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Second date went very bad.. wondering what to do now


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I matched with a woman on a dating app and we started chatting. It went very well and then I got her number

The phone call went well and I asked her if we can meet for drinks. She agreed and we met that weekend. It was really awesome, the date went for exactly 5 hours

I then asked her out for the second date the following weekend and she readily agreed. The plan was to walk on a bridge and then have dinner

I drove to her place (1 hour drive) and picked her up and we headed to the bridge. In just 10 minutes things went south. Apparently what happened was Google Maps showed two different routes but highlighted one (because even though it was longer it took a shorter drive time compared to the other). So, I took that route and she became very mad about it. She started complaining why I was taking the longer route? why I was not entering the bridge through the city? why I did not plan properly? How will we have time to walk the bridge and then be able to make it to the restaurant in time?? I understood that I should have taken the other route but we were already driving.. so I told her "Ok, let's get to the bridge and then figure out things. if required I can make a U turn and get to the original spot on the bridge we planned for" but she was so angry and kept telling "bummer", "this is not cool", "men plan these things.. men always plan things and be prepared. how come you did not plan properly?". I was so turned off and also got very nervous and wished she stopped but she kept going on and on and on (for around 30 minutes continuously)

We finally reached the bridge and walked 3/4th of it. After that she stopped complaining.. we then had dinner at the restaurant but I had completely shut off by this time. I then safely dropped her back home and left. The second date was also around 5 hours but it felt like a nightmare

I am now wondering what to do. I truly enjoyed the first date.. we had also spent around 10 hours together in the two dates. But yet at the same time her behavior in the second date is really making me very concerned

Any thoughts? have any of you had a bad date but continued seeing each other?

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15 minutes ago, SilverFactory said:

the date went for exactly 5 hours

I drove to her place (1 hour drive) and picked her up and we headed to the bridge.

You did a lot right but there were a few mistakes. 

1. long distance.

2. marathon 5 hr first date.

 3. picking her up at her place.

4. not having a better idea for a date especially exactly where to go.

 Make the first couple of dates less intensive. That being said, you're not compatible. This is why 1 and 2 are so important.

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The first few dates—the first few months, really—are all about feeling someone out, and feeling out how you feel around them, as more of their personality surfaces. Seems to me your interest is pretty low now—understandably, as she sounds a bit high maintenance—so really it's up to you. Can only speak from my own experience, but the various routes given by Google tend to only differ by 3 to 8 minutes, so I can't really understand what got under her skin save for something that was already there and had nothing to do with you. 

So: Do you want to see if things even out after a third date, or call it a game now? There's really no wrong answer, since the stakes are very low at this stage, but only the answer that feels truest to you. 

For whatever it's worth, in your shoes I'd be done. As my tone above probably made clear, I have little patience for this sort of whining and drama, less patience for wild generalizations about "men" that carry the distinct whiff of unresolved issues, and (most important) even less patience for seeing if I can suddenly be turned on by someone who so quickly turned me off.

But that's just me. You're you, you've spent 10 hours with her; do you want to see what's what after a few more?  

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She must be super hot for you to even come here and ask this question.  Heck I would have turned around and drove her home as soon as she came unglued like that. 

 You are basically a stranger and she treated very badly over absolutely nothing.

This is exactly why you date and get to know people IN PERSON, not texting or any electronic device.

No need to be polite and give her a reason why you don't want to continue seeing her, just let it fade and stay positive that there are wonderful and understanding women out there.

  PS I actually did turn the car around once on a date, she changed her tune really fast.  Turns out no guy had ever called her on her attitude.  Turned out to be a nice evening and I got an apology to boot.

 Remember you teach people how to treat you.

 Lost

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Thanks everyone for the replies

Just some additional details here - for the first date my plan was only to spend 1 hour (drinks). But while we were having drinks she told "we can walk around after drinks, have dinner". So the date kinda extended.. after drinks, we walked around, went to a book store, and then had pizza. The whole date ended up being 5 hours, but I really had a good time

For the second date I actually asked her for drinks and a movie but she said how about we do something in the city. So, I proposed walking on a bridge and then do dinner

The problem is you can enter the bridge through the city (traveling North) or you can enter from the South without touching the city. Google maps suggested entering from the South because it was 8 minutes faster and in a haste I took that route and started driving

