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I’m at a loss


mikroula
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My fiancé has outbursts. The latest incident is where he drove me to the airport today. He had previously expressed negativity at taking me and had told me I should either drive myself there or get a taxi. I argued against this as everytime he has needed a lift to the airport I have taken him no questions asked.

anyway so I drove us there and he was going to drive himself back. Mid way he got an email from work ( he is a founder of his own company) that caused him to lose him temper and unleash a torrent of abuse about how this is all my fault and I’m a c*nt and a b***h and a few other choice words whilst he screamed and yelled and banged around in the car. I tried to keep calm as he has these outbursts when he feels stressed sometimes and as I was on the motorway I wanted to make sure we were both safe.

When we got to the airport he turns and says ‘I’m sorry are you going to break up with me?’ I said no and then he went on to blame me saying his behaviour is because I was selfish in wanting to be driven to the airport like a princess and now me wanting to move house ( we live in this tiny cottage and as we both work from home) and how I want all the time. Yes I have said I will buy a new car ( with my own money! I am the main breadwinner anyway) as I need my own car. He just went on and on about how demanding I am etc.

this isn’t the first time he has had these outbursts. Mainly they happen when things happen and he can’t control them but the behaviour is very similar to a five year old having a temper tantrum. Jumping up and down. Screaming very loudly  and generally behaving in a way where I don’t quite know whether to laugh or cry.

I just don’t know what to do or what to think. Does anyone have any advice?

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11 minutes ago, mikroula said:

he can’t control them

Yes he can.

Does he behave this way with his clients? With his employees? If not, he has chosen you to abuse because he knows you'll take it. I bet you even tell him you love him after he gives you a fake apology and then proceeds to blame you.

He keeps you around because he likes to abuse. Bonus is you financially support him even if he does bring in some money.

The big question is, how many more years of abuse do you want? Ten? Twenty?

And "But I LOVE him!!!" doesn't solve your problem. The problem IS him.

I recommend leaving him unless twenty more years of this appeals to you. You're self sufficient, you don't need him.

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Leave him. He is mentally unstable and toxic. Staying with him will damage you psychologically and he will possibly hurt you physically. Never see or speak to him again.  Get away from him, bar him from your life completely and permanently and don’t ever look back. 

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OMG. 😯 Run for the hills!  Don't marry him!

He  has major anger management issues!  He's selfish and lacks self control.  Most of all, his tyrannical behavior will only grow worse the longer you're engaged and married to this monster! 🤬

I hate to tell you this but your fiance is reminiscent of my late father.  He gave my poor mother a marriage made in hell before he mercifully died!  He was so cruel to her.  There was nothing worse than children watching their mother suffer so badly in a hopelessly miserable marriage. 

YES breakup with him!   You need to dump him!  Sooner the better! 

 

 

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I am worried that I am being demanding and unsupportive. I know he is under a lot of stress but the house were in at the moment is teeny and I had no say in it. He chose it and I was made to feel like I had no option as it was covid. But now there is not such excuse and I found a wonderful place where the rent is only slightly higher than wheat we’re currently paying.

i don’t understand why he’s so against it. I paid for all the furniture and I supported us for the first year in that house so I feel like it’s about time we now moved and we find someplace where I am also happy. I would never make him live anywhere he doesn’t like but he refuses to move. He’s not good with change and that was another thing he was shouting about in his rant. ‘Why do you have to change everything?’ I get the life of a founder is hard but this isn’t right, right?

I am just constantly being blamed for everything from wanting a new place to live to wanting him to pick up and clean after himself (apparently I’m a nag and I keep telling him off - but that’s because I’m sick of always doing it myself!) I don’t want to be nag. He resent the fact that I refused to have a joint bank account and accuses me of not being a team player. I am happy with having a joint bills bank account but I’m not putting all my savings into one joint bank account! He then goes on and on about how our fortunes will be made by him and his company (I doubt it, it’s been 4 years and it’s still not profitable) and his family ( he comes from a wealthy family and will be able to access a considerable fund from an inheritance fund next year) I have never asked him for anything and I have always paid my own way. I just hate how he labels me as ‘stingy’ because I refuse to pay for first class seats on an airline or to leave ridiculous tips at restaurants. When he is paying it’s always a different story. Yet when I say this he argues so vehemently and i become confused and start questioning myself. 

