How do I get myself back? I’m completely shattered

[Sithren]

So I posted here sometime last week about a situation I am in.

Summary, met this guy months back, then we went into long distance and have been planning to meet and take our relationship to the next level.

He then dumps me when I moved closer to him.

It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t been myself.

I’m really hurting and struggling so much.

I cry everyday, I can’t sleep or do anything, I lose appetite and worst part of all is I can’t concentrate on anything I have to do for work and it’s affecting my productivity so much.

I don’t know why I’m hurting this bad, I have tried to make some friends, I go out sometimes but it doesn’t help.

I’m still shattered by all this and I need help.

I would love to hear some suggestions of anything I can do.

I feel like I’m just existing. I wish I could actually express how much this is affecting my life and career right now. 
I don’t want to end up messing up my life over a 23 year old

[boltnrun]

Please see your doctor for a complete physical. Tell your doctor how you've been feeling. Be completely honest. Ask for a referral for supportive therapy.

BTW, have you been contacting him? Have you been looking at his social media profiles or viewing his stories? Have you been rereading old messages from him or looking at photos?

Please do take care of yourself. After all, if you broke your leg or contracted an illness you'd see a professional for help. This shouldn't be any different.

[Cherylyn]

You are such a young lady.  It's hard for you to see this now but it's not the end of the world.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Give yourself time to heal and recover.  Your wounds are still raw and sore. 

In the meantime, force yourself to get fresh air, exercise, eat healthy and take good care of your health because there is a sound body, sound mind connection.  If you don't treat your body well, you'll be full of negativity all the time.  It's time to do a reboot. 

Get distracted with industrious activities such as decluttering, cleaning, organizing and sprucing up your home because it is psychologically uplifting and you can think more clearly after you de-junk.

Do what you enjoy whether it's hobbies, crafts (?), reading books from your local library, watching great movies, take a hot bath, pamper yourself and give yourself self care.  Even errands where you can get lost in your thoughts is a nice break. 

Eventually, venture out joining clubs, groups, organizations, sports, volunteer for charities, join your local church if you're faith based, break into subgroups there and your options are limitless.  Based upon your interests, people will share something common with you so you can relate to them.  Start out as acquaintances, cultivate, nurture, build and maintain friendships from there. 

Most of all, change the way you think.  Like you, I've been hurt, felt bitter and resentful.  After my pity-pot phase, I began to actually feel RELIEVED because certain people were not meant to remain long term for a reason.  Truth about their terrible characters is revealed and it's a sobering reality check.  I'm actually grateful.  When people are mean to me, I learn not to waste my time and energy on them anymore.  They've actually done a favor for me. 

I'm sorry he dumped you.  Now you know the true colors of his disdainful character.  Better to know now than later.  Consider your bad experience as wisdom gained.  You've become more wary and jaded.  You'll be extra careful in the future in order to protect yourself.  You'll be smarter from now on.  Haste makes waste.  You'll observe character with more lengthy scrutiny than ever before. 

Take good care of yourself and chin up,  Sithren.

[Sithren]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please see your doctor for a complete physical. Tell your doctor how you've been feeling. Be completely honest. Ask for a referral for supportive therapy.

BTW, have you been contacting him? Have you been looking at his social media profiles or viewing his stories? Have you been rereading old messages from him or looking at photos?

Please do take care of yourself. After all, if you broke your leg or contracted an illness you'd see a professional for help. This shouldn't be any different.

I’ve actually seen a doctor and counsellor, nothing really helps. I’m on some meds to sleep but I still don’t even get that much sleep. They’ve recommended things but it seems like nothing works.

[Sithren]

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You are such a young lady.  It's hard for you to see this now but it's not the end of the world.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Give yourself time to heal and recover.  Your wounds are still raw and sore. 

In the meantime, force yourself to get fresh air, exercise, eat healthy and take good care of your health because there is a sound body, sound mind connection.  If you don't treat your body well, you'll be full of negativity all the time.  It's time to do a reboot. 

Get distracted with industrious activities such as decluttering, cleaning, organizing and sprucing up your home because it is psychologically uplifting and you can think more clearly after you de-junk.

Do what you enjoy whether it's hobbies, crafts (?), reading books from your local library, watching great movies, take a hot bath, pamper yourself and give yourself self care.  Even errands where you can get lost in your thoughts is a nice break. 

