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Psych thinks I don’t have an insecure attachment style and I’m bothered.


1a1a
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5 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I guess still haven't made it to totally full life full of awesome things and people so awesome I don't waste another second with someone who expresses doubts town yet!) And maybe the cure for this is no different to the cure for eating too much treat food. Just discipline. On another of my threads someone described letting go of the bad fit relationships as an act of self care (also that holding onto them is a poor personal choice. Make good choices, live better life). Seems so simple.

It really is that simple. You’ll get there but only if you want to and it takes time. 

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It really is that simple. You’ll get there but only if you want to and it takes time. 

Exactly.

I "couldn't" detach from my ex.  I kept going to his place, driving by at 3 am, calling and texting him, offering to "be friends", imposing myself on his family and his friends, looking at his social media and that of his new girlfriend...everything possible to do wrong, I did it.  I just couldn't imagine that he was the CAUSE of my anxiety.  I insisted "fixing" things with him would make it all go away and I'd feel calm again.

Totally illogical.  Someone who upsets me isn't going to "make" me feel better!

Once I made the decision to detach from him for good and stop humiliating myself by chasing him the anxiety magically disappeared.  It's amazing how that happens.

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It sounds like she is helping you see your unique personality and what you would like to change to feel better. This is why she may  not want to pigeonhole you into "types" or "styles", so that you get unstuck from that and feel freer to just be and think and feel what you need to and move away from rigid thinking and coping styles.

 For example categorizing and taking generalities personally can lead to thinking such as "all people who wear size 10 shoes will avoid marriage". Which of course is a cognitive distortion.

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29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Someone who upsets me isn't going to "make" me feel better!

Once I made the decision to detach from him for good and stop humiliating myself by chasing him the anxiety magically disappeared.  It's amazing how that happens.

I agree. 

Peace of mind matters a lot. I learned this late unfortunately but glad to be living much more happily and more motivated now to do all the things I might have done years ago. 

One of the advantages of freeing yourself from people who aren’t compatible with you or don’t offer much good, is also releasing all that energy to put to better use. You gain fulfillment and happiness like this each day, slowly and bit by bit. I’m also extremely grateful for what feels like a second lease on life. Every day doesn’t go by without thanks.

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On 9/17/2022 at 11:19 AM, reinventmyself said:

Over time, if we aren't careful, we associate pain and drama as a measure of how much we love.   It's not supposed to be that way.

Yep. This really stood out for me.

While one therapist may stick to a traditional model of assessing a client's attachment disposition as being formed in our earliest, even preverbal years, another may view attachment models as more fluid--being impacted by later childhood (say, when parents divorce or while being bullied in school) or even later during adolescence (which lasts up to age 25) OR, even by early adult experiences.

If our attachments styles are hard coded and can never change, what would be the point in attempting treatment? The whole foundation of mental health practitioners is a desire to help people change and adapt.

So even if we are lucky enough to have been born into a conscious family who modeled for us, and cultivated in us, a secure attachment style, this doesn't mean we can't still derail from that over the course of our lives and start viewing drama and pain and longing as love.

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