Asking for a ride to the airport from my boyfriend

[Cherylyn]

Have a calm,  lucid discussion with your boyfriend.  Tell him that both of you need to make an agreement.  He does not need to help you with inconvenient favors and  he will not request you for inconvenient favors as well.  It works both ways.  Make sure both of you are on the same page.  Make a pact.  This way,  in the future,  there is no misunderstanding whatsoever.  Everyone is happy.  😊

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Have a calm,  lucid discussion with your boyfriend.  Tell him that both of you need to make an agreement.  He does not need to help you with inconvenient favors and  he will not request you for inconvenient favors as well.  It works both ways.  Make sure both of you are on the same page.  Make a pact.  This way,  in the future,  there is no misunderstanding whatsoever.  Everyone is happy.  😊

Now this is a great approach. I recommend this.

[lostandhurt]

Wow 51 replies and not so much as a two word response from the OP and she was on 9 hours ago.

Interesting...

OP  What do you think of all the opinions on your situation? 

 Lost

[tattoobunnie]

22 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Do you think some of that may be cultural? 

I ask because it seems more common, from my experience, in Asian communities for people to expect hands on deck for things that could be accomplished on one's own. Other groups too it's fairly common, like FN. I've clashed with an ex and some friends around these kinds of expectations before. 

Oh, good point...my hubs is a white dude though...and he's always been the same way.

I've helped friends move cross country. Over 10 friends move.  And I volunteer my time with two organizations along with a more than full-time job with little kids with special needs. I've always been this way; helping others when I can.  I find so many people in my life have helped me, so I put out the same energy.

So it's not so much that he can't drive her to the airport...it's that he won't.  I could never see a future with someone like that.

[boltnrun]

I think the OP was a one and done. Zero replies from her.

[tattoobunnie]

Sometimes things take a while to sink in.

[Batya33]

Just now, tattoobunnie said:

've helped friends move cross country. Over 10 friends move.  And I volunteer my time with two organizations along with a more than full-time job with little kids. I've always been this way; helping others when I can.  I find so many people in my life have helped me, so I put out the same energy.

So it's not so much that he can't drive her to the airport...it's that

Same here in situations where there is true need.  In this situation he has a job and a true need to be decently rested.  She has other alternatives and chose a flight at this time during the week.  I have been volunteering -including when my son was in preschool - since 1981 on and off. 

I have helped my divorced friend get her stuff out of her ex's apartment, went to my neighborh's home on 15 minutes notice to babysit her infant with pneumonia and an ear infection so she could take uninterrupted work conference calls, called elderly people during the pandemic who lived alone to check up on them and arrange for supplies/deliveries as needed,  and I regularly show up for friends in need in one way or another. 

A few months ago on an hour's notice my husband left our house to go to the airport by subway because our friend's teenage daughter was stuck there when her dad's flight to the airport was cancelled.  I gave him water and snacks to take with him. My husband had planned to take our son somewhere.  I sacrificed by staying home with our son instead of getting true focus on work.  That was true need at an airport. 

I see driving to the airport in this situation as very different.  I see her wanting her boyfriend to sacrifice sleep and potentially hamper his job performance as questionable and concerning.  Especially her motives in trying to test him. To me it's far different than helping friends, family, strangers in need, and doing large and small kindnesses and favors.  It never should be a given to drive someone to the airport in the situation she described.  

I like Cherlyn's later advice a lot.

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

So it's not so much that he can't drive her to the airport...it's that he won't.  I could never see a future with someone like that.

I agree.  His love is conditional and the minute it becomes inconvenient,  he pumps the brakes.  ☹️  He's merely a fair-weathered boyfriend.  I foresee a risky future with someone like that. 

It won't stop here.  In the future,  there's no telling when you'll need him to help you and he'll refuse yet again.  You can't count on him because he's unreliable.  Beware. 

If both of you agree to make a pact by not helping each other whenever life becomes inconvenient, why bother being with each other?   Real love is responsibility even when it's uncomfortable and  inconvenient.  Sooner or later excuses will run its course.  It's only a matter of time before you're fed up with him.  Just wait and see and let your patience determine the timeline of your conditional relationship. 

[Batya33]

I think there's a spectrum of convenience.  If I had to get up at 3 to take my husband to the aiport and then had a 9am meeting I'd be toast at the meeting.  Not just inconvenient (this is hypothetical -I do not drive).  If it meant I'd have to eat lunch in the car instead of at home which is my strong preference -foodie here who enjoys a peaceful lunch - then yes that's inconvenient and I'm there. 

