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My boyfriend just left me


catmommm
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THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE PLEASE BEAR WITH ME: 

Hi everyone, I’m very new here and very sad so I thought….. why not vent to strangers? LOL anyway, my boyfriend and I have only been dating for 3 months (he’s 24 and I’m F 22) and he just broke up with me yesterday. I would like to add this is both our first serious relationship. He said that he can’t see us together long term due to our “incompatibility.” I’m more emotional than he is, but we’re literally Ying and Yang he balances me out so well. This man told me he loved me on the 4th date, tells me that he wants to marry me and wants kids with me all the time and makes me the happiest woman in the world. On Thursday, he told me he loved me in the morning and was acting weird that night into Friday. He began being cold and dismissive towards me, whenever I sent him something cute or said that I loved him or missed him, he ignored it (which he has done before, but this felt VERY DIFFERENT.) Then, out of the blue, he texts me at 1 in the morning (on Sunday) to tell me he feels our relationship has felt off and he doesn’t think we’re compatible anymore and wanted to talk in person.

I cried for hours and stayed up until like 10 in the morning. I saw him at around 3 pm that same day and he broke up with me. He said there’s just too many “incompatibilities” that he can’t live with (news to me) and other things that I don’t feel like sharing. I respect his decision, cried, called my therapist, and went to CVS to get ice cream and then headed home and slept in my makeup. I cried all night, was in and out of sleep, and decided to ask him to meet up with him again to say my peace. I really wanted to make it work, my goal meeting him today was to tell him how I felt and that if he communicated more and just let me know his thoughts that lead to the breakup, we probably wouldn’t be broken up. I said my peace, he was silent for a while and left, saying he would text me later. Very ominous, I know. About an hour later, I get a text from him saying that when he said “I love you” he was more going through the “motions” and fully didn’t feel it the way I felt it. (He told me he loved me on the 4TH DATE, I told him, finally, that I loved him on the 3rd of this month. ) And that he wants me to be with someone more emotional than he is and he doesn’t think he could change.

I’m crushed, he would always tell me that he loved me whenever we were together and I would just stay quiet for so long, it was only until this month that I said I loved him. It doesn’t make sense, how could he say that he’s not on the “same level” of love that I am on when he said it first and has continued to remind me??????? I was always up front and transparent about my sensitivity and how emotional I am and he always was accepting, loving, and always told me that it was fine and to not feel sorry about it. My period also makes me very emotional and he’s been so great about it so I just don’t know where this is coming from?????? I love this man so much and I want him back so badly. I think he might be going through something. The fact that he said he doesn’t want to lose me and would fight to keep me because he loves me in the past and is so okay with not fighting for our VERY NEW relationship makes me so sad and is gut wrenching. I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I don’t really have too many friends due to me just graduating college and I’m in a very hard and transitional phase in my life. I’m feeling very lonely and even more sad right now. I loved him, I just don’t know what I did or where I went wrong. I hate that he’s not fighting for this, especially with the amount of “love” he had for me. I just wanted to vent, if anyone has any advice or how to cope or has been through something similar and can tell me how they got through it or what’s this guys deal is, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you reading if you got this far! - a very sad cat mom

TLDR: my boyfriend of 3 months left me because I’m too emotional; and we have too many “incompatibilities” he can’t overlook and says he didn’t really have the same feeling of love that I did, even when he’s said he’s loved me even before we got together and was very reassuring

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2 hours ago, catmommm said:

 dating for 3 months (he’s 24 and I’m F 22) and he just broke up with me yesterday. . He said that he can’t see us together long term due to our “incompatibility.” 

Sorry this happened. 12 weeks dating is a good time to have fun getting to know each other and also see if you're a good fit for each other. In this case you weren't.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for an referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You seem excessively dramatic and the breakup seems to have simply unearthed some underlying issues.

A guy you dated 3 months is not the end of the world, but that's your reaction. So address your inertia, malaise, moods and anxiety appropriately.

