Friends, Ex Boyfriends, and Trying to Move On

[adeline]

My 26 year old boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me two months ago saying he was not in love with me anymore. I am 24 and had no idea our relationship was headed in that direction. I thought we were headed towards moving out and marriage. We had problems, but I attributed them to lack of privacy due to living with his parents for the past two years. We were both getting antsy about moving out but financially we were in a bind. We argued over ridiculous things like finances and cleaning. We now have all of the same friends and our closest friends are an extremely tight knit family (they were mine years before he came into the picture but now he is definitely one of the group). Initially, we tried to hang out together and pretend like everything was ok, but I always ended up making a fool of myself because he couldn't look at me or he was flirty with another girl. Lately we've been trying distance , because we want to be friends. He says he wants me to be in his life until one of us dies. We did a lot for each other and were each other's first major relationship. He has since moved out with a mutual friend. We've had break up sex 5 times but we stopped because he was feeling guilty. It's been difficult for our friends and it's tested the elasticity of the group. Two other friends in the group broke up on the same day. It's been very rough. Misunderstandings. Everyone knowing too many details. We don't want it to all fall apart, but hanging out separately has been stressful as well. I'm willing to do anything to preserve each friendship, especially my ex-boyfriend's. I really don't want to lose a special friendship of the one that knows me best if at all possible.

[Midgi]

I believe you are right. If you really care for somebody then you have to accept that he does not want to be with you. You will always remain an important part of his life, but in a different way.

 

I'm in a similar situation as you. I guess the ultimate test is when you see him with a new girlfriend, and you can handle the situation.

 

Good luck!

[Falucchi]

Just curious:

Say for example, you do remain friends with him, special friends, and he falls in love with someone. Will you expect the same "friendship" with him? Do you think his new girlfriend will be happy that he's very close to his ex-girlfriend?

 

Say the roles are reversed, and you meet a new boyfriend-- will you still remain "special friends" with your ex-boyfriend? What if your new boyfriend doesn't like it?

 

Will the new partner feel comfortable joining a "group" of the friends from the former relationship, with everyone knowing too many details?

 

I know you'll probably say, we'll deal with that when it happens, but usually what happens is, the new partner doesn't like it, so the old partner is shut out. I could never really see the point of trying to remain special friends with a former lover.

Well, that's just my opinion-- I wonder how other people go about that siutation.

Take care.

[Midgi]

I guess you just have to distance yourself slowly from that person!

 

You may decide not to hang out with him all the time, but just have regular phone conversations.

 

You may find that he just needs some time to party and then he will find back to you!

 

Or you may find that after all this romance, there is nothing more left (which would be sad)

 

I decided to stay in contact with my Ex. He may have a new girlfriend, and its hard on me, but I have him in my life!

 

What does not kill you will make you stronger!

[Falucchi]

 

I decided to stay in contact with my Ex. He may have a new girlfriend, and its hard on me, but I have him in my life!

 

Does the new girlfriend know you and he remain in contact?