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So confused


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I'm not sure where to begin apart from taking responsibility and knowing I have caused this but feel so alone with it all at the same time, just feeling sorry for myself I think, no where else to turn. 

Anyway, I've been with my parter 7.5yrs we have a little boy togther 3.5yrs and my partner has 3 older children, 15,17 and 24 all who I have a good relationship with. 

We got married at the end of March this year, and due to a tragedy I just haven't been able to process our marriage and I feel our relationship has deteriated to the point of break up. 

On mother's day this year Sunday 27th March my 18yr old nephew was in a tragic road accident and late on Monday 28th he passed away, I was at his bedside along with my sister and others. My nephew is my sisters son. 

As we were going away to get married and were due to be leaving early Monday, everyone's cars were already packed. 

Me and my partner spoke about cancelling the wedding but my sister was adamant she wanted it to still go ahead. When we left the Hospital my sister stated she wasn't going home and she was going to the wedding venue as hotels were already booked, she hadn't told her 2 youngest children age 6 and 8 what had happend our mum was looking after them. 

Anyway we decided to still go to the wedding venue we couldn't let her go on her own and she wanted the children to enjoy the wedding as they had been looking forward to it. 

We didn't actually leave the hospital until very early hours of Tuesday morning, my nephew passed at 10:30pm but we were still there for sometime. 

Our wedding day was Wednesday and it is like I've completly blocked it out, I honestly couldn't even remember the date I got married until I looked on the calender. 

Nobody was in the right frame of mind but we somehow done it, we got married. 

The following day while still there my sister told the 2 little ones. 

My nephews funeral wasn't then until 11th May and won't be at Coroners Court until next July. 

Anyway I feel since getting married my relationship has suffered, I've pushed my husband away, I get moody over the slightest little thing, he frustrates me, I find him a negitive person to be around, I feel we've grown apart. 

Now I admit I can be hard work, and take full blame, about a month ago we had a barney and I just didn't care anymore, like I just gave up on us, I had no engery to argue or care, and although we don't argue loads previously when we did I could become defensive but not recently. 

Anyway today we had an argument over the most stupidest, irrelevant thing honestly not even worth wasting breath on., but yesterday I cleared out conservatory, today he wanted to put 3 push bikes in there and I said no, he wanted to know why and I said because I don't want them in there, we've lived in this house 3 years and they have never been in there, we have a shed and a garage and I feel he does it to push my buttons. Because I can't give him a good enough reason apart from because I don't want them in there he says i don't compromise or listen, he always tells me I have OCD, I would say I have trats but I'm not over the top. I don't like mess and I like things put away. My little one can make all the mess he likes and I will tidy up later and that's fine. 

My partner is someone the won't be able to see the floor for toys and not see it as a problem and he says he doesn't see mess! Just trying to give you a picture. 

Anyway today in the end it went from one thing to another to be telling him I don't want to be with him. 

He is a good man, I do care for him, he is a good dad and I know he loves me, but I just feel like something I'd missing. 

He works nights so he went to bed and when he got up he said he agrees we should split up. 

I'm stubborn and feel that's it now, part of me does agree and I have been distant, and I can look for fault with him such as he didn't help me as much as I think it should ect but I think those issues are there got everyone. 

While I write this I have been crying because I don't think I have actually processed any of the past 6 months, staying strong for my family. This is the first time I've got it out. 

I feel my wedding should never have gone ahead, i can't think about it as I can only think about my nephew who I was very close with. 

Do I let my relationship end, I'm not sure what I actually want and I'm so confused, we would stay living togther, for some time anyway and be good parents, but if I'm not happy maybe now I'd the time to get out. 

Well if you made it this far thanks for taking the time, if not you will have fallen asleep by now. Glad I could help. 

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Sorry this happened. Condolences. It wasn't a mistake to marry after 7.5 years, living together and a child together.

You are grieving and anger is part of that. Therapy and support groups could help you cope. There's no reason to blow up your marriage and family.

 Make sure you're coping skills are intact and there is not an underlying anxiety/depression issue.

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I'm awake.

It seems a shame to toss this long term relationship where you share a child only because the past several months have been rough. 

How did you deal with conflicts in the past? Had you been living separately until the wedding?

Would you and your partner consider marriage counseling? Also would you consider individual grief counseling? 

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12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm awake.

It seems a shame to toss this long term relationship where you share a child only because the past several months have been rough. 

How did you deal with conflicts in the past? Had you been living separately until the wedding?

Would you and your partner consider marriage counseling? Also would you consider individual grief counseling? 

We have lived togther for about 5-6years, he moved into mine at first and then almost 3years ago we bought out first family home togther. 

Previously after a few days we would be fine, I would say sorry as I am someone who takes slightly longer to come round and I can keep things going longer than nessary, not intentionally but at the time it feels valid and he knows me well enough to know once I've got off my high horse we will be OK, I also never say I want to split up, but I did today, my partner doesn't really do emotions to well and moves on with things very quickly not understanding it or having a clue why I get upset about things, we just managed but both knowing it was going to be OK, sometimes we will would talk it out. But of late we just blame each other, at the time I honestly think its his fault and he thinks it's my fault. Previously we would be able to see which side over reacted.  But now i think we've both had enough of each other, I find it difficult to tell him what I need and when I do its like it goes over his head. 

He's going away on Friday for the weekend which has been booked for ages so hopefully some space will do us both good. 

He wouldn't consider counselling but I think I definitely need to look at some for myself so this is something I need to stop putting off and putting into place. 

Thank you 

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30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Condolences. It wasn't a mistake to marry after 7.5 years, living together and a child together.

You are grieving and anger is part of that. Therapy and support groups could help you cope. There's no reason to blow up your marriage and family.

 Make sure you're coping skills are intact and there is not an underlying anxiety/depression issue.

Thank you for your reply,I think I definitely need to look Into some counselling. I have the coping skills but find it difficult to implement them sometimes do need to make sure I am, thank you 

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Besides your own therapy, I'd tell him you love him and want to try a few things to see if you two can start a new positive pattern. You can either purchase, or get from the library, books on couples communication. Take turns reading a chapter per day out loud to one another. I have read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and it's excellent. You can also read books and articles on how to reestablish an emotional connection with one another.

You're going to have to learn to have discussions to solve issues, instead of attacking one another with hurtful arguments where you're cold and go silent and all those other unhealthy ways of trying to handle issues. If you both care enough, you'll each make efforts and practice the advice you're reading about from these books. Good luck.

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I'm sorry for your loss, OP. What a terrible shock. 

My sense is that grief magnified the issues in your relationship but it didn't create them. They likely already existed and the stress of your nephew's passing has left you raw in a way you hadn't felt before, with less emotional energy to deal with the annoyances of every day life. I say that as someone who once grieved the sudden death of someone close to me as well. You couldn't have come within a 10-metre radius of me without setting me off during that time. So much of my energy was spent on bereavement that I had run out of resources to deal with just about everything else. 

So, I would absolutely look into counselling for you to help you cope with the loss. You can also speak to your counsellor about the issues in your relationship and see if there is a way forward together with your husband. I would encourage you not to walk away from this marriage yet. It seems there still might something to work with and you may deeply regret it later. 

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