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I'm afraid to tell my much more experienced boyfriend that he took my virginity.


tangytangerine
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My boyfriend has had many sexual partners before me. Several LTRs and many admitted hookups that always left me feeling slightly insecure, even though he has been very attentive, loving and dedicated to me. It's not that I doubt he loves me or fears he will cheat on me. Or that he's even unsatisfied--we've said to each other before that we're having the best sex of our lives with each other.

The thing is, he doesn't know it's the best sex of my life not only because he's an astounding partner--but also because he's literally the first sex of my life. I had a really controlling upbringing which led me to being a late bloomer, but before I met my boyfriend, frankly, I practiced a lot on sex toys and got real in tune with myself what I like sexually so I wouldn't feel behind in a relationship.

But my boyfriend is the first man I've held hands with, kissed and made love with. Whenever we talk about our sexual pasts, I get really bothered by the idea by the fact I will eventually have to tell him--or he'll find out--that he's my first everything. Will he see me differently? Respect me less? It also feels very embarrassing to admit compared to how very experienced he is.

How do I get over this?

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I guess I'm also fearful of when people view sex as power. A more experienced partner could see a less experienced one as someone they can take advantage of because they have fewer people they can compare them to and thus are more attached. Even though our sex is great, will he see me as weird no-experience girl? Will he compare me to past partners?

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12 minutes ago, tangytangerine said:

Whenever we talk about our sexual pasts, I get really bothered by the idea by the fact I will eventually have to tell him--or he'll find out--that he's my first everything.

How long have you been dating ? How old is he? There is absolutely zero reason to be "talking about sexual pasts". That is a truth-or-dare slumber part game for teens. It does not belong in mature, secure relationships.

If you for whatever reason feel there is a power differential, level the field by being more confident and secure.

If  you are anxious in general try to address that. In the meantime cease the "sexual past" talks. Focus on Now not his your your past. If  he is the type of clown who brags about all the notches in his bedpost, dump him.

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Oh my goodness.  He didn't take anything from you.  You chose to have intercourse with him and he was the first person you had intercourse with.  He didn't "take" your "virginity" - you are no longer a virgin because you chose to have intercourse.  I don't think you have to tell him if you do not wish to -often the male partner can tell as there is bleeding, etc.  I told but we waited 1.5 years (we were in our early 20s).  

I believe the power differential is all in your head.  It doesn't matter if someone has 1 partner or 100 as far as being able to please a partner in a sexual way.  Some people have lots of partners and are not good at this and some have few and are.  

I'm sorry you feel so uncomfortable with this.  I am concerned how you know how many partners he has had -did he tell you as far as being careful to be tested beforehand for STDs or does he overshare about his sexual experience?  I was uncomfortable dating men who were comfortable with casual sex -I did but it was not my preference.  Not because I was concerned I didn't measure up, because I wanted to be seriously involved only with men who believed that sexual intercourse was for  two committed partners in love with each other.  

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I am 26 and he is 30.

Thank god, my boyfriend does not brag about his sexual conquests, doesn't even refer to it that way. There has been only one casual talk about who we were with before we met each other.

Batya, I agree with you on your perspective on "taking virginity." I worded my title poorly, but I feel the same--I was never a type to overvalue the concept of virginity. I don't feel he took anything from me. I'm glad my first introduction to sex was with such a respectful, loving man.

Wiseman, your comment about being secure and confident is something that really resonates because I really worked on that before dating. 

But still, I worry, like the concerns in my original post.

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Does your boyfriend have a habit of comparing you to others?  Does he imply you aren't meeting his needs or you aren't satisfying him?  Does he talk about the sexual prowess of his exes?  Does he talk about women he had sex with before doing things you aren't willing to do?  

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32 minutes ago, tangytangerine said:

I am 26 and he is 30.

Thank god, my boyfriend does not brag about his sexual conquests, doesn't even refer to it that way. There has been only one casual talk about who we were with before we met each other.

Batya, I agree with you on your perspective on "taking virginity." I worded my title poorly, but I feel the same--I was never a type to overvalue the concept of virginity. I don't feel he took anything from me. I'm glad my first introduction to sex was with such a respectful, loving man.

Wiseman, your comment about being secure and confident is something that really resonates because I really worked on that before dating. 

But still, I worry, like the concerns in my original post.

I was 24 my first time and I agree with you it was good to wait for a loving relationship.  I think one casual talk is so very typical and normal and I understand he probably assumes he was not your first given your age.  Mine knew I was.

Just to cheer you up - I am 56 and over 20 years ago there was a rap song where the woman sings "and he asked me if he was my first and I said...... why do you guys always ask me that????"  LOL always chuckled at that.

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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Does your boyfriend have a habit of comparing you to others?  Does he imply you aren't meeting his needs or you aren't satisfying him?  Does he talk about the sexual prowess of his exes?  Does he talk about women he had sex with before doing things you aren't willing to do?  

