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i think my boyfriend is lieing or is it just me????? HELP!

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i have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months now. about 5 months ago i caught him on link removed emailing girls to get to know them while we were still together & very serious! well the problem is then i was on his computer talking to male friends of mine on instant msgr and the friends of mine were talking perverted to me and asking me to do things nasty, etc. although i really didnt respond to the msgs from my "supposly" male friends i did go on talking to them, so my bf read all the msgs and it offended him then that lead to him going thru my email accounts and finding things that were notso great for us..anyway, we got over that, well i didnt get over him emailing girls,etc. well i still had some trust issues with what happened..so every now & then i would go into one of his email accounts just to see if he was still doing it..well about a month ago i went into it and looked thru his contacts and 2 new girls were added that were not there b4. i asked him about it and he said it was girls that he talked to from a long time ago and he doesnt know how they got there or why they were there (trust me they were not in his contacts and they just didnt magically appear) well i emailed these girls and one of the girls emailed me back saying that he must of emailed her from a site where she posted an add wanting to meet someone..she said she got 60 emails from guys and asked what his email address wasso maybe she would remember, well i gave her his email add. and she told me she remembered him emailing her & they only talked a few times..she also said she set up a hotmail account for that ad only & that he could only have it from that ad... my bf told me that he talked to her but it was b4 him & i...and she must have been from match, but this girl is from a totally diff. site..i just dont know who to believe, i dont know if she is lieing or him. we are suppose to move in together at the end of the month. he has professed his love for me sooo many times and cried and done everything he could do for me in our relationship lately...im so confused..can anyone help make sense of this?

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Call me a pessimist, but I think when a person you're dating starts crusing dating sites, it's time to throw in the towel. I've been seeing this more and more these days, and for some reason, people tend to put up with it. Would you put up with him going out to bars and trying to pick up girls there?


Whether or not anything sketchy has happened is beside the point. The truth is, you will probably never know the truth because neither of them will tell you.


It's blatantly obvious that you don't trust him, otherwise you wouldn't snoop through his personal data when he's not around. Is that really the type of relationship you want to have? It must feel terrible to result to snooping because you trust someone so little, that you're sure that you'll find something bad (which has proven to be true).


I just think that life is too precious to waste time in relationships that cause so much doubt and unhappiness. From what I've experienced, being in both bad and good relationships, a man who is truly in love with you will not contact strange girls on dating sites. I'd bail and have some good, single-girl time to myself. When you're with the *right* person, you won't question their motives and will know that they would never do anything to hurt you.

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you are right. the problem is, i actually started to trust him and we were doing sooooo great! i wasnt goign thru his emails and visa versa. i know when he goes out he doesnt hit on girls, but i guess im confused about what to do..why would he try so hard to win me back yesterday & also ask us to move on together & move forward in our relationship?

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How old are you both?


It's undeniable that relationships hit serious rough patches. If these things truly were in the past and he hasn't spoken to these online girls since he's been with you, then I'm pretty sure that it would be easy to put behind you.


That said, how would you know for sure? That's the thing with trust. If you don't trust someone, there are always lingering 'questions' about a person's integrity. I was once with a guy who I trusted so little, that I couldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Not worth it, and it certainly didn't qualify as "love".


You two need to have a long talk and be completely honest with each other, if you plan on 'moving forward'. Adding new levels of commitment to a relationship will not automatically solidify the trust between you. Be clear with him that you expect honesty, and that includes staying off of dating websites while he's in a relationship with you. He has absolutely no right to be there if he asks you to be by his side.

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we are both 28! we have had a long talk and he addmitted to that thing he did 5 months ago (which i kinda dont blame him cuz i was kinda talking to guys and telling them i would "work" for them for money, etc.) but anyway that was in the past. we talked yesterday/last night and for some reason i do believe he may be telling me the truth but again theres that doubt... he told me things ive never heard anyone tell me about love, etc. i would really like to move on, i asked him to be completely honest with me and he said over and over he was. the first time he did that i think was out of spite..and he did tell me the truth about it..im confused! not sure to believe this girl that posted an ad looking for sex! well she told me she posted that, but then told me she posted a diff. ad later. ????

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he also says that i needed to trust in him and look into my heart and soul to see if i really believe that he could do this to me after all we have been thru together. i truley believe he loves me, but im just so confused, erghhh!

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Well, I don't blame you nor him for having trust issues with each other. It was wrong of you to chat with guys online and it was wrong of him to chat with girls online. This is a hard one. The only thing you can do is prove to him that you have changed, and ask that he do the same. I would not, however, move in together until the both of you start acting like mature, monogamous adults.

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No there's nothing wrong with meeting on match! (I've just never had luck on online dating... bleah!)


The reason I asked tho, is it sounds you are a very "online" couple--email, chat, internet...


