Jump to content

Do I stay or leave?


SteveWalker
 Share

Recommended Posts

I met my girlfriend a year ago and it was amazing, we both love bombed each other and sex was very regular. She has a 3 year old son and we now look after her 12 yo neice full time. I've do everything I can do for all 3 of them of single day. Jump forward 6 months and I start having old mental issues resurfacing, I'm all around a bit a hard work at this point, the sex has also pretty much dried up and was very irregular. I feel like I received no help with my mental health issues and she would always get defensive if I asked any questions or got worried about anything. My sexual confidence has been a mess since my first girlfriend mentally abused me when I was 16-21.

Sorry for the jumbled post but almost 2 months ago she kicked me out, made me pack all my stuff and I left. 1 night later she comes and apologises to me. I deserved to be kicked out because I was not in a good place mentally, it gave me a real kick and now I've finished counselling and thought we were doing amazing. Last night I did something terrible, I saw some messages from her best friend the other day that looked odd so when she went out I checked them on her ipad, really awful of me I know. What I found was like a stab in the back, she has told her friend back when we broke up that the sex was ***, so instead of telling me any of this she just always says she's not in the mood. How can I learn and get better if I'm not told? Confidence destroyed right there, and then I found messages from a few days ago where I came onto her at bedtime, and they were laughing about it, my gf used the words "pissssss offfff" in the messages to her friend. Confidence even more destroyed, its also been almost 2 weeks since we were intimate at this point so of course I would be trying it on with her. Also the day after I tried it on she sent me a lovely morning message but at the same time is slating me to her friend? 

 

She's due to start at university on the 19th and I'm taking a new job to have better hours for childcare and homelife but right now I feel like everything is up in the air because of what I've seen. I know it's my fault for looking but surely I deserve better than that after everything I've had to endure. Her drinking, initial drug use at the beginning of the relationship, her sons dad being a pain. I feel a massive lack of appreciation for everything I have done right now, I have exhausted myself taking on a whole new life, making everyone happy. I genuinely feel like walking out after this, how many other rude messages about me are sent? I feel like I'm forced to make a massive decision right now before I leave my stable job so she can study easier. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

 2 months ago she kicked me out, made me pack all my stuff and I left

Way too much way too soon. You shouldn't be camping out at her house. Where did you live before and where do you live now?

How old is she? Do you both work?

Step far away from this manic chaotic situation and start taking better care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

You need to get out of this drug and alcohol infested hellhole.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much way too soon. You shouldn't be camping out at her house. Where did you live before and where do you live now?

How old is she? Do you both work?

Step far away from this manic chaotic situation and start taking better care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

 

So I lived with my father before, I'm 25 and she's 27, both had rough pasts and we worked sparked as soon as we met so we rushed very quickly into things.

I love all 3 of them so much 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You shouldn’t have looked at her personal correspondence, but you did, and what you found should tell you everything you need to know. She is dishonest and resentful, yet wants to keep you around because she sees some personal benefit from it. This is a clear indicator that this relationship is bad for you and you need to remove yourself from it permanently.

 

This is a lesson for you how not to behave in a relationship. Take the time you need to work on your mental health in order to put yourself in a good place, where you’re ready to have a healthy connection with someone, not rushing into things and investing yourself completely into a relationship with someone who you know nothing about.
 

You found out the hard way. You need to change your outlook and behavior. The time to do that is now.

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, jul-els said:

You shouldn’t have looked at her personal correspondence, but you did, and what you found should tell you everything you need to know. She is dishonest and resentful, yet wants to keep you around because she sees some personal benefit from it. This is a clear indicator that this relationship is bad for you and you need to remove yourself from it permanently.

 

This is a lesson for you how not to behave in a relationship. Take the time you need to work on your mental health in order to put yourself in a good place, where you’re ready to have a healthy connection with someone, not rushing into things and investing yourself completely into a relationship with someone who you know nothing about.
 

You found out the hard way. You need to change your outlook and behavior. The time to do that is now.

 

Yeah I regret looking 100 percent but it was like my mind knew I'd find something bad about me. 

Since the breakup she's actually been very loving towards me and every ounce of my body is telling me not to leave because I know how much of a mess I'll be 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This relationship is toast, OP. 

There is too much damage done. Too much dysfunction. It's going to destroy you mentally to stay with someone you know isn't in this for the right reasons anymore.

I would make the healthy choice and end this. Work on getting yourself to a strong place, and start fresh with someone who is equally healthy - with no substance abuse issues. And slow down. Get to know a woman. Don't rush. You can see why that doesn't work once the inital thrills wear off. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

53 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

Yeah I regret looking 100 percent but it was like my mind knew I'd find something bad about me. 

