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5 dates and no sex


Cl6ty
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I am a 28 [M] dating a 29 [F]


We have been going out for about 2 months now and about to go on our 6th date. We go out just about every weekend and text every day from when we wake up until we go to sleep.


Pretty general question and i know there's going to be a lot of different views, but is it weird, alarming, odd, or normal that we haven't been to eachothers house yet and haven't had sex yet? We generally go out, we make out, and then we leave. There hasn't been anything at all from her through words or actions that implies she wants to have sex right now. 


I'm asking this because she hasn't given me a single bit of hint that she wants to sleep together at all or even invite me to her place. Is she just defensive and guarded after her last relationship about a year ago? Like idk what to do or think and i dont want to push it on her or awkwardly ask her incase she gets weirded out or upset that im bringing it up. I feel like i should just let her when she's ready, im sure if she wasn't serious about us we wouldn't be doing this for 2 months now.


Thanks guys

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I don't think 5 dates without sex is unusual at all.   

What are you looking for?  Do you see any potential in this to be something more than just casual?  Or is sex your end goal.

Women are often relentlessly pursued for sex.  Taking one's time to get to know one another susses out those who are just looking for sex.  

Instead of letting her know you are ready for sex, if you really like her, consider letting her know that instead.  If you would like to take this to another level it terms of dating or a relationship, have that conversation with her and the rest will come. 

There is no timeline is which you can expect someone to have sex with you. It is not a given.  So, try to change your expectation on this.   You cultivate a relationship first.   Or. . .just look for dates where women are more inclined for a casual hookup situation.

 

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11 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I don't think 5 dates without sex is unusual at all.   

What are you looking for?  Do you see any potential in this to be something more than just casual?  Or is sex your end goal.

Women are often relentlessly pursued for sex.  Taking one's time to get to know one another susses out those who are just looking for sex.  

Instead of letting her know you are ready for sex, if you really like her, consider letting her know that instead.  If you would like to take this to another level it terms of dating or a relationship, have that conversation with her and the rest will come. 

There is no timeline is which you can expect someone to have sex with you. It is not a given.  So, try to change your expectation on this.   You cultivate a relationship first.   Or. . .just look for dates where women are more inclined for a casual hookup situation.

 

I am definitely looking for a serious relationship with her more than I've ever felt with anyone else and that's why i wasn't sure. I didn't want her sitting there waiting for me and thinking why I haven't had sex with her yet or if she doesn't want to for a while. And i feel even just bringing it up in conversation might make her feel weird.

A lot of guys say how they sleep with them after the first date or 2nd date and no longer than the 3rd date so i just wasn't sure what to really do.

Me personally, i dont care either way too much. Would i like to have sex sure but also waiting doesn't matter to me either as long as I'm not wasting my time and we are in it for the long term

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Agree totallly with Reinvent -also stop the constant texting -it's a false sense of intimacy and you're playing at being some boring married couple LOL.  Get to know each other mostly in person maybe with a phone call in between dates.

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21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Agree totallly with Reinvent -also stop the constant texting -it's a false sense of intimacy and you're playing at being some boring married couple LOL.  Get to know each other mostly in person maybe with a phone call in between dates.

We see eachother every weekend and just text while we are at work lol idk who doesn't do that

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I can't speak for all women, but I know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So it's really important for me to learn where I stand with someone--and where I want to stand--before I'll bond physically and emotionally.

This is the stuff of intimacy, and without building a foundation for discussions like this to be easy, I wouldn't feel secure enough to consider sex. It would be too premature and casual for me.

Have some gentle talks over the course of your dates. Don't head straight for the sex topic, but rather, learn whether she likes you as much as you like her and whether she'd be willing to consider dating exclusively. Test those waters and learn from her and with her.

CongrAts! on finding someone you really like.

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Sometimes they want exclusivity before sex. If she ain't grabbing for it, she's not ready.

Someone else has said she's waiting for me to initiate it because women feel weird about initiating something physical like that. Idk what to believe.

That's another topic, at what point are we exclusive? It's been months

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7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I can't speak for all women, but I know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So it's really important for me to learn where I stand with someone--and where I want to stand--before I'll bond physically and emotionally.

