Is giving up an option for the person who caused it all?

[Raven44]

I broke up with my ex approximatly a month ago. Since then it has been one confusing happening after another. I want to be friends with him; he is an incredible person and man, but should I really be asking this of him? We have had no NC time at all (well 5 days, but that just doesnt count) and throughout it I have suggested that maybe that could be beneficial. Each time I suggest it he says "No, if we cant be friends now then it will never happen." I can totally understand that; I made a lot of mistakes in the end of our realtionship, and because of the stress of the past month, I have not made this time any easier either. In the past two weeks things between he and I have gotten even more confusing and complicated; we have seen quite a bit of eachother and slept together as well. Ive told him of my confusion etc., and he relates it to me still having feelings for him etc; that we are not over etc. When he says these things I tell him that I do love him, but I am no longer IN love with him. I have tried to tell him this in so many ways over the past month; I have tried to get it accross that he shouldnt give himself any false hope...But I dont think he has been listening; or if he has he hassent given me any indication of it at all.

 

It has gotten to the point where his little quirks are agitating me. He came to my place for a night a day ago and in the morning, I was snipping at him for the tiniest things. When I do this to a person I know that there is something wrong. I felt terrible that my attitude was hurting him, I didnt want to hurt him; I never want to hurt him again; but I am in a perpetual loop of it. Nothing I do or say does anything but hurt him. I want to give up. Go into NC. Do something to put an end to this cycle. But all that will do is HURT HIM! I dont know what to do anymore and I am so tired of it.

 

I want to give up; but I dont know if I have that option. I caused it; so what gives me the right?

[punchy504]

Each time I suggest it he says "No, if we cant be friends now then it will never happen."

 

 

 

Theeeeeeeeen, don't be friends.

[annie24]

I really think one of the worst things you can say to someone at this time is, "I love you but i'm not in love with you." It's really a load of crap. If you're dealing with somone who doesn't want to let go, this is the worst thing you can say to them, precisely because it DOES give them false hope.

 

What you need to do is be firm, and do NC. And for God's sake - stop sleeping with him and having dates!

[Raven44]

What you need to do is be firm, and do NC. And for God's sake - stop sleeping with him and having dates!

 

I know I need to be firm; I have tried that but then he is able to turn me around. He is always able to talk me down; talk me out of what I am saying. I odnt know how the heck he does it but all of a sudden I am agreeing with him and saying sorry for various things. When it comes to having dates etc. God I dont mean for things to go so far but he pulls me back into it all. He makes me remember how it was 6 months ago; and I just get pulled into it. Its like a black hole. After we are together he asks me if I regret anything. The thing is; I dont regret things in my life, it is a waste of mind space to regret. But I think he takes it the wrong way.

 

I dont know how to instigate NC. When I know it is him calling I [i}have[/i] to pick up the phone. It is reflex and habbit.....One that I cannot break without breaking myself.

[annie24]

Well of course this guy can't let go when you said you two just slept together 2 days ago. Of course things are not over in his head!!! I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I think that's a very manipulative thing to do to someone. If you want to be together, then you work things out, and if you don't want to be with them, you break up, and you don't invite them over to your place to spend the night.

 

How to do NC? Easy - you don't pick up the phone!!! You let the answering machine get it.

 

Look at the quote on my signature: "Our problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking at that created them." What you've been doing is not giving you satisfactory results, so now you NEED to do something that will work. Yes, NC requires a lot of self-restraint, but it needs to be done. You two sound like a toxic combination. In the future, after you two have dealt with your issues and heartbreak, you can be friends. But for now, you two just need some time apart - get your heads on straight.

[punchy504]

ok time for you to meet my friend- his name is responsibilty.

 

 

your ex doesn't make you do anything, you decide to go along with what he says so you don't have to feel like a *beep*. move on, have no contact, and get on with your life.

[annie24]

Look - there is an unavoidable element of hurt when it comes to break-ups. It's like taking off a bandage. Doing it fast hurts a lot at first, but then it's fine. Taking it off sssslllooowwwllly really hurts, and it hurts for a long time.

 

Take it from us who have been there: you are only hurting someone more in the long-run if you keep things going like this. Doing NC may hurt at first, but in the long run, you two will both be emotionally healthier in a few months.