Eventually, venture out joining clubs, groups, organizations, sports, volunteer for charities, join your local church if you're faith based, break into subgroups there and your options are limitless.  Based upon your interests, people will share something common with you so you can relate to them.  Start out as acquaintances, cultivate, nurture, build and maintain friendships from there. 

Most of all, change the way you think.  Like you, I've been hurt, felt bitter and resentful.  After my pity-pot phase, I began to actually feel RELIEVED because certain people were not meant to remain long term for a reason.  Truth about their terrible characters is revealed and it's a sobering reality check.  I'm actually grateful.  When people are mean to me, I learn not to waste my time and energy on them anymore.  They've actually done a favor for me. 

I'm sorry he dumped you.  Now you know the true colors of his disdainful character.  Better to know now than later.  Consider your bad experience as wisdom gained.  You've become more wary and jaded.  You'll be extra careful in the future in order to protect yourself.  You'll be smarter from now on.  Haste makes waste.  You'll observe character with more lengthy scrutiny than ever before. 

Take good care of yourself and chin up,  Sithren.

Thank you for you kind words.

I’m actually 26, he is the one that is 23 so I’m not sure I’m that young lol.

I have made some friends and joined the gym, I try to go out sometimes . It feels okay for a while but the thought of him and the whole situation is stuck on me like I just can’t let it go and it’s really bad. I just don’t know what else to do but I’ll keep trying I guess.

I just feel unworthy and not good enough. Everything hurts and I’m really trying.

[Jaunty]

This isn't going to sound very helpful but you just need to put one foot in front of the other and go forward.  

Set yourself small steps you can accomplish, starting with getting out of bed, putting yourself together (I advise against spending the day in sweats etc) and doing your work, going to the gym, some type of social contact.

The intrusive thoughts I understand, but it's important that you tell yourself they're not the truth whenever they penetrate.   This is a very short relationship that did not work out.  You made some possibly poor choices -I'm not sure about that, as maybe your new job or something in your new life might turn out to be very favorable for you; but moving for a relationship that has not been tested in any way is likely to have been hasty.  BUT, a failed relationship has nothing to do with your worthiness.  Make sure you tell yourself that this kind of self talk is BS whenever you catch yourself doing it.

 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Sithren said:

I’ve actually seen a doctor and counsellor, nothing really helps. I’m on some meds to sleep but I still don’t even get that much sleep. They’ve recommended things but it seems like nothing works.

It's only been two weeks. It's unrealistic to think a counselor will be able to make you feel better in 14 days.

You didn't answer my questions. Are you doing any of the things I asked about? If so, do you believe doing those things will help you feel better? And please don't say you can't help it.  You can. No, it's not "easy". Nothing worthwhile is. But it's 100% necessary.

Please continue with counseling. If you aren't able to function at work and are this distressed, it's vital you continue to care for yourself.

[Justsomeone]

Two weeks is still very fresh. And it’s normal to feel like that. It will take time.
i know because I’ve been there before. Keeping busy and exercise helps even if you don’t feel like doing anything. I found that laying in bed actually made me feel worse.

You may not be able to control your feelings but you can control your actions  so keep busy. I found that if I can’t sleep over feelings of anxiety, I go exercise or take a shower to feel refresh. Do something that will make you feel good but keep moving even if you don’t feel like you want to. In time you will feel better, you will get yourself back and he will be a distant memory.

[Cherylyn]

31 minutes ago, Sithren said:

Thank you for you kind words.

I’m actually 26, he is the one that is 23 so I’m not sure I’m that young lol.

I have made some friends and joined the gym, I try to go out sometimes . It feels okay for a while but the thought of him and the whole situation is stuck on me like I just can’t let it go and it’s really bad. I just don’t know what else to do but I’ll keep trying I guess.

I just feel unworthy and not good enough. Everything hurts and I’m really trying.

Thank you for your kind words, too.

You're still a young lady. 

He's not worthy of having YOU.  He does NOT deserve you.  I'm sorry it hurts so bad.  One of these days, I want you to say in your brain and aloud:  "Good riddance!"  One day, you will feel relieved to have rid of him.  He's a bad apple.  If not you, no doubt he has done this to someone else and will do this to someone else in the future.  Once a cad, always a cad. 

Being burned is a terrible feeling.  Your key takeaway here is that you're more intelligent and keenly aware how to protect yourself in the future because CHARACTER is what you'll observe the most.  It takes time to pay thorough attention to character.  Beware of overzealous behavior because it's pretentious.   Tread lightly.