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2 hours ago, catmommm said:

 my boyfriend of 3 months left me because I’m too emotional; and we have too many “incompatibilities” he can’t overlook

^ The above is all you need to know - that's your answer.  I understand you are hurting, but always believe a man when he says there are too many incompatibilities and it's not working for him. There is nothing you can do to change it. You're not a match.  3 months is still very early in the piece and thankfully you haven't invested years into a relationship, only to find you wasted your time.  Count this as a blessing in disguise.  Accept it with dignity and move on.

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1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ The above is all you need to know - that's your answer.  I understand you are hurting, but always believe a man when he says there are too many incompatibilities and it's not working for him. There is nothing you can do to change it. You're not a match.  3 months is still very early in the piece and thankfully you haven't invested years into a relationship, only to find you wasted your time.  Count this as a blessing in disguise.  Accept it with dignity and move on.

I agree. And decide on your own if you react appropriately to your emotions in various situations -if you choose reactions that are appropriate -also a good thing to work on in therapy -you can't control your emotions but you can control your reactions.  Don't put in the work for this ex boyfriend -I mean for yourself, if you determine you want to make changes.

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You were "lovebombed". It means manipulated in order to gain your affection. That was the big "red flag" by itself. He certanly didnt love you by the time of the 4th date, he barely knows you. But he said it so he could gain affection there. Its a common tactic by some people to do that. It makes you easier to manipulate. 

Why did he left? Who knows? 3 months is not a lot. Again, he probably didnt love you. Heck I wouldnt be surprised if there is somebody else involved. But he was being manipulative there and spinned you around his little finger. When it was the time for him to move on, he did. Leaving you in the dust. Sorry it happened. Be careful next time and pay attention to people who do stuff like that. As Ive said "lovebombing" is a big red flag something is wrong. 

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6 hours ago, catmommm said:

THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE PLEASE BEAR WITH ME: 

Hi everyone, I’m very new here and very sad so I thought….. why not vent to strangers? LOL anyway, my boyfriend and I have only been dating for 3 months (he’s 24 and I’m F 22) and he just broke up with me yesterday. I would like to add this is both our first serious relationship. He said that he can’t see us together long term due to our “incompatibility.” I’m more emotional than he is, but we’re literally Ying and Yang he balances me out so well. This man told me he loved me on the 4th date, tells me that he wants to marry me and wants kids with me all the time and makes me the happiest woman in the world. On Thursday, he told me he loved me in the morning and was acting weird that night into Friday. He began being cold and dismissive towards me, whenever I sent him something cute or said that I loved him or missed him, he ignored it (which he has done before, but this felt VERY DIFFERENT.) Then, out of the blue, he texts me at 1 in the morning (on Sunday) to tell me he feels our relationship has felt off and he doesn’t think we’re compatible anymore and wanted to talk in person.

I cried for hours and stayed up until like 10 in the morning. I saw him at around 3 pm that same day and he broke up with me. He said there’s just too many “incompatibilities” that he can’t live with (news to me) and other things that I don’t feel like sharing. I respect his decision, cried, called my therapist, and went to CVS to get ice cream and then headed home and slept in my makeup. I cried all night, was in and out of sleep, and decided to ask him to meet up with him again to say my peace. I really wanted to make it work, my goal meeting him today was to tell him how I felt and that if he communicated more and just let me know his thoughts that lead to the breakup, we probably wouldn’t be broken up. I said my peace, he was silent for a while and left, saying he would text me later. Very ominous, I know. About an hour later, I get a text from him saying that when he said “I love you” he was more going through the “motions” and fully didn’t feel it the way I felt it. (He told me he loved me on the 4TH DATE, I told him, finally, that I loved him on the 3rd of this month. ) And that he wants me to be with someone more emotional than he is and he doesn’t think he could change.

