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Massive depression over ex work colleague


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I've posted on here previously about this.

I got very attached to a work colleague, unfortunately she was unavailable, it was getting too much for me to take and I ended up quitting my job.

Issue now is I've got major depression, I still can't stop thinking about this ex work colleague of mine and I am checking her social media constantly even though she hardly posts. I have no motivation to do anything - even keeping my flat tidy or brushing my teeth etc. I've already thought about killing myself as I'm in that much emotional pain. 

I'm not looking for a lecture on how I shouldn't of got attached to this women, just some advice on how I can move on and start to move back into a positive direction. 

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1 hour ago, bluemax44 said:

 I have no motivation to do anything - even keeping my flat tidy or brushing my teeth etc. I've already thought about killing myself as I'm in that much emotional pain. 

I'm not looking for a lecture on how I shouldn't of got attached to this women, just some advice on how I can move on and start to move back into a positive direction. 

When things get to the point where you have thoughts of suicide, then the only way to start moving back into a positive direction is to seek professional counseling/therapy (imo).  As you have noticed, you can't do this on your own, so the next step is getting help.

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10 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

When things get to the point where you have thoughts of suicide, then the only way to start moving back into a positive direction is to seek professional counseling/therapy (imo).  As you have noticed, you can't do this on your own, so the next step is getting help.

I've tried therapy before and it did very little for me. Plus, it's expensive and I'm not working as I left this job. 

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Call a crisis intervention hotline in your area. Look up free resources online. 

This is not about the former colleague. It's about addressing the underlying issues that are suffocating you, which sound serious enough that you need professional support. 

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Call a crisis intervention hotline in your area. Look up free resources online. 

This is not about the former colleague. It's about addressing the underlying issues that are suffocating you, which sound serious enough that you need professional support. 

I've also recently come off some medication that I was on for a long period so I think that has added to the depression. Obviously the three things combined - job loss, medication withdrawal and this infatuation with co-worker has had a massive impact on me, but I can't see myself seeking out professional help right now. I've not had good experiences with them in the past and I'd rather try to focus on getting myself sorted out. 

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36 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

I've also recently come off some medication that I was on for a long period so I think that has added to the depression. Obviously the three things combined - job loss, medication withdrawal and this infatuation with co-worker has had a massive impact on me, but I can't see myself seeking out professional help right now. I've not had good experiences with them in the past and I'd rather try to focus on getting myself sorted out. 

I'm struggling to understand this.  So, you say you have all these issues, all causing you massive depression, etc etc, and you clearly can't deal with it on your own ..... but refuse professional help .... and then say you want to focus on getting yourself sorted out?   Can you tell us exactly how you intend to tackle all of these serious issues (including suicidal thoughts)?   Just trying to understand.

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42 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

but I can't see myself seeking out professional help right now. I've not had good experiences with them in the past and I'd rather try to focus on getting myself sorted out. 

I am sorry, but right now you need professional help. What you have is not something that would simply solve by itself. And you need to explore why the loss of somebody who simply wasnt with you in the first place, would result in you quiting job and even wanting suicide. That kind of questions would be solved with licensed professional as well as stuff like a possible need for medications. It would not be solved by you just waking up tomorrow, tidying up your room and magically feeling good. So I implore you to seek professional help in this matter.

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5 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

I've tried therapy before and it did very little for me

Then you were with the wrong therapist. You need to try 2-4 therapists to find the one whom you're comfortable with and who pushes you forward in life.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not a time for excuses. It's a time to step up for your health and be compassionate with yourself. So, you need to seek help and put yourself as number one. Please check a psychiatrist and they'll refer you to a few therapists. When you feel suicidal, call a hotline.

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6 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

 I am checking her social media constantly even though she hardly posts. I've already thought about killing myself.

First, take the knife out of the wound. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

There are mental health hotlines in the UK you can call for immediate help. If you're suicidal please call emergency services or get to an ER.

Then see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Review your lifestyle. Quit any bad habits. Improve your fitness and nutrition. 

She's not the cause of your depression, this situation is a symptom of it.

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You listed steps in your previous thread that you were going to follow to get over this unrequited crush.  One of them was to detach from social media. But you haven't done that.  That is definitely key.  Also quitting your job to get away from this woman without having another job lined up is contributing to your emotional distress.  And I hope you are not still drinking to excess.  Alcohol is a depressant, which is the last thing you need right now.

And I concur with the others.  This is no time to try to get yourself "sorted out" without the help of a professional, especially since you're having suicidal ideation.