Be glad that it's over between you two.  If he hadn't dumped you, he would've done something very bad to you after you moved closer to his city.  It was only a matter of time.  He's shady and NOT a decent human being.  In your mind, dump him back.  Reject him entirely.  He's not good enough to be the dirt you stand upon! 

At 2 weeks post-breakup, it's still all so new and shocking.  Take baby steps and one day at a time.  In the meantime, take extra good care of yourself. 

[1a1a]

I’ve been there. My last serious relationship ending shattered me and took yeeeears to recover from. 
 

Some things I know now I wish I’d known then; this relationship ending has very likely activated an old trauma that deserves to be acknowledged and then healed. How to spot and correct cognitive distortions. That what I tend to think about is what my brain is going to get really good at thinking about (so it’s even more important to observe thoughts like ‘I’m alone’ and ‘I’ll never find someone’ and refuse to feed them with more thinking. Think instead about the smell of spring or patting a dog or singing your favourite song or the last time you laughed deliriously with someone else, think about a positive memory). That my friends aren’t the best people to burden with endless rumination (journaling and psychologist for that). Journaling is a good tool for getting it all out of your brain. Writing entries in the third person may help with coming to terms with them, may even prod you to consider the other persons side of it. That you can find and join hiking groups on Facebook (or meetup.com). That participating in social activities with strangers really does help get you out of your head, prioritise this! That we can soothe ourselves. And in a calm moment brainstorm a list of things that can anchor you when you feel yourself getting freaked out/overcome with grief. Next time a wave of sadness hits you try some of the things on the list. That placing your face in a bowl of ice cold water resets the nervous system (and we need a little reset because your ex leaving you has caused your body to respond like you’ve been ostracised from the tribe and now you’re alone in the jungle surrounded by predators and in DANGER!!!!!! And for this reason, one, you need to do some deep breathing to convince your body you’re actually safe, and keep smashing the workouts because all those fight or flight chemicals need to get used up or they just hang around in the body). Before bed write down a few things from the day you’re grateful for. 
 

Try listening to Eckhart Tolle talking about heartbreak on YouTube, try reading his book a new earth, try reading breakup bootcamp, try listening to guided meditations for letting go of past relationships. Try the things suggested upthread and above all keep moving forward. Don’t stay still long enough for the night few of sadness to settle on you. 
 

Your mission over the coming months is to literally create and reinforce the neural pathways for letting go of someone and recovering your equilibrium. 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Sithren said:

I’ve actually seen a doctor and counsellor, nothing really helps.

For how long?  Did you actually try to 'talk things out'?  I don't mean 2 visits and to admit you don't like it.

IF you don't feel comfy with that therapist, ask for a different one.  I have been to therapy many times over the yrs.  Yes, they can & do help.. IF you try & work with them & be honest.  And don't forget, this stuff takes time.

Expect the 'waves' of emotions. and yes, sounds like anxiety.... Be kind to yourself, try to work on eating & getting some rest and give yourself time to do this.  I do think that in time, this will start to help you improve.

And please make sure you are not following this guy online etc.  So NO reminders in order to work on 'letting go', etc.

[Sithren]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This isn't going to sound very helpful but you just need to put one foot in front of the other and go forward.  

Set yourself small steps you can accomplish, starting with getting out of bed, putting yourself together (I advise against spending the day in sweats etc) and doing your work, going to the gym, some type of social contact.

The intrusive thoughts I understand, but it's important that you tell yourself they're not the truth whenever they penetrate.   This is a very short relationship that did not work out.  You made some possibly poor choices -I'm not sure about that, as maybe your new job or something in your new life might turn out to be very favorable for you; but moving for a relationship that has not been tested in any way is likely to have been hasty.  BUT, a failed relationship has nothing to do with your worthiness.  Make sure you tell yourself that this kind of self talk is BS whenever you catch yourself doing it.

 

Thank you, I’ll keep trying my best to push forward. It’s been so hard

[Sithren]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It's only been two weeks. It's unrealistic to think a counselor will be able to make you feel better in 14 days.

You didn't answer my questions. Are you doing any of the things I asked about? If so, do you believe doing those things will help you feel better? And please don't say you can't help it.  You can. No, it's not "easy". Nothing worthwhile is. But it's 100% necessary.

Please continue with counseling. If you aren't able to function at work and are this distressed, it's vital you continue to care for yourself.

I will admit, I did check his profile sometime last week but I stopped.

