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Advice - really difficult decision


theram1982
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hi all

i'm faced with an almost impossible decision, well it isn't if you're remote from it but to me its terrible 😞

So, I seem to be in a infinite loop of being unable to decide which life to follow - partner wise.

I have dated 2 people, one with a child and 1 without and I must make a choice between them as I obviously cannot perpetuate both - I must add I haven't been seeing them both at the same time in any serious way, but I feel I know enough about each to be in such a bind over what direction to go.

I feel it's a classic heart Vs head problem, but I can't see past the fact that my ideal person is the bloody combination of the both, so the freedom and lifestyle of the person without the child but the connection (physical and intellectually) of the person with the child.

I have a life where I really enjoy just being able to go out and enjoy things - so, walking and enjoying nature, I have a house which enables me to do this (by proximity to countryside) and I fear committing to the person with a child will inevitably lead to me losing some of this.

The person which fits seamlessly with my life is so loving and caring and i do genuinely believe i could be happy in future but i always come back to the other person mentally - she just has the additional factor of greater physical attraction alongside being equally as lovely to be around.

i wish life were simple for once but i stuck in a terrible pickle which has so much finality to it, i don't fair well in these situations hence my reaching out to the internet - a strange choice, but one that is indicative of my distress 

i welcome the thoughts of those with experience of such decisions 🙂        

 

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I dunno which is which and maybe I didnt understand properly as you didnt specify. But from what you wrote:

person 1: Is more physically attractive but has a kid

person 2: Is less physically attractive but without a kid

Are kids really a "dealbreaker" to you? For example I avoid single moms because dating is hard as it is and kids make it more complicated as you have to accept them, they have to accept you, you always have to count them too etc. But I really dont see how you would lose going out in nature and enjoy walking with a kid around. If you mean with her, then maybe, but still you can do that stuff always by yourself. That is why I am asking is a kid "dealbreaker" when it comes to what you want?

Because if it is and you want more then physical connection, you shouldnt be dating single moms no matter how hot they are. 

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3 minutes ago, theram1982 said:

I struggle with decision making and fear deep down I know what I want but can’t abide upsetting people 

Everyone does. I don’t think it’s fear of upsetting people - because if you feared that you’d never have dated the mom even though you found her so attractive- you’d have wanted to prevent her or her child getting attached to you - I think you fear either being alone or giving up a hot looking woman even though you’re not the right person to accept that she is a package deal 

as the band Rush said.  If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. 

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3 hours ago, theram1982 said:

I have dated 2 people, one with a child and 1 without and I must make a choice between them as I obviously cannot perpetuate both - I must add I haven't been seeing them both at the same time in any serious way. I fear committing to the person with a child will inevitably lead to me losing some of this.

How old are you and how old are they? You say "dated" not seriously, for how long?

If you are not dating either seriously why ponder this?

Do you want a family/marriage one day? You seem averse to dating a single father so that rules one out. You're not attracted to the other so that rules him out.

Why choose either? If you mean you have met a few times with either of them, it's fine to tell someone they are not a match.

You seem to overestimate that they will be 'upset', but it's just part of dating casually. It's better than stringing men along. 

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1 hour ago, theram1982 said:

I struggle with decision making and fear deep down I know what I want but can’t abide upsetting people 

As already mentioned... is possibly neither of these.

IMO, If you feel enough for at least one, you'd be leaning that way by now.

BUT to be questioning both of these involvements & so uncertain, maybe neither is enough for you.

 

As for 'upsetting people'- the worst thing to do is to continue leading them on!  Speak up and be honest.

 

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If the choice is not obvious, it is neither.

By the way, are they both smitten with you and do both actually want a relationship with you?  If you are not seeing them both at the same time and are now narrowing down the list of dates so that you can pair off with someone, are you sure both of them are not dating others or are that interested in you? 

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I agree with others regarding "neither" but if I had to choose, I'd choose the one who is childless because you will never take top priority in the mother's life.  Her child will always retain elevated status in the mother's life until at least age 18 and sometimes even beyond that.  And, there isn't "the two of us."  It's "the three of us."  Also, the mother has to deal with her ex and coordinate everything with him before anything to do with  you.  The child will always impact and interrupt the relationship.  Therefore, both of you have to make endless accommodations and sacrifices.  There is less freedom so be prepared for those scenarios or opt out and be with a childless woman. 

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12 hours ago, theram1982 said:

I struggle with decision making and fear deep down I know what I want but can’t abide upsetting people 

This is interesting. Why do you think this is so? You’re the one in your own shoes living this one life you’ve got so why are you so afraid of making decisions that affect you the most? 

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

This is interesting. Why do you think this is so? You’re the one in your own shoes living this one life you’ve got so why are you so afraid of making decisions that affect you the most? 

I can’t answer that. I feel it might go back to my childhood and how I was brought up, so fear of making mistakes and that manifesting as a paralysis in decision making 

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1 minute ago, theram1982 said:

 fear of making mistakes and that manifesting as a paralysis in decision making 

Well, if you won't make decisions, ones will be made for you. You don't have to delve that deep into your childhood to not string people along. You simply need to learn to be sincere.

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1 hour ago, theram1982 said:

I can’t answer that. I feel it might go back to my childhood and how I was brought up, so fear of making mistakes and that manifesting as a paralysis in decision making 

But now you're an adult and there's a limited shelf life to the using childhood as an excuse/blaming parents. I'd say of course with exceptions like abuse where there was no therapy, no outside help, in the aftermath. 

Says someone who faced significant challenges related to my upbringing.  

Like Wiseman wrote -and I will add -you don't have to date anyone.  Not either of them -or anyone -so it's not a decision with consequences other than you won't be seeing them- or one of them -anymore - you're not married to either or the father of the child and it's not one of those decisions you have to make or you miss out on a once in a lifetime opportunity because it's obvious that neither is really "the one".  

 

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5 hours ago, theram1982 said:

I can’t answer that. I feel it might go back to my childhood and how I was brought up, so fear of making mistakes and that manifesting as a paralysis in decision making 

You have some idea of why you’re like this. Try to overcome it. It’s useless if people keep telling you what to do if you yourself do not know why you are the way you are. If you knew your parents instilled that fear you also know how to change the course of your future and know examples of what NOT to be. Use it to motivate you and grow. 

See a professional if you want more insight such as a therapist. I’d reflect more and make changes. To make real changes you first have to understand what the issue is and for some, where it originates. 

Don’t stay stuck in the same patterns, thinking in the same way forever. There are new and better ways to live.

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