This is the stuff of intimacy, and without building a foundation for discussions like this to be easy, I wouldn't feel secure enough to consider sex. It would be too premature and casual for me.

Have some gentle talks over the course of your dates. Don't head straight for the sex topic, but rather, learn whether she likes you as much as you like her and whether she'd be willing to consider dating exclusively. Test those waters and learn from her and with her.

CongrAts! on finding someone you really like.

It's so hard to tell because she has given not a single hint towards anything sexual whether through talking on our dates or physical. We just kiss and that's it. Other girls ive gone out with 2 or 3 times they clearly will either say or act on it. I dont want to bring it up and feel like im pressuring her or just "trying to be another guy wanting to get into her pants" and ruin everything

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7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

You're asking us this here, but she's the person you should be talking to about this. Doesn't have to be some heavy thing, and shouldn't be, but it's crossing these bridges, for many, that opens up the door for physical intimacy. 

In your shoes, on your next date, I'd share with her that you've been loving getting to know her over the past few weeks, are thrilled to continue that, want to continue doing so exclusively, and would like to hear her thoughts and feelings on all that.

You're saying this is "another topic," but I suspect you'll find they're very much a connected topic.  

What if she doesn't want to talk about that now and it's too soon for her? 

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Just now, Cl6ty said:

What if she doesn't want to talk about that now and it's too soon for her? 

Then she will let you know exactly that. Which is okay—more than okay, really, because you will be learning about her through listening and, together, figuring out what each of you want, where each of you are, being vulnerable, and all that wonderful stuff.

At the moment, I think you're maybe a bit fixated and focused on sex as a way of answering these questions without having to talk about them. Try reversing the equation. 

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6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Then she will let you know exactly that. Which is okay—more than okay, really, because you will be learning about her through listening and, together, figuring out what each of you want, where each of you are, being vulnerable, and all that wonderful stuff.

At the moment, I think you're maybe a bit fixated and focused on sex as a way of answering these questions without having to talk about them. Try reversing the equation. 

Well I'm going to bring it up this weekend and i really hope she doesn't get turned off and leave me over it

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5 dates and no sex?  What's the big hurry?  Why the rush?

Get to know each other.  Let her observe your personality and character which takes a long time.  Do the same in return. 

Some  ladies myself included prefer to wait until marriage. 

Perhaps she is not for you.  Date women who cooperate with your pace and willing to have sex with you quickly.  They will be more your cup of tea. 

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3 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

Pretty general question and i know there's going to be a lot of different views, but is it weird, alarming, odd, or normal that we haven't been to eachothers house yet and haven't had sex yet?

I dont think its any of that. You say she makes out when you see each other so she probably doesnt mind physical intimacy. So you maybe just need to create a chance to do it. Meaning invite her to your home for dinner or movies. Create an atmosphere. And all else that goes with it. You dont need to pressure her but it does seem like you wait until she initiates it. Also you say that you talk every day. So you can, you know, actually talk with her about physical intimacy and see from her what she says.

I mean she maybe just doesnt want it at this stage and that is fine. Just think that after 2 months of every day talking you can also talk about stuff like that.

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4 hours ago, Cl6ty said:

 text every day from when we wake up until we go to sleep.

we haven't been to eachothers house yet and haven't had sex yet? she hasn't given me a single bit of hint that she wants to sleep together at all or even invite me to her place.

Are either of you in other relationships? Do either or both of you live with parents or roommates? Why not invite her to your place and make dinner? The red flag is that you haven't done that.

Another red flag this texting 24/7. This is a huge problem and kills interest. Don't put yourself in the textbuddy zone.

She seems interested enough to "make out" all the time but where exactly are you going to have sex? What exactly are you going to "bring up"? "Let's do it in the car?"

You need to create the correct situation, atmosphere and opportunity for sex to happen. Invite her over, it's not a guarantee, but it's a place to start and better than "this is date 6, when are you going to put out?"

