Intense feeling of shame

[kim42]

Hey everyone,

I don’t know if anyone has experienced something similar, I hope someone can help me.

So I have this thing that when I have a favorite shop or a restaurant that I go to frequently to the point that sometimes the staff recognizes me, I have this intense feeling of shame. I can’t explain why, everyone has been nice to me in these situations so far, but this small talk triggers so much anxiety within me. I would like to change it, but I don’t know how.

I realize that these are not life-threatening situations, and maybe some people would even become friends with the restaurant owners, but when it happens to me, I just want to disappear. I know I’m not doing anything bad – I just feel so embarrassed that they recognize me.

For example, there this one coffee shop that I really like, and the last time I was there to buy coffee, the barista said that it was nice to see me again, and this casual sentence made me feel so bad, I could feel my face turning red and I felt so ashamed. Even typing this feels weird, is there anything I can do to stop feeling like this? I know there’s nothing wrong with having a favorite place, all my friends have their favorite spots, I don’t know why I get so anxious. I’m not hiding anything, I am naturally a little shy but I would like to approach these situations in a more normal way.

Thank you for reading this, I hope that someone can understand me.

[moodindigo91]

Have you ever seen a therapist? 

Do you have any idea what causes you to feel so anxious? What is it about people recognizing you that upsets you? 

[kim42]

Yes, I’ve been to therapy a few times.

I think it might stem from my lack of self-confidence – one of my deepest fears is that if someone gets to know me a little more, they won’t like me anymore and stop talking to me.

It is hard to explain, maybe I am afraid that people will judge me because I have a favorite coffee shop? I know it sounds ridiculous. I think it’s this fear of being judged.

[moodindigo91]

I would encourage you to continue therapy, and to ask your therapist to specifically help you address your fear of being judged. I think it's good that you still go to coffee shops and other places even though you have this fear. You should keep doing that. 

Try to push yourself each time you go to take another baby step outside of your comfort zone. That could be as simple as smiling at the barista one day. And each time, you will start to feel more comfortable. 

Of course, people are always going to judge you. They will judge you even if they know nothing about you. So who cares? I think deeper down, there's a fear of abandonment there, which is another thing you should explore with a therapist. 

[jul-els]

Your insecurities are taking root and affecting your thought patterns. What you’re doing in the coffee shop is normal, garden-variety, everyday human interaction. The shame you’re feeling is being self-created. A therapist can help you to discover where your feelings are coming from and how to resolve them. Or maybe just some self-help books on social anxiety. 

[boltnrun]

IDK, years ago I was such a regular at the bar across the street that the bartender didn't even ask me what I wanted. When I walked in and sat down at the bar he poured my favorite beer and set it in front of me. I thought it was cool.

I promise people are not spending their time speculating about how many times you go to a certain coffee shop. And it's considered good customer service to acknowledge regulars. Servers are trained to make regular customers feel welcome.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

I would encourage you to continue therapy, and to ask your therapist to specifically help you address your fear of being judged. I think it's good that you still go to coffee shops and other places even though you have this fear. You should keep doing that. 

Try to push yourself each time you go to take another baby step outside of your comfort zone. That could be as simple as smiling at the barista one day. And each time, you will start to feel more comfortable. 

Of course, people are always going to judge you. They will judge you even if they know nothing about you. So who cares? I think deeper down, there's a fear of abandonment there, which is another thing you should explore with a therapist. 

I think I have definitely have a fear of abandonment, I am trying to untangle my issues one after another.

I don't want to avoid these situations, I tell myself each time that nothing bad has happened to me, and that people were actually nice to me - I just want to become more comfortable, hopefully one day I won't feel anxious at all. 

Thank you for your comment! 

[kim42]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

IDK, years ago I was such a regular at the bar across the street that the bartender didn't even ask me what I wanted. When I walked in and sat down at the bar he poured my favorite beer and set it in front of me. I thought it was cool.

I promise people are not spending their time speculating about how many times you go to a certain coffee shop. And it's considered good customer service to acknowledge regulars. Servers are trained to make regular customers feel welcome.

I think it's cool too, I hope I can enjoy these situations rather then feeling ashamed, appreciate your comment.

[moodindigo91]

12 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I tell myself each time that nothing bad has happened to me, and that people were actually nice to me

This is great! You will become more comfortable with time. Just be patient with yourself and keep doing what you're doing. 

[Cherylyn]

Don't think too hard about this and you'll become less self conscious and act more natural.  Know that people are merely being civil and friendly for harmony's sake which is everyday life. 

The produce guy at my local grocery store recognizes my husband or me so we say 'hello.'  The other produce guy shared a hilarious yet disastrous vacation story with me several months ago.  No harm no foul. 