There are tons of online resources.  Please look into those as well as hotlines you can call.  Hotlines are staffed with compassionate volunteers who have been through intensive training.  They can be of immense help.

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13 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

I'm not looking for a lecture on how I shouldn't of got attached to this women, just some advice on how I can move on and start to move back into a positive direction. 

What steps have you taken for help? Are you working through therapy, or have you made an appointment for any kind of assessment for counseling? Have you seen a medical doctor? Clergy? Anyone?

If cost is a factor, contact your closest university that offers PhD. or PsyD. programs to learn whether they have a Psychology Department that schedules low-to-no cost counseling sessions with supervised doctoral candidates.

Another option is to contact your local hospital's Human Services Department for a referral to a case worker who can counsel you and offer resources for help.

It makes no sense to isolate and ruminate--that's the opposite of self help. Nobody here can mobilize you to get the help you need, but consider this: nobody has a problem hiring a plumber, a contractor or a tax preparer when they need the expertise of someone for mundane matters. But this is bigger than that--it's your whole quality of life. So pursue help!

PS: I just saw this from Bolt it's great advice to pursue:

Quote

There are tons of online resources.  Please look into those as well as hotlines you can call.  Hotlines are staffed with compassionate volunteers who have been through intensive training.  They can be of immense help.

 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You listed steps in your previous thread that you were going to follow to get over this unrequited crush.  One of them was to detach from social media. But you haven't done that.  That is definitely key.  Also quitting your job to get away from this woman without having another job lined up is contributing to your emotional distress.  And I hope you are not still drinking to excess.  Alcohol is a depressant, which is the last thing you need right now.

And I concur with the others.  This is no time to try to get yourself "sorted out" without the help of a professional, especially since you're having suicidal ideation.

There are tons of online resources.  Please look into those as well as hotlines you can call.  Hotlines are staffed with compassionate volunteers who have been through intensive training.  They can be of immense help.

When I went back to work I stopped looking at her social media and I told her that I didn't want to have to communicate with her anymore. The issue was are manager then put us together everyday for the next couple of weeks. She started getting irritated with me for not talking to her and started making comments constantly even though I was ignoring them. Her partner was coming over and they would start getting touchy with each other directly in front of me, knowing I was having issues. 

Okay, I should of possibly told the manager but I didn't want to get moved from my department and leaving now gives me the option to go back in the future. Whereas my drinking was starting to effect my attendance & I didn't want to end up getting sacked by the company.

I will phone a doctor on Monday and see if I can get some different medication, I've also got a job interview on Tuesday so hopefully if I get that it will give me something to do. 

As regards to the social media, I've only got access to her Instagram, she pretty much never posts personal pictures but she reposts stories on there, but they're usually things about political/environmental issues, it's completely pointless me looking, but it's all become an addiction. Probably not helped that I'm unemployed so sitting around all day with nothing to do. 

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In regards to asking for medication I'm very 50/50 about it. I've had nothing but bad side effects from meds, almost to the point where they've taken my life over and killed any social contact. Which is probably one of the reasons I got so attached to this girl. I feel like getting a job and trying to life a healthier lifestyle would be worth giving a shot first. 

Also I wonder what people on here think of online therapy?

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8 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

Also I wonder what people on here think of online therapy?

I've never met my psychologist in person.   She and I communicate online only through Zoom.  I am exponentially better than I was before I started sessions with her.  I couldn't even leave home and now I can go out and about.  If I hadn't sought help I guarantee I'd still be cowering on my couch in the fetal position, terrified and depressed.

I had to try two medications before I got one that worked.  It also made a world of difference.

Good luck with the job interview.

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23 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

Also I wonder what people on here think of online therapy?

You may not want to hear this but you need to quit drinking. You've lost a job, friends and are isolated because of alcohol. You are at just about "rock bottom" as they call it.

No drugs, therapy, etc. is going to work unless you get that under control. Alcohol itself is a depressant and of course can not be mixed with many drugs that could help you.

No don't hide behind a screen doing  online therapy, where it's easier to deny the drinking.

Try some support groups:

https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

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38 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

Also I wonder what people on here think of online therapy?

You should be careful with that one. Bunch of youtubers got in trouble for promoting one of those(probably the biggest) online platforms where you meet with therapist for online session any time of the day. While it was convinient and sure that they helped somebody, turned out, bunch of those "therapists" werent really licensed and were just a normal people who were employed by platform. So you never know if you would get somebody good or not.

As far as just meeting online with licensed therapist, sure. Its just a way of communicating and in "Covid times" its even preferable way then meeting in person. 

