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I'm afraid to tell my much more experienced boyfriend that he took my virginity.


tangytangerine
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6 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

I haven't lied. I haven't told him anything yet.

I also think your last point is a bit simplistic. STDs, sure, but that can be remedied with responsibility and openness. (I asked my BF if we both could be tested before we had sex.) Also, some people just have casual sex to have fun and enjoy it with no regrets.

Opinions vary, and that's why you came onto a forum...for different opinions.

I don't feel it's simplistic whatsoever. More sex=more possibilities of an STD.

That's pretty much a given. 

I don't feel it's something to be proud of to be able to say you've had several partners.

I'm wondering why he has even mentioned that to you. 

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Not sure how long you've been involved with him.... but, how you see this & how he see's it is most likely quite different.

YOU are kinda 'new' with this.  HE is not.

A lot of the time, imo, guys are very into the 'sex', of course.  Male species is born to reproduce 😉 .  Females,  are more known to 'nurture'.   So, yeah, they'll do most anything to get it...right?  lol

Also, women will get emotionally attached most often before the man will. 

Lots to think on here.. BUT, yeah, please don't OVER think everything!  As already mentioned, you can ruin what you've got now.

Go with the flow and hopefully you will experience a decent relationship with him and you'll make it past the honeymoon phase and into something real and meaningful.  Learning how you mesh and your differences, etc.

If you're into reading, go find a place online & look for the book 'Men are from Mars, women from Venus'.  Interesting read.

Oh, and as for you feeling you have to let him know he is your first.. It may just possibly end up in conversation, but I dont see a need to have to offer it.  IMO, it doesn't really matter.. I just hope he isn't the type to 'brag' about all he's had ( like another notch on his bedpost). 

Is fact, some guys will go through one women, onto another etc.  Not sure if they're really trying to 'find the one', or just living it up, not ready to actually settle down.  But, this is part of life & experiences.. you'll see 😉 

Enjoy & good luck.

 

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8 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

 . I had a really controlling upbringing which led me to being a late bloomer, 

The best thing you can do is see your physician/gyn. If you grew up in an oppressive home, you need to discuss appropriate contraceptives and since your BF is supposedly quite "experienced", you'll need STD testing and education 

As far as overcoming insecurities, ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

Is there a reason you feel insecure or inferior around him? Are you from different cultural or socioeconomic backgrounds?

Do you still live at home? Are your parents still oppressive?

It may also be best to discontinue striving to emulate popular culture that you have to be some sort of sex kitten who hooks up with a bunch of different guys and so on.

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8 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

My boyfriend has had many sexual partners before me. Several LTRs and many admitted hookups that always left me feeling slightly insecure, even though he has been very attentive, loving and dedicated to me. It's not that I doubt he loves me or fears he will cheat on me. Or that he's even unsatisfied--we've said to each other before that we're having the best sex of our lives with each other.

The thing is, he doesn't know it's the best sex of my life not only because he's an astounding partner--but also because he's literally the first sex of my life. I had a really controlling upbringing which led me to being a late bloomer, but before I met my boyfriend, frankly, I practiced a lot on sex toys and got real in tune with myself what I like sexually so I wouldn't feel behind in a relationship.

But my boyfriend is the first man I've held hands with, kissed and made love with. Whenever we talk about our sexual pasts, I get really bothered by the idea by the fact I will eventually have to tell him--or he'll find out--that he's my first everything. Will he see me differently? Respect me less? It also feels very embarrassing to admit compared to how very experienced he is.

How do I get over this?

I honestly do not think this is really a problem. Most guys are flattered to be someone’s first and I am sure if he really likes you he won’t care. I would just tell him if he asks but doesn’t matter if he doesn’t because the rest of what you’re feeling is all in your head. If he is so experienced I guess let him teach you things and find out what he likes. I don’t think you guys should talk about each other’s sexual pasts though unless you need to have an STD talk. The only reason to talk about all the people you have had sex with is to make someone jealous and that’s a whole other problem entirely. Good luck 

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7 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

No to all four. We have a great time in bed. 