I used to eat lunch in the car weekly for months with my toddler in the back so I could be dropped of at the hospice care facility where my mother in law was -I'd sit by her for a couple of hours -she never seemed to know I was there - but I was glad to be there especially in case I did see signs of awareness -so my husband could have an emotional break and hang with his father and our son knowing I was there and my MIL who I loved a lot was not alone.

Doing stuff that's inconvenient is essential.  Recognizing boundaries and not burdening people with your own poor choices especially if the person needs is rest is out of the bounds of just inconvenience.  If she returns I'd like to know if she booked this flight with his promise he'd take her given the ungodly hour.  That would then be really rude of him to take back his promise.  

 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think there's a spectrum of convenience.  If I had to get up at 3 to take my husband to the aiport and then had a 9am meeting I'd be toast at the meeting.  Not just inconvenient (this is hypothetical -I do not drive).  If it meant I'd have to eat lunch in the car instead of at home which is my strong preference -foodie here who enjoys a peaceful lunch - then yes that's inconvenient and I'm there. 

I used to eat lunch in the car weekly for months with my toddler in the back so I could be dropped of at the hospice care facility where my mother in law was -I'd sit by her for a couple of hours -she never seemed to know I was there - but I was glad to be there especially in case I did see signs of awareness -so my husband could have an emotional break and hang with his father and our son knowing I was there and my MIL who I loved a lot was not alone.

Doing stuff that's inconvenient is essential.  Recognizing boundaries and not burdening people with your own poor choices especially if the person needs is rest is out of the bounds of just inconvenience.  If she returns I'd like to know if she booked this flight with his promise he'd take her given the ungodly hour.  That would then be really rude of him to take back his promise.  

 

Just ascertain that if she decides to Uber,  there's no way in _______ that she'll inconvenience herself for her boyfriend in the future.  There will come a time when it's his turn to ask her for help and she will clearly remember his refusal to help her in the past.  She should refuse to help him by flatly declining due to either an agreement or mutual limits.  A deal is a deal.  The problem with not helping each other even when it's inconvenient is you never know if you'll need your partner someday and then you'll have to remember, oh wait, I can't ask her because I didn't help her either.  Rats.  As long as you don't mind regrets later, then get all the sleep you desire.  Just remember what goes around comes around and it's not always a wonderful feeling to experience.

I've raced to hospitals at an ungodly hour during the middle of the night for various people in my life, raced back home to pack my sons' lunches,  got them ready for school,  drove them to school,  drank strong coffee or tea AND put in a full day's work.  No excuses,  no complaints.  It's not as if inconvenient favors occur daily.  It's generally only once in a while so I will accommodate special circumstances.  Was I tired?  Yes.  However,  I pulled through and I lived to tell about it.  Nothing that going to bed earlier can't cure to bounce back to a normal routine.  No harm no foul.

I did the same for my late FIL during all hours as he lay dying.  Was I tired?  Absolutely.  Did I say, "I can't!  I need my sleep!"  NO,  I did not.  There were many days when I could be seen wolfing down my lunch on my lap in my car in the hospital's parking lot.  It was inconvenient and it wasn't fun but I did it because it was called doing the right thing. 

I brought home cooked meals to MIL and SIL (sisters-in-law), BIL (brothers-in-law)'s house so they could enjoy comfort food during times of turmoil and tumult before, during and after funeral days.   And, I worked all day.   There can always be a plethora of excuses not to lend a helping hand when needed even if it's a pain in the _______  to do it.

When my MIL needed my help chauffeuring her to her various doctor's appointments, I did it.  I wasn't jumping for joy, it was inconvenient but I did it.  Why?  Because MIL and my late FIL helped me immensely when I needed them back in the day.  They were extremely devoted grandparents to my sons.  It was time to give back. 

As for the OP, it's OK, don't help each other for inconvenient favors and hassles.  However,  it's not a good feeling when some people aren't reliable when you ask for their help and when you need them in a pinch.  Hence,  they sure as _______ better not ask me nor the OP for any inconvenient favors someday because there isn't any desire to jump in and help at all.  Desire is dead. ☹️

[Batya33]

Yes we actually agree in all relevant respects. We disagree that this was her time of need - I don’t think it was - or that this was merely inconvenient- without knowing more I disagree. 
Our examples are so similar! We only disagree that this favor is similar. I certainly think if she had a doctor appointment that’s different especially if she was nervous or didn’t feel well. My husband does so much inconvenient stuff for my son that  I make sure to get myself to my own doctor appointments if I possibly can.  When I had oral surgery they had to pick me up - doctors orders. That was inconvenient and of course thst was a given. When I flew to my home town for my niece’s wedding I never dreamed of asking him to drive me to the airport. He was home with our then toddler.  
I’m a big girl and I scheduled my flight so I could walk to the subway and take it there. A total of 40 minutes. it would have been obnoxious of me to ask him to put my toddler in a car seat and drive us to the airport and back. 
I take an individual approach. Of course they should do favors for each other. Of course they should ask for favors. Of course they should inconvenience each other. To me it’s far more of an individual approach. And I don’t know enough about her ask and his declining. 

