5 dates and no sex

[Cl6ty]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How about you invite her over to your place, cook a nice dinner, and tell her about your feelings and wanting to be exclusive?

Many women would not sleep with a guy if they're not exclusive. So just see if she she says yes.

And if you start making out later, try to get extra handsy and check if she's comfortable. If not, it'll be at her pace when she feels closer to you emotionally, ect. after more dates.

It's simple. People are looking for a connection before getting into the sex and all that. At least, most serious people. So no rush here. Focus on building a nice bond and sex will come along the way.

I will give that a try appreciate it. Like i said a lot of people, both men and women, say they sleep with someone on the 1st -  3rd dates so i wasnt sure if this is like weird or what

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Cl6ty said:

I just feel like when a man invites the girl over it gives off "oh just another guy that wants to get into my pants" type of vibe. It seems much more meaningful and real if the girl initiates that. Idk if me asking her to come over would chase her away if she isnt ready for it

Look, you maybe had some girls before that invited you to their place and that is fine. But for some, yes, you would need to be the one that creates an opportunity. Also inviting somebody for dinner is an activity. It creates a fine atmosphere for you to maybe ask for more and maybe put some moves. It isnt the same as pressuring somebody for sex. If she is still not comfortable with that she will tell you and you can respect that. But after 2 months you can freely initiate some stuff without being taken like some horny guy that wants her just for sex. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, dias said:

He likes sex

Then he should find a woman who wants what he wants, when he wants. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Cl6ty said:

Idk why its coming off as that. Im not saying i need the sex now. Im talking from a women's stand point do they care or not?

Would i like to have sex with her, sure i would. Is it make or break for me? No i dont care either way doesnt change how i feel. But I've heard from some girls they will leave a guy if they arent having sex within a reasonable amount of time. Also idk what that means that she hasnt initiated or hinted towards anything sexual.

5 dates is nothing.  Get to know each other better meaning personality and character which is tantamount. 

The woman whom you're dating is not anyone else but her. 

Have an in person conversation with her.  Pick her brain.  Then you will know what she is thinking without playing guessing games.  Hear it straight from her so you won't be confused nor will she be mysterious to you.  Find out if both of you are on the same page or not.  Then take it from there and see if she is compatible to you or not.  This in person conversation will determine whether or not you're wasting your time and energy on her. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Cl6ty said:

Like i said a lot of people, both men and women, say they sleep with someone on the 1st -  3rd dates so i wasnt sure if this is like weird or what

It's not at all weird. Most serious people who want serious partners will want to get to know who they'll be sleeping with and will want to feel an emotional connection and safety with them prior to jumping into any sexual acts.

Check with your lady and listen to her own opinion on this. It's the only one that matters here really.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cl6ty said:

a lot of people, both men and women, say they sleep with someone on the 1st -  3rd dates 

It's weird that you won't even invite her over and believe this 3-date rule rubbish. You're old enough to have some dating experience and therefore understand the concept of inviting someone for over dinner and discussing that you're interested in only seeing her.

 If you are only interested in date 1-3 hookup sex, be  clear on that from the beginning. You'll get low quality women, but since you refuse to invite people to your home or create a comfortable secure environment, that's what you'll get. Stop getting dating tips from PUA sites where this rubbish about 3 date rule and her inviting you is promoted.

[Batya33]

Also obviously you want to talk about STD testing, birth control, sexual monogamy and her views on what she thinks she would want if there is an accidental pregnancy -right? I mean you seem to want something more than casual dating and sex as part of it -you seem to see this as potentially serious with this woman (who is not a "girl" -she's an adult -so maybe the "girls" you know might not relate to the perspectives of an adult woman) - so have a conversation -ask her what her intentions are as far as the two of you, how she sees the two of you and then share what you are thinking.  

[bluecastle]

The impression I get from your posts is not so much that you want to have sex ASAP as that you'd see having sex—specifically her initiating it—as a sign that she's into you. 

Thing is? Sex is just sex. Speaking for myself, I've slept with people I'm not seriously into, and have had people sleep with me while not being really into me, or getting into a relationship with me.

Best scenario: that's all discussed beforehand. Common scenario: these differing expectations surface afterward, at which point it's awkward and sometimes painful. Hence why many people, generally around your age, learn to do what you seem to be struggling with: talking about stuff ahead of time to manage expectations and emotional equilibriums. 

Like this, for example...

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

ask her what her intentions are as far as the two of you, how she sees the two of you and then share what you are thinking.  

...is pretty normal chitchat at around the 5 date mark, regardless of what bases, so to speak, have been rounded when the lights are dim. Making sex a stand in for these kinds of chats is to (a) put way too much on an act that, wonderful as it is, holds different meanings for different people; and (b) run the risk of hurt feelings and drastically misaligned expectations.  

Imagine, for example, if you had sex tonight, told her afterward how much you like her and that you don't want to see anyone else, and she said, "Oh, I'm sorry—that's not where I'm at all." Odds are the sting would be a lot greater coming then as opposed to while chatting over a meal.