I’m crushed, he would always tell me that he loved me whenever we were together and I would just stay quiet for so long, it was only until this month that I said I loved him. It doesn’t make sense, how could he say that he’s not on the “same level” of love that I am on when he said it first and has continued to remind me??????? I was always up front and transparent about my sensitivity and how emotional I am and he always was accepting, loving, and always told me that it was fine and to not feel sorry about it. My period also makes me very emotional and he’s been so great about it so I just don’t know where this is coming from?????? I love this man so much and I want him back so badly. I think he might be going through something. The fact that he said he doesn’t want to lose me and would fight to keep me because he loves me in the past and is so okay with not fighting for our VERY NEW relationship makes me so sad and is gut wrenching. I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I don’t really have too many friends due to me just graduating college and I’m in a very hard and transitional phase in my life. I’m feeling very lonely and even more sad right now. I loved him, I just don’t know what I did or where I went wrong. I hate that he’s not fighting for this, especially with the amount of “love” he had for me. I just wanted to vent, if anyone has any advice or how to cope or has been through something similar and can tell me how they got through it or what’s this guys deal is, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you reading if you got this far! - a very sad cat mom

TLDR: my boyfriend of 3 months left me because I’m too emotional; and we have too many “incompatibilities” he can’t overlook and says he didn’t really have the same feeling of love that I did, even when he’s said he’s loved me even before we got together and was very reassuring

It seems contradictory that you’re emotional according to you and yet saying you were more reserved in expressing your love for him. Leave some time for you to breathe and let the dust settle. I agree with Capricorn that regardless of his reasons they are valid. There is nothing to do here but respect his wishes. It’s not easy but this also frees you to be with someone more compatible with you. 

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Sorry you feel so bad, but it will pass. This is just life, and people will come and go. You may have like being balanced with him being your opposite, but he needs someone that is the same as him, that is his preference. This is how we learn about what we need and what we should look for. Some guys find women that are more sensitive are feminine/attractive. You need to find that guy. 

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I had a man I was dating tell me I was "too independent". I didn't "need" him when my car broke down or something had to be fixed in my apartment or the kids had an issue at school. I didn't call him whimpering and asking oh dear, what do I do????!!! But he got off on women who did that. He's attracted to dependent women who need a man to solve their problems for them.

So, therefore, we were incompatible. I wasn't going to "change" into a helpless female just to try to "keep" him.

I know these things hurt. It's totally normal. But please do not send him any messages begging or pleading or asking to see him. He decided to be without you, so that's what he's going to get. As time passes you'll feel better, I promise. But only if you detach.

Reconnect with friends and family and keep as busy as you can. Being busy helps time pass. 

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He got rid of you from his life because he wanted quick convenience.  I'm sorry.  I know it hurts badly to feel rejected.  No one likes it. 

Even though it's hard for you to see this now, one of these days you will transform your tears into toughness and strength.  Then you will tell yourself, "Good riddance!  I am relieved!"  Take this painful situation and put your positive spin on it by telling yourself that it was actually good  that he and you are no longer together.  It's better to end this now than drag this on and end it later.  Conclude that both of you were not meant to be and truly were incompatible. 

He whispered sweet nothings into your ear and told you what you wanted to hear in order to flatter you, the charmer that he was.  Beware of overzealous behavior because it's pretentious. 

Whenever I've experienced failed relationships (in my case friendships with relatives and in-laws), I've finally came to realize that no one can force two completely different characters and personalities no matter how much you wish it.  It's like trying to mix oil and water.  It won't work. 

Even though I've never been divorced, it must be what divorce feels like.  There comes a point in time where no amount of 'doing the right thing' to thrive will produce anything except repeated disappointment and failure.  It's better to make a clean break.  Look at people and life with a new, wiser lens. 

Take good care of yourself.  Pay attention to taking good care of your physical and mental health.  Be kind to yourself. 

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I'm so sorry you're hurting. The term 'love bomb' raised by @Kwothe28 is a good subject to research. Either this guy lied to you in order to get you intimate with him, or his definition of 'love' is awfully fickle and untrustworthy.

Either way, you'll be far better off without someone so lame.

While this may hurt now, make yourself proud of your ability to bounce back from this.

Resilience is one of the most important life skills we can develop.

You'll look back on this and recognize this guy as unworthy of you, and you'll know that you've dodged a bullet.

Head high, you can do this.

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52 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Either this guy lied to you in order to get you intimate with him, or his definition of 'love' is awfully fickle and untrustworthy.