[Cherylyn]

I can't tell you how many times I've been inconvenienced by family,  in-laws,   friends,  acquaintances,  spouse,  my late beloved dog,  you name it and help was predominantly inconvenient.  We all prefer NOT to have disruption in our lives but that's not realistic. 

My late FIL drove MIL everywhere because they always wanted to be together and were truly inseparable.  They were always smitten to each other until the day FIL died.  MIL is elderly and can drive.  However, it's not safe for her to drive everywhere by herself.  Since she is frail, rickety and walks very slowly, she's vulnerable to crime such as robbery, purse theft,  carjacking, assaults, etc.  She tore her rotator cuff in her shoulder recently and the doctor ordered no driving.  SIL and BIL (sister-in-law & her husband, my brother-in-law) take turns driving MIL to her appointments,  I help out sometimes even though it's inconvenient and SIL / BIL will take care of MIL's errands such as grocery shopping, drug store,  gas station, clothes shopping, etc. 

Everyone's relationship is different which is fine.  Where I come from,  we help each other whether it's convenient or not.  There are no strings,  no conditions.  Trips to the hospital,  to the doctor,  various appointments anywhere,  airport,  any destination,  preparing home cooked meals for others during tumult,  it runs the gamut.  "Help" doesn't happen daily therefore, rare aid is accommodated and the exception.  We don't complain nor make excuses just because we're inconvenienced.  We do whatever it takes to maintain harmony.  Again, inconvenient help is infrequent so it's not an imposition to do favors for people in my midst.  Majority of days are without incident. 

As for the OP, don't inconvenience each other so feelings are mutual.  Just remember when you need each other whenever it's inconvenient,  don't bother asking because the answer is a resounding "NO" which won't feel like real love.  Something is missing.  Genuine,  real love is responsibility and often times doing what you prefer not doing yet you do it anyway because it's called doing the right thing.  It's the Golden Rule:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

[lostandhurt]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think the OP was a one and done. Zero replies from her.

Yep, see more and more of these lately. I don't even bother to reply if the OP doesn't engage pretty soon after posting.

Lost

[Batya33]

I think they should treat situations individually. I don’t think without knowing more it says anything about him generally. What we know about her is she scheduled a flight at an inconvenient time for people who work during the day.  She didn’t say she checked with him before whether he could drive her given his work schedule.  She didn’t say it was an emergency.  She did say she wanted to test his loyalty. 
I think their talk should focus on individual situations.  If he can’t lose sleep before working up to capacity unless it’s a family emergency or similar he can share that with her. Likewise she should tell him if driving him in bad weather would be inconvenient or too dangerous for her to contemplate.  

So this way they can figure out strengths and weaknesses. Im better at dealing with the inconvenience of scheduling home repairs and waiting for them to arrive.
 

Husband is better at doing tasks that are inconvenient but involve late night emails or planning travel stuff and making calls and sending emails.  

What’s a mere inconvenience to some is harmful or worse for others. I said no to a friend wanting to crash at my place overnight once I was married with a child in a small apartment but said yes when I was single. When I said no I offered to put her up in a hotel. The $ was worth the trouble if would cause us to have an overnight guest and disrupt our son’s sleep when he had school.  
I don’t think it’s fair to label someone as selfish or not willing to inconvenience himself generally when we don’t know the story. I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that she’s generally selfish. 

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Yep, see more and more of these lately. I don't even bother to reply if the OP doesn't engage pretty soon after posting.

Lost

Correct if they haven’t responded after about 5 replies or the next day zero point. 

[Wiseman2]

[Cherylyn]

I'm grateful to have a husband who would never give me excuses not to take me to the airport.  I would do the same for him.  It's only ONE day and ONCE IN A WHILE.  It's not as if these requests occur daily.  Neither of us would be up in arms whining over lost sleep when nothing going to bed earlier wouldn't fix to bounce back to a normal routine for heaven's sake. 

