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She likes more than I like her. I don’t want to lead her on, what do I do?


Alittlehelpplz
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I’ve known this girl for about 4 months. She is amazing, smart, sweet, beautiful and so caring. She wants to move further in our relationship but I’m dragging my feet. I’m doing that because something feels off to me. I should be happy, like I mentioned she’s great, but I don’t think I feel like I should about her. We are only dating, no bf or gf yet. What should I do? 
I don’t want to walk away from good thing, but I’m scared to commit because I’m not sure if I should if I’m unsure. 

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2 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

don’t want to walk away from good thing

It's not exactly a good thing if you aren't that into her, though. 

I think you already know what to do. She might be a great person, but she's evidently not the right one for you. 

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I would also ask: Why are you afraid of the commitment? Is the problem her if she is so amazing or is the problem within you? 

It could be a number of issues from you just not feeling it because you just dont (it happens) or maybe feel it for somebody else or maybe just on a rebound from past relationship, to you just being "commitmentphobe" and where she isnt an issue but the issue is your inability to commit to anyone.

But yes, if you dont feel it and she wants to commit, its fair toward her to just let her go. She deserves to be with somebody who will return her feelings as well as you deserve to be with somebody who you will like more.

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3 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I don’t want to walk away from good thing, but I’m scared to commit 

Commit to what exactly? A label? Being exclusive? How old is she?  Don't string anyone along but a big factor here is what exactly you or she means by "commit" at 16 weeks.

If you are talking about sleeping around, well that's just being a dog. If you are talking about not being able to spit out a label like GF well that's just silly.

Your use of the word commit is troubling. Do you mean exclusive, like not sleeping with others or walking down the aisle? 

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7 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I’ve known this girl for about 4 months. She is amazing, smart, sweet, beautiful and so caring. She wants to move further in our relationship but I’m dragging my feet. I’m doing that because something feels off to me. I should be happy, like I mentioned she’s great, but I don’t think I feel like I should about her. We are only dating, no bf or gf yet. What should I do? 
I don’t want to walk away from good thing, but I’m scared to commit because I’m not sure if I should if I’m unsure. 

She's great but not great for you.  Don't tell her how amazing she is to soften the blow -it's so fake and unnecessary -and ego-driven.  Simply tell this woman that it's not a good idea to keep dating because you aren't feeling the connection you need to feel to take things to any serious level.  Please don't do the gushy thing about how amazin she is and how she deserves the most amazing man and how you wish you could give her all that and you just cannnnnttttt.  Just keep it short and sweet and cut the cord now.  Let her find someone who is over the moon about her -but don't tell her that -respect her dignity and keep it short and sweet.

If you ever feel like you've made a mistake -meaning in the distant future -contact her and tell her that.  I got back together with my now husband years later.  Back then he was great as he is now just not great for me, then he was great for me, years later.  We were fortunate to both be single and both wanting to make a go of it. 

Obviously you risk her being snapped up by someone else - but take the unsure as a "no" after 4 months - not saying you should "just know" but after 4 months you should be excited and reasonably sure to take things to the next level -and feel like you two are on the same wavelength - my guess is she comes across overeager and too into you -too accommodating, too "nice" as in passive - too people pleasing.  And it's a turn off, right? Or it's simply your chemistry doesn't match up so her overtures feel overwhelming to you.

It's ok -let her go free and find her person or at least not be tied down to thinking you might be.  You're not right now.  Great isn't enough.  Perfect even isn't enough.  You want a good match for you and she is not.  

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Turn the tables.  Imagine you were dating a young woman who wasn't really feelin' it?   Yet she continued to date you while wondering if she were settling for someone she may very well not have romantic feelings for.  Wouldn't you want to know?  Wouldn't you want spare your valuable time then continue to spend it with someone when it likely won't go anywhere?

It's never easy, but the kind and respectful thing is to let her know so she's free to go find someone who's absolutely crazy about her.

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4 months is a long time to date or see each other regularly.  I agree with others.  It's best to end it.  No sense getting her hopes up otherwise you're wasting everyone's time. 

If she asks why,  tell her the truth and respectfully part ways.  If she asks further,  give her one of those "It's not you,  it's me" explanations.  

Better for her to know now than later so both of you can move on.

