else for dinner, he tells me that he didn't like it, that it was sweet and that he cant finish it. He then starts inquiring about how much money I even spent on it. He then tells me that hes just going to go to bed early. I eat on my own, feeling completely miserable and sad.

Is this not just all a bit much? 

I'd also been out at work all day and then travelled to therapy and then got home late. I did my best to pick him up something i thought he'd like. It was from the same place, hes told me he's picked up lunch at before. 

 

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17 minutes ago, Hhbgff said:

He has the food I picked up for him. He doesnt finish it and he tries to offer it to me even though i have something else for dinner, he tells me that he didn't like it, that it was sweet and that he cant finish it.

Let him cook his own dinner next time.

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I'm asking you this in the kindest way I can think of.

What is it going to take for you to realize how much harm trying to stay in this relationship is doing you? What does he have to do for you to finally realize how absolutely awful he is? 

You write about all of the terrible things he says and does, yet you refuse to leave. Why is that?

No, it's not you and it's not your job and it's not money and it's not your therapy. He's just a hateful, abusive person. He doesn't want anything to change because he likes to abuse you. Yes, he does too!

So, why do you stay?

And are you just going to ignore everyone's comments and questions again? We're trying to help, believe it or not.

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Sorry to hear that you're going through so much.

How so is he angered by your neighbour? How do you get along with her? Also, what does your partner work in?

Anyone who denigrates you doesn't deserve to have you in his life. How dare he say such unspeakable things to you! Honestly, not acceptable.

Excuse my bluntness, but I'd give him the old heave-ho.

 

There are plenty of kind, respectable men out there. 🙂

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I agree with all the others.  I also was wondering -did you feel you were slow in the market on purpose -like it was your way of showing him you weren't going to be bothered about rushing to get him his dinner and getting home to him? 

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On 11/17/2022 at 8:20 PM, MissCanuck said:

You already know the answer to that.

What is it you are hoping to hear from us that you haven't already heard? 

I don't know, sometimes I feel like I could be in a narcistic relationship, other times I feel like I can't believe I'm thinking this and I've gotten completely mad and delusional.. 

Like how have I got to a place where I'm thinking this? !  ? 

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On 11/17/2022 at 11:12 PM, Batya33 said:

I agree with all the others.  I also was wondering -did you feel you were slow in the market on purpose -like it was your way of showing him you weren't going to be bothered about rushing to get him his dinner and getting home to him? 

No, I wasn't purposely slow. I forgot that my boyfriend hadn't had dinner and that I should try to be a bit quicker to get back home to him in good time. 

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