Since the breakup she's actually been very loving towards me and every ounce of my body is telling me not to leave because I know how much of a mess I'll be 

If you choose to stay with someone who’s wrong for you just to avoid the pain of a breakup, that’s on you. It’s a bad way to go, but if keeping yourself in an unhealthy place is all you want for yourself, then it’s all you’re going to get.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your mental issues aside, you do realize that, at least from what Ive gathered from this post, you are sacrificing your best years to support alcoholic druggie with 2 kids? That doesnt appreciates you at all and even makes fun of you with her friends?

Yes, you do deserve better. However, probably because mental issues, you are scrapping the bottom of the barrel here. Break that up and find somebody who wont use you for a "surrogate daddy" while she doesnt even have sex with you and makes fun of you with her friends. That is really low bar that you set for yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your mental issues aside, you do realize that, at least from what Ive gathered from this post, you are sacrificing your best years to support alcoholic druggie with 2 kids? That doesnt appreciates you at all and even makes fun of you with her friends?

Yes, you do deserve better. However, probably because mental issues, you are scrapping the bottom of the barrel here. Break that up and find somebody who wont use you for a "surrogate daddy" while she doesnt even have sex with you and makes fun of you with her friends. That is really low bar that you set for yourself.

The drugs have stopped but the drinking sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable.

I've had 2 previous relationships in which I have both brought me to rock bottom. 

I'm 100% sure my current partner does love me and I do love her. She can be amazing to me. 

I'm in a really tough position once again, I don't want to lose her but also don't want a sexless relationship where I'm scared of bringing up how I feel because of the arguments or dismissall I get. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Move out. Focus on your own mental health. Get clean and sober yourself. No one but a fellow drinker/drug user would tolerate this.

You need to stop enabling alcoholism/substance abuse:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

I personally don't drink and have never touched drugs in my life. 

I tolerate it because I love the girl. I have taken your advice on board though. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

I'm 100% sure my current partner does love me and I do love her. She can be amazing to me. 

 

No she does not and she is certanly not "amazing to you" when she can make fun of you behind your back and say stuff like she did. You support her, her kid(s), along with her drinking habits and her desires to study. She should be kissing your feet. Instead you get treated like trash. Allowing her to do whatever she wants, even thinking to leave your stable job so you can babysit her kids? That is unacceptable by any standards. 

Dont leave your stable job. Leave that trainwreck and make life for yourself. She is not worthy of the sacrifice you make. And you can certanly do better. Also, work more on your mental issues. They are far from done if you are accepting this kind of behavior from your partner. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

I tolerate it because I love the girl. I have taken your advice on board though. 

She doesn't love you. Keep in mind, everyone in an addicts/alcoholics life is just a pawn. Someone to do their dirty work so they can drink. You're wasting your life on a loser. She's good in bed. That's it. This will crash and burn. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don’t know if you’re here to vent or to do anything about the situation. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize those poor choices. This wasn’t set up to last and I agree with the other comment that she’s taking advantage of you. Your self-esteem is too low. 

You only have one life and you’re so young. Don’t squander it like this. Move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don’t know if you’re here to vent or to do anything about the situation. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize those poor choices. This wasn’t set up to last and I agree with the other comment that she’s taking advantage of you. Your self-esteem is too low. 

You only have one life and you’re so young. Don’t squander it like this. Move on.

I think honestly I have no one to vent to so maybe I am coming across like that because I've bottled it all up. I have one female friend who will always listen (and who I know wanted to be with me before I met my girlfriend) but obviously my partner wouldn't be okay with that and I don't feel like it's fair to bombard her with my feelings. 

 

My self esteem is terrible tbh, I'm sorry I'm coming across like I'm seeking attention or something. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

I think honestly I have no one to vent to so maybe I am coming across like that because I've bottled it all up. I have one female friend who will always listen (and who I know wanted to be with me before I met my girlfriend) but obviously my partner wouldn't be okay with that and I don't feel like it's fair to bombard her with my feelings. 

 

My self esteem is terrible tbh, I'm sorry I'm coming across like I'm seeking attention or something. 

No, not at all. Tons of people use the forum to vent, talk about problems and hopefully come to a solution. That’s the whole point. You may not know what to do now or maybe you don’t have an adequate or strong support system in person. I still strongly suggest you rethink this relationship. Love alone isn’t enough in some cases. 

Go back to your idea of what love and a relationship looks like. I think you either didn’t have a chance to develop that or are ignoring what you know deep down is off and incompatible on many levels. 

Do you want the rest of your life to look like this, rinse and repeat, day after day, week after week, year after year? 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, not at all. Tons of people use the forum to vent, talk about problems and hopefully come to a solution. That’s the whole point. You may not know what to do now or maybe you don’t have an adequate or strong support system in person. I still strongly suggest you rethink this relationship. Love alone isn’t enough in some cases. 

Go back to your idea of what love and a relationship looks like. I think you either didn’t have a chance to develop that or are ignoring what you know deep down is off and incompatible on many levels. 