 I guess I will keep seeing the counsellor and hope it helps

[Sithren]

8 hours ago, Justsomeone said:

Two weeks is still very fresh. And it’s normal to feel like that. It will take time.
i know because I’ve been there before. Keeping busy and exercise helps even if you don’t feel like doing anything. I found that laying in bed actually made me feel worse.

You may not be able to control your feelings but you can control your actions  so keep busy. I found that if I can’t sleep over feelings of anxiety, I go exercise or take a shower to feel refresh. Do something that will make you feel good but keep moving even if you don’t feel like you want to. In time you will feel better, you will get yourself back and he will be a distant memory.

Yes it’s quite fresh but it has completely taken control of my life like I’m lagging behind and not doing things I should.

I feel very drained. I will try to do those activities, it’s like even when I do then I think about the whole situation.

[Sithren]

7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you for your kind words, too.

You're still a young lady. 

He's not worthy of having YOU.  He does NOT deserve you.  I'm sorry it hurts so bad.  One of these days, I want you to say in your brain and aloud:  "Good riddance!"  One day, you will feel relieved to have rid of him.  He's a bad apple.  If not you, no doubt he has done this to someone else and will do this to someone else in the future.  Once a cad, always a cad. 

Being burned is a terrible feeling.  Your key takeaway here is that you're more intelligent and keenly aware how to protect yourself in the future because CHARACTER is what you'll observe the most.  It takes time to pay thorough attention to character.  Beware of overzealous behavior because it's pretentious.   Tread lightly.

Be glad that it's over between you two.  If he hadn't dumped you, he would've done something very bad to you after you moved closer to his city.  It was only a matter of time.  He's shady and NOT a decent human being.  In your mind, dump him back.  Reject him entirely.  He's not good enough to be the dirt you stand upon! 

At 2 weeks post-breakup, it's still all so new and shocking.  Take baby steps and one day at a time.  In the meantime, take extra good care of yourself. 

Thank you.

I sure hope these feelings leave my system.

Sometimes I tell myself he is not a very good person to do this and the other times I try to justify it.

It’s like I’m stuck in a cycle.

I will keep try and fingers crossed that one day I let it all go

[Sithren]

5 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I’ve been there. My last serious relationship ending shattered me and took yeeeears to recover from. 
 

Some things I know now I wish I’d known then; this relationship ending has very likely activated an old trauma that deserves to be acknowledged and then healed. How to spot and correct cognitive distortions. That what I tend to think about is what my brain is going to get really good at thinking about (so it’s even more important to observe thoughts like ‘I’m alone’ and ‘I’ll never find someone’ and refuse to feed them with more thinking. Think instead about the smell of spring or patting a dog or singing your favourite song or the last time you laughed deliriously with someone else, think about a positive memory). That my friends aren’t the best people to burden with endless rumination (journaling and psychologist for that). Journaling is a good tool for getting it all out of your brain. Writing entries in the third person may help with coming to terms with them, may even prod you to consider the other persons side of it. That you can find and join hiking groups on Facebook (or meetup.com). That participating in social activities with strangers really does help get you out of your head, prioritise this! That we can soothe ourselves. And in a calm moment brainstorm a list of things that can anchor you when you feel yourself getting freaked out/overcome with grief. Next time a wave of sadness hits you try some of the things on the list. That placing your face in a bowl of ice cold water resets the nervous system (and we need a little reset because your ex leaving you has caused your body to respond like you’ve been ostracised from the tribe and now you’re alone in the jungle surrounded by predators and in DANGER!!!!!! And for this reason, one, you need to do some deep breathing to convince your body you’re actually safe, and keep smashing the workouts because all those fight or flight chemicals need to get used up or they just hang around in the body). Before bed write down a few things from the day you’re grateful for. 
 

Try listening to Eckhart Tolle talking about heartbreak on YouTube, try reading his book a new earth, try reading breakup bootcamp, try listening to guided meditations for letting go of past relationships. Try the things suggested upthread and above all keep moving forward. Don’t stay still long enough for the night few of sadness to settle on you. 
 

Your mission over the coming months is to literally create and reinforce the neural pathways for letting go of someone and recovering your equilibrium. 

I can really relate with this. 
Thank you for the tips, I will be trying them.

I really do need to get it out of my system cause it’s consuming me

[Sithren]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

For how long?  Did you actually try to 'talk things out'?  I don't mean 2 visits and to admit you don't like it.

