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She dumped me and found someone new, 10 months later its gotten very complicated


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Hi, so 10 months ago the mother of my kids seperated with me one evening after I had confronted her about her strange behaviour. She had been cold, distant and had been going away to the coast with friends every other weekend.

She stated she'd not been happy for a while and that I'd not been making her feel like I wanted her anymore, that she had been telling me for so long that she wanted to do stuff together like we used to but I would just dismiss her and she has given up.

I must admit I wasn't the best, I had been through a bit of a metal health issue and let it get to me and was using my hobbies as a way of getting over it so wasn't giving her and the kids time like I used to. My world fell apart, as the man I was now looking at a life as a part time dad, alone and with little money to find somewhere else to live added to the fact I'd lost the love of my life. She agreed that we could stay living together as long as needed and we continued as a family just eventually we stayed in seperate rooms.

She told me she still loved me and for the first month I begged and pleaded with her to reconsider and I just pushed her further away it seemed, she continued to go to the coast with friends and seemed to have a new lease of life as I spiralled into a quite severe depression, but kept hope that she would come back to me. 2 months after our split she went away and I was looking for somthing in the bedroom and found that some peticular items of clothing i had bought her had gone missing, my heart sank but I convinced myself that maybe she had thrown them away, but when she returned I took another look and they were back, I couldn't control myself, I didn't say anything but she soon noticed my behaviour and I eventually told her what I had noticed. She initially made up some bull*** about how she did it on purpose and in the she caved and told me she had planned on wearing for a guy who lived where she had been visiting. 

I was heartbroken all over again, but this time I felt a little more like I didn't want her back anymore and think that was the beginning of acceptance where she was concerned.

As the weeks went by i saw her relationship with this guy continued to develop, she would sit on the phone to him for hours and go to see him every weekend. it killed me to hear her on the phone to him. She would ask me to close my door, obviously so I couldn't listen to her conversation but she maintained they were only friends, I had stopped hoping we would get back together at this point and started to focus on my kids, work myself and my work. my self esteem was through the floor, I was depressed and anxious at the thought of what my life was to become as a seperated dad, and I feared she would fall for this guy and move to be with him taking my kids with her, I was all messed up, every time she went away I would enjoy relaxed time with my kids and  I feared it would be the last and that she would come home and ask me to leave.

Things got strange when after about 5 months I started to feel better about the situation, my depression had lifted and I was starting to feel good about myself again, I had worked on all the things that I felt caused my relationship to fail and was spending lots of time with my kids, I noticed that she seemed to be getting more and more depressed and I asked if she wanted to talk, bit she was emotionally unavailable and heavily walled off, she became very upset and angry and slipped that I had become all she ever wanted and why I couldn't have done it for her while we were together.

I had started to notice that her phone conversations with him had become less than positive, I could hear they were were heated and she would appear very upset and distressed afterwards, but I had learned not to ask anymore and just continued on my path to recovery. One weekend she had and intense argument with him over the phone and I decided to see if if she was OK, I didn't ask anything I just went in and gave her a hug, she came with the kids and I out to an event and we had a really good day, like old times. That evening she told me she was going out to see friends and would be staying there, after she had gone she began to message me telling how nice the day was and the conversation moved to talk of sorting things out, I said that it'd be best if we discussed it face to face and told her I lived her and she said the same, but by tue end of the weekend she seemed cold again and told me she didn't want to talk about what we'd discussed right now, I told myself not to hold my breath and carried on.

I had become indifferent and distant from her, I had lost around 50 lbs, tidied up my image and had a wardrobe change, and began going out myself and meeting up with old friends, this lead to me meeting someone new, and we began talking regularly and meeting up every now and again at her place, my ex began to question me about what I was doing but i didn't tell her, as I didn't feel i had to. My ex came to my work place one day to drop my youngest child to me as I was finishing the day, as she was going away. When she arrived I was talking tona woman and we were laughing and joking, I said bye to her and walked over to my ex and I could see immense anger in her face, even her teeth were clenched. I asked what was wrong and she just said "you know what's wrong" and she seemed incredibly jealous and it baffled me, she'd made me feel unwelcome in my own home at times and here she was, showing more jealousy than I ever did to her over just seeing me chat with a woman.