Long and short: Don't make her do the emotional heavy lifting, and don't make sex a substitute for it. Talk, ask questions, tell her where you're at, ask more questions. Then, if you're on the same page, sex becomes a wordless extension of that conversation, and all the saucier for it. 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

when the lights are dim.

I prefer the lights to be on 😉

Definitely don't be afraid to have the exclusivity talk.

And besides, a woman who waits to have sex is likely one who isn't jumping into bed with every guy who comes along. 

[Cl6ty]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

5 dates is nothing.  Get to know each other better meaning personality and character which is tantamount. 

The woman whom you're dating is not anyone else but her. 

Have an in person conversation with her.  Pick her brain.  Then you will know what she is thinking without playing guessing games.  Hear it straight from her so you won't be confused nor will she be mysterious to you.  Find out if both of you are on the same page or not.  Then take it from there and see if she is compatible to you or not.  This in person conversation will determine whether or not you're wasting your time and energy on her. 

People are saying 5 dates is way long enough and then others are saying 5 dates is nothing idk what is right.

I dont even know what to ask her to be honest, ive literally gone out with girls and as we are kissing they will put my hands on their body and the rest is history lol

[Cl6ty]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's weird that you won't even invite her over and believe this 3-date rule rubbish. You're old enough to have some dating experience and therefore understand the concept of inviting someone for over dinner and discussing that you're interested in only seeing her.

 If you are only interested in date 1-3 hookup sex, be  clear on that from the beginning. You'll get low quality women, but since you refuse to invite people to your home or create a comfortable secure environment, that's what you'll get. Stop getting dating tips from PUA sites where this rubbish about 3 date rule and her inviting you is promoted.

Im actually not. All the dates i go on never get to that point. And thats the problem, what if she isn't ready for that and it's too soon for her, she gets turned off and runs away lol then what do i do

[Cl6ty]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also obviously you want to talk about STD testing, birth control, sexual monogamy and her views on what she thinks she would want if there is an accidental pregnancy -right? I mean you seem to want something more than casual dating and sex as part of it -you seem to see this as potentially serious with this woman (who is not a "girl" -she's an adult -so maybe the "girls" you know might not relate to the perspectives of an adult woman) - so have a conversation -ask her what her intentions are as far as the two of you, how she sees the two of you and then share what you are thinking.  

Is that not a weird topic to just randomly bring up and discuss? It just feels weird I guess. Like she doesnt do anything at all that would hint she wants to go further with that

[Cl6ty]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

The impression I get from your posts is not so much that you want to have sex ASAP as that you'd see having sex—specifically her initiating it—as a sign that she's into you. 

Thing is? Sex is just sex. Speaking for myself, I've slept with people I'm not seriously into, and have had people sleep with me while not being really into me, or getting into a relationship with me.

Best scenario: that's all discussed beforehand. Common scenario: these differing expectations surface afterward, at which point it's awkward and sometimes painful. Hence why many people, generally around your age, learn to do what you seem to be struggling with: talking about stuff ahead of time to manage expectations and emotional equilibriums. 

Like this, for example...

...is pretty normal chitchat at around the 5 date mark, regardless of what bases, so to speak, have been rounded when the lights are dim. Making sex a stand in for these kinds of chats is to (a) put way too much on an act that, wonderful as it is, holds different meanings for different people; and (b) run the risk of hurt feelings and drastically misaligned expectations.  

Imagine, for example, if you had sex tonight, told her afterward how much you like her and that you don't want to see anyone else, and she said, "Oh, I'm sorry—that's not where I'm at all." Odds are the sting would be a lot greater coming then as opposed to while chatting over a meal.

Long and short: Don't make her do the emotional heavy lifting, and don't make sex a substitute for it. Talk, ask questions, tell her where you're at, ask more questions. Then, if you're on the same page, sex becomes a wordless extension of that conversation, and all the saucier for it. 

I see what you're saying and that is what i think I'm feeling 5 dates in. I'm just like where are we at now and where do we go, she has done nothing to show she wants to have sex and hearing all of these other people have sex so early i feel like something is wrong or this is a weird situation. And her initiating the sex would mean she truly likes me. 

I just find it so weird and awkward to randomly just start talking about those things

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

It's so hard to tell because she has given not a single hint towards anything sexual whether through talking on our dates or physical. We just kiss and that's it. Other girls ive gone out with 2 or 3 times they clearly will either say or act on it. I dont want to bring it up and feel like im pressuring her or just "trying to be another guy wanting to get into her pants" and ruin everything

If you don't have the trust between you to speak about it, why would you expect her to want to do anything about it?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

People are saying 5 dates is way long enough 

Where and when are you supposed to have sex if you won't invite her to your place? Who are these people? 

You don't even seem to like this woman. You seem to be keeping score of something.