Do you want the rest of your life to look like this, rinse and repeat, day after day, week after week, year after year? 

I think I've thought up a plan in my head but I'm always too weak to follow through.

Deep down I know it's not working all the time, it's either I'm on top of the world or its rock bottom. She holds my hand and I'm on top of the world, she's in a mood and snaps at something I say then I'm rock bottom. I'm really weak in general 

If I leave I know I'll regret it, the fear of not having her is so strong compared to doing what is probably right. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

I think honestly I have no one to vent to so maybe I am coming across like that because I've bottled it all up. I have one female friend who will always listen and I don't feel like it's fair to bombard her with my feelings. 

There are mental health hotlines, mental health clinics, doctors, therapists, social workers, the support group I provided you a link to, etc. so that's actually not true.

You just do not want to fly right. And your friends/family are telling you to run but you don't want to hear that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

I think I've thought up a plan in my head but I'm always too weak to follow through.

Deep down I know it's not working all the time, it's either I'm on top of the world or its rock bottom. She holds my hand and I'm on top of the world, she's in a mood and snaps at something I say then I'm rock bottom. I'm really weak in general 

If I leave I know I'll regret it, the fear of not having her is so strong compared to doing what is probably right. 

What do you have exactly? Think about this for awhile. Reread your initial first post in this thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What do you have exactly? Think about this for awhile. Reread your initial first post in this thread.

Someone who gives me a lot of emotional love, loves my hobbies and family. 2 amazing children who are also unfortunately a barrier to any physical attention. Honestly I just want to be kissed and loved for everything I do and sometimes she's amazing at showing it, she'll be all over me, cuddling saying she loves me but then other days my brain either doesn't let me believe she loves me or she's just distancing herself. I have an amazing bond with both children and she does acknowledge that. We went to Italy together and it was amazing. I love her probably too much and it clouds my judgement on everything, I'm just obsessive about being appreciated I think. 

Those messages I (shouldn't have) read are just a real kick in the teeth, I obviously can't bring it up that I know but I feel like I need to put my foot down and demand respect. 

High lack of physical love in my opinion but to her it's just because 'she's not a loving person'. I don't know why I'm so obsessive about getting intimacy from her but we've fallen out about it multiple times. I can't remember the last time we had sex when she was sober.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are being used for money and free childcare.

Staying in this dead end relationship will not improve your feelings of self worth but will in fact make them worse.

Get professional support to help you navigate through leaving this bad relationship. You can do it.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, SteveWalker said:

Someone who gives me a lot of emotional love, loves my hobbies and family. 2 amazing children who are also unfortunately a barrier to any physical attention. Honestly I just want to be kissed and loved for everything I do and sometimes she's amazing at showing it, she'll be all over me, cuddling saying she loves me but then other days my brain either doesn't let me believe she loves me or she's just distancing herself. I have an amazing bond with both children and she does acknowledge that. We went to Italy together and it was amazing. I love her probably too much and it clouds my judgement on everything, I'm just obsessive about being appreciated I think. 

Those messages I (shouldn't have) read are just a real kick in the teeth, I obviously can't bring it up that I know but I feel like I need to put my foot down and demand respect. 

High lack of physical love in my opinion but to her it's just because 'she's not a loving person'. I don't know why I'm so obsessive about getting intimacy from her but we've fallen out about it multiple times. I can't remember the last time we had sex when she was sober.

Respect isn’t demanded. It’s earned. Sadly she doesn’t respect you the way you want in a relationship. You’ll have to respect yourself first and say no to distrust and not enough care in a relationship.

Not many people would choose to stay silent and stew like this. Why let it eat you up alive? How long do you think you’ll be able to live a double life? One that is resentful and upset deep down and another living as if you are a family man. 

She’s dysfunctional and so are you. Like is often drawn to like. Ever heard of the phrase birds of a feather flock together? The difference is you seem to recognize when you need help and that’s why you’re here. Don’t dismiss yourself or call yourself obsessive when your instincts are telling you to wake up. 

Move away from individuals like this in general. You’re empathizing and needing validation from her, “being appreciated”. Everyone wants to be appreciated but we pick our crowd and avoid disrespectful people, those who go out of their way to mock, humiliate and undermine. You’re living a double life at the moment and this will come down anyway whether you want it to or not. It’s only a matter of time. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like she intends to use you for financial support and childcare until she finds a new guy.

If you want to stick around for that, none of us can help you.

You believe that relationships destroy you, but that's because you jump right in rather than screen out bad matches. You'll need to learn the kind of resilience and self protection required for dating.

We ALL need to learn that, and often the hard way. If you stick around, you'll still suffer a breakup and need to learn how to date better, but only after wasting more of your valuable time that you can never get back to relive over again.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll make the smart choice. You'll gain the self respect that sticking around to get dumped would only erode.

Head high.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...