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1 hour ago, Cl6ty said:

Well I'm going to bring it up this weekend and i really hope she doesn't get turned off and leave me over it

If she does get turned off & leave you, it sounds like she wasn't seeing you as something real.  So no interest other than a 'buddy' type friendship.

Was she in a long term relationship before she met up with you?

I feel sex should surface eventually.  Months is a while 😕 .  And also the post re: sex being a part of the intimacy & bonding between a couple!  yes, is a part of it.

Does she cuddle with you at all or hold hands.. let you close, any soft touch etc?  IMO, If she were truly interested in you, she would be allowing this stuff by now.

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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

It's been 5 dates.  Now you mention months.   ? 

When are you exclusive? Whenever you two have an open conversation about it

Yeah we go out once a weekend, we missed maybe 1 or 2 weekends 

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1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

5 dates and no sex?  What's the big hurry?  Why the rush?

Get to know each other.  Let her observe your personality and character which takes a long time.  Do the same in return. 

Some  ladies myself included prefer to wait until marriage. 

Perhaps she is not for you.  Date women who cooperate with your pace and willing to have sex with you quickly.  They will be more your cup of tea. 

Idk why its coming off as that. Im not saying i need the sex now. Im talking from a women's stand point do they care or not?

Would i like to have sex with her, sure i would. Is it make or break for me? No i dont care either way doesnt change how i feel. But I've heard from some girls they will leave a guy if they arent having sex within a reasonable amount of time. Also idk what that means that she hasnt initiated or hinted towards anything sexual.

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55 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think its any of that. You say she makes out when you see each other so she probably doesnt mind physical intimacy. So you maybe just need to create a chance to do it. Meaning invite her to your home for dinner or movies. Create an atmosphere. And all else that goes with it. You dont need to pressure her but it does seem like you wait until she initiates it. Also you say that you talk every day. So you can, you know, actually talk with her about physical intimacy and see from her what she says.

I mean she maybe just doesnt want it at this stage and that is fine. Just think that after 2 months of every day talking you can also talk about stuff like that.

I just feel like when a man invites the girl over it gives off "oh just another guy that wants to get into my pants" type of vibe. It seems much more meaningful and real if the girl initiates that. Idk if me asking her to come over would chase her away if she isnt ready for it

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34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are either of you in other relationships? Do either or both of you live with parents or roommates? Why not invite her to your place and make dinner? The red flag is that you haven't done that.

Another red flag this texting 24/7. This is a huge problem and kills interest. Don't put yourself in the textbuddy zone.

She seems interested enough to "make out" all the time but where exactly are you going to have sex? What exactly are you going to "bring up"? "Let's do it in the car?"

You need to create the correct situation, atmosphere and opportunity for sex to happen. Invite her over, it's not a guarantee, but it's a place to start and better than "this is date 6, when are you going to put out?"

I would do those things if i felt ANY kind of want from her to do that. I've been with girls, they will literally put your hand on their chest or something while making out if they want to have sex. She doesnt do anything really or talk about it at all

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31 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If she does get turned off & leave you, it sounds like she wasn't seeing you as something real.  So no interest other than a 'buddy' type friendship.

Was she in a long term relationship before she met up with you?

I feel sex should surface eventually.  Months is a while 😕 .  And also the post re: sex being a part of the intimacy & bonding between a couple!  yes, is a part of it.

Does she cuddle with you at all or hold hands.. let you close, any soft touch etc?  IMO, If she were truly interested in you, she would be allowing this stuff by now.

She used to be in a 10 year long relationship so i feel shes just extra careful maybe after that. But its been 2 years since that.

Yeah we cuddle and hold eachother when we are out, im just saying nothing further than that

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How about you invite her over to your place, cook a nice dinner, and tell her about your feelings and wanting to be exclusive?

Many women would not sleep with a guy if they're not exclusive. So just see if she she says yes.

And if you start making out later, try to get extra handsy and check if she's comfortable. If not, it'll be at her pace when she feels closer to you emotionally, ect. after more dates.

It's simple. People are looking for a connection before getting into the sex and all that. At least, most serious people. So no rush here. Focus on building a nice bond and sex will come along the way.

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