moving out together....is it right? Help me please!!!

[smorgie]

Me and my bf have been together on and off for about a year and a half. We have recently planned to move out together in september. There are a few issues between us though, and today we got into a fight and and everything has come tumbling down. Here are our problems. Most of the time our relationship is cool. We'll hang out one or two times a week, and talk every day. Here's the thing though, he has moodswings that are all over the place. And he expects me to relize whats up and act accordingly.

 

So example would be our fight today...yesterday we spent all day together, it was awesome, we both agree it was a great day...then the night came, and i asked if it was cool if i stayed over and just left for work in the morning from his place. He said it was fine....i even double checked asking "are you sure??? i don't want to hear tomorrow that it wasn't cool that i stayed tonight" and he still claimed it was cool. Wake up this morning, go to work, and when i get off i call him to say hi. So there isn't an answer on his home phone so i call his cell. Still no answer. I leave it for a bit. Now I needed to ask him a question about borrowing a pair of steeltoe shoes for a job i'm doing tomorrow. So i call again and leave a message about it. An hour goes by and i log on msn....and he's online...so i message him and say hi....no answer...so i call him....he answers.

 

Now that I am writing this, maybe this IS clingy.....but i didn't really feel that way at the time.... The thing is, once I feel that he might be "avoiding" me....i almost have it in my head to get ahold of him.

 

Anyways...he answers very grumpy and i ask him about the shoes and he says that he'll try to get them. Then i ask him whats wrong and he explodes !!! He says that i shouldn't have stayed over last night, that our "date" should have ended and i should have gone home. I told him that i asked him twice, and his response is that i should just know, and not ask him to answer questions like that, he doesn't want the responsiblity, i should just know. And why am i calling him the next day if we just spent the whole previous day together. My thought was that, he's my best friend and i wanted to tell him about my day. But he feels different. Then he says that we shouldn't move intogether because he cant see our relationship surviving under one roof.

 

I told him that i didn't want to give an ultimatum, but whats the point then if we don't move out in sept, there really isn't a point of being together, cause then we won't be moving our relationship forward.

 

The thing is...he gets grumpy and irritable unexpectadly....and then its like a trap that i walk into...and if i'm cheery and he's grumpy, it irritates him more. He ends up making me feel badly, and i have a hard time walking away and giving him his space cause i come after him wanting an apology.

 

We both agree that we have issues that should be resolved before we move in, because in whatever form of fight, its the same stuff we're fighting about. What should I do??? Whats a good way of seperating myself from him so i'm not so clingy?

[ReadyorNot]

I think the things he said to you were just awful...

 

I was typing stuff here, but then decided to delete it... I am speachless really.

 

I dont think its fair the way he is acting... my bf has flipped like that in the past (hopefully we are past all that immaturity now) and I have just stayed with him because at the time I was too stupid to leave, but luckily it has all worked out... so your bf might just be angry, but will still want to move out with you in September, but he said some really mean things to you, and you deserve better... maybe you should think about what you want and maybe move on....

[melrich]

I wouldn't move in with him yet. These problems will only be magnified if you are living together.

 

He sounds like a pretty self-centred sort of guy and I don't think he is ready yet for the compromises involved with living with someone else.

[smorgie]

i would tend to agree. I'm not one to particularly defend his actions. When we started going out things it was particularly bad, and we separated due to the fact that he was pretty selfish and couldn't express his frustrations without making me feel like I was a bad person. In January after a 5 month split we reconciled on the demand that he attend personal councilling and anger management. On the flip side i've learned not to take his outbursts as personally as before.

 

Thats alot of the reason why I'm in a bit of a crisis. Because I do see drastic improvements and he definatly is trying. He does do alot of good, alot of the time....but when situations like this arise, i'm left shaking my head wondering what i did wrong. (even though i relize i did NOTHING wrong)

 

Are there any ways i can approach him and talk about his selfishness without looking like someone whose pointing a finger in his face and telling him he's all wrong???

[smorgie]

Also...if i/we decide that he's not ready for that type of commitment....is there a point in still going out? I don't think i'm ready to leave him (even if i do understand that he's not ready) but then, if we can't take the next logical step in our relationship, should i still be with him?