She continued to probe me about if I was talking to or seeing someone, I just kept denying it and leaving it there, then one evening when I was in bed she came into my room and seemed upset which wasn't uncommen at that time as she was obviously depressed, she asked if she could have a cuddle before she went to bed and I agreed. It felt nice to cuddle her again, we spooned and both fell asleep together. She woke and got up and left giving me a kiss on the cheek and left, but returned moments later and got back in bed and cuddled again, I could feel us drawing and shifting closer and eventually we just engaged in a very passionate kiss that went on for a few minutes until she withdrew and became upset, I asked what was wrong and she said she felt terrible and that she isn't like that (I assume because she was with another guy now) she left again and I followed and said that there was a reason it happened, because we still love eachother.

The next day was awkward and she withdrew again, I kept my cool and went back to focusing on myself.

I sensed things were getting worse between her and this other guy, and any time we were together things were light hearted and fun, we began watching TV, eating dinner and even chatting about random things together again in a relaxed way which hadn't happend for a long time. One evening I was in bed and she returned from an event she'd attended with friends, I was woken by her climbing into the bed with me and she gave me a cuddle, this lead from one thing to another and we went at it for hours, afterwards she questioned me again about if I was seeing anyone and I finally admitted it. She flew into a jealous rage which lead to me getting lots of stuff off of my own chest to her and it concluded in the small hours with her telling me to leave. I broken heartedly left, I had got to a point where I knew I just had to take the leap and see where I landed, not long after I had left she was calling me and I eventually answered, she ended up asking me to come back to talk, I went back and she said she had told her rebound everything and he had forgiven her and that she loves me and wants me but isn't ready yet, asked me to stay living there and that she just needs time, but she didnt feel good about me talking to other women, I told her that I was single and what I do is my business and I have no reason to stop (kind of trying to get her to be that reason) she explained that she never lied to me about her situation and that I did lie to her, that's why she was asking me not to, or at least not lie about it to her anymore.

Since then she has continued her relationship with him and its still not great from what I over hear, and we seem to have a nice time together, apart from her finding out I was chatting to a girl again and she asked me to leave once again, I agreed and packed a bag but she wouldn't let me leave and fell into my arms apologising for how she'd been to me over this time and we laid together and fell asleep.

I'm not sure what to do tbh, i feel hopeful one minute and then like I'm being used and played the next, I want to stay forever and leave and not look back. Has anyone else been through this, what happened what did you do and how did it work out, I'm so confused, pleas help me!!!

 

TIA

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You're doing great by taking care of yourself and improving your life, health, fitness, etc.. Unfortunately it's a case of 'a little too little a little too late'. 

You were coasting along complacently and obliviously for way too long. Asleep at the wheel, so to speak.

Eventually you'll have to sever things even if that means figuring out where to live an figuring out a co-parenting plan.

 

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Its not really that complicated. She didnt want to work on your relationship and wanted somebody else. But then she saw you thriving. And there is nothing exes hate more then to see somebody they unceremoniously discarded doing good. As that means maybe them were the problem and that they made the mistake. Add that she wasnt doing great with another guy and hence why jealous rages and sorta trying to get back with you.

Your only mistake is endulging that kind of behavior of hers. She wanted another guy and that is fine. Let her stay with another guy(BS excuses she serves you for that are a story of its own lol), and you do your life. You are doing fine without her. Figure out custody over kids and schedule and leave her by the side. There is no need to do anything with her, she made up her own bed and let her sleep in it. Also, you shouldnt have lied about the other girl. You owe her nothing so you are free to explore other relationship as she was. That was very hypocritical of her. 

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Stop living together and get on with your separate lives.

You took her for granted, but she also cheated. And recently you're both playing games. You're doing better, so she wants you but is still talking to this guy? She needs to be clear: is she IN or OUT? No in-betweens. And when someone is not IN (her case), it means she's not that into you. So, you are her back up in case things take a different turn with her guy. She's keeping you around "just in case".