But I do have a comment, that you can think about: going through other people's messenger logs, email accounts, and otherwise checking out their very personal stuff--that's not for me. It shows to me, a big lack of trust, or at least an overburgeoning curiosity. I don't want to sound high and mighty--I've had my bouts of doubt, and shown up at my ex's house (when we were dating), because of my suspicions of her cheating (turns out a guy WAS there... lol). I guess if you both have a completely open-ness about email/chat sessions, its no problem. But again, it all comes down to trust, if ya can't trust them, there's nothing you can do (police their computers, online activity, etc) that will help you trust them more. I hope that isn't too unclear...!

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yes that makes very good sense. thanks for you input and sorry to hear about your ex. i just wonder sometimes if there are any really true good kind hearted people out there. we both work on a comuputer all day long and he is some genius type guy that knows everything about them..anyway, besides all the internet crap we are wonderful together..

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I still don't trust him as far as I could throw him.


I think that bogus line about "looking into your heart and soul and really thinking about whether he could do such a thing after all you've been through" is just a manipulation on his part to turn it around on you and make it seem like your fault that you don't trust him.


The fact is, he did do it. And you know it. And you yourself have showed some pretty reprehensable behaviour as well. Relationships based on mistrust never last, you have to be able to trust someone or there is no relationship.


I think he's playing you like a fiddle and you are letting him.

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Absoloutely, I wouldn't say so if I didn't think it.


And I have been where you are, where the evidence is right in front of my face but because I am in love with the guy I choose to close my eyes or look the other way and believe his line of BS.


Come on, you caught him with these women's names on his list, a woman you talked to that told you she placed an ad, what difference does it make whether the ad was for sex, of for friendship? Bottom line is he claims to be committed to you and yet he is still shopping for other women.

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but you are not cleared of any blame in the relationship either, what the heck where you doing soliciting yourself to male friends while you were supposed to be with someone?


And what gives you the right (either of you) to snoop through each other's email?


Why would you even want to be in such a distrustful relationship?

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I'm sorry if I sound harsh, it just seems pretty obvious to me that he is still looking around for other women. Think about it, where did he meet you?


A relationship that started out with mistrust and has just escalated from there doesn't seem worth it to me.


Doesn't that little voice in the back of your head, the one that tells you to snoop in his email etc to find out what he's up to, tell you everything you need to know about the security of this relationship?


...after that we committed our selves to each other and i thought everythign was goign good..


Do YOU really believe that???

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He's probably begging you to stay with him because he's afraid of being alone. This is not to say that he doesn't love you, it's just that some people panic when they think of living their lives alone, with no companion.


You will probably hear some people say, "some people just need to feel wanted, or that they are still attractive, which is why they put themselves out there on dating sites". Heck, I even know guys who go out and get phone numbers just to see if they can while in relationships. This isn't right - these same people would probably have a fit if they knew their boyfriend/ girlfriend was doing the same thing. Chances are extremely good that, if something would destroy you to know about, it would destroy them too.

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so you believe he just doesnt want to be alone? or do you think maybe this girl is lieing tome? she doesnt have proof but this is just tearingme up, i want to stay with him, but how do i know he is telling me the truth?


The girl has no reason to lie to you, she doesn't even know you. The person that is lying to you if your bf. Why is he lying? Who can say? Like Ocean Eyes said, maybe he has low self esteem and needs to feel like he can get a woman any time he wants or needs to.


Regardless of what his reason is, he is telling you that the two of you are exclusive, and yet he is still looking for other women online. It's disrespectful to the commitment he made to you, and it's bordering cheating, if he is telling these women that he is single and chances are he is or they wouldn't give him the time of day.


How much are you willing to put up with?


You obviously don't trust him and for good reason.

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and it's bordering cheating, if he is telling these women that he is single and chances are he is or they wouldn't give him the time of day.


I actually would consider this cheating. Why would someone put themself out there as being single if they didn't intend on following through on some kind of offer, should it happen?


Rebecka, I can tell that you don't really want to believe that your boyfriend can't be trusted. I will say it again: people in relationships and marriages have absolutely NO RIGHT to be on dating sites. There is no excuse, or any type of justification that would make it acceptable or 'okay'.


The bottom line is that YOU are the one who has to live with your boyfriend, and with the decision you make. We can't tell you anything with certainty, because the only person who knows the truth is your boyfriend (and it doesn't seem like he's giving it to you straight).


Do you really want to keep wondering when the next time is that you'll find him on link removed? Once the trust has been broken, it's just never the same, no matter how hard you try.

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Hope75 wrote:

and it's bordering cheating, if he is telling these women that he is single and chances are he is or they wouldn't give him the time of day.



I actually would consider this cheating. Why would someone put themself out there as being single if they didn't intend on following through on some kind of offer, should it happen?


Good point, Ocean Eyes. I doubt he is searching for these women for the great conversation.


She is no saint either though, the morals in this relationship on both sides seem to be pretty lax.

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