 

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10 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I’ve known this girl for about 4 months. She is amazing, smart, sweet, beautiful and so caring. She wants to move further in our relationship but I’m dragging my feet. I’m doing that because something feels off to me. I should be happy, like I mentioned she’s great, but I don’t think I feel like I should about her. We are only dating, no bf or gf yet. What should I do? 
I don’t want to walk away from good thing, but I’m scared to commit because I’m not sure if I should if I’m unsure. 

If you have been around each other for so long , you must care about her to spend degree. It could be some internal issue you have that’s preventing you from making the commitment.  Decide what scares you more, her leaving or you committing to her.

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52 minutes ago, Madlike said:

If you have been around each other for so long , you must care about her to spend degree. It could be some internal issue you have that’s preventing you from making the commitment.  Decide what scares you more, her leaving or you committing to her.

With all respect I don't think the decision should be made out of fear.  You remain with someone and pursue a relationship because you're reasonable excited and sure about the prospect of being with the person from a positive perspective -even if there are momentary doubts they're momentary and resolvable.  It's not fair to her to have him there trying to convince himself he feels into her because it's too scary to contemplate the regret he might feel if he leaves and she meets someone else.

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

With all respect I don't think the decision should be made out of fear.  You remain with someone and pursue a relationship because you're reasonable excited and sure about the prospect of being with the person from a positive perspective -even if there are momentary doubts they're momentary and resolvable.  It's not fair to her to have him there trying to convince himself he feels into her because it's too scary to contemplate the regret he might feel if he leaves and she meets someone else.

Thank you, I appreciate your opinion. It isn’t fair. Maybe it’s time I stop trying to make myself want her more than I do. 

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13 hours ago, Madlike said:

Hello. What feels “off” to you, about her? What are you unsure about?

What feels off is. I don’t feel that passion or spark. I hat using that term but I know how that feels now and it’s hard to pretend that I do. I’m hoping that changes and that’s why I’m still here 

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10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would also ask: Why are you afraid of the commitment? Is the problem her if she is so amazing or is the problem within you? 

It could be a number of issues from you just not feeling it because you just dont (it happens) or maybe feel it for somebody else or maybe just on a rebound from past relationship, to you just being "commitmentphobe" and where she isnt an issue but the issue is your inability to commit to anyone.

But yes, if you dont feel it and she wants to commit, its fair toward her to just let her go. She deserves to be with somebody who will return her feelings as well as you deserve to be with somebody who you will like more.

It might be me. I’m unsure. I’m not commitmentphobe, I actually like relationships over being single. She isn’t a rebound, but my last relationship ended about 10 months ago. 
Maybe it’s that I don’t know, but you’re right. It’s not fair of me 

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1 minute ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

Thank you, I appreciate your opinion. It isn’t fair. Maybe it’s time I stop trying to make myself want her more than I do. 

It's a fruitless endeavor.  Been there done that.  Also would you want someone to be with you who had to convince themselves to be with you?

I'll add as an old married lady- believe me you will want the glue that holds you together -that feeling of peaceful rightness plus that spark - when times are annoying.  When your partner again takes your child to school too late for comfort, when he loudly sneezes just as you're putting in your laptop password, and when [she!] wants you to walk with your heavy bags yet another block so she doesn't have to drive further into a shopping center to get you. 

And when times are "meh" that spark can be revived -if it was there in the first place -if it wasn't forced.  It's really great how that works especially when you have those inside jokes, those wink wink references that only you two know are kinda naughty but can be repeated -partially -in public lol. 

People who are into each other desire to do those things -to keep the spark alive.  But when there was never a spark to begin with the grass will always seem greener and you'll be like Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail as she said to her long term boyfriend "No there is no one else.  But there's the dream of someone else." (see the movie -no more spoilers). 

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10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Commit to what exactly? A label? Being exclusive? How old is she?  Don't string anyone along but a big factor here is what exactly you or she means by "commit" at 16 weeks.

If you are talking about sleeping around, well that's just being a dog. If you are talking about not being able to spit out a label like GF well that's just silly.

Your use of the word commit is troubling. Do you mean exclusive, like not sleeping with others or walking down the aisle? 