Your best action would be to severe this relationship and only talk about co-parenting. This thing you had together has ran its course.

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I agree with focusing 100% on what is in the best interests of your children.  What I noticed was the overwhelming focus on you - your feelings, your heart, your reactions, your analysis of her and this other guy and whether she wants you.  An incredible amount of time focused on pursuing someone else, wondering and thinking and ruminating about what she meant by this or that reaction.  That's over the top IMO even if you were not a parent.

But you are.  How do you have time for all of this drama you're creating when you have a child to raise?  Shift the focus to your child, the co-parenting plan -what is in the best interests of your child.  Dating and romanticizing and fantasizing about what could have been can wait.  Put the children first. 

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I guess I don't understand why you'd be the one to pack bags and have to leave when she is the one who cheated. If she wants to be with another dude, there's her bags and she can leave. 

Have you consulted a lawyer at all? You need to know your legal rights in this situation and potential outcomes.

I agree that as a dad, your kids come first. This isn't good for the kids, friend. How confusing for them. Even if they are little, you'd be surprised how much kids pick up. They may not know nor understand the specifics of what's going on, but they know their family is in chaos. And kids absolutely need stability, the same way they need food and love. The sooner you and your ex figure out a good coparenting situation,  the better.

But I'm just amazed at the balls she had to tell you to leave when she was and is cheating. I hope you do all you can to make sure you protect your right to be in your children's lives.  

 

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4 hours ago, whatwillbe said:

Hi, so 10 months ago the mother of my kids seperated with me one evening after I had confronted her about her strange behaviour. She had been cold, distant and had been going away to the coast with friends every other weekend.

She stated she'd not been happy for a while and that I'd not been making her feel like I wanted her anymore, that she had been telling me for so long that she wanted to do stuff together like we used to but I would just dismiss her and she has given up.

I must admit I wasn't the best, I had been through a bit of a metal health issue and let it get to me and was using my hobbies as a way of getting over it so wasn't giving her and the kids time like I used to. My world fell apart, as the man I was now looking at a life as a part time dad, alone and with little money to find somewhere else to live added to the fact I'd lost the love of my life. She agreed that we could stay living together as long as needed and we continued as a family just eventually we stayed in seperate rooms.

She told me she still loved me and for the first month I begged and pleaded with her to reconsider and I just pushed her further away it seemed, she continued to go to the coast with friends and seemed to have a new lease of life as I spiralled into a quite severe depression, but kept hope that she would come back to me. 2 months after our split she went away and I was looking for somthing in the bedroom and found that some peticular items of clothing i had bought her had gone missing, my heart sank but I convinced myself that maybe she had thrown them away, but when she returned I took another look and they were back, I couldn't control myself, I didn't say anything but she soon noticed my behaviour and I eventually told her what I had noticed. She initially made up some bull*** about how she did it on purpose and in the she caved and told me she had planned on wearing for a guy who lived where she had been visiting. 

I was heartbroken all over again, but this time I felt a little more like I didn't want her back anymore and think that was the beginning of acceptance where she was concerned.

As the weeks went by i saw her relationship with this guy continued to develop, she would sit on the phone to him for hours and go to see him every weekend. it killed me to hear her on the phone to him. She would ask me to close my door, obviously so I couldn't listen to her conversation but she maintained they were only friends, I had stopped hoping we would get back together at this point and started to focus on my kids, work myself and my work. my self esteem was through the floor, I was depressed and anxious at the thought of what my life was to become as a seperated dad, and I feared she would fall for this guy and move to be with him taking my kids with her, I was all messed up, every time she went away I would enjoy relaxed time with my kids and  I feared it would be the last and that she would come home and ask me to leave.

Things got strange when after about 5 months I started to feel better about the situation, my depression had lifted and I was starting to feel good about myself again, I had worked on all the things that I felt caused my relationship to fail and was spending lots of time with my kids, I noticed that she seemed to be getting more and more depressed and I asked if she wanted to talk, bit she was emotionally unavailable and heavily walled off, she became very upset and angry and slipped that I had become all she ever wanted and why I couldn't have done it for her while we were together.

