Wanting to see how brother-in-law is doing

[basketofdreams]

My ex brother-in-law has been apart of my family for years prior to marrying my sister. My sister choose to separate him about 6 or 7 yrs ago. They have 2 kids together.

He has always been more of brother and hated to see that it didn't work out for the both of them. My sister has an on again off again bf. I know he has remarried.

From what I've been told his new wife doesn't let him have any contact with his parents, sister and anything that has to do with his family. Its an entangled mess.

I have seen him once about 5 yrs ago as I dropped my 2 nieces off. I want to reach out and see how he is doing. But, I hesitate because I don't want it come across weird. Don't want to cause any sort of issue.

Is it any of my business to reach out and say hi. Do I just let it be. 

 

[Seraphim]

He is married and his wife will give him grief I would leave it alone . 

[DancingFool]

Why now all of a sudden? Five years of silence is a very long time......

Anyway, he was a friend, so you could always just reach out and see how he is. That's not meddling in anything. Worst that can happen is he'll ignore you or be temporarily excited to catch up and then fade out. Then again, maybe he needs a friend since his marriage sounds abusive. It's only meddling if you actually start meddling in his life rather than treating him as a friend.

[basketofdreams]

I have been back and forth for sometime in reaching out. It has been weighing on me a bit more recently since going through some family photos. Guess I've been worried if it would reach my sister on why I messaged him. Didn't want to make things awkward. I really not interested in being nosey in his issues.

My family and I still have contact with his family since its the only way they can see the grandkids/ nieces. Sad really. 

[Batya33]

This is sad but -on balance -the risks of contacting outweigh the benefits.  Also you don't want to inadvertently jeopardize his interaction with his kids -like if his wife finds out and tries to restrict him from seeing them, etc.  

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, basketofdreams said:

I have been back and forth for sometime in reaching out. It has been weighing on me a bit more recently since going through some family photos. Guess I've been worried if it would reach my sister on why I messaged him. Didn't want to make things awkward. I really not interested in being nosey in his issues.

My family and I still have contact with his family since its the only way they can see the grandkids/ nieces. Sad really. 

Have you asked your family about this? If you have their endorsement, that might help, but in my own life, the person I'd want to approve the move would be my sister.

[basketofdreams]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Have you asked your family about this? If you have their endorsement, that might help, but in my own life, the person I'd want to approve the move would be my sister.

Honestly no I have not. I think I may have express reaching out before but never did. Though I don't think they would care. It's just the new wife that seems to be a bit out there.

I could get there opinion again prior to approaching this. Just don't want to step on any toes.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, basketofdreams said:

I have seen him once about 5 yrs ago as I dropped my 2 nieces off.

Keep in touch with your nieces, not him. Why are you so interested in him?

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, basketofdreams said:

Honestly no I have not. I think I may have express reaching out before but never did. Though I don't think they would care. It's just the new wife that seems to be a bit out there.

I could get there opinion again prior to approaching this. Just don't want to step on any toes.

I'd get sister's permission. If she minds, I wouldn't do it.

As for concerns about his wife, nobody can answer that. I'd maybe consider that the guy is capable of reaching out to you if he ever wants to, so maybe just send him a friend request and see if he responds to that.

[Cherylyn]

This is a sticky situation.  Even though my story is different than yours, there are parallels.  I've tried to be friends with some wives while their husbands were possessive and insanely jealous of their wives paying attention to anyone except them.  Crazy, I know but it's true and sick.  At first, both wives and me resisted and tried our best to ignore their spouses to no avail.  Their husbands got in the way and basically chased me away with their antics.  One gross harassment was my cousin's husband pulling and snapping the back of my bra strap.  The other husband (my sister's husband - my BIL) constantly interrupted EVERY verbal or phone conversation I had with my sister or he said something obnoxiously rude to me at every encounter.  What a nut job.  When I confronted my sister about her  husband always acting like a jerk she said that it's "senseless" to do anything about him because he refuses to admit his mental sickness and refuses to change for the better for her, their children and others.  She also said that she and her sisters-in-law (SIL) all share notes because all 6 brothers are the same; hopeless causes.  I gave up so I'm no longer with my sister except weddings and funerals and even then it's awkward, frosty, distant and estranged, unfortunately. 

