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Breaking up with fiance over thoughts changing of having kids


HaeunKim
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Hi!

My fiance and i broke up... Here comes the problem:

We are have been engaged for a year and before that dated too and even before dating we are have been friends for 3 years. He always wanted to have kids and to build a family, so we are talked about having kids together, building our own little family. He is even bought baby shoes too. We are went abroad for a two week long work trip. Something might have happened there, because after we are came back from there, a couple days passed and he said he doesn't want kids anymore, while in the same time he is melting over kids wherever and whenever he sees one or is with one... I do want to have kids, at least one if not more! I always seen myself as a mom with a baby at least if not more kids... But his sudden change of mind made us break up, saying "we are want different things". We are working together in a team to this day too after 3 month of the break up. Still both of us would want to be with each other, but he says he it would be selfish if he would ask me to be with him because i want kids and he doesn't... In our work team (all the team members are our friends too) two other guys are asked me out for a date...

The only what made my fiance and me break up was this reason, we didn't had problems, our feelings didn't fade away... Both of us know we are would be still together now too if not this having kids issue... So my question is... What should i do? Should we continue the relationship? Or not because he won't change his mind anyway? Any kind of advice or story if you went through similar can help, because for now i am just confused.

Thank you so much for everyone's time reading this and in case of commenting, giving advice! 🙂

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There is no compromise over having children, and if, as your fiance has said, he does not want children, then there is no future for this relationship and you should move on with your life. Why did he change his mind? You may never know. He may have simply decided that he doesn't want to be in a long-term relationship anymore, or perhaps he has just decided the world is not a place to bring children into. Or maybe he is just in a mood. But he he has stated his intentions and there is not room for that mindset in the future you want for yourself. 

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Have you asked him why so suddenly he changed his mind about having kids? Has he actually given any reason for it? I mean if he always said he wanted them before then what happened? Maybe he met someone else or he's not sure about your relationship? Usually people don't change so dramatically and very fast. If he always talked about having kids and even bought baby shoes but then out if nowhere doesn’t want them, it seems like maybe something actually happened.

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I'm very sorry you're hurting. Unfortunately, the guy picked the one thing that would eject him straight out of this relationship conveniently and without a need to deal with any negotiations.

You can choose to believe him or not, but he sounds like a liar to me.

He chose to ham up the whole baby thing, maybe to manipulate you for intimacy when he wanted that, and then he used the flip side of the same thing to exit when he wanted to.

So was he lying then, or is he lying now--or both?

I wouldn't trust the guy. I'd be civil at work when our paths must cross--but that's it.

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Changing his mind about kids may be an excuse, OP. 

Perhaps there is something else behind his decision that he's not sharing, but he knows that telling you he suddenly doesn't want kids isn't something you can really argue him on. 

You you went on this work trip together, but it sounds like something happened then that caused this sudden 180. Did you notice any odd behaviour from him during that trip?

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Me thinks he found somebody else. And did "the kids" thing as an excuse. Because he knows its a valid one as he knows its something not really negotiable. Sorry it happened. Dont take him back when its clear he wants to leave you from some reason.

Also, I am sorry, but what kind of deplorable excuses for human beings call ex fiance of their "friend" to a date fresh out of their break up? Please date outside the work. 

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7 hours ago, HaeunKim said:

He is even bought baby shoes too.  I always seen myself as a mom with a baby at least if not more kids 

🙂

Sorry this happened. How long have you been together? How old is he? Were you living together?

Why would he be buying baby shoes? That makes zero sense if you are not married, no less not even pregnant.

It sounds like he just wanted to end things and found a reason.

You seem a bit obsessed with babies and being a mother.

You've got it backwards. First you find a man, then get married, then get pregnant......Then you buy baby shoes.

He wanted it over. So knowing your obsession with babies is what he picked to end it.