I think its worth exploring. Because some people make it a part of their MO. For example I have a friend like that. Who can tell every girl how she is the most beatiful girl in the world etc. No matter if she really is and if he really thinks that. Some girls like that and some see through that. But the problem is that it leaves the one that fall for it in a very vulnerable position. Because they dont know his true feelings and desires. But he convinces them how he is in love with them and how he would "take the stars out of the sky" for them.

In this case, she would probably accept the break up way better if he didnt said anything. Its just 3 months, they didnt dated that much and that is about it. But he used the "L" word and sweet talked her into thinking how there is some great love there. Which in turn now leaves her just confused. As she was convinced that he did loved her. But as it turns out that was very much not the case and he left her unceremoniosly saying how they are suddenly "incompatible". That is why "lovebombing" is something she should learn to be careful about and to avoid men who do that. Sadly, its just a lesson for future. And yes, her future is much better without somebody like that.

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20 hours ago, catmommm said:

This man told me he loved me on the 4th date, tells me that he wants to marry me and wants kids with me all the time and makes me the happiest woman in the world. On Thursday, he told me he loved me in the morning and was acting weird that night into Friday. He began being cold and dismissive towards me, whenever I sent him something cute or said that I loved him or missed him, he ignored it

First off, no one is 'in love' for real within 4 dates. ( that is more 'lust').

For you, was more real.  To admit you do love him by this month ( 3 months later). So YOUR feelings do seem genuine.

It does sound like he has come to realize, over this time that you are not so compatible.  And his 'talk', right from the beginning, was not rational.

 

20 hours ago, catmommm said:

I just don’t know what I did or where I went wrong.

It is not that YOU did something wrong.  You two just were not a proper 'match'.  This happens a lot!  So, this was just a learning experience for you.. sorry you are hurting 😕 .

 

But, as mentioned, it was short but  intense.  And within 3 months, not a lot of progress developed.  

So, give it time... feel the emotions & let the tears flow for a while.

In time things will ease off and you will come to feel more yourself again, and feel okay to try & date again.  ( IF you feel so overwhelmed for too long, do consider some prof help to help you work through this..).

Take it easy.

 

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21 hours ago, catmommm said:

This man told me he loved me on the 4th date, tells me that he wants to marry me and wants kids with me all the time

This is a way too much, way too soon. 

Be wary of people who talk and behave like this. They tend to be impulsive and their feelings are surface-level. He didn't know you well enough to be promising all these grand things and declaring his love on the 4th date. It's all a red flag, in other words. 

It hurts now, but you have dodged a bullet. It is very unlikely to have ended up as your Happily Ever After. 

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My former boss was like that. He proposed in the first month of dating every single time. He has ex fiancees scattered all around the country lol. He actually only married twice and both times the marriages were short lived because he never bothered getting to know the women before he proposed. He just thought "wow, she's pretty!" and proposed based on that. He messed up a lot of lives.

So yes, while it hurts this man was never going to be serious. 

Just beware next time. 

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On 9/20/2022 at 3:31 PM, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry you're hurting. The term 'love bomb' raised by @Kwothe28 is a good subject to research. Either this guy lied to you in order to get you intimate with him, or his definition of 'love' is awfully fickle and untrustworthy.

Either way, you'll be far better off without someone so lame.

While this may hurt now, make yourself proud of your ability to bounce back from this.

Resilience is one of the most important life skills we can develop.

You'll look back on this and recognize this guy as unworthy of you, and you'll know that you've dodged a bullet.

Head high, you can do this.

Thank you 🙂 

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On 9/20/2022 at 4:45 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I think its worth exploring. Because some people make it a part of their MO. For example I have a friend like that. Who can tell every girl how she is the most beatiful girl in the world etc. No matter if she really is and if he really thinks that. Some girls like that and some see through that. But the problem is that it leaves the one that fall for it in a very vulnerable position. Because they dont know his true feelings and desires. But he convinces them how he is in love with them and how he would "take the stars out of the sky" for them.