My sister told me that she will NEVER jeopardize her marriage and always prioritize her marriage at all costs.  Her nut job husband provides my sister and their family with a very affluent lifestyle so money talks.  She's certainly not going to risk a confrontation with her husband due to her sister's nor anyone's complaints.  She even went so far as to shut me down by calling me a liar, not once but twice!  That did it for me.  Never mind that these same complaints also came from my brother, mother, my husband and sons with numerous eye witnesses.   

As for the bra strap snapping guy, he has a record of doing the same to 14 other women including my cousin's mother, stepmother, friends, neighbors, nieces and whoever was available, vulnerable prey.  All women are estranged from my cousin and her husband by the way.   

Your ex BIL will be caught in the middle and I doubt he wants a messy fight with his wife.  Many times a husband will acquiesce to his wife in order to keep the peace because it's not worth it to him to engage in a long drawn out, endless heated argument with his wife.  His wife rules the roost.  She is the boss.  Your ex BIL will prefer harmony over discord even if you are collateral damage by default.  This is the reality of many marriages.  I'm sorry.

Let it be.  You don't want your ex BIL to be deceitful and betray his wife in order to engage in friendship with you because it's sneaky and dishonest behavior.  If his wife were to discover your ex BIL's friendship with you, your ex BIL will have to face his wife's wrath and do you want that?  It's only a matter of time.   I doubt you want to raise issues in someone else's marriage. 

If you don't want to cause issues, then you'll have to move on without him in your life. 

 

[basketofdreams]

As much as I want to reach out and be on a friendly basis. I don't want to cause issues with him and his wife. Especially if there are issues going on already between them. At least from what I'm told through the grapevine.

Since I care enough I let him be. I do agree if he wanted to reach out he would've done so.

Thank you all for the advice.

[basketofdreams]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in touch with your nieces, not him. Why are you so interested in him?

He's more of a brother to me and the one person that actually cared when I was going through some things years ago, maybe that is why I've wanted to reach out. My nieces are important to me. I'll just stick to keeping in touch with them. They are great kids.

[Cherylyn]

47 minutes ago, basketofdreams said:

As much as I want to reach out and be on a friendly basis. I don't want to cause issues with him and his wife. Especially if there are issues going on already between them. At least from what I'm told through the grapevine.

Since I care enough I let him be. I do agree if he wanted to reach out he would've done so.

Thank you all for the advice.

Thank you for your kind words.

You are very considerate to think of your ex BIL's issues with his wife should he resume friendship with you.  No sense adding yet another layer of arguments between husband and wife. 

I agree, if he wishes to reach out to you, he knows how to contact you.  Until then, tread lightly and best to err on the side of  caution.  Better safe than sorry.

[Wiseman2]

Focus on your own BF and there's no reason to be in touch with your sisters ex.

[Batya33]

My sister is divorced.  I was at my niece's wedding almost 10 years ago.  Sister's ex brother in law was there with his new wife.  I'd been close with the first wife who, very sadly, had passed away. I was chatting with the new wife who had twin babies - even helping with the babies - my first time meeting her in person.  The photographer came over while I was chatting with her.  My other nieces were sitting there too.  The new wife asked me to step out of the photo because it might be awkward since her husband was on the "ex" side of my sister's family. Inwardly, I thought that was incredibly rude of her.  Outwardly, I simply stepped away.  Wasn't worth it.  I can relate to these sorts of hard decisions!

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, basketofdreams said:

He's more of a brother to me and the one person that actually cared when I was going through some things years ago, maybe that is why I've wanted to reach out. My nieces are important to me. I'll just stick to keeping in touch with them. They are great kids.

Yes, care enough to let him be and don’t meddle. He has a new life so be happy for him. Relationships often change and evolve in families. This isn’t set in stone, children grow and return to the family and ties are repaired too later down the line. He knows you’re all there and still family but stay out of his personal life and new life with his wife. Think well of him if he was good to you or kind but focus on your own family and life.