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My sick girlfriend cheated on me with her ex


Turan26
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Hi Everyone,
I would like to share my story. Me and my girlfriend got to know each other online and after 2 months of very sincere talking we promised commitment to each other and that we will wait for each other only.
Five months later we met in person and went on a trip. We had a very good time. However something in me was telling that I should make sure if she was honest with me and as much as I'm not proud of it. I looked into her phone.

It turned out according to her WhatsApp messages that she still kept meeting her ex. When we were talking she told me that she can't stand him and that they broke up 2 years ago. According to messages they not only met but also had sex more than once.

When I asked her about this she swore that her WhatsApp messages are wrong with date and mixed up and that the conversations are from a different year and she swore that they had nothing. However in their conversation there was a document exchange with a valid date which proved the date to be correct. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. But she would not admit her betrayal even though I asked her many times so then I can forgive her and move on.
Also it turned out that she was diagnosed last year with uterine cancer (stage 3) and breast lumps as well. I know for sure that this is true because her health is very bad.

I don't know what to do. I really love her and I want to trust her but her messages are strong proof. Plus she is going through difficult times because of her health. I can't forgive but I also can't just leave her behind in this state.

Thank you for reading.
Any advice and opinion is highly appreciated.

Kind regards.

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Both of you are incompatible.  You are just as dishonest as she is by being sneaky and snooping into her phone.  She lied to you and she is sneaky for cheating behind your back.

Her health is her responsibility however way it goes.  There is nothing you can do.  If you want to continue being only an online friend, you can go that route while enforcing boundaries.  However, it could feel awkward after trust had been irrevocably broken from both sides.  You decide. 

Not admitting to betrayal, deceit, sneakiness and lies is a major problem.  If humble, sincere apologies are never forthcoming, these issues will always remain planted within the deep recesses of both of your brains.  It will never go away unless it's addressed and put to rest so both of you can start fresh.  I myself have encountered such bitterness and resentment and cannot and will not resume any type of relationships under these circumstances.  It's over.  Dead.  Finished.  Finito. 

You've mentioned in your post about her betrayal.  What about yours?  You betrayed her by snooping into her phone without her permission.  You are not to be trusted either.  It works both ways here.

It's very hard to love a person after they've tested and wronged you sorely and this applies to both of you, not just you.  Kind regards to you, too. 

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I agree- this is bad news.  Your feelings of love aren't based on reality or total reality and this is not a loving relationship as in loving as giving.  

Are you typically excited by/turned on by drama and unavailable women/the thrill of the chase?

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Why did you choose to attach yourself to someone you found online and who you have to travel to see in person? Aren't there any attractive, nice women in your area?

And apparently she does require in person interaction, which is actually normal. 

I recommend you date locally and leave the idea of a mostly electronic, distance relationship behind. 

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I mean its a doozy one. If its stage 3 and she is younger, sorry to say but there is a chance that she just dies. To dump somebody sick and maybe at the end, is a very cruel thing to do.

On the other hand you are long distance. You chose fantasy and you got just that. A fantasy of somebody that you thought they care enough not to do stuff like they did. While in reality you dont know her enough and she is not that somebody you imagined. If its a normal circumstances, you should have broke up immediately after finding about the ex. In this situation, you are in the pickle. Break up and maybe carry something like that for the rest of your life. Or stay in something that you know you should leave. Its a doozy one and would hate to be you at the end of that decision.

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3 hours ago, Turan26 said:

Five months later we met in person and went on a trip. We had a very good time. However something in me was telling that I should make sure if she was honest with me and as much as I'm not proud of it. I looked into her phone.

Is this a distance relationship? Have you ever visited each other where you both live? Why was your first meet a trip, rather than a visit?

Have you met any of her friends or family or been in her home? How old is she? Has she asked you for money or paying for trips etc.?

You don't really seem to know her or the truth about what's going on with her. Your instincts were correct that she's not honest.

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It makes no sense to snoop on someone if you intend to forgive them anyway.

In that case, why not just preemptively forgive them for whatever you suspect, and then you have no self-imposed dilemmas to worry about?

If you don't trust a partner enough to avoid playing detective, then what have you even got in the first place? Zero foundation for anything, anyway.

 

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5 hours ago, Turan26 said:

Also it turned out that she was diagnosed last year with uterine cancer (stage 3) and breast lumps as well. I know for sure that this is true because her health is very bad.

Have you seen her medical diagnosis? How do you know her health is very bad? I'm just wondering because someone who's already dishonest to you about hooking up with an ex could be dishonest to you about many things. Plus, the fact that you needed to look into her phone already shows how much you distrust her.

You deserve to be with an honest person who respects you and who you do not feel the need to spy on.

Also, a one time trip isn't sufficient to know someone. Have you met her family or friends? Does she work? Where is she from?

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It's not your fault she is sick. It's also not your fault she is Deceitful, I've had my fair share of Deceitful women my friend and you're well within your rights to end it.

The person you love is not actually who she is and you suspected that otherwise you wouldn't have checked her phone at all, she lead you to believe that she was someone else, so the person you don't want to leave is already gone bro. Go back to your life and learn from your experience. Work on yourself and you'll eventually find the person you deserve. 