[Hope75]

Take it from me, living with someone takes ALOT or patience and understanding, compromise, and the ability to talk things out and not "flip out" with these childish little outbursts he keeps having.

 

I lived with someone for 5 years and then someone else for 2 years and it ended in Nov, we are now back together and just talking about maybe moving back in together, but it's work and it's hard, you are sharing a tremendous amount of responsibility with each other. It is not as glamorous as you might think. It's trash and bills, dishes and laundry, mowing the lawn and painting, his family, your family, etc.

 

He really needs to get these issues under control before you consider getting a place with him. It is only going to get worse, and God forbid you sign a lease and are stuck with him for a year after you realize that it isn't working.

 

It's up to you if you feel you need to leave him if you aren't moving in together. Personally I don't see it as a reason to break up, if the goal is to give him more time to continue counselling and try to get a handle on his anger, and then later consider moving in, but it's really up to you what you are willing to invest in someone who seems to be pretty unstable.

[socalguy123]

He sounds selfish, irresponsible, and very inconsiderate. And, very immature. He can't own up to his decisions, and is pretty passive aggressive. If you think you can put up with that every day, go ahead--but I don't recommend it. It sounds like you're clear with your communication, saying exactly what you think and feel. He, on the other hand, doesn't seem secure enough, or stable enough, to know what he wants and be happy and stick with his decisions.

 

Moving in with him is a mistake. Moving in with someone takes a big commitment. Commitment doesn't happen or become more deep due to living together, due to a "default status". One of my ex's, the only one I keep in touch with, she moved in with a guy after 5 months of dating, because they guy's lease came up. But they didn't really decide, as a couple, that this was an important step in furthering their relationship. So the move was immature at best.

 

Don't waste your time moving in with him. Maybe he'll appreciate you alittle more, also, if you decide to keep your distance.

 

Best wishes!

[RayKay]

I would say that moving in with him at this point is NOT a good idea. Even the first line in your post (that you are on and off again) to me sent up big red flags.

 

Moving in together will not solve these problems, and will in fact heighten and worsen them. I mean, is he going to also complain you spent the night in your OWN place? But living together also brings in all these little daily realities that at this moment you don't have to deal with while you see each other for dates alone. There is cleaning, bills, how to spend time together, apart, who makes the bed, what if he leaves the dishes around and you want them put away, who is going to buy the groceries, who will cook, and what are you going to cook.

 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living with my partner, but for us we were both sure, not having these issues, were committed to one another, and ready. We have our "moments" but we are both patient, communicative and respectful of one another to work things through - it takes compromise, and it does not sound like your bf is there yet!

 

A bigger concern is that he does not see the relationship surviving if you live together - big red flag there! It sounds like he is not sure he really WANTS this yet, and if that is the case it might be better to wait. As to whether to continue or not, that is your choice - but I think before you live together you need to both be SURE that you want to, and are prepared and have the same goals. And I think the same things hold true about whether you both want to continue this relationship.

 

If you are always fighting about the same things, my guess is you are not addressing the REAL issues that are at play. This takes communication and trying to truly figure out what the real issue is...don't fight about "surface issues" as the real problems never get discussed then and reappear over and over.

 

I do have another question though that I just thought of - have either of you lived on your OWN apart yet. As in indepedent, not with family, and on your own? I think doing so would be extremely beneficial before moving in together, as it really teaches you a lot about independence, responsibility and makes you better prepared for when it is time to live with an SO.

[smorgie]

Just wanted to thank you....I've talked it over with my boyfriend, and we've decided to go to councilling to work things out, and go from there. I told him there I wasn't going to commit to moving out with him until we sort through our problems. So unless our issues are worked out, we're gonna hold off till later on.

 

I'm still living at home, but his lease is up, and thats why we were going to move in together....but now we're working on plan B.

[Hope75]

Smorgie,

 

I think you are making a wise decision. Just because a lease is up is not a good reason to move on together. I think the fact that he is willing to go to counselling is a good sign, hopefully it will do both of you good and help steer you in the right direction.

 

Best of luck!