We've taken each other to the hospital during the middle of the night with nary an excuse nor complaint.  Were we tired?  Absolutely.  Did we live to tell about it?  Here we are!  😊

OP, @Puppylover22  good thing he's only your boyfriend.  You've told him that you would've taken him to the airport if there was a role reversal.  Only marry a man who would do the same for you as you would for him. 

If a boyfriend is not willing to give you inconvenient help, let him know that when it's his turn to really and truly need you when it's inconvenient for you, you'll be nowhere to be seen nor heard.  Tell him he is on his own excuses barred.  Same with your husband someday.  Make sure inconvenient help is mutually available or unavailable at all costs.  The problem with this pact is no one can take it back.  Once both parties are even, no one is allowed to ask for inconvenient favors no matter how much either one of you need it so there is a price to pay later which will sting. 

Fortunately,  my husband and I don't have this problem because we can lean on each other.  I always have him to fall back on.  I am incredibly blessed.  He takes good care of me.  💗 (Actually, great care of me.)

[Seraphim]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm grateful to have a husband who would never give me excuses not to take me to the airport.  I would do the same for him.  It's only ONE day and ONCE IN A WHILE.  It's not as if these requests occur daily.  Neither of us would be up in arms whining over lost sleep when nothing going to bed earlier wouldn't fix to bounce back to a normal routine for heaven's sake. 

We've taken each other to the hospital during the middle of the night with nary an excuse nor complaint.  Were we tired?  Absolutely.  Did we live to tell about it?  Here we are!  😊

OP, @Puppylover22  good thing he's only your boyfriend.  You've told him that you would've taken him to the airport if there was a role reversal.  Only marry a man who would do the same for you as you would for him. 

If a boyfriend is not willing to give you inconvenient help, let him know that when it's his turn to really and truly need you when it's inconvenient for you, you'll be nowhere to be seen nor heard.  Tell him he is on his own excuses barred.  Same with your husband someday.  Make sure inconvenient help is mutually available or unavailable at all costs.  The problem with this pact is no one can take it back.  Once both parties are even, no one is allowed to ask for inconvenient favors no matter how much either one of you need it so there is a price to pay later which will sting. 

Fortunately,  my husband and I don't have this problem because we can lean on each other.  I always have him to fall back on.  I am incredibly blessed.  He takes good care of me.  💗 (Actually, great care of me.)

You said the operative word though , HUSBAND. You don’t know if these people even live together, if they have been together long , any circumstances etc. 

[Cherylyn]

Just now, Seraphim said:

You said the operative word though , HUSBAND. You don’t know if these people even live together, if they have been together long , any circumstances etc. 

My boyfriend,  now husband wouldn't have any qualms whatsoever to help me excuses and complaints barred.  Some people are like this whereas others whine, whine, whine to no end.  I'm just glad that I don't have to deal with excuses whenever life becomes a hassle.  These inconvenient favors don't happen everyday either.  Its only once in a while so it's not as if these inconvenient requests are all the time.   

[Seraphim]

Every person who can’t drive someone though isn’t a dirt bag. It’s certainly not nice for her to say well he works from home so what the heck is he doing anyway he can sleep anytime that’s just rude. People who work from home are actually still working. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Every person who can’t drive someone though isn’t a dirt bag. It’s certainly not nice for her to say well he works from home so what the heck is he doing anyway he can sleep anytime that’s just rude. People who work from home are actually still working. 

I can't just leave during my work day and I can't just sign in whenever I want. I also need to be very mentally sharp so I need adequate, good sleep. 

But the OP has not returned so we're just having a "discussion" amongst ourselves lol.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can't just leave during my work day and I can't just sign in whenever I want. I also need to be very mentally sharp so I need adequate, good sleep. 

But the OP has not returned so we're just having a "discussion" amongst ourselves lol.

Me too, my work day starts at 7 AM and ends at 5 PM at NO time can I just pop off and leave, I also can not sleep . If I do either I face criminal abuse charges. People assume if you work from home , well it’s not really work and you can do as you please. Nope, many can’t . 

[Wiseman2]

Sort of like a holding pattern around the airport 🤷😂. Maybe the op came back and read it who knows?

[j.man]

I've been with my wife 8 years, 4 married.  If she decided to book a 4am flight, she'd be taking an Uber. I personally couldn't fathom booking something like that and expecting her to drive me, certainly not for a flight I had weeks to schedule at a reasonable day and time.  Why wouldn't I want her to get a full rest?  Because I'm not?  Sounds petty.  Luckily, it's a non issue as neither of us would do something so goofy.  Being in a relationship isn't a license to arbitrarily inconvenience your partner to your own benefit.  It's every bit as much what you ask of someone as it is what they'd do for you.  

[j.man]

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