Okay, this will sound silly, but bear with me. Our situation is not unique--couples with different sexual pasts being extremely sexual compatible their relationships have failed anyway, sometimes relating to one partner taking for granted another, especially in regards to their lack of romantic experience before them. To give a celebrity example, Beyonce and Jay-Z. She's known to have little experience before Jay-Z, just a high school boyfriend who, according to her in interviews, she was waiting until marriage with him, but he cheated on her, they broke up, and then she met Jay-Z. She's a very confident, sexy woman, but even then, in her marriage to Jay-Z, he took her for granted and cheated on her. I don't mean to compare myself to celebrities, just to share a relationship dynamic that can strike at anytime.

I really don't like this mindset.  Loads of people cheat, regardless of sex or race or whatever.

To me, this akin to thinking your partner will murder uou just because murder does happen fairly frequently.  Nowhere near what the news would have you believe, but that's beside the point.  I also don't think it's a good idea to ever compare yourself to a celebrity in any way.  In your regards, especially not relationship quality.  Very few celebrities are known to have long, happy relationships. 

But I also find it sad that all this comes from him being your first no matter his experience.  And hey, experience can be a really good thing.  He's pleasing you, right?

 But the crux of all this is you just should've been honest.  Unlike men, there's not a stigma toward female virgins.  A lot of men would be very happy with that, truthfully.

I, for one, think you're in your head giving yourself a hard time over nothing.  Put your concentration more towards the actual quality of the relationship.

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I think one issue is you keep writing you're presenting yourself as confident and self-assured - are you being enough of your true self? I don't mean to project insecurities onto him -to subject him to neediness or clinginess- just be "real" - are you ok being goofy/silly/without makeup etc? 

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Yes. I love being silly and having fun. I don't even wear makeup. 

But I'm also very confident in the bedroom. I hold my own with guys. People tell me I'm strong, I come off across as really centered and free, etc.

I remember girls from high school and college who were definitely inexperienced but tried so hard to come across as more experienced than they were. I always vowed to not be like that, for one because it was so obvious and embarrassing. I said to myself, as I learn about love and sex, if I'm going to come across as young and inexperienced, so be it. I'll learn naturally and won't pretend to be what I'm not yet.

So where I am now is not an act. I really worked hard to let my insecurities go, love myself, and settle into my own skin. But I do know a lot of that strong, sexy confidence people have is because of experience, where mine comes from...introspection and self-love. It's a little unusual, no? Imagine getting such a va va voom female and then she tells you: actually, I have no experience before you. It's a little like whiplash, no? You'd be left wondering: where did all this come from? Lol

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10 minutes ago, tangytangerine said:

I do know a lot of that strong, sexy confidence people have is because of experience, where mine comes from...introspection and self-love. It's a little unusual, no? Imagine getting such a va va voom female and then she tells you: actually, I have no experience before you. It's a little like whiplash, no? 

I disagree. Confidence comes from within, not experience. At All. It's unclear where these myths come from but just enjoy building your relationship and you'll be fine.

Where your inexperience does show is that sex is new to you and now you've discovered it and think Wow! I'm the only one who knows how great it is.

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16 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

Beyonce and Jay-Z. She's known to have little experience before Jay-Z, just a high school boyfriend who, according to her in interviews, she was waiting until marriage with him, but he cheated on her, they broke up, and then she met Jay-Z. She's a very confident, sexy woman, but even then, in her marriage to Jay-Z, he took her for granted and cheated on her. I don't mean to compare myself to celebrities, just to share a relationship dynamic that can strike at anytime.

The types and amount of pressures that celebrities are subjected to as they go about their everyday lives could shatter any relationship.  Also people who are famous and idolized get a different view of themselves than normal people do.

In any case, Jay-Z cheated because he was inclined to cheat.  I'm confident that he probably cheated on former women in his life who had plenty of sexual experiences.

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1 hour ago, tangytangerine said:

It's a little unusual, no? Imagine getting such a va va voom female and then she tells you: actually, I have no experience before you. It's a little like whiplash, no? You'd be left wondering: where did all this come from? Lol

The answer to your questions is NO.  There is nothing to be worried about.  Plenty of people who have a lot of sexual experiences have more opportunities to collect baggage and insecurities - have you been on this board or others like it?  Women aren't generally here reveling in their confidence about having lots of partners.  They are more likely to be concerned (often appropriately) that the guy is just trying to get sex, or whether she had sex too early and he'd think she was "easy."  You will often find posts from men complaining that the woman has too high of a "number."