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

I will give that a try appreciate it. Like i said a lot of people, both men and women, say they sleep with someone on the 1st -  3rd dates so i wasnt sure if this is like weird or what

You seem to be quite fixated on this.  What does it matter what other people do?  Why keep comparing this woman against others who have sex with near strangers?  She doesn't want to do that and it's just as acceptable.  It was 6 dates before anything happened with my ex and I thought it nice that he wanted to get to know me before jumping into bed. 

Five dates over a period of a few months hasn't helped.  If you were seeing each other more regularly, you'd be further along into your relationship.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

People are saying 5 dates is way long enough 

Who are you trying to impress? Her or your bros? Because so far you've done nothing, absolutely nothing to impress her including inviting her over, making dinner or even talking about wanting to only see each other.

If you want to impress your bros with how fast you can get in someone's pants, fine, but don't wait around for her to chase you.

Humping in a car is for teens who live with their parents, not grown men who supposedly have their own place.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

Is that not a weird topic to just randomly bring up and discuss? It just feels weird I guess. Like she doesnt do anything at all that would hint she wants to go further with that

No you don't bring it up unless you two are already discussing getting sexual.  What's incredibly weird to me is you're so focused on what is supposed to happen after x amount of dates - says who?

Why not determine your own values, then hers, then your mutual preferences and together you decide what works for the two of you.  I typically waited months based on my values plus also health related/pregnancy risk, etc.  Extremely healthy sex drive, in situations where there was intense chemistry and desire.  We waited. 

Just like people who want to feel healthful might want to eat a whole chocolate cake in one sitting but instead they have a slice at a time over a period of a week. Choosing to prioritize health over desire. Choose your priorities -your personal priorities -not what "girls" have done with you in the past especially sexually -many people enjoy getting sexual and having casual sex right away.  Whether or not they see future potential or really know the other person.  Not a bad or good thing -it just is.  

Also after 5 dates if you see serious potential I'd start to figure out if you two have the same general goals -including career, education, family (or not), marriage (or not) -generally -not necessarily specifically. Perhaps if you stop comparing yourself to some inane 3-date standard or her to the "girls" you've hooked up with you can focus on her as an individual person.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

You seem to be quite fixated on this.  What does it matter what other people do?  Why keep comparing this woman against others who have sex with near strangers?  She doesn't want to do that and it's just as acceptable.  It was 6 dates before anything happened with my ex and I thought it nice that he wanted to get to know me before jumping into bed. 

Five dates over a period of a few months hasn't helped.  If you were seeing each other more regularly, you'd be further along into your relationship.

I think it's really important to get to know each other over a period of time -like 1-2 dates/week so you can see over a longer period of time how the person reacts to life situations that might not happen in a shorter time period -like a bad cold, parents coming to town, how they interact with all sorts of service people whether it's the wait staff or the cable guy, when things are good at work or not so good, etc.  

I know of many women who have sex early on after seeing someone every day for a week in this insta-relationship haze, then they regret it, etc.

[boltnrun]

I agree. Why are you fixated on the number of dates or what "people" say instead of whether or not you truly like this woman?

Is your priority getting laid, or finding a nice woman to have a relationship with?

[reinventmyself]

11 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

 

I dont even know what to ask her to be honest, ive literally gone out with girls and as we are kissing they will put my hands on their body and the rest is history lol

Did those women end up being your girlfriend?

And it seems you are looking for women to make the first move.   Or at least give you a sign they are up for it.  Do you ever just take the lead?

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

Well I'm going to bring it up this weekend and i really hope she doesn't get turned off and leave me over it

You could just tell her that you're not raising this to pressure her, you just want her to know that you prefer to date one woman at a time. It doesn't mean she can't multi-date, but you want to be honest about where you stand.

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

People are saying 5 dates is way long enough and then others are saying 5 dates is nothing idk what is right.

I dont even know what to ask her to be honest, ive literally gone out with girls and as we are kissing they will put my hands on their body and the rest is history lol

Speak up so there is no misunderstanding and both of you are in agreement or disagreement.  Never guess nor feel mystified by anything.

[lostandhurt]

This is pretty simple.

Ask her to your place for dinner.  If you know how to cook then cook her dinner and entertain her at your place.  This way she gets to see more of who you are through where/how you live. Make a good impression on her by making a serious effort with dinner and the evening.

 Sometime after dinner or close to the end say this: "I really like you and want to get to know you better so I wanted to let you know I am not seeing anyone else but you"  (Of course only say that if it is true) This opens the door to her either saying the same thing or letting you know she is dating others as well as you.  It isn't a heavy or deep commitment talk but more like This is where I stand kind of thing.

 After 2 months and 5 dates it seems appropriate to start leaning into  the next step to me and it sounds like you are into her so don't be afraid of scaring her off but take it slow and express where you are so she knows.  If she bolts then you saved yourself a bunch of time.

 Relax a little on the timing of when sex happens and never gauge your situation on what other guys are bragging about.

Lost

 

[Spawn]

if you are so fixated over sex i feel you will loose all interest in her once you actually are done with it. Happens , have a open conversation with her about the relationship being exclusive. Am sure she has her reasons for not taking it to that level.