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I know of many providing and receiving therapy via zoom sessions or telehealth and as you know massively increased because of Covid.  I respect that It might not be for everyone.  I don’t think a good therapist would let you hide behind a screen.  Obviously it can’t really work for play therapy with young kids or an approach that presumes interaction. 

The people I know doing it -interestingly enough - range from teenagers to a woman in her 60s.  
two years ago my son then 11 was doing virtual school and struggling with it but also with an emotional component.  

There was a high school senior in our community organization volunteering to provide online tutoring for free.
Our son had met him in person in the past.
We told the tutor privately that our son also needed support as far as self esteem related to being so isolated during the pandemic. so the teenager worked on homework stuff with our son but also engaged him in conversations about social and emotional stuff.

My point is it never occurred to me that the support and my son’s interaction with him was any less meaningful just because it wasn’t in person. In fact my sense was my son opened up to him more in that format than had they been in person.  He certainly wasn’t using the screen as a way to hide from connection and sharing.  I wish he was still available!!

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My psychologist is legit. So is my psychiatrist. PhD for my psychologist and MD for my psychiatrist. Neither is unlicensed.

It's easy enough to check a provider's credentials.

Yes- it's all online to check and verify -also my friend who is a psychologist was (maybe still is?) permitted to provide out of state  telehealth so there may be more to choose from - I think it was a covid-related loosening of licensing requirements.  

Also easy enough to check reviews and/or post in groups on nextdoor or community message boards to see about the therapist "for a friend" if you feel uncomfortable sharing personal info

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19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- it's all online to check and verify -also my friend who is a psychologist was (maybe still is?) permitted to provide out of state  telehealth so there may be more to choose from - I think it was a covid-related loosening of licensing requirements.  

Also easy enough to check reviews and/or post in groups on nextdoor or community message boards to see about the therapist "for a friend" if you feel uncomfortable sharing personal info

And I'm not "hiding behind a screen". Online therapy was a safe option during the height of the pandemic and continues to be of value for multiple reasons. It's easier for me to just log onto my computer or use my phone than it is to drive to an office. Saves me a lot of time.

My psychologist knows when I'm out of sorts. She can tell without having to see me in person.

Now a physical exam, of course that needs to happen in person.

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26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And I'm not "hiding behind a screen". Online therapy was a safe option during the height of the pandemic and continues to be of value for multiple reasons. It's easier for me to just log onto my computer or use my phone than it is to drive to an office. Saves me a lot of time.

My psychologist knows when I'm out of sorts. She can tell without having to see me in person.

Now a physical exam, of course that needs to happen in person.

Yes -as you know -just to clarify -I completely agree with you.  I wrote that above.  I ended up doing no telehealth the last few years but having to go in person for my physicals and for oral surgery were very anxiety provoking particularly pre-vaccine.

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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -as you know -just to clarify -I completely agree with you.  I wrote that above.  I ended up doing no telehealth the last few years but having to go in person for my physicals and for oral surgery were very anxiety provoking particularly pre-vaccine.

Oh yeah, I understood you also see the value and reasons for telehealth. It was someone else who said that.  I actually prefer not to have to drive to the office, sign in, go sit in the lobby, wait for my name to be called, then sit in an office for 50 minutes and then have to drive home after.  Online therapy literally saves me a full hour.  Plus, no excuses!  I'm already signed in to my devices so I just click the link and bingo!  I'm at the appointment.

Again, as you mentioned, some things cannot be done online. A physical is usually a good idea prior to starting therapy as oftentimes emotional or mental issues have a physical root cause.  So it's a good idea to rule those out.  However, online talk therapy can be started immediately if needed.

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3 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

In regards to asking for medication I'm very 50/50 about it. I've had nothing but bad side effects from meds, almost to the point where they've taken my life over and killed any social contact.  I wonder what people on here think of online therapy?

Alcoholics tend to isolate so in your particular case showing up in person may be more effective. Of course  for medical treatment see a physician. Get some tests done. You can do AA online, because they are tuned into the alcoholic hiding and isolating tendencies. It's not a debate on online vs in person therapy. That's not what your thread is about. It's about getting the right help for you and confronting the alcoholism head-on.

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not a debate on online vs in person therapy. That's not what your thread is about.

I disagree, because many times people use "I don't have time/I can't afford it/I don't have transportation" as an excuse to forego therapy.  Online therapy removes basically all of these excuses.  Anyone who posts on this forum has access to the internet via a device.  That same device can be used to attend therapy sessions.

My psychologist charges me considerably less than she would have to for an office visit.  It saves the both of us a lot of time and resources.

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