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You trusted your gut and it was right.  You snooped and got the answer you didn't want to get.

The fact that she wouldn't come clean even after you busted her with the correct date on the document tells me she has done this before and knows if she sticks to her story eventually you will question your facts and forgive her because she knows you want to believe her.  She is praying on that emotion.

 The date stamps on the messages are automatically generated aren't they?  How on earth could they be a year off?  How could the document also be a year off?  She is lying and you caught her.

You cannot trust anything she says or does. 

Sounds like a scam to me.

Wiseman asked you some good questions, how about some answers.

You are well within your rights to dump her for any reason at any time, just because she "says" she has cancer doesn't eliminate your right to choose who you are with.

Be smart and dump her and date locally

 Lost

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I'd suggest, getting out and creating a social life and meeting girls that way, rather than the seedy world of hiding behind a screen to meet girls. People can become so deluded because they spent a few months exchanging messages online. If you'd met her through a mutural friend or at work, it's unlikely you'd have had any of this drama, plus she would have been more compatable 

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Just now, mwacuk said:

I'd suggest, getting out and creating a social life and meeting girls that way, rather than the seedy world of hiding behind a screen to meet girls. People can become so deluded because they spent a few months exchanging messages online. If you'd met her through a mutural friend or at work, it's unlikely you'd have had any of this drama, plus she would have been more compatable 

Yes dating online is not dating.  Meeting someone in person where the first contact happened to be through a dating site and meeting them within a few weeks tops of the first contact and having maybe a phone call before, exchanging a few messages is a great way to date people.

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You're right. Online if treated simply as a way of initiating first contact is absolutely fine.

The big mistake many guys make with online is,  1, they think they can 'build' attraction and a relationship purely online (you can't) and 2, they rely on online only to meet woman/girls without ever thinking they have to leave the house. 

My motto is - take care of you social life and your dating life will take care of its self (and it's always served my well) 

Note, social life is friends you actually see, collegues etcs. It is not people at the other side of the world you talk on discord with at 4am 

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9 minutes ago, mwacuk said:

You're right. Online if treated simply as a way of initiating first contact is absolutely fine.

The big mistake many guys make with online is,  1, they think they can 'build' attraction and a relationship purely online (you can't) and 2, they rely on online only to meet woman/girls without ever thinking they have to leave the house. 

My motto is - take care of you social life and your dating life will take care of its self (and it's always served my well) 

Note, social life is friends you actually see, collegues etcs. It is not people at the other side of the world you talk on discord with at 4am 

I didn't know many people who did this -I knew people who for whatever reason weren't ready to date or wanted to make excuses and pretend they were dating who typed and talked to people online through dating sites.  

I made sure I had a fun, fulfilling and active social life and when I was looking for a husband made sure my social life involved exposure to people in my age group who I had stuff in common with and who either were single and available to date or could introduce me to people who were.  I met many men through dating sites and I never believed or wanted to date online.

I have many friends I socialize with almost exclusively online.  A couple of them I've never met including people who live nearby who I first came in contact with during the pandemic.  We're on the same facebook groups together and have a lot in common.  They are my real friends just like friends I know in person. I believe for a romantic relationship that has to happen in person with looks being the least of the reason.

I also have started socializing more in person again post-height of pandemic.  It mostly feels really good!

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Discord alone has over 350 million registered users. And that is only one of many platforms. 

 

Yes, there are millions of people who have online only connections on hundreds of platforms. Especially the younger generation (say, under 35). They communicate primarily by typing on electronic devices, which is why they react with confusion when we old folks suggest they use the calling function on their phones lol.

But you cannot conduct a love relationship over a device. How do you date, marry, have children using your phone?

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, there are millions of people who have online only connections on hundreds of platforms. Especially the younger generation (say, under 35). They communicate primarily by typing on electronic devices, which is why they react with confusion when we old folks suggest they use the calling function on their phones lol.

But you cannot conduct a love relationship over a device. How do you date, marry, have children using your phone?

I was referring to use of dating sites not discord.

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yep, even with them, there's situations where "they're in a relationship" for months and never met in person.

Yes I was responding to the specific very broad opinion posted above. I agree that some people "date" online.

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I was responding to the specific very broad opinion posted above. I agree that some people "date" online.

Which makes no sense to me.  Why would someone choose to have a relationship with an electronic device?  You can't hug, kiss, cuddle a phone or laptop.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Yes, there are millions of people who have online only connections on hundreds of platforms. Especially the younger generation (say, under 35). They communicate primarily by typing on electronic devices, which is why they react with confusion when we old folks suggest they use the calling function on their phones lol.

But you cannot conduct a love relationship over a device. How do you date, marry, have children using your phone?

This very fact does leave a sizable amount of girls in their 20s available as many guys in their age-group are essentially IT incels for even average guys that age and slightly older even to meet in person and have relationships / fun with while so many guys are occupied at home on tinder, discord and incel forums

One could make the argument that providing you are confident to actually leave your house and talk to girls in person, it's never been easier because there's simply less competition 😁

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