I have to agree that it was a mistake because only by traveling up North you can reach the specific spot on the bridge where its possible to park the car. So I take responsibility for that. But I did not expect her to become so mad about that. She started worrying if there would be enough time to walk the bridge and then make it to the restaurant for dinner... she was also super irritated that I didn't go through the city. I said "I understand, but how about we reach the bridge and I can make a U-turn and get back up North and get to the spot to park" and she was like "men make plans.. they always have everything planned.. how come you didn't plan properly? why did you pick this route instead of the other?". If she made that comment just once or twice it would still be ok but she kept going on and on and on.. the constant criticism for around 30 minutes hit a nerve. I asked her why she is so upset about this and she said "I am a Virgo. I make detailed plans for everything and get very upset if things don't go according to plans"

After all this drama we did end up reaching the bridge, parked the car, walked 3/4th of it, and made it to the restaurant on time. That's when she stopped the criticisms (she did complain we only covered 3/4th)

The reason why I continued with the date is because it was me that asked her for the second date and it was my decision to pick her up. So I didn't want to abruptly end things.. I just wanted to finish the date as decently as possible and think things later

Also, I am now 47 years old and never been married. She is 38. So, I was hoping that things go well but unfortunately this does not look like a situation that can be salvaged

By the end of the date she started telling me "I was not criticizing you, I was criticizing Google Maps because it put you on the other longer route..". She also said we could get another drink once we reach her city.. I don't know why she said all that after being so mad at me

 

 

 

 

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SilverFactory, in my imagination if she were into you she would have found a way to make fun out of the situation.  Criticizing gmaps, snapping on gps algorithms, etc. but not YOU or MEN.  That's how you make lemonade out of lemons, not by harping on your date.

When you think about it, she could have had you convulsing with laughter instead of cringing...

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When my future husband and I met after 7 years mostly apart (saw each other once during that time almost 2 years previous and emailed once or twice a year, more in the previous year) - we decided on a restaurant with a common name.  Except he didn't realize there were two of the same name -different owners- about 10 blocks apart. 

So he arrived at our restaurant about 20 minutes late (I didn't have a cell phone in 2005 lol) and all sweaty lol (summer time/rushing....).  And he's a sweaty person lol.  I just thought it was the funniest thing and he was so apologetic.  And did I mention sweaty? Did I care he was all rumpled and sweaty and late? No of course not - (and I didn't realize we'd be into each other again -this was a platonic dinner). He's a man with a plan that got a bit waylaid.  

He also had a great plan to be at the birth of his son.  Is there any plan more important to any man? But, his son had other plans and decided to come early. While we were 800 miles apart.  So he was there - after I got the epidural, after 15 hours of labor mostly on my own. 

Again -life is so full of stuff like this -what I wrote is fairly typical and -put in perspective -relatively minor (unlike when he realized he bought the wrong Disney passes and he might have to disappoint our son - again we did not have any argument about it -I did not criticize him -because relationships require humility and I am darn sure I could have made the exact same mistake and felt just as awful!)

I am not always the most patient person (unlike my more patient husband) but relationships are hard enough if you're gonna sweat the small stuff.  Was this the only time to walk over the bridge? I mean what the heck??  She's got issues, k?  You dodged a bullet.  This was her first impression stuff -wow. (And she's too old too to behave like this -my husband and I were late 30s when we got back together as a point of reference). 

 

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Hi Batya,

Exactly my point. I really did not understand what was there to get so upset about?

I told her "even if we cannot walk the entire bridge we can walk around half way" and she was like "arghhh.. you TOLD we would walk the bridge. and now you are telling this.. this is not cool.. this is such a bummer!!"

We ended up walking 3/4th of the bridge and that's when she stopped her criticisms.. we also made it to the restaurant (an expensive one at that) on time

I feel sad because we had such a good time during the 1st date (or meet, since we met through an app) and I thought there is so much potential

Oh well...

 

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9 minutes ago, SilverFactory said:

Hi Batya,

Exactly my point. I really did not understand what was there to get so upset about?

I told her "even if we cannot walk the entire bridge we can walk around half way" and she was like "arghhh.. you TOLD we would walk the bridge. and now you are telling this.. this is not cool.. this is such a bummer!!"

We ended up walking 3/4th of the bridge and that's when she stopped her criticisms.. we also made it to the restaurant (an expensive one at that) on time

I feel sad because we had such a good time during the 1st date (or meet, since we met through an app) and I thought there is so much potential

Oh well...

 

She wanted her fancy dinner was her point . 

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4 minutes ago, SilverFactory said:

Hi Batya,

Exactly my point. I really did not understand what was there to get so upset about?

I told her "even if we cannot walk the entire bridge we can walk around half way" and she was like "arghhh.. you TOLD we would walk the bridge. and now you are telling this.. this is not cool.. this is such a bummer!!"