I had started to notice that her phone conversations with him had become less than positive, I could hear they were were heated and she would appear very upset and distressed afterwards, but I had learned not to ask anymore and just continued on my path to recovery. One weekend she had and intense argument with him over the phone and I decided to see if if she was OK, I didn't ask anything I just went in and gave her a hug, she came with the kids and I out to an event and we had a really good day, like old times. That evening she told me she was going out to see friends and would be staying there, after she had gone she began to message me telling how nice the day was and the conversation moved to talk of sorting things out, I said that it'd be best if we discussed it face to face and told her I lived her and she said the same, but by tue end of the weekend she seemed cold again and told me she didn't want to talk about what we'd discussed right now, I told myself not to hold my breath and carried on.

I had become indifferent and distant from her, I had lost around 50 lbs, tidied up my image and had a wardrobe change, and began going out myself and meeting up with old friends, this lead to me meeting someone new, and we began talking regularly and meeting up every now and again at her place, my ex began to question me about what I was doing but i didn't tell her, as I didn't feel i had to. My ex came to my work place one day to drop my youngest child to me as I was finishing the day, as she was going away. When she arrived I was talking tona woman and we were laughing and joking, I said bye to her and walked over to my ex and I could see immense anger in her face, even her teeth were clenched. I asked what was wrong and she just said "you know what's wrong" and she seemed incredibly jealous and it baffled me, she'd made me feel unwelcome in my own home at times and here she was, showing more jealousy than I ever did to her over just seeing me chat with a woman.

She continued to probe me about if I was talking to or seeing someone, I just kept denying it and leaving it there, then one evening when I was in bed she came into my room and seemed upset which wasn't uncommen at that time as she was obviously depressed, she asked if she could have a cuddle before she went to bed and I agreed. It felt nice to cuddle her again, we spooned and both fell asleep together. She woke and got up and left giving me a kiss on the cheek and left, but returned moments later and got back in bed and cuddled again, I could feel us drawing and shifting closer and eventually we just engaged in a very passionate kiss that went on for a few minutes until she withdrew and became upset, I asked what was wrong and she said she felt terrible and that she isn't like that (I assume because she was with another guy now) she left again and I followed and said that there was a reason it happened, because we still love eachother.

The next day was awkward and she withdrew again, I kept my cool and went back to focusing on myself.

I sensed things were getting worse between her and this other guy, and any time we were together things were light hearted and fun, we began watching TV, eating dinner and even chatting about random things together again in a relaxed way which hadn't happend for a long time. One evening I was in bed and she returned from an event she'd attended with friends, I was woken by her climbing into the bed with me and she gave me a cuddle, this lead from one thing to another and we went at it for hours, afterwards she questioned me again about if I was seeing anyone and I finally admitted it. She flew into a jealous rage which lead to me getting lots of stuff off of my own chest to her and it concluded in the small hours with her telling me to leave. I broken heartedly left, I had got to a point where I knew I just had to take the leap and see where I landed, not long after I had left she was calling me and I eventually answered, she ended up asking me to come back to talk, I went back and she said she had told her rebound everything and he had forgiven her and that she loves me and wants me but isn't ready yet, asked me to stay living there and that she just needs time, but she didnt feel good about me talking to other women, I told her that I was single and what I do is my business and I have no reason to stop (kind of trying to get her to be that reason) she explained that she never lied to me about her situation and that I did lie to her, that's why she was asking me not to, or at least not lie about it to her anymore.

Since then she has continued her relationship with him and its still not great from what I over hear, and we seem to have a nice time together, apart from her finding out I was chatting to a girl again and she asked me to leave once again, I agreed and packed a bag but she wouldn't let me leave and fell into my arms apologising for how she'd been to me over this time and we laid together and fell asleep.