If your bf were the type to take advantage of you in some way because you had no prior sexual experience, he is the type to take advantage of you in any way he can. 

Actually, you are describing yourself as a basic male fantasy trope:  Perfect girl, amazing at sex, but never had any partner other than him.  

 

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3 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

But I do know a lot of that strong, sexy confidence people have is because of experience, where mine comes from...introspection and self-love. It's a little unusual, no? Imagine getting such a va va voom female and then she tells you: actually, I have no experience before you. It's a little like whiplash, no? You'd be left wondering: where did all this come from? Lol

In my opinion confidence in the bedroom is part of being in a committed, loving, caring relationship where both people can be themselves.  Being technically good at sex is important more when the focus is on performing to a certain standard especially if one or both have a strong preference -or fetish -for a particular position or way of performing.  

I was  told once by a guy who wanted me to have casual sex with him on the third or 4th date that I seemed to have hangups when we were fooling around/hooking up.  I didn't -not in general -I simply didn't feel comfortable being pressured to have sex.  

I don't really relate to your perspective -as if being good in the bedroom is part of being "va va voom" or some technical proficiency -like performance art. Or that introspection and self-love improves how you perform sexually.  Certainly feeling comfortable with your body and in your own skin helps in dating in general and in being affectionate but I'm confused by how you're analyzing this.

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I was nervous and self-conscious the first time I had sex with an ex boyfriend.  I know I was definitely not "va va voom".  It wasn't because it was my first time (it wasn't), but that I really liked the guy but the relationship was still new.  He didn't dump me for being "bad" in bed.  As time went on I got more comfortable.

I still don't understand why you think this guy is going to give you some kind of hard time or be disappointed if you tell him he's your first and only.  What has he done to make you not trust him?

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where your inexperience does show is that sex is new to you and now you've discovered it and think Wow! I'm the only one who knows how great it is.

Lol, what did I say that makes you think I feel that way?

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm confident that he probably cheated on former women in his life who had plenty of sexual experiences.

That's true.

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

your bf were the type to take advantage of you in some way because you had no prior sexual experience, he is the type to take advantage of you in any way he can.

Your whole post, but this especially really helped set things in perspective for me.

 

4 hours ago, jul-els said:

Everything’s great between the two of you and you’re happy. Just rest in that and allow it to be. 

Thank you. This was also very helpful.

 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

In my opinion confidence in the bedroom is part of being in a committed, loving, caring relationship where both people can be themselves

I can defintely agree with this.

 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I know I was definitely not "va va voom".

I don't really relate to your perspective -as if being good in the bedroom is part of being "va va voom" or some technical proficiency -like performance art.

Ah, I don't mean va va voom like I'm trying to be sexually impressive. I'm having a good time naturally and I was wondering if the confidence and enjoyment between us would confuse him if he learned I was a virgin. 

But it's all moot. I defintely see I'm overthinking. One of my bad habits, lol.

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23 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

When we learns that I'm that way not because of experience... well, he could wonder what is the cause of it? Is this confident woman who I thought is that way because of life experience is really  that way because she's very introspective, will he see my maturity and confidence as some type of sham? 

With what you've written above, it doesn't sound like you've been around men all that much during your lifetime, because the the ones I know would never be thinking this psychoanalytical nonsense. 

The ones I've known would be thinking: This is so great, there's a naked woman in my bed.

Female: By the way, you're my first.

Him: Really? Huh. You wanna go get a burger?

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Virginity as a concept was invented as an attempt to control (female) sexuality.  You are perfect as you are whether you had sexual penetrative intercourse with one person or a 100.

And, sex doesn’t have to be defined as penetrative!  A person who loves you, which you deserve, doesn't care.  Also, why is he telling you about his sexual adventures with others.  When he tries again, just put your finger over his lips, and say these words, "shh...I don't care."

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I've been in four long term relationships including with my husband and I don't remember any of them asking me for details of my previous sexual experiences or me asking for details of theirs. It's so bizarre to me that it would even come up as a topic of conversation.

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I've been in four long term relationships including with my husband and I don't remember any of them asking me for details of my previous sexual experiences or me asking for details of theirs. It's so bizarre to me that it would even come up as a topic of conversation.

Once Aids hit then it became important to get tested and perhaps inform as far as whether there were many previous partners, but not details.

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