[Raven44]

Look - there is an unavoidable element of hurt when it comes to break-ups. It's like taking off a bandage. Doing it fast hurts a lot at first, but then it's fine. Taking it off sssslllooowwwllly really hurts, and it hurts for a long time.

 

Take it from us who have been there: you are only hurting someone more in the long-run if you keep things going like this. Doing NC may hurt at first, but in the long run, you two will both be emotionally healthier in a few months.

 

Now you see I understand this. But he tells me that it will only hurt more. He knows how terrified I am of hurting him any more and he has even gotten me to promise things to him so that I wont hurt him. I cant say "No" to him. Not without great difficulty and pain. I self hurt as well and it has been hightened because of all of this. So I have gotten to my wits end. But as I say. I cannot say "No".

[annie24]

It hurts a LOT more at first... You just have to say no. This is ridiculous. Of course NC hurts a lot more at first, but it's easier than holding onto something that doesn't exist for years. Trust me, I've been there. When I was 18, my bf and I broke up, but stayed friends. (He broke up with me.) I spent the next several years pining away for him. And you know what it got me? Nothing. If I had it to do all over again, I would have taken 6 months, all to myself, to get over him ENTIRELY. And then later, we could be friends, when the romantic feelings were gone....

 

You need to say no. For his sake and yours!

[punchy504]

Now you see I understand this. But he tells me that it will only hurt more. He knows how terrified I am of hurting him any more and he has even gotten me to promise things to him so that I wont hurt him. I cant say "No" to him. Not without great difficulty and pain. I self hurt as well and it has been hightened because of all of this. So I have gotten to my wits end. But as I say. I cannot say "No".

 

 

 

Raven once again time for you to be responsible for your own feelings and actions, you are now 18, an adult, time to act like one, you may not want to , and yes it will hurt, but follow the advice you have been given

[Falucchi]

One that I cannot break without breaking myself.

I cannot say "No"

He is always able to talk me down; talk me out of what I am saying.

I dont mean for things to go so far but...

It is reflex and habit..

I just get pulled into it.

Well, if you really can't seem to control yourself, your actions and your behaviors, then surely you need some serious therapy that's going to teach you impulse control, and behavior modification.

Until then, you really can't offer much to any guy, because if you can't or won't control yourself, then you're not a healthy enough person to be in a relationship.

 

I dont regret things in my life, it is a waste of mind space to regret.

Um.. so you never learn from your mistakes???

Take care.

[ZenDreams]

I dont regret things in my life, it is a waste of mind space to regret.

Um.. so you never learn from your mistakes???

Take care.

 

Regret is much different than learning from your mistakes. Regret is when you refuse to learn from them.

 

Raven, since you are learning from your mistakes remember that he is too. NC is the best idea. The next time he calls or comes to the door you can talk about it then - if he doesn't then no problem . It's necessary for the both of you. You need time away from guys and dating while he needs time to heal. Right now he just doesn't have a reason to believe you are willing to be friends with him. See how you feel in a week or two - I guaruntee you'll have started to feel better.

 

Now that we have gotten through that...Raven, I'll ask you a question:

 

What was it about him that you find just so incredible anyways?

 

Best regards,

[Falucchi]

One that I cannot break without breaking myself.

I cannot say "No"

He is always able to talk me down; talk me out of what I am saying.

I dont mean for things to go so far but...

It is reflex and habit..

I just get pulled into it.

 

Doesn't seem like anyone is learning much of anything here, if the behavior continues and the same "I can't help myself" excuse is always used.

 

I still think some therapy and behavior modification is needed.

 

Good luck.

[melrich]

Like all the other posters have advised you I would also say you have to stop seeing your ex. Forget about being friends at least until you have given him time to get over you.

 

As another poster said, you are responsible for your own decisions but you are not responsible for his happiness. It is time for you to be firm and do the right thing by both yourself and your ex.

[DN]

You are both playing a dangerous game of "I want what I want and to hell with the consequences". Each of you has a knack of putting the responsibility for a final decision on the other and thereforeeee it is never made.

 

Time to either decide to be together or be apart. You have probably spent more time faffing about trying to break up that you did in the actual relationship.