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The problem is he reacts to anger and frustration by acting in an abusive way towards you.  I mean sure if you were deliberately pushing his buttons -deliberately baiting him -that would be wrong on your part - but as an adult if he decides to drive you to the airport he also decides to be polite and pleasant during the ride even if he regrets his decision.  Or he can say "if I drive you I will feel too annoyed and frustrated so it's better if I don't, ok?" That's on him to communicate to you what his boundaries are, to do all he can to prevent outbursts, to maintain self control. 

Yes in rare instances we probably all lose it and say something hurtful we regret.  Rare.  And in extreme circumstances.  This is not rare -this is a reflection of anger issues, lack of self control, using you as a punching bag.  Why in the world would you accept that sort of treatment?

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'll ask again.

Does he act this way with customers or with employees? Or just you?

Actually he has in the past had complications with staff. He had high staff turnover as he tends to fall out with them and upset them.. so he had never had the outbursts he has with me - not that’s a lie he did once with his COO. He eventually quit too. But never with customers.

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12 minutes ago, mikroula said:

I am worried that I am being demanding and unsupportive. I know he is under a lot of stress but the house were in at the moment is teeny and I had no say in it. He chose it and I was made to feel like I had no option as it was covid. But now there is not such excuse and I found a wonderful place where the rent is only slightly higher than wheat we’re currently paying.

i don’t understand why he’s so against it. I paid for all the furniture and I supported us for the first year in that house so I feel like it’s about time we now moved and we find someplace where I am also happy. I would never make him live anywhere he doesn’t like but he refuses to move. He’s not good with change and that was another thing he was shouting about in his rant. ‘Why do you have to change everything?’ I get the life of a founder is hard but this isn’t right, right?

I am just constantly being blamed for everything from wanting a new place to live to wanting him to pick up and clean after himself (apparently I’m a nag and I keep telling him off - but that’s because I’m sick of always doing it myself!) I don’t want to be nag. He resent the fact that I refused to have a joint bank account and accuses me of not being a team player. I am happy with having a joint bills bank account but I’m not putting all my savings into one joint bank account! He then goes on and on about how our fortunes will be made by him and his company (I doubt it, it’s been 4 years and it’s still not profitable) and his family ( he comes from a wealthy family and will be able to access a considerable fund from an inheritance fund next year) I have never asked him for anything and I have always paid my own way. I just hate how he labels me as ‘stingy’ because I refuse to pay for first class seats on an airline or to leave ridiculous tips at restaurants. When he is paying it’s always a different story. Yet when I say this he argues so vehemently and i become confused and start questioning myself. 

Don't be worried.  Write him off.  He's a reject and if not by you, a reject by other women.  Only desperate women would be engaged and married to him and are you one of them?

Don't understand it.  He's an ____________ .  There is nothing to understand.  He is who he is.  A leopard cannot change its spots.

Let him blame meanwhile dissolve and exit this sham of an extremely dysfunctional, toxic, abusive relationship.  Marry him?  Oh, hell NO! 

Kudos for the separate bank accounts!  I'm glad you dug your heels and stood your ground!  I'm glad you were adamant about this! 

He gaslights you by accusing you of not being a team player.  Gaslighting is deflecting and forcing you to perceive you are the crazy one and not him.  Never fall for this oldest manipulative trick in the book.  He's playing you for a fool.  Never put a penny towards his company.  You need to dump him.

Don't become confused and question yourself and if you do, he successfully gaslit you.  Splash cold water on your face.  Wake up!  Get out  NOW.  Don't waste another minute with this loser. 