Practice looking people in the eye, exchange greetings and let your guard down.  They won't bite your head off! 

There is a mom 'n pop brick 'n mortar dinner takeout place about 10 miles from my house.  This family business was founded during the early 1970s and with word of mouth and no other form of advertising, their business prospered.  Their authentic ethnic food is delicious.  The cashier is a descendant of the founder and every time I pickup my takeout order, I ask about her grandmother.  She'll share hardship stories of how the family started their humble little restaurant which morphed into a big restaurant throughout the decades.  Then I pay for my takeout meals and exit the restaurant towards my husband's waiting car.

Being nice is not only good for the other person but it's good for your soul.  Small talk will make your day.  Don't be afraid.  There's nothing to fear.  With practice, you will build self confidence.  Keep it brief and you will be fine.

I was very bashful back in the day.  Nowadays, I act natural, speak up at random and all is swell.  With practice,  you'll get there, too. 

[Batya33]

Also people treat the regulars even better -meaning -let's say they know you like a particular muffin -they're likely to try to save one for you if they know you will be coming in soon.  At my subway sandwich shop the owner knows us well and he knows my order by heart (two subs -for me and husband).  So well that when I try to vary it I have to be very clear that it's a little different from the usual.  It's a good thing - once in a blue moon he'll throw in an extra cookie for my son, and he makes the sandwiches so fast and diligently - I feel cared for.

At my local coffee shop I only do mobile orders these days but my name is on my order and the barrista who is typically there will greet me by name and "have a good day!" - it's .... nice! It's ok that you have this sort of bully inside your head trying to trigger you to feel shame -get distance from this silly bully and let it exist while recognizing that feelings aren't facts. Easier said than done I know.

I hope you feel better.

[catfeeder]

Might you ever have been called by name in a classroom and felt humiliated for not knowing an answer or for giving a wrong answer?

Set aside a bit of time to relax your mind for a moment. Then see if you can run through the names of your teachers and try to remember their faces. See if there may be any you’ve selectively forgotten. Pay attention to your emotions as you recall each one along with any bodily sensations.

Over time, try this with clergy, scout leaders, babysitters, camp counselors, and any adults in authority through your younger years.

You might be able to pinpoint one or more sources of anxiety that started you fearing any recognition in public and a wish to remain unacknowledged or to become invisible.

Also keep a notepad near your bedside to jot any impressions upon awakening after you’ve done some of these memory taps.

This kind of work would be excellent to discuss with a counselor or therapist, especially one who incorporates hypnotherapy into their practice.

[Kwothe28]

Its an interesting case at least. And its probably something about sub-contiousness. 

For example, you feeling shame you feeling shame could be because of you thinking that you are wasting your time and money there. Or maybe how its shameful to be a regular on a places like that. 

As Ive said, its an interesting case to unfold. Maybe during your childhood your parents thought you that way. And how its wasteful to spend time and money in places like coffee shop or bars. But you need to uunfold all that with the therapist and see where it leads.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, kim42 said:

,but this small talk triggers so much

Sorry this is happening. Are you sure "guilt" is the right word? It seems more like social anxiety.

It's normal for servers to be polite to customers and especially regulars.

Keep in mind that caffeine can exacerbate anxiety. So maybe order decaf.

Everyone goes to places regularly so people often do see the same faces.

These are superficial niceties so no one can really see through you or whatever your fear seems to be.

You stated you're shy but what you're describing seems more like social anxiety.

[Batya33]

Do you think they are doing the small talk because they "pity" you for being alone at the shop and assume you are lonely? 

I like Catfeeder's suggestion about locating a possible trigger.

[boltnrun]

I love being recognized as a regular at an establishment. 

It's interesting you find it something to be ashamed of. I wonder why that is?

[Jibralta]

On 10/28/2022 at 11:37 AM, kim42 said:

It is hard to explain, maybe I am afraid that people will judge me because I have a favorite coffee shop? I know it sounds ridiculous. I think it’s this fear of being judged.

That's interesting! 

Why do you think people assume it's your favorite, and that it's not simply convenient (i.e., on your way to work)? 

I think everyone has some fear of being judged. I don't think I personally know anyone who enjoys criticism. 

If it makes you feel better, I have a similar aversion to over-familiarity and I can be super awkward about it. One time, a barrista complimented my bangs. I was glad she liked my bangs and I thanked her and was friendly, but I was also totally freaked out lol. I'm really not sure why! I guess I felt like I didn't want to have to manage her friendliness. I think the next time I was in there I actually shot her a dirty look, like, That's enough out of you. Leave me alone. 😅

[spinstermanquee]

kim42, perhaps I am a bit similar.  I can't stand when I become the focus of attention.  It's not that I am not competent, intelligent, etc. but I don't like being the fulcrum.  Doesn't matter if it's a business meeting, a family reunion, or a party.  I just want to become part of the woodwork when the attention turns my way.

