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Complained about my cooking, AITA?


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So last night I made dinner. It’s a traditional meal from my culture that I don’t get to make often because my partner says he hates it (he is from a different ethnic background). I told him I was craving it and he said I could make it as long as I put sausages and dumplings in it. I was too tired to make the dumplings and I forgot the sausages because they don’t typically go in this dish. Everyone loved dinner and complimented how great it was. Not my partner though. He first complained that there was no more watercress. I apologised and asked him to keep his voice down because his cousin and his niece had shown up and I offered them some food to and he was being really loud about it but he wouldn’t. Then he asked in a demanding tone why there were no dumplings and sausages in it. I told him I forgot the sausages and couldn’t be bothered with the dumplings. He said I forgot the sausages last time (when I made it for my dads birthday and had to make it in the biggest pot I’ve ever seen). He said that I was doing it on purpose. I told him that’s not the case. He was still upset and so I waited for him to calm down a bit. When I thought he was calm I tried to tell him that I’m upset about what happened and how he treated me over dinner. He laughed in my face when I told him this and I told him that I’m glad he found it funny because I wanted to cry. He defended his reactions and went back to being angry at me. We haven’t spoken since last night and I slept in my son’s bed. This is now the second pitiful fight we have had this week and I am drained by it. 

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He sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.  TSince he doesn't like what you've cooked,  he can prepare his own separate meals from now on. 

He doesn't feel for you.  He's very mean. 

Don't cook for him anymore unless he gives you a sincere apology.  Cook for yourself and your son ONLY.  Don't make enough for your partner.  Let him fend for himself.  He's on his own. 

 

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Sorry about this. 

I'm curious: Is the way he reacted over the food generally in line with his personality and your relationship dynamic, or not? Or, more bluntly: Is he often testy and loud in public, mean to you in front of others, disrespectful of your culture, and prone to quickly becoming enraged when he doesn't get his way?  

I ask because his behavior, as outlined, is inexcusable. If it's in a vacuum—okay, maybe there is more going on here, outside stressors, who knows, some critical connection points that need to be cleaned off. But if this is a general pattern with him—well, that's different and much more concerning. 

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I forgot to mention we do take turns cooking. We each have our nights. I don’t often like what he cooks wither but I appreciate the nights off.  But yes you are right, he was very spoiled with food choices as a child. If he didn’t like what his parents were eating they got something he did like… this could be an option that we each cook for ourselves and take turns cooking for the rest of the family. 

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11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

He sounds like an ungrateful spoiled brat.  TSince he doesn't like what you've cooked,  he can prepare his own separate meals from now on. 

He doesn't feel for you.  He's very mean. 

Don't cook for him anymore unless he gives you a sincere apology.  Cook for yourself and your son ONLY.  Don't make enough for your partner.  Let him fend for himself.  He's on his own. 

 

 

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this. 

I'm curious: Is the way he reacted over the food generally in line with his personality and your relationship dynamic, or not? Or, more bluntly: Is he often testy and loud in public, mean to you in front of others, disrespectful of your culture, and prone to quickly becoming enraged when he doesn't get his way?  

I ask because his behavior, as outlined, is inexcusable. If it's in a vacuum—okay, maybe there is more going on here, outside stressors, who knows, some critical connection points that need to be cleaned off. But if this is a general pattern with him—well, that's different and much more concerning. 

He is not generally a loud person, last night was odd behaviour for him but like I said, this is our second petty fight this week. He does get angered by what I consider silly things. I feel like it’s something else that’s bothering him but I don’t know what it is

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4 minutes ago, AdviceAppreciated said:

I forgot to mention we do take turns cooking. We each have our nights.

 Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together? How old is he? Is he a heavy drinker? Does he resent your more collective culture such as your family being there a lot?

Why are you cooking for him or believe it's your "job" with "nights off"? This is not about dumplings or watercress or sausages, it's a power struggle that gets manifested through this. 

 Stop arguing over culinary nonsense and figure what the real issues are.

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Your partner is reminiscent of my late father.  He was an only son.  He had a sister.  His younger brother was stillborn.  My grandmother coddled and spoiled her son.  (I'm not saying only children are spoiled nor only sons are spoiled.  I'm referring to my late father here.)  Hence,  my poor mother had to cook separate meals for her husband and for her children because my father refused to eat what we ate.  If she didn't acquiesce, he punched her teeth out.  😡  😪

Don't cook for your partner.  Go on strike.  Make just enough food for you and your son and eat earlier.  When your partner is hungry,  have him scrounge and fend for himself until he gives you a humble apology and starts behaving like a decent human being. 

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4 minutes ago, AdviceAppreciated said:

this is our second petty fight this week.

What was the first about? 

It does sound like there is something else going on here, some urge in him for combat over harmony. What that something is—well, do you have any guesses? 

13 minutes ago, AdviceAppreciated said:

If he didn’t like what his parents were eating they got something he did like… this could be an option that we each cook for ourselves and take turns cooking for the rest of the family. 

This could be a feasible choice—at least if this is really about food. But it seems like something else is stirring here that will likely just find another avenue for airing unless it's directly addressed. 

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OP his behaviour leans on the abusive side. I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound hurt by his actions, and he seems to not care about your feelings.

How is the relationship otherwise? Does he criticize you sometimes? Does he say hurtful things which he then blames on you?

Also, sleeping in your son's bed shows to me that you don't feel emotionally safe or supported next to him. It also shows that there are bigger cracks in this relationship than what you'd like to admit.

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I would do separate cooking.  I can see him thinking you weren't exactly reliable when you promised to include those two ingredients and didn't but that would have been a conversation for later - a normal conversation -curious not furious.  

What I find also can work -take turns making certain staples -like steamed veggies/baked potatoes/a pasta dish.  Keep in tupperware in fridge and you each can take from it as you wish.  

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On one hand I can appreciate being very picky about food and upset; however, the rest of his loutish behavior is unacceptable. If you can't/won't eat the meal one should go find something palatable.

Now if this incident is an anomaly, or there are some other stressors for you both right now then give it some time. I, unfortunately, think this sounds like an escalation of problems in the relationship.

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If I'm understanding you right, it was your turn to cook and you wanted to make what you fancied, but he didn't. The compromise was that he'd be OK with it if you included sausages and dumplings (which sounds like a completely separate meal to me). You "forgot" the sausages and couldn't be bothered with the dumplings.

I can see why your partner was annoyed, but his reaction was inappropriate for the situation. If he wants something different to what you fancy having, then he should make his own meal, but it should be your turn to cook something you both like the following night. 

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19 hours ago, AdviceAppreciated said:

When I thought he was calm I tried to tell him that I’m upset about what happened and how he treated me over dinner. He laughed in my face when I told him this and I told him that I’m glad he found it funny because I wanted to cry. He defended his reactions and went back to being angry at me.

This is what stood out to me. You have a partner that cannot, or will not, put aside a trivial issue for a moment to care about your feelings. Why would you ever tell him how you feel if his response is to laugh in your face and get angry? This alone can be enough to create irreversible damage. What is the point of a relationship if you can’t be honest or share your feelings? This needs to be addressed, and honestly, I think it should be addressed with a therapist. I don’t think he will see the wrong here if he only hears it from you.

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