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I think it's weirdly bizarre that he bought baby shoes - yes if he had his from when he was a baby and mentioned that, then sure.  Also wanting to have kids is only partly about wanting a baby.  Newsflash they grow fast and newsflash it's at least an 18 year responsibility give or take, right? So all that cutesie stuff is pretty irrelevant.

  It's whether you want to be a parent - it's a weighty and also joyous, life changing, so rewarding and so darn hard!! - job, long term job.  It's like a woman who bakes cookies for a man on the second date to show "see I love to bake -if you choose me you'll get fresh baked cookies in your brown bag lunch when I send you off to the office every day with a kiss!!"  (Yes it's fine to bake on the second date -talking about motives).  

I think he never really wanted kids in the actual sense and/or he changed his mind about being with you. Don't waste another second on him.  

I never dated or kept dating a man who said he didn't want kids or was ambivalent - and I learned that ASAP.  I never dated a man who said he did and then changed his mind.  Not saying people can't change their mind -at all -this guy's change of heart doesn't smell right.  

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12 hours ago, HaeunKim said:

Hi!

My fiance and i broke up... Here comes the problem:

We are have been engaged for a year and before that dated too and even before dating we are have been friends for 3 years. He always wanted to have kids and to build a family, so we are talked about having kids together, building our own little family. He is even bought baby shoes too. We are went abroad for a two week long work trip. Something might have happened there, because after we are came back from there, a couple days passed and he said he doesn't want kids anymore, while in the same time he is melting over kids wherever and whenever he sees one or is with one... I do want to have kids, at least one if not more! I always seen myself as a mom with a baby at least if not more kids... But his sudden change of mind made us break up, saying "we are want different things". We are working together in a team to this day too after 3 month of the break up. Still both of us would want to be with each other, but he says he it would be selfish if he would ask me to be with him because i want kids and he doesn't... In our work team (all the team members are our friends too) two other guys are asked me out for a date...

The only what made my fiance and me break up was this reason, we didn't had problems, our feelings didn't fade away... Both of us know we are would be still together now too if not this having kids issue... So my question is... What should i do? Should we continue the relationship? Or not because he won't change his mind anyway? Any kind of advice or story if you went through similar can help, because for now i am just confused.

Thank you so much for everyone's time reading this and in case of commenting, giving advice! 🙂

It sounds over, OP. You both disagree on a fundamental difference, often the primary reason or only reason couples marry for. It’s not always the case but often the case. Having children is important to you so take his word for it and go your separate ways respectfully. 

I would not bother thinking about whether he is sincere or not. Take it as sincere feedback and move on with peace of mind.

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Relationships can simply run their course and not have any issues at all. This may have nothing to do with kids IMO. I think he came to terms he's not into the relationship anymore. The kids things is an excuse to get out of it. Maybe after that trip he felt the grass was a little greener on the other side.

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It is possible that if this was the first long trip you went on, he realized he doesn't want kids with YOU.  Some people want kids but doesn't want the other person to be a stay home parent or WANTS the other to be a stay at home parent and the other person wants day care to raise the kids. i am going with the former, unfortunately if this all happened over a trip

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On 9/20/2022 at 9:59 PM, HaeunKim said:

In our work team (all the team members are our friends too) two other guys are asked me out for a date.

Wow. I have friends and I would never entertain the thought of dating any of their exes. It's just a crappy thing to do to a friend. Perhaps think about who you consider as friends, who you've thought of until now as a decent boyfriend, and are probably blinded by the facade of who you really think he is.

He doesn't sound like he's in extreme anguish over his sudden epiphany.

If I were you, I'd begin a new mindset that these are not your friends, including your ex. Treat them as you would any co-worker--pleasant, but no longer hang out with them, nor communicate with them by text, etc., and speak of only work things and not your personal life. And if you can find an equally good job elsewhere, start applying.

You were with this guy a while, so take a break from dating a good year to go through all the stages of mourning and healing properly. Take care.

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