IF you don't feel comfy with that therapist, ask for a different one.  I have been to therapy many times over the yrs.  Yes, they can & do help.. IF you try & work with them & be honest.  And don't forget, this stuff takes time.

Expect the 'waves' of emotions. and yes, sounds like anxiety.... Be kind to yourself, try to work on eating & getting some rest and give yourself time to do this.  I do think that in time, this will start to help you improve.

And please make sure you are not following this guy online etc.  So NO reminders in order to work on 'letting go', etc.

I’ve had 3 visits so far.

It’s not been bad, I guess it’s just me wanting this to be over. It’s really affecting my job and life I feel helpless.

I just felt like it wasn’t doing it for me, but I will keep going and see what happens

 

[SooSad33]

50 minutes ago, Sithren said:

I’ve had 3 visits so far.

It’s not been bad, I guess it’s just me wanting this to be over. It’s really affecting my job and life I feel helpless.

I just felt like it wasn’t doing it for me, but I will keep going and see what happens

Yeah, that's rough when it is affecting all around you 😕 .

But also think on this... You were okay before him, you'll be okay after him!

I had to constantly remind myself of the idiot he was.  Say out loud, the crap that ticked me off about him... His loss 😉 .

And I had a journal in which I'd write day after day.. for months all I'd like to say.  It also helped me along.

I know... it takes too long, because you feel so crappy .. but sadly this is what happens when you choose to get involved.  ( I know I dont have it in me and have been fine on my own for over 3 yrs now).

Take it easy... work through it and Believe that you CAN do this.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Sithren said:

it’s just me wanting this to be over

It's not going to be over in 2 weeks, OP. You need to be a lot more patient with yourself. You have unrealistic expectations of how quickly you should be feeling okay again. 

It's going to take time. Keep seeing your counsellor and have faith in the process. It does get better but you are going to need to process these feelings. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Sithren said:

I’ve actually seen a doctor and counsellor, nothing really helps. I’m on some meds to sleep 

Get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Sleeping pills aren't the answer. You need to find out what's wrong. Talk therapy is supportive but you can't talk away medical problems.

Try to stop taking a pull yourself up by your bootstraps approach to your physical and mental health. Find out for sure what is going on.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 weeks is very little time to move on.

Ride the wave... Enjoy feeling bad and get yourself ice cream/a nice treat daily. Be compassionate with yourself and learn to love yourself as you go through tough times in your life.

And to be fair, I think you're doing well by going out to the gym and reaching out to friends. Make sure to just be kind to yourself and step by step you'll be over him.

Reg. Therapy, please reach out to a couple of new therapists if the current one doesn't really resonate with you. Most people have to try 2-5 to find the therapist that will push them in a better direction and tell them what they need to hear.

[goddess]

Let me preface this by saying that I am not trying to make light of your situation or to be mean.  I am sorry that happened to you.  I agree with what Jaunty said.  It hurts and it's very horrible feeling.  But, you have to be realistic and realise that there is no easy fix.  What you are feeling is normal and only time will help heal your broken heart.  Hang in there as best as you can and take heed of the advice that the above posters offered to you.  Take it from me - you will mend,  Just to throw it out there:  my ex blind sided me after 29 years of marriage when he said he wanted a divorce.  That was 3.5 years ago.  Yes, you feel that your world has crumbled beneath your feet but, like I mentioned, give time a chance.  I feel so much better now; you will, too.  Hang in there, girl.  You can do it, OK?

[Jaunty]

Also, at some point - maybe it was on your other thread elsewhere - people suggested you go back to where you were before you moved (to another country?)  for this relationship.  Your response was that it was "too late" for you.   

It's not too late for you to move somewhere else.  You're in your 20's and evidently you have a profession that enables you to move around.   So that is a possibility.  I'm not advising it, or against it, but you do have that option.  

Is the same language spoken where you now live as where you lived before?  Do you have any family or friends there?   Do you really like your job?  Can you immerse yourself in learning your new role and all the details of the company and work?  

If the answer to most of these things is "no" and you're mostly trying to fill your time and not cry about this guy, perhaps you might want to consider going somewhere where you won't be isolated.

Otherwise throw yourself into your work more than you are and think about taking up some kind of fairly consuming extracurricular activity that interests you and has other people involved - like some kind of athletics, if that's your thing (crossfit, training for a race, etc.) or something creative (a writing workshop, joining a theatre group), learn a language,  or work with a charity endeavor.  Those are just examples.  Start with what truly interests you and make a commitment to that.  

Your days need to be full and your mind does too.