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1 minute ago, mikroula said:

Actually he has in the past had complications with staff. He had high staff turnover as he tends to fall out with them and upset them.. so he had never had the outbursts he has with me - not that’s a lie he did once with his COO. He eventually quit too. But never with customers.

That proves he can too help it. He just knows (because you tell him) that he can get away with it with you. And he probably figures employees are dependent on him so he can treat them like trash and they'll just take it. But as you see, they won't. So why do you?

Why are you holding onto this horrible man? Can you give a reason other than "But I LOVE him!!"  or "We've been together for X number of years and I don't want it to be for nothing" or "He has some nice qualities"?

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That proves he can too help it. He just knows (because you tell him) that he can get away with it with you. And he probably figures employees are dependent on him so he can treat them like trash and they'll just take it. But as you see, they won't. So why do you?

Why are you holding onto this horrible man? Can you give a reason other than "But I LOVE him!!"  or "We've been together for X number of years and I don't want it to be for nothing" or "He has some nice qualities"?

Honest truth? I’m scared of not finding anyone after him. I’ve invested a lot in this relationship, moved to another city for him ( which I now love and would be happy to stay in, as I’ve made friends and have a nice little community) but I’m worried about the what after and that coupled with a concern that I’m doing something to cause his behaviour by perhaps being unreasonable or demanding ( it does take two to make a relationship work right) and then the yes unreasonable concern that he’ll be different with someone else thus confirming my fear that maybe yes I al causing this. Because he’s lovely with everyone else. My friends are always slightly surprised when I tell them about some of his behaviour. Which makes me think ‘is it me? Am I the problem? How do I fix it?’

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I also want to ask - does me wanting a new car ( I would pay for it!) really mark me as selfish and not a team player because it’s something for me? He’d have full access to it but in the past when we’ve had arguments I’ve felt trapped as he has taken the car ( which is his) and gone and left me resulting in me having to cancel pre made plans or just not being able to leave the house. I have no family here (my family live abroad) so I find it very isolating not having my own car. Yet he sees it as evidence of me trying to leave him? He has actually mock asked me if me getting a car is the first step to me leaving him. He also resents how I am saving up for a car as it means I’m less willing to splash out on expensive restaurants and I’m being more careful which results in arguments with him saying I’m stingy and how all I care about is myself and I only do things for my own benefit. When I mentioned how I supported us for a whole year while he tried to get his company sorted his argument is that I shouldn’t use that against him and that he bought me very expensive engagement ring.

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He treats you this way because you let him.

And so what if he's nice to some other woman? That doesn't mean he'll be nice to you. You have already established you're willing to allow him to abuse you.

And what would be worse? Being single for a while or a lifetime of abuse? What is it about being single that terrifies you?

And no, it only takes one abuser to kill a relationship. They abuse because they like it. Abusing someone gets them off. Think about that for a while.

 

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Even if this was the last man left on earth, I wouldn't be with him.

Imagine how he would treat your potential future children? Kids can be very demanding, so? They will be little c***s and sh**s? They'll be "good for nothing"?

But even if you don't want kids and that argument doesn't concern you... How will your life be worse if you only have to pick up and clean after yourself, have peaceful mornings, days and evenings, have your own spending/saving habits, have a say in your own needs and decisions for whatever change you'd like, are not being constantly cooked under the pressure of blaming and tantrums?
Sounds pretty decent to me.

15 minutes ago, mikroula said:

moved to another city for him

And you adjusted well and love it and that's amazing. You have community, friends and income.

You have nothing to lose. Except for the trashy fiancé.

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3 minutes ago, mikroula said:

I also want to ask - does me wanting a new car ( I would pay for it!) really mark me as selfish and not a team player because it’s something for me?

Some of your doubts and questions are really concerning. No, you're absolutely not selfish.
Please, get away from this control and abuse.