In this case, she would probably accept the break up way better if he didnt said anything. Its just 3 months, they didnt dated that much and that is about it. But he used the "L" word and sweet talked her into thinking how there is some great love there. Which in turn now leaves her just confused. As she was convinced that he did loved her. But as it turns out that was very much not the case and he left her unceremoniosly saying how they are suddenly "incompatible". That is why "lovebombing" is something she should learn to be careful about and to avoid men who do that. Sadly, its just a lesson for future. And yes, her future is much better without somebody like that.

Thank you for this comment!

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On 9/19/2022 at 11:46 PM, catmommm said:

THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE PLEASE BEAR WITH ME: 

Hi everyone, I’m very new here and very sad so I thought….. why not vent to strangers? LOL anyway, my boyfriend and I have only been dating for 3 months (he’s 24 and I’m F 22) and he just broke up with me yesterday. I would like to add this is both our first serious relationship. He said that he can’t see us together long term due to our “incompatibility.” I’m more emotional than he is, but we’re literally Ying and Yang he balances me out so well. This man told me he loved me on the 4th date, tells me that he wants to marry me and wants kids with me all the time and makes me the happiest woman in the world. On Thursday, he told me he loved me in the morning and was acting weird that night into Friday. He began being cold and dismissive towards me, whenever I sent him something cute or said that I loved him or missed him, he ignored it (which he has done before, but this felt VERY DIFFERENT.) Then, out of the blue, he texts me at 1 in the morning (on Sunday) to tell me he feels our relationship has felt off and he doesn’t think we’re compatible anymore and wanted to talk in person.

I cried for hours and stayed up until like 10 in the morning. I saw him at around 3 pm that same day and he broke up with me. He said there’s just too many “incompatibilities” that he can’t live with (news to me) and other things that I don’t feel like sharing. I respect his decision, cried, called my therapist, and went to CVS to get ice cream and then headed home and slept in my makeup. I cried all night, was in and out of sleep, and decided to ask him to meet up with him again to say my peace. I really wanted to make it work, my goal meeting him today was to tell him how I felt and that if he communicated more and just let me know his thoughts that lead to the breakup, we probably wouldn’t be broken up. I said my peace, he was silent for a while and left, saying he would text me later. Very ominous, I know. About an hour later, I get a text from him saying that when he said “I love you” he was more going through the “motions” and fully didn’t feel it the way I felt it. (He told me he loved me on the 4TH DATE, I told him, finally, that I loved him on the 3rd of this month. ) And that he wants me to be with someone more emotional than he is and he doesn’t think he could change.

I’m crushed, he would always tell me that he loved me whenever we were together and I would just stay quiet for so long, it was only until this month that I said I loved him. It doesn’t make sense, how could he say that he’s not on the “same level” of love that I am on when he said it first and has continued to remind me??????? I was always up front and transparent about my sensitivity and how emotional I am and he always was accepting, loving, and always told me that it was fine and to not feel sorry about it. My period also makes me very emotional and he’s been so great about it so I just don’t know where this is coming from?????? I love this man so much and I want him back so badly. I think he might be going through something. The fact that he said he doesn’t want to lose me and would fight to keep me because he loves me in the past and is so okay with not fighting for our VERY NEW relationship makes me so sad and is gut wrenching. I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I don’t really have too many friends due to me just graduating college and I’m in a very hard and transitional phase in my life. I’m feeling very lonely and even more sad right now. I loved him, I just don’t know what I did or where I went wrong. I hate that he’s not fighting for this, especially with the amount of “love” he had for me. I just wanted to vent, if anyone has any advice or how to cope or has been through something similar and can tell me how they got through it or what’s this guys deal is, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you reading if you got this far! - a very sad cat mom

TLDR: my boyfriend of 3 months left me because I’m too emotional; and we have too many “incompatibilities” he can’t overlook and says he didn’t really have the same feeling of love that I did, even when he’s said he’s loved me even before we got together and was very reassuring

I literally learned recently that when someone plays the hot and cold game that they’re not that into you or have something to hide that’s keeping them from moving forward with you. 3 months is a great start at getting to know someone but honestly it takes years to really know someone and most times you still don’t know everything. My advice is if a guy will break your heart then he really didn’t deserve it from the start so take it back, mend it, and find someone way better to give it to 

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