She’s 29. She hasn’t said it but she wanted to start doing more boyfriend girlfriend kind of things. Travel for me to meet her family, she was upset when I didn’t invite her to meet mine. She said she understood when I told her I wasn’t ready. But now it just feels wrong meeting her family. 

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5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Turn the tables.  Imagine you were dating a young woman who wasn't really feelin' it?   Yet she continued to date you while wondering if she were settling for someone she may very well not have romantic feelings for.  Wouldn't you want to know?  Wouldn't you want spare your valuable time then continue to spend it with someone when it likely won't go anywhere?

It's never easy, but the kind and respectful thing is to let her know so she's free to go find someone who's absolutely crazy about her.

That’s great advice and really helped me to put it into perspective 

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4 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

What feels off is. I don’t feel that passion or spark. I hat using that term but I know how that feels now and it’s hard to pretend that I do. I’m hoping that changes and that’s why I’m still here 

Why does that feel bad? Passion and spark are essential!  Infatuation fades but that passion and spark -as long as it's not based on insecurity (meaning the thrill of the chase -when you're with someone who is unavailable) - it stays forever and can be revived forever.  You don't hope that changes.  Yes - there is a sort of control over it -in this sense-if you are the right person to find the right person you will find  that spark and that passion in people who want you back -not just in the beginning when you're not sure if the person wants you back.  You will be open to feeling that passion and spark and openness like that means it's more likely you'll spark with more people as opposed to being closed off in general.

But you cannot force a connection with a specific person even in platonic friendship -like you know how there are some people you just click with -platonically -like you get each other, you feel comfortable in your own skin around that person, the conversation flows or when you're quiet it's a comfortable quiet? Then there are people you have so much in common with but when you're hanging out it's kind of awkward and forced and you stick to the specific common topic like acquaintances but it never feels comfortable to go deeper.

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9 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

What feels off is. I don’t feel that passion or spark. I hat using that term but I know how that feels now and it’s hard to pretend that I do. I’m hoping that changes and that’s why I’m still here 

Are you depressed or anything ? 
 

Passion and spark tends to go on and off. Can also be revived.

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2 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

She’s 29. She hasn’t said it but she wanted to start doing more boyfriend girlfriend kind of things. Travel for me to meet her family, she was upset when I didn’t invite her to meet mine. She said she understood when I told her I wasn’t ready. But now it just feels wrong meeting her family. 

Yes -please do not meet her family.  

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17 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

What feels off is. I don’t feel that passion or spark. I hat using that term but I know how that feels now and it’s hard to pretend that I do. I’m hoping that changes and that’s why I’m still here 

It comes and goes . Seems like you still want her so give it time.

 

Was the spark or passion there in the beginning?

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Here is what I would do as a compromise.  Tell her right now you don't feel the kind of chemistry or connection you think you should at four months. So you do not want to meet her family right now. You're fine continuing to date casually and not have sex because you don't think it's right to be that intimate if you're not exclusive.  You can offer her that and you can see in a few months if you think getting more serious makes sense.  Tell her if she feels uncomfortable at any time obviously you're ok not dating at all but you'd like to give it a bit more time.

But then -no talk about whether she is seeing others.  Kiss, hold hands, cuddle - see each other once a week and don't text a lot in between so she can feel free to have a social life, meet other people etc.  I mean I don't see her accepting this and frankly if she does she might feel she's settling for scraps but put the brakes on the serious talk.

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16 minutes ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

She’s 29.  She said she understood when I told her I wasn’t ready. 

Ok, then yes you are stringing her along. "Not ready" is an excuse and you know this. It's not a good idea to use someone as a security blanket or for sex.

You're not being true to her or yourself.

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14 hours ago, Alittlehelpplz said:

I’ve known this girl for about 4 months. She is amazing, smart, sweet, beautiful and so caring. She wants to move further in our relationship but I’m dragging my feet. I’m doing that because something feels off to me. I should be happy, like I mentioned she’s great, but I don’t think I feel like I should about her. We are only dating, no bf or gf yet. What should I do? 
I don’t want to walk away from good thing, but I’m scared to commit because I’m not sure if I should if I’m unsure. 

Are you afraid of getting into a serious relationship? Or are you just not as attracted to her?

Picture her dating another man, how much does it bother you? 

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