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It's better to be alone than be with the wrong man.  With all due respect, you are extremely naive.

No, you're not doing anything to cause his tyrannical behavior. 

It only takes two to make a relationship work right if both people are on the same page in earnest.  Your fiance controls you and you allow it.  Stop being his doormat!

He's different with someone else because they're not you!  Of course, he'll be on his best behavior with them!  They're not engaged to him!  They're not about to become his wife!  They don't know his 'Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde' personality the way you do.  Your fiance is downright scary!

No, you're not the problem and no, you can't fix it.  You can't fix stupid.

No, you're not selfish for wanting a new car.  You're paying for it yet he squawks.  Please dump him!

You feel trapped?  You will be far more entrapped should you marry him.  This is only the tip of the iceberg.  Your life will become a pure living hell should you marry him.  Your life will be worse of a nightmare than it already is. 

You need to get out however way you can do it.  Return the ring.  Don't owe him anything.  Get rid of him from your life.

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3 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Some of your doubts and questions are really concerning. No, you're absolutely not selfish.
Please, get away from this control and abuse.

People in abusive relationship are often doubting themselves. For example, he isolated her as any abuser does, so her having a car would mean she has a means to travel to city when he isnt around, hang around people and maybe escape. But he convinced her that they dont need a car so she could depend on him with excuse how she isnt a "team player" if she does that. "Abusee" is frequently on dependent side of "abuser". Because abuser nurtures that kind of relationship with them where they cant escape so easily. So what she is experiencing is "normal" for somebody who is in abusive relationship.

OP, if you value your mental health, leave that guy as soon as possible. From what you say, he is an abuser by all counts and you need to get out of there.

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13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

People in abusive relationship are often doubting themselves. For example, he isolated her as any abuser does, so her having a car would mean she has a means to travel to city when he isnt around, hang around people and maybe escape. But he convinced her that they dont need a car so she could depend on him with excuse how she isnt a "team player" if she does that. "Abusee" is frequently on dependent side of "abuser". Because abuser nurtures that kind of relationship with them where they cant escape so easily. So what she is experiencing is "normal" for somebody who is in abusive relationship.

OP, if you value your mental health, leave that guy as soon as possible. From what you say, he is an abuser by all counts and you need to get out of there.

Thank you for your answer and please excuse this question for ignorance but I  very confused and just need some sort of validation that I’m not going completely crazy or if I’m wrong for someone to confirm that too!

Is it correct for him to use the engagement ring and how much it cost as an argument? Basically when he says I’m selfish and I only do things for myself I mention how I basically spent all my savings furnishing the house and supporting us this past year but then he will say that he bought me the ring so that means we’re even. I don’t agree. I don’t agree that the ring should be even brought up but in an argument. When I bring up the fact I supported us I don’t do it as a guilt trip but as reply to his accusation that I only do things for myself and I am selfish. He also hates me working long hours etc as I have been doing extra work to help build up by finances which he resented as I was ‘doing it for me not for us’ 

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1 hour ago, mikroula said:

I am worried that I am being demanding and unsupportive.

That's what he taught you to think. You're not. He just uses you as excuse (not reason!) to get his anger out.

OP, you are not his punching bag.

You are not his therapist. You are not his mom.

You are his partner and he's supposed to protect your heart and feelings as much as he protects his. He's supposed to make you feel loved and safe. He's supposed to make you feel that you're a team.

Please break off the engagement with someone who has repeatedly shown you that you will be abused by him.

Don't fall for his fake tears, yelling, threats nor guilt trips. Smartly plan your exit and leave him without notice. He has treated you like trash and you DON'T deserve that. The reason he stays with you is because you give him all the gf benefits (the sex, cooking, driving, attention, ect.) Without him having to lift a finger for it. He stays with you because you've shown him you're the kind of women who will put up gladly with his abuse and stay.

You're not a fool. You deserve better. Your deserve a man who lifts you up. Please take care of yourself.

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