I'm not sure what to do tbh, i feel hopeful one minute and then like I'm being used and played the next, I want to stay forever and leave and not look back. Has anyone else been through this, what happened what did you do and how did it work out, I'm so confused, pleas help me!!!

 

TIA

Speak to a lawyer about property, moving and custody. You had money to change your looks and update your wardrobe so you’re not doing so badly that you can’t afford a lawyer. Don’t play any more games with one another.

She lost respect for you and you’re resentful. It seems you wanted her to feel jealous and have a taste of her own medicine and reconcile. That’s what happens in the movies. It hardly ever works in real life that way. I’d suggest being more realistic and retaining a lawyer before you move anywhere permanently. Where are you moving to? Is it a friend’s place or with family? Don’t burn those bridges or use people like a revolving door and be cautious about how you proceed. Make up your mind, do it once and for all if you’re ending the rl. You’ve been living in denial for a long time. 

 

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Have an uninterrupted verbal conversation with her (the mother of your kids) and ask each other what both of you want either from each other or elsewhere.  Make sure the kids aren't constantly interrupting both of you when having this serious conversation.  Start anew, try to make amends and make positive permanent changes.  Make humble and sincere apologies.  Make changes for the better for both of you if both of you wish to resolve any issues, that is.  If both of you are at the point of giving up and don't want to be together anymore, then be a good father and co-parent. 

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Don't let her suck you in with "having a great time" You are only being friends zoned just in case she needs you for something. Who cares about her relationship with this guy...that's on her. You carry on forward and make a better life for yourself.

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When you leave, where do you go?

I'd seek legal advice all about your options along with the best steps for each option.

From there you can operate on real information rather than on emotions alone. Legal 'advice' is not the same thing as filing for divorce, or even making choices prematurely, it's just to learn what you don't know so that you can make decisions that are well informed when you are ready to do so.

You've been living in cognitive dissonance, where two or more things can be true at once, where emotions can pull you in different directions at once, and yet you've been thriving because you've been forced to strive.

However, I would find a way to position yourself beyond wife's ability to toss you out on a whim. That's where legal advice comes in, possibly an agreement she would need to sign in the even that she wants you in the home where she cannot randomly toss you out. Possibly, that's against the law anyway--you may be entitled to 30 days notice, or whatever. GO LEARN.

 

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8 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I guess I don't understand why you'd be the one to pack bags and have to leave when she is the one who cheated. If she wants to be with another dude, there's her bags and she can leave. 

Have you consulted a lawyer at all? You need to know your legal rights in this situation and potential outcomes.

This.

Sure, for the sake of your children you want to fix this marriage. Here's the thing, she's not going to respect you if you're ready to help her whenever she messes up. She chose to cheat on you, so let her fight her own battles. Move out if you need to, find a way to co-parent and consult a lawyer asap.

Once she has earned your respect back, you can assess if you want to save your marriage.

Kudos for losing weight and improving your life! 🙂

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I feel it's done now.

She is showing hot & cold = confusion.

A lot of good has been stated here.  I agree with being done with it all and to stop letting her to continue running back to you whenever something goes wrong in her 'love life'.  That's awful 😕 .

Good on you for working through your challenged & getting it together.  You're steps ahead of her 😉 .

Yes, it was a rebound but that is on her to figure herself out.  None of this has been good for either of you remaining in that house together.  It has been quite stressful I'm sure!

Nope, one of you has to leave now.  And work on carrying on as is.  One your own. ( Believe me, less you know, the better).

IMO, things will sadly never work out between you two ( too much water under the bridge).  There'd be trust issue's, hurt from the actual break up, etc.  It'll never be the same.  So, is time to just admit what's done is done and move on now... right?

I am sorry that this relationship has fallen apart now 😕 . Is never easy.  But, it happens and in time we recover from it all and become okay again.

I do suggest you remain single for a while more.  Don't go rushing into anything for a while yet ( as I said, you need to accept this BU and all that follows) and I feel you're not there yet.  Not if you have admitted you do still love her and let her back in your bed.

Down time.  Get yourself back to good.  Take it easy.

One day at a time 😉   Good luck.

 

 

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