No to all four. We have a great time in bed. 

Okay, this will sound silly, but bear with me. Our situation is not unique--couples with different sexual pasts being extremely sexual compatible their relationships have failed anyway, sometimes relating to one partner taking for granted another, especially in regards to their lack of romantic experience before them. To give a celebrity example, Beyonce and Jay-Z. She's known to have little experience before Jay-Z, just a high school boyfriend who, according to her in interviews, she was waiting until marriage with him, but he cheated on her, they broke up, and then she met Jay-Z. She's a very confident, sexy woman, but even then, in her marriage to Jay-Z, he took her for granted and cheated on her. I don't mean to compare myself to celebrities, just to share a relationship dynamic that can strike at anytime.

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Honesty is one of the most vital parts of a relationship.

I realize you felt you had reasons to lie, but lying is still lying.

You were in fact, a virgin when you met him.

You should have been honest about it right from the start despite your ego and self doubt.

Also, having more partners does not make you better, or winning something, it just means that there is a possibility that he has had more STD's and more bad experiences (hence why they didn't work).

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1 minute ago, tangytangerine said:

No to all four. We have a great time in bed. 

So why are you looking for issues when there aren't any?  Do you secretly want out of this relationship and are hoping he'll break up with you if you "confess" you were a virgin when you two had sex the first time?

I have no idea why you're worrying about this if you don't want to break up.  Any relationship could potentially end at any time, but why ruin everything worrying about something that "might" happen?

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So why are you looking for issues when there aren't any?  Do you secretly want out of this relationship and are hoping he'll break up with you if you "confess" you were a virgin when you two had sex the first time?

I have no idea why you're worrying about this if you don't want to break up.  Any relationship could potentially end at any time, but why ruin everything worrying about something that "might" happen?

No secret desires to exit relationship. Just trying to come to term with these insecurities so I don't ruin said relationship, which is really good.

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1 hour ago, tangytangerine said:

I get really bothered by the idea by the fact I will eventually have to tell him--or he'll find out--that he's my first everything. Will he see me differently? Respect me less? It also feels very embarrassing to admit compared to how very experienced he is.

I think that if you keep what you see as a "secret," will bring you numerous years of stress over something that you're making a mountain over a molehill over.

Why not tell him and see what his character is like? If he treats you negatively in any way, isn't it better to find out now rather investing more time into someone who ends up being a jerk?

And if you think so highly of him, do you think he'll become a monster with this knowledge because you don't know him well enough to have faith in him? Or that your upbringing has made you anxious and scared of trusting anyone? 

I'd let him know in a casual way, without angst, and briefly, just as you've said here. In a matter of fact way, though, without embarrassment. If you don't see anything wrong with it, that's all that's important. If your partner is weird about it, then he's not who you want as a partner. It's not like he's the last man on the planet.

Listen to the song, Have a Little Faith in Me by John Hiatt. 

Isn't that insulting to assume the worst in a partner?

 

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3 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Honesty is one of the most vital parts of a relationship.

I realize you felt you had reasons to lie, but lying is still lying.

You were in fact, a virgin when you met him.

You should have been honest about it right from the start despite your ego and self doubt.

Also, having more partners does not make you better, or winning something, it just means that there is a possibility that he has had more STD's and more bad experiences (hence why they didn't work).

I haven't lied. I haven't told him anything yet.

I also think your last point is a bit simplistic. STDs, sure, but that can be remedied with responsibility and openness. (I asked my BF if we both could be tested before we had sex.) Also, some people just have casual sex to have fun and enjoy it with no regrets.

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3 minutes ago, tangytangerine said:

No secret desires to exit relationship. Just trying to come to term with these insecurities so I don't ruin said relationship, which is really good.

If you don't find a healthy outlet for your insecurities you may end up driving him away with your fear and suspicion.

Is there any way you can find help for your personal issues?

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Please, don't become a victim of popular culture and what's considered a "norm". And I don't mean the Beyonce-Jay-Z example you've given, I mean the whole concept of "sex as power" and numbers as a source of confidence.

Number of sexual partners and sexual compatibility - no direct connection between those.
Number of sexual partners and respect in a relationship - no direct connection between those, either.

If you feel cared for, respected, loved, desired, there's nothing to be afraid of. I agree with Wiseman that discussing previous romantic or sexual experience is unnecessary. But since you seem bothered by it, I will go with Andrina's suggestion to mention it briefly and without a huge emotional charge.

If, for some reason, this changes how your boyfriend views you (I highly doubt it), then he's not a suitable partner. As for being taken for granted - this depends on values and how much effort you both put into nurturing your relationship. If there's an imbalance and one side puts too much, then the other may start building resentment. As long as there's a fair give and take, there's no point in making up non-existing problems. Good luck.

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3 hours ago, tangytangerine said:

 Whenever we talk about our sexual pasts,

^ What exactly have you told him when you guys talk about your sexual past?