We ended up walking 3/4th of the bridge and that's when she stopped her criticisms.. we also made it to the restaurant (an expensive one at that) on time

I feel sad because we had such a good time during the 1st date (or meet, since we met through an app) and I thought there is so much potential

Oh well...

 

So when I met men through dating sites or any which way -for a first date my expectations were: hopefully we'll have a pleasant time and if we like each other and he asks me out for another date time and place then I will expect he'll show up for the next date. If he doesn't there is no next date unless and until he calls.  Off the radar, bye.  I kept my feet on the ground and didn't let myself go to those 'wow I'm crazy about him" places. 

Because I wanted to get married, not get caught up in some fantasy based on a first date and be off in la la land instead of pounding the pavement to go to another singles event or volunteer activity or religious retreat, club med resort or a blind date my cousin's friend's friend set me up on.  I wasn't negative just realistic -keep your expectations in check.  Dating requires a really thick skin and boy did I need that persistence in my 24 years on and off of dating until 2005.  

Flexibility and changes in plans are key.  No it's not ok to be late and not apologize or be late or unreliable but how many times are you going to arrive at a restaurant to find out it closed early/closed for good/had a flood/is out of their signature dish, etc.

How often are you going to be on vacation in a foreign country and end up wandering the streets instead of finding that historical landmark or lovely park the guide book said was a must see or that special gelato place that's supposed to be phenomenal? When you're hangry and /or jet lagged and or sleep deprived?

I mean again that's life -and your flexibility is required too -if you're going to date realize that man plans and god laughs - you can have all these expectations based on a profile or your Aunt Shirley telling you what a catch her neighbor's cat sitter is, or a woman you see across a crowded room at a bar - but that's getting in your own way.  Enjoy dating as much as possible and treat each date as a fun outing and your last one unless and until there's another time and place plan.  Don't plan your kids' names or how you will hyphenate last names. Or not.  Good luck!

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4 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

So, I took that route and she became very mad about it. She started complaining why I was taking the longer route?

She has the right to be mad when things don't go according to her plans. However, if she's already incessantly whinging on date number 2 over you having taken a longer route by accident, imagine how she could potentially behave further down the line when serious difficulties arise.

As everyone else suggested, run.

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4 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

So, I took that route and she became very mad about it. She started complaining why I was taking the longer route? why I was not entering the bridge through the city? why I did not plan properly? How will we have time to walk the bridge and then be able to make it to the restaurant in time?? I understood that I should have taken the other route but we were already driving.. so I told her "Ok, let's get to the bridge and then figure out things. if required I can make a U turn and get to the original spot on the bridge we planned for" but she was so angry and kept telling "bummer", "this is not cool", "men plan these things.

This is just too much!

She has shown her true self in this 2nd date!  Run!

Now you see how toxic can be.  😉 

Oh, and if she wants to Btch n complain about anything else eg.  Why?  Don't you want to see me anymore? *smiff* 😕 .. Just ignore all of it. ( No response or reason necessary).

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You didn't make a mistake taking a different route, it was just not the route she wanted you to take and she blew up about it.  If she is that inflexible over this simple little thing could you imagine something more important?  I hope she isn't somebodies boss.

  You had two dates and it didn't work out and at your age I am sure you have been on a few of these dates before.  She seems like the type to blow up and then play it off instead of apologizing. Not a very good trait to have.

Her behavior in no way was your fault.  What is that saying?  Slow to anger and quick to forgive

Well she was quick to anger and just as quick to criticize.

Being alone is preferable than dating her

Lost

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5 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

By the end of the date she started telling me "I was not criticizing you, I was criticizing Google Maps because it put you on the other longer route..".

Horse manure. 

She was absolutely criticizing you. She is rude and impatient, and I would be curious to hear why you even wanted to see her again after that. 

Look inside yourself there and ask where you standards went. She's a headache and not worth a third date. 

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12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would be curious to hear why you even wanted to see her again after that. 

Look inside yourself there and ask where you standards went. She's a headache and not worth a third date. 

I have to be honest here... the reason is because I am desperate. I am 47 years old, never had a girlfriend, and still not married. That's why I was still wondering if it was ok to get past this date from hell and see if things can be salvaged

Also, one of my friends told me "dude, you are already 47 years old.. so what if she behaved rudely? you did make a mistake and that is why she over-reacted.. everyone deserves a second chance. ask her for another date and see if things change this time. no harm in giving it a shot.. otherwise you are just going to be single and you will soon be 50 years old" 

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