In my case it's due to my upbringing.  I was taught to be nothing, inconsequential, and ignored because my narcissistic parent was supposed to be the star of the show.  When I get kudos or love vibes I go into hiding mode.

Lots of therapy later, I am finally stepping into my own skin and owning it!  So... YMMV I wish you all the best kim!

[kim42]

On 10/29/2022 at 9:30 PM, spinstermanquee said:

kim42, perhaps I am a bit similar.  I can't stand when I become the focus of attention.  It's not that I am not competent, intelligent, etc. but I don't like being the fulcrum.  Doesn't matter if it's a business meeting, a family reunion, or a party.  I just want to become part of the woodwork when the attention turns my way.

In my case it's due to my upbringing.  I was taught to be nothing, inconsequential, and ignored because my narcissistic parent was supposed to be the star of the show.  When I get kudos or love vibes I go into hiding mode.

Lots of therapy later, I am finally stepping into my own skin and owning it!  So... YMMV I wish you all the best kim!

Thank you everyone for your comments, I appreciate your help!

I think this reply describes pretty much how I feel in these situations. I think this is the main issue – I just hate being the center of attention, so if someone at the coffee shop recognizes me, it makes me feel uncomfortable because I just want to buy my coffee (it’s decaf by the way 🙂 ) peacefully and not have to deal with unwanted attention.

I know this is regular customer service, and as I said before, everyone has been very nice to me so far, but I simply don’t like this – even at my previous work, I used to hate celebrating my birthday with my coworkers (it was obligatory) – the idea behind it was nice, but I hated being the center of attention – I am much more comfortable watching these situations from afar.

I think it might be due to my upbringing as well – it was a little chaotic, with an emotionally distant parent. Either way, thank you spinstermanquee, I think I understand myself a little better now.

[kim42]

On 10/29/2022 at 7:41 PM, boltnrun said:

I love being recognized as a regular at an establishment. 

It's interesting you find it something to be ashamed of. I wonder why that is?

Thanks to spinstermanquee's comment, I have realized it's probably because I don't like being the center of attention - I just want to buy what I need to buy and leave the shop. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Thanks to spinstermanquee's comment, I have realized it's probably because I don't like being the center of attention - I just want to buy what I need to buy and leave the shop. 

But shame is an extreme response. I can see feeling awkward or uncomfortable, but shame? Like you've done something worthy of being shamed? You haven't. You literally just bought a coffee. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

 I don't like being the center of attention - I just want to buy what I need to buy and leave the shop. 

You're not "the center of attention". Just the typical small talk regular customers have. Read up on 'social anxiety'.

[kim42]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not "the center of attention". Just the typical small talk regular customers have. Read up on 'social anxiety'.

From my perspective, it feels like I am the center of attention - I find this small talk unnecessary and it makes me uncomfortable. I think it also has to do with the fact that I come from a culture where we don't do small talk at shops, so I'm still not used to it.

[kim42]

26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But shame is an extreme response. I can see feeling awkward or uncomfortable, but shame? Like you've done something worthy of being shamed? You haven't. You literally just bought a coffee. 

I know it's an extreme reaction, that's why I have started this thread. I think I'll be more comfortable in these situations with time.

[spinstermanquee]

Thank you WM2!  Yes it does seem like a sort of social anxiety... I've been working on so many other things that this is kind of near the end of my list so I haven't focused on it too much yet (but I'm getting there)!

It's that uncomfortable feeling when the eyes and/or ears swing your way - not from someone you know and love or a good friend, but more like distant family members, far-flung colleagues, strangers.  My knee-jerk reaction is deer in the headlights, want to disappear.  

Sometimes I can exit the feeling with a deep breath or two and force my focus on the present moment which gets me out of my head and into the NOW.  People are rarely as judgemental or thinking about us as much as we think they are (!)  Right? 

Part of giving great service is to acknowledge the regulars, remember their preferences, etc.  I don't feel like you did at a coffee shop (I would write a letter to the manager about how great _____'s service is) but I totally connected to the feeling you described - like an inner shudder or cringe... even though I am foreign born I grew up in the US so that probably accounts for the difference in the catalyst for the uncomfortable feeling.  I get it more at parties and in business meetings.

In any case, kudos to you for coming here to discuss with your eNotalone peeps.  The good news is, it's not fatal 😉  Hugs to you!  (((((   )))))

PS totally not minimizing your experience, just wanted to inject some humor