Small tip: There is never any reason for couples to talk about their past sexual escapades. That is in the past. Personal. Private. MYOB basically. You focus on what you have in front of you and leave the past in the past.  If he treats you right and respects you, then that's what you focus on.

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2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Honesty is one of the most vital parts of a relationship.

I realize you felt you had reasons to lie, but lying is still lying.

You were in fact, a virgin when you met him.

You should have been honest about it right from the start despite your ego and self doubt.

Also, having more partners does not make you better, or winning something, it just means that there is a possibility that he has had more STD's and more bad experiences (hence why they didn't work).

Why? It's not necessarily any of his business whether he was her first or not, it's a pretty important fact to the op and this is why she is considering telling him but it's entirely up to her when if and how she does.

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18 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ What exactly have you told him when you guys talk about your sexual past?

Small tip: There is never any reason for couples to talk about their past sexual escapades. That is in the past. Personal. Private. MYOB basically. You focus on what you have in front of you and leave the past in the past.  If he treats you right and respects you, then that's what you focus on.

It can just come up naturally though, if you've never had another partner then it might come up at some point, like they'll notice if you never mentioning any previous partners isn't just you being private about it.

I felt kinda the same when I lost my virgnity at 27 and also since I can go years between sex, it always feels kinda like being a virgin again and I know that a conversation along the lines of 'so you're pretty inexperienced' is likely to come up.

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OP, to be brutally honest, I just can't get my head around the fact that you can sleep with a guy, have great sex etc etc for as long as you have been together, and yet you can't say "you're my first".  Three simple words.  What's so hard about that?  It's not a crime. It's not something shocking.  It's not like you have slept with 300 men before him.

So, next time you "talk about our past sex lives", all you need is three simple words:  "You're my first".  There ya go. Problem solved.

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I will maybe say something controversial, but, assuming you are a woman, no guy would object that you slept with less guys before him then he assumed. No guy in the history of the world would say: "Damn baby, I will leave you now because you havent sleped with more guys. Go sleep with 10 more and get experienced." Its just not gona happen. Because, no matter how modern sexual revolution tries to present it, guys would still be glad that you havent had the whole football team of partners then if you actually did. 

If he is satisfied with sex, trust me, he wont care if he is first. He would probably be glad. Heck I wonder how he hasnt noticed that because its not like women could hide that fact that easily, but you say you used toys so maybe you "breached it" before he had a chance to do it. So, feel free to tell him.

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I just want to say thank you for everybody for giving advice and helping me out with this. It really helps.

If I really think about it, this is what I really fear: I really fell hard for him. Not because he was my first, but because we are really a great fit. But telling him that he's my first...I don't want him to think I'm so into him because I'm some naive partner getting attached to the first person she slept with. I don't want him to wonder, "is she so into the sex because she doesn't know any better, hasn't had anything else to compare to?" 

I present myself as a very confident, self-assured woman. When we learns that I'm that way not because of experience... well, he could wonder what is the cause of it? Is this confident woman who I thought is that way because of life experience is really  that way because she's very introspective, will he see my maturity and confidence as some type of sham? 

So, if he wonders those things, I have this fear he will begin to doubt the strength and maturity of our connection, and not be into me as much.

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If he had a choice between you having a full sexual past and none I would bet good money he would chose no sexual past in a heartbeat. 

 What you have with him is between you two, not between what you know and what he knows because it is what you both have learned together in bed.  Experience with another person does not automatically translate into them being a good sexual partner for you.  In fact many times it can be the opposite. 

 Speak up on what you like and don't like, encourage him when he is rocking your world and steer him when he gets off course. If he truly cares about you his number one goal is your pleasure and I bet he could care less if you had zero partners or not.

By the way you may have never had sex with a man but if you masturbated with toys I don't think you are technically a virgin. 

Sounds like you have a good thing going here so get out of your own head and have fun!

Lost

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Congrats on your great connection with someone you really like!

Sounds as though you're projecting a lot of scenarios onto the guy. If you don't know him well enough to avoid doing that, then you can opt out of confiding anything until you feel secure enough to do so.

Either you know the guy well enough to trust him, or you're creating a barrier to that with your own stuff. Consider relaxing into the relationship enough to learn whether or not you can develop the trust and intimacy you deserve.

If you're able to do that, then discussing your real self will be a natural occurrence.

If you're unable to do that, then he's not a good enough match to confide anything, anyway.

See how it goes, and stop playing out worst case scenarios. Get to know the guy, and THEN decide where you want to stand with him.

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Why do you keep imagining all these doomsday scenarios? Why do you catastrophize? That's such a self destructive habit.

You are going to destroy this relationship if you can't get a handle on your irrational fears. 

Stop imagining these unrealistic scenarios and enjoy your good relationship.

Question...do you feel for some reason you don